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Featured Friends: Bryce and Rottbox Caskets

2012-01-20T01:21:00.024-06:00

For the new year, I thought I'd try something a bit different here on the Side Show Review. Since I hang around some pretty cool people, I thought I'd do a few Featured Friends posts to introduce you to them. I asked them an array of questions, ranging from their occupation to movies to just randomness that I hope will not only educate, but entertain you. So, my first guinea pig for this experiment was my friend Bryce.

I’ve known Bryce since high school, and we even played freshman baseball together, well, he played, and I rode the pine with other friends. Last year, we reconnected through that wonderful thing called Iruleyourlifebook, err, I mean Facebook, and I found out some interesting things about my old friend. He’s not only a big horror movie fan, but he makes custom novelty caskets. Whaaaaat? Yeah, my interest was definitely peaked too, so let’s delve into the mind of this maniac.

Maniac you say?

After high school, where did your diploma take you?
I worked for the sheriff's department for a while, then left law enforcement to run Har-Bell Athletic Goods for ten years.

What do you do now to make a living?
I work for Lindbergs Tavern, it is Springfield's oldest bar. It served as a whore house, a bank, and a bar in the 1920's. There's a lot of history in the building, I miss the whore house aspect of it!

What’s the worst part about this job?
I hate after we are closed and are cleaning for the next day, the girls bathroom is disgusting! They are worse than men, then they leave their bloody corks in the trash can. There should be some kind of rule about this.

How do you deal with drunk people?
For most that know me, I get irritated very easily… But for the most part it doesn’t get too out of hand, but I do have the occasional dumbass that goes a little overboard. I give them one chance to get in line, and if they don’t, I physically remove them whether they like it or not.

What’s the wildest thing you've witnessed in the bar business?
Rumor has it, that the bar is haunted and we have heard that for years. Myself and Eric were cleaning one night and it was only the two of us in there and I turned to see what looked like a black outline of a person standing at the bottom of the stairs looking at us (A Shadow Person). I said, "What the fuck is that?" and turned to Eric and he was looking at it as well. It just kind of drifted back up the stairs. I went up the stairs to look for it but it was gone. It literally gave me goosebumps and Eric doesn’t like talking about it. I thought it was pretty cool, I want to see something that scares me so bad I pass out.

What other job would you like to do?
I wish I knew more about special effects make up, I really like the fact of being able to turn someone into a bloody brain eating zombie. I really like watching (Face Off), just to be as creative and messed up as you can.

What do you like to do in your spare time?
I like to spend a lot of time on the rivers, fishing and drinking beer. Just taking it easy with friends, and I do a lot of grilling and cooking.

Tell us about how you came up with the idea of Rottbox Caskets (what is it, pricing, etc)?
I thought of it while watching a life insurance commercial. They were talking about the expense of being buried and coffins, and I thought I could do them cheaper and a lot cooler looking. I was originally going to call them (To Go Boxes), but thought RottBox sounded better.

RottBox Caskets are decorative toe pincher style caskets, made of treated pine and built to your request. I then paint them with any horror theme you would like. I have done everything from Pinhead to Clockwork Orange. I start them out at about $300 and they go up in price depending on what all you want done.

How many have you sold and what’s the oddest casket request you’ve had?
I have sold about 50 to date, and have sent them from Beverly Hills to Germany. As far as odd, not too many odd requests, built one in a child’s size which I thought was pretty cool because I find anything to do with kids creepy. I actually own a child’s casket that was originally used back in the 1890's. A cemetery was over crowded and they dug up all the old ones and needed to get rid of them, so I bought it.

Are there any requests you won’t do?
Not at all, if you can think it, I can build it. I built one with a hidden liquor cabinet in it, and that was pretty cool.

Why do you like horror movies?
I like horror movies for the fact you never know what’s coming. You have the good ones and the bad ones, but either way they are just fun to watch.

Do you have a favorite sub-genre?
I do like zombies, but only if it is a good Zombie movie! Too many people are making really shitty zombie movies these days. Even Romero is making shitty films now. I think film makers could learn a lot from the Walking Dead series.

What’s your favorite horror and non-horror movie?
Favorite horror movie, I'm not real sure you would call it a horror movie or not, but the original (When A Stranger Calls) is pretty crazy and freaks me out. The Devils Rejects is a solid favorite of mine as well, a family that is by far worse than the Manson family.
Non-horror movie, probably (Chopper), The life story of Mark Brandon Reed, [he’s] One crazy bastard.

Best movie of 2011? Most anticipated title for 2012?
There really wasn’t a movie in 2011 that I wanted to see, kind of hard to want to see anything when all that comes out are pieces of shit like Paranormal Activity. Most anticipated movie for me, (Lords of Salem) just to see Sid Haig in another film.

Who’s your favorite actor/actress/director?
Favorite actor - Sid Haig - I like him just for the creep factor as he brings, he was great in The Devil’s Rejects as Spaulding, and I even liked him as the alcoholic clown in Little Big Top.
Favorite director - Lucio Fulci - His movies really don’t make much sense, but they are blood soaked.

What’s your favorite horror collectible and why?
I would have to say my "Pigo The Clown" figure from Quarantine studios. I have a weird fascination with clowns, I guess I can say I owe it all to John Wayne Gacy.

What’s your favorite color and why?
I would have to say Black, I don’t really know why, but 90% of my shirts are black. Maybe because black is supposed to be slimming.

What kind of animal would you be?
Probably a sloth, because they aren’t very good looking and neither am I. They try to avoid a lot of other animals in the same manner I try to avoid a lot of people.

What’s your favorite candy/candy bar and why?
Probably the Mr. Goodbar, who doesn’t enjoy a chocolate covered peanut?

Random internet chick who couldn't resist the peanutty goodness

Favorite kind of food and why?
Anything cooked in a smoker or on a grill, the smell of the smoke and the flavor of the food is just a delight.

Favorite drink (alcoholic and non)?
Non-alcoholic - unsweet tea.
Alcoholic - red beer - beer with clamato juice, not tomato, but clamato.

What’s the oddest thing (quirks, etc) about you that only your closest friends would know, or maybe no one knows (until now)?
I am deathly afraid of heights and airplanes, I don’t like shirts with wide necks, [and] I have to rub my eyebrows about 20 times before I put a hat on.

What’s your fondest memory of me/us?
Probably have to go back to the days of hide and seek, just two broke kids playing in the yard and making Kool-Aid.

Well, there you have it, that's Bryce in a (pea)nutshell. Thanks, buddy, for taking the time out to answer my questions! I hope all who read this, not only found it informative, but maybe even got a laugh or two. Bryce is quite the character, and most nights you can catch him working the door at Lindbergs Tavern, located on the corner of Campbell and Commercial Street in Springfield, MO. For those who want more info on Rottbox Caskets, visit their Facebook page HERE.

A few hostile words for Hostel Part 3

2012-01-11T23:56:00.023-06:00

While Hostel 1&2 had gritty scenery and lots of atmosphere, Part 3 looked polished and never hit "believability" status for me. Sure, Sin City seems like a great place to pick up the story, but trying to top earlier (better) storylines and cameos of Takashi Miike and Edwige Fenech is tough. So, rather than using the madness of the city and all the wicked things that lie beneath it to their advantage, we're left with something equivalent (snooze factor-wise) to one of the later Final Destination movies, excluding #5, which is pretty bad ass.

There were a few twists which I hoped would play out to be worth while, but they ended up adding nothing, and along with the shitty CGI, extremely lame kills, and the stupid ass ending, I felt like I had treated my dishes unjustly by watching this over washing them.

The premise is pretty simple: Before he ties the knot, Scott and his buddies have one last night out on the town, but things don't go as planned. (Do they ever?) People come up missing, then end up dead, and the game of survival is on.

With friends like these, what could go wrong?
There were also some monotonous things, as if they were just added to expand the running time, like too many shots of doors being opened by tattoo recognition (Elite Hunting Club tats of course). I was like, Dude, we got it the first time, so let's move on! And, there were way too many ass shots. Did I really say that? Yeah, I did, and while I enjoy a nice derriere as much as the next man (or woman), they can get old. It's like they knew the story sucked, so they'd just pan down the booty cam in hopes of distracting us, so much that it could have been called Hostel 3: The Elite Ass Hunting Club, or just Hostel Asses. Hey, make sure I get credit when the porn parody comes out.

I just felt that this was a very unnecessary entry in the franchise, and even though Scott Spiegel (Intruder, From Dusk Till Dawn 2) directed it, it should've been left alone. Trust me, not every movie with a sequel needs to become a trilogy, it’s okay to only have two.

Lame, lame, and more lame

Who did it better? Synapse Films or Arrow Films

2012-01-03T20:30:00.026-06:00

My last post started the finger pointing, so I'll continue it by calling Shenanigans on Arrow Films for releasing the same Blu Ray titles as Synapse Films. Sure, one can say they were released for totally separate markets, but region-free discs mean world viewability, so that doesn't really hold up.

As I’ve mentioned before, Arrow Films took me under their spell in early 2011, and even though several of their titles were also released by Blue Underground, the artwork and packaging drew me in and I just had to add some to my collection. After buying 5 or 6 titles, a cautionary flag was thrown up when I heard that Fulci’s The Beyond was released with a black and white intro, and although Arrow sent corrected discs to those who requested them, it left a bad taste in my mouth. I was really excited to see that Battle Royale was finally released on Blu Ray, but come to find out it was in Region B formatting only, and when I tried to take advantage of a big sale on their site, my credit card company called to say they declined the transaction because the processing company Arrow uses was suspected of being compromised, and sadly, they didn't offer payment through Paypal. It wasn't until John Russo’s Midnight and Linda Blair’s Savage Streets were announced that my interest was revamped, but come Fall, they started piggy-backing Synapse Films releases of Exterminator, Maniac Cop, and Frankenhooker, which made me question them yet again. And, even though both companies released them with new HD, region-free transfers, the bonus content and artwork were different.

Similar to Arrow, Synapse started putting reversible sleeves in their releases in 2011, but used variations of the original artworks, whereas Arrow offered artist re-envisions. While I don’t have any ties with the folks across the pond, I do with Jerry and Don at Synapse, who I met at Cinema Wasteland, and are really cool guys. So, since I already have the Synapse versions, is it really worth double-dipping? And, who do you think did it better?

Synapse released Exterminator on Sept 13th, while Arrow waited until Nov 7th

Synapse released Maniac Cop on Oct 11th, and Arrow on Oct 31st

Synapse released Frankenhooker on Nov 8th, while Arrow waited until Jan 2nd, 2012

Arrow will release Red Scorpion on Feb 6th, 2012, but Synapse's is still TBA even though it was acquired in early 2011

Synapse’s Wild Card: Intruder Blu Ray (out now) and Thou Shalt Not Kill…Except (Mar 13th, 2012)

Arrow’s Wild Card: Demons 1&2 (April 2012)

There's something peculiar about Nude Nuns With Big Guns (2010)

2011-11-17T15:12:00.024-06:00

Putting remakes aside, have you ever looked at the artwork for a new movie and thought, I've seen that before? I'm sure you have, especially in the last few years, as marketing depts are lazy these days, and just rehash images to suit their needs. I recently had a light bulb experience when I saw the coverart for Nude Nuns With Big Guns, which will be released by Image Entertainment on February 14, 2012. So, what did it look like? Kevin Smith's Red State.

It shouldn't be a surprise, but I was a bit stunned by how similar they look. Sure, one has some chick looking up into the heavens and the other has a nun who's nodding in prayer, but both have a big ass gun, and neither look too shy to use it. And, is it mere coincidence that both stories have a religious base? I’m sure one can find more instances of artwork like this (chicks embracing high caliber weapons), but this seems a bit blatant on Image's part, seeing that Red State was released here in the states first. Now, Nude Nuns was actually released first, overseas, but with different artwork.

I could be totally off base in thinking that Image ripped off Red State, as it may have been part of the international marketing campaign all along, but several websites had this picture when Image announced their release.

All three, a bit different in significant ways, yes! Anyway, Nude Nuns With Big Guns is the second feature from Joseph Guzman, who brought us Run! Bitch Run!, which I unofficially proclaimed as 2009's Movie of the Year. Now, I failed to give Run! a proper review, but it was the holidays, and I was knee-deep in retail hell, so please forgive me. It's one I need to re-watch, then maybe I can give it the dues it deserves.

If you want to pick up Nude Nuns before the pack (like I did), head over to Amazon and get an import region free Blu Ray for about what the U.S. release will cost on Valentine's Day.

Necronos Tower of Doom (2010)

2011-11-13T01:26:00.035-06:00

When I think of German horror, Jörg Buttgereit, Olaf Ittenbach, Andreas Bethmann, and Andreas Schnaas come to mind. While I’d say that Jörg mastered the craft with Nekromantik 1&2 and Schramm, I hear good things about Olaf, but have yet to see any of his films (even though Premutos and Dard Divorce sit in my collection). I ran across Andreas Bethmann several years ago through Xploited Cinema, and really liked his work, but Andreas Schnaas's Goblet of Gore looked like a 3rd generation VHS dub and seemed a bit too low budget for me (maybe it was just the copy I had).

This brings us to a new name in German splatter cinema, the Rohnstock Brothers (Lars and Marc). I ran across a mention of their newest film, Necronos Tower of Doom, while browsing the internet filling my head with “all things new in horror.” Since there’s so much out there, and everyone’s making a movie these days, I put on the Side Show waders and looked for the cream of the crop. I liked what I saw in the trailer for Graveyard of the Living Dead, and sent Infernal Films an e-mail requesting a screener, not knowing if Necronos had even been completed. Lars replied, and sent me a copy of Necronos, saying that Graveyard was out-of-stock, but he'd be getting more soon.

The basic story is this, Necronos is a wizard who makes a pact with the Devil to gain immortality. In return, he has to enslave the souls of his victims to build the army of darkness, who will do the Devil’s dirty work until he can come to earth and rule. But, the army ends up being a bunch of pussies, so to push progress along, the Devil requests that Necronos find a virgin witch, and send her blood to hell (this will strengthen the army). Well, the witch he finds turns out to be a slut, and so the undead horde remains flaccid, which gets him caught by the king’s men, stabbed repetitiously, decapitated, dismembered, and burnt.

Quite a chunk of plot to swallow, I know, but years later, he comes back to finish what he started, now armed with a demon henchman, Goran, to help reassemble his army, and an old witch to help find a virgin with “the gift.” What follows is a bunch of people getting kidnapped, bound, sliced and diced, beheaded, thrown to the zombie horde, juiced (a big machine actually does this), and impaled. And this time, Necronos is finally the victor, so hell on earth shall commence (maybe that'll be in Part 2).

Hi, I'm Necronos...or maybe one of the Star Wars guys
I must say, I wasn’t disappointed with this film. It delivered tons of blood-splatter, boobs and full frontal (male too, for the ladies), and severed body parts a plenty. The one big gripe I have is about the runtime (a bit over 2 hours). Once it hit the hour 30 mark, my interest had peaked, and the bogged down story took a backseat to me just wanting to see the next visual assault…...or more boobies!

There were some great gore moments, though, which included the double decapitation, animation of the berserker (who was really only used for one scene :( ), and the pregnant lady sacrifice. While I don’t condone Preggosploitation, I give them props for having the balls to take it to that level, I mean, these days you gotta compete with what the French are bringing (the movie Inside). And, one of the most stand-out scenes is the vaginal impalement, an obvious ode to Cannibal Holocaust.

When low budget films try to tell a semi-complex story, there's almost always downers. The decapitation card was played one too many times, and the zombie horde’s feeding frenzy did nothing for me, but became a bit comical. The beginning of the film is supposed to be in medieval times, yet the female captives all have nicely shaven nether regions (and it looks like one has bikini bottoms on). And while I liked the look of Necronos, he was way too wordy and pointed a lot (even in the picture above), and even though he's supposed to be a demon, Goran looks like a mixture of Jason, Freddy, and Santo.

He sure is a sucker for the ladies

In all, it’s a pretty decent flick, one I’d definitely watch again, and will play at drunken parties. I look forward to seeing their other feature, and thanks again to Lars for sending this. I have high hopes for the Infernal Films camp, and expect much more bloodshed in years to come. If you’re a fan of German horror, check out the Brothers Rohnstock. It’s worth noting that Andreas Schnaas and Timo Rose helped with this film too, and if you look further into German underground horror, you'll see it's like a brotherhood, they're always helping with each other's films. So, maybe Goblet of Gore deserves another try, but until then, I'm gonna blow the dust off Premutos and give Ittenbach a whirl. Bis später!

Free stuff I've won

2011-11-10T00:35:00.029-06:00

What’s better than cheap shit? Free Shit. And, I sure do like winning, especially when it’s horror DVDs and such. I've had a fairly lucky streak over the past couple years, so I wanted to share with you some of my wares.

My latest win is from The Jaded Viewer, who I’ve drawn wisdom, humor, and inspiration from for several years now. Trying to get rid of some of his garbage movie screeners, he held a contest, and in order to be entered, all you had to do was leave a comment. Well, my comment won ("Even if you win a lump of shit, you’re still a winner"), and I got to choose from Ferocious Planet, Savage County, or After Dark Film’s Fertile Ground. I’d already seen two of the three, and didn’t have any interest in Ferocious Planet, so I chose to revisit Fertile Ground. So now, I sit here holding it in my hands as if it were my precious. I'd like to thank the Jaded one again for his hospitality, and please check out his site.

Earlier this year, from Dollar Bin Horror, I won a copy of the Stull DVD (a short movie about the supposed Gate to Hell located near Lawrence, KS), and a Michael Jackson Thriller Comic shirt.

My name was even announced on their radio show a little past the 57:40 mark, and can be heard here. You may need to watch the stupid commercial and let the file load for a minute before you can get there, but yeah, I played it back several times, just to hear my name (I'm egotistical like that).

A couple of Christmases ago, I won a copy of the Silent Night, Deadly Night 3-5 movie collection from Freddy In Space.

You've heard about his blog on here before, and if you haven't started frequenting it, you should now. When asked, "What’s the scariest thing about Christmas?", I said, “A zombie baby Jesus.” And eureka, out of 109 other comments, mine won. For once, my wit earned me more than a punch in the face or a kick in the nads.

A month or two before that, I won the Late Bloomer DVD from Fangoria magazine, but still have yet to watch it.

And, while it wasn't really won, but rather requested, Dr. Terror was nice enough to send me a pair of his exclusive 3D glasses, so I could view his 3D post. I already had a pair that would've worked, but wanted to be part of the "in" crowd, so I asked if he'd send me a pair, and he didn't even hesitate. I didn't have to say the secret word, do the handshake, take a beatdown, or anything. And, thanks to Freddy in Space for sharing the link, otherwise I wouldn't be a part of the 1%ers. Dr. T has some creative thougths and ideas, and also writes for the Blood Sprayer, so be a kind fellow (or lady) and follow his blog.

So, I guess all the time I’ve wasted on reading blogs and tinkering on the internet has really paid off. I also can’t forget those who have sent me screeners for review. While I know I still have some to watch, I thank you for having faith in my abilities, and taking time out of your busy schedules to send them. Also, a big thanks to my industry connections, who have sent me stuff over the years: Tony (Xploited Cinema), Kathy (Koch/eOne), Tony and Kim (Ryko/ADA/WEA), Terry (Magnolia Pictures), John (Hastings Ent.), Strand, Hart-Sharp, Alternative Cinema, Ariztical, and Wolfe. All of you have contributed to the success of this blog, and helped make my movie collection even more insane than I could have imagined.

And, as if I didn't have enough movies already, if you know someone who has a film (short or long) they’d like reviewed, just let me know. While my reviews and interests may seem a bit jaded, I’ll watch about anything, and the crazier the better. That's what makes being a part of the Side Show so much fun! Thanks to all who read this, and for Christmas I'm not asking for money, just pay it forward and tell a friend about this site. But if you must, gifts are always welcomed and appreciated. :)

Asshole of the Week: Best Buy

2011-10-31T15:26:00.013-05:00

So, it’s Halloween day, and I felt the need to touch on a couple things that make big companies look like assholes. Sure, I could easily put Netflix here, and I’ve spoken several times about Warner, but this week it’s Best Buy, who I love and hate. While it seems like their in-store selection continues to dwindle, they do compete aggressively with Amazon and Target to offer the lowest movie prices and exclusives. So, what’s Big Blue done this time?

Not but a day after their Upgrade and Save promotion ended, they offer some of the same titles at $3 less than they were during the promotion, and with no trade-in needed. While these titles were $9.99 after the upgrade coupon, they are now just $6.99, and include Good Will Hunting and Trainspotting on Blu Ray. Sure, it’s only three bucks, but times are hard, and since several people picked these up with the prior promotion (and also had to give up a DVD), it makes it an asshole move. And, during that promotion, there were several titles that went up in price as the last week came to a close, which included all three Friday the 13th Blu Rays.

So, while this discounting giant does offer some great deals, my gripes are 1) keep the Upgrade and Save prices the same throughout the entire promotion, because trying to squeak another $5 out of certain titles (probably the faster moving ones) during the last week, is not only assholish, but quite greedy, and 2) don’t offer titles at lower prices a mere day (or even a few weeks) after the promotion ends. Sadly, this happens with new releases too, where the price drops a couple bucks cheaper than the first week’s sale price, yet it's still within the first three weeks of release.

So, while I’d really like to support new titles, I have to ask, why buy a new movie on street date/week, when it’s just going to be cheaper less than a month later? It’s like paying full price for clothes (who does that?), when a sale is sure to be right around the corner. And, while it’s great for the consumer who waits, it’s stunts like this that cause entertainment to be extremely devalued when reselling it (how often do you see under $5 DVDs or under $10 Blu Rays?), and may be a contributor to why Hollywood and the film industry are in the shitter. So, our Asshole of the Week goes to Best Buy.

Hisss (2010)

2011-10-20T17:57:00.024-05:00

Hisss is Bollywood’s take on a Syfy channel flick, with crappy CGI snakes, crummy dialog, stupid characters, and not-so-great transformation scenes. And, even though there’s a decent looking naked Hindi chick playing the lead, the movie is still better off in the landfill.

After reading about this movie a year or so ago, I don’t recall much more being said, other than the director, Jennifer Chambers Lynch (David Lynch’s daughter), walking away before the editing was done. But, last week I heard it was at Redbox (an exclusive perhaps?), and sure enough, I was able to rent it at one of the local kiosks. Thinking it would be quite an accomplishment for the Red Baron to have it exclusively, I did further research, only to find that it’s also available on Amazon, Blockbuster, and Netflix for rent or download purchase. No word yet on sell-through media, although I’m sure it’ll end up in Walmart's $5 bin, right next to Troma's Redneck Zombies and Echo Bridge's Hellraiser and Children of the Corn multi-packs.

The movie is about the Nagin (Snake Goddess) who has come back to find her mate (a male snake, of course, although some lesbo reptilian love would have been an interesting twist), who has been captured by a guy who hopes to barter with her to get rid of his brain cancer and also gain immortality. Somewhat of a stupid and confusing premise, yes, and even though there's a few bare butt scenes of the Nagin in human form (wouldn't have the same effect if it were just a naked snake, right?), and even a quick, shadowed crotch shot, the overuse of CGI, rubber snakes, and laughable transformations lead to an immediate disappointment (and yawn), and the time spent seemed a bit shameful. Even my recollection of doping up garter snakes with chewing tobacco as a kid were way more entertaining than this movie, sorry PETA. But, not all is lost, as in true Bollywood fashion, we at least get a short (although lackluster) dance number.

So, unless you’re a sucker for bad Syfy-style flicks, steer away from this one. Then again, for a buck (even less if everyone chips in), it may be worth watching with a bunch of friends while consuming massive amounts of alcohol. And, for a few coins more, you can follow it up with Full Moon's Killjoy 3 (also at your local Redbox). We're in a recession, folks, so cheap fun still counts as fun, right?

Pictures courtesy of bloody-disgusting.com:

Still interested?
I thought so.

A Serbian Film cut or uncut U.S. release?

2011-10-06T21:13:00.019-05:00

When I saw that A Serbian Film was finally getting a U.S. release from Invincible Pictures on October 25th, I was happy but skeptical. Wondering if they had the cohones to release the uncut version, I first asked a trusted authority, Diabolik DVD, and according to them, word on the street was that it would be cut by 13 seconds. I kept looking for an official announcement on other sites, but didn't find one. While Amazon says it's unrated, it doesn't say uncut, so I e-mailed Invincible Pictures, and here's the official word from Thomas Ashley:

"The film will be cut by about :30 Seconds. No scenes were completely removed."

So, there you have it folks, it's even too controversial for the land of the free and home of the brave. If you want the uncut version, you'll have to track down the Swedish release (if you can still find one), get it on the collector's market, or take your chances on a torrent. Sure, it's way too extreme for most, but like 2 Live Crew said, "The First Amendment gave us freedom of speech, so whatcha sayin it didn't include me?"

Small Successes in the Video Industry aka The Power of One, My Two Cents, and Toot My Own Horn

2011-09-28T16:46:00.043-05:00

I try not to toot my own horn when I've done something great, yet I still do (because I have low self-esteem and a short man complex), but I really try not to be arrogant about it or steal anyone's thunder. I’m a firm believer that one person can make a difference for the masses, no matter how slight or grand. While I’d like to think this blog makes a difference in some people’s lives, I can't be sure, as comments are rarely left on how much we rock or suck. But, the site does have over 6200 hits, which good or bad, says it’s at least being viewed, if only once. That being said, let’s get to the point of this post.

There’s only been a few times in my life (both business and personal) where I’ve taken direct credit for a change I felt could have a wide-spread impact for the better. The first being when After Dark's 8 Films to Die For hit DVD back in 2007. At the time, I was working for an entertainment store, and when I noticed that they had been placed on our rental section by movie title alone, I immediately e-mailed our corporate office and told them that they should be merchandised together, in order to maximize exposure and sales. So, within a day, a ADH (After Dark Horrorfest) prefix was added to the title, so they would now be in the same area. This change took place not only in my store, but in 145 others, so I felt pretty proud of myself, plus, as a fan, I could now steer customers to one location for their bloodletting needs. This carried over to subsequent year’s ADH releases as well, and a similar strategy was used with the Ghost House Underground series. So, a big pat on the back for me, as it's possibly my only claim to fame, other than my notorious goatee, in working for the same company for 10 years.

Some of the After Dark Films, courtesy of Canadian Ebayer havstrength16:

Another story of my greatness (yes, the reek of arrogance) happened most recently, when I purchased the re-release of the movie House 2: The Second Story by Image Entertainment (under their Midnight Madness banner). I already had a copy of the first movie, but both Anchor Bay discs went out-of-print several months ago, and were fetching way more than what they retailed at, so I waited on the Image disc, which was priced around a 10 spot. Before opening it, I noticed it said 1.33:1 fullscreen, whereas the Anchor Bay release was widescreen. So, I cross-referenced several websites, with a couple confirming the fullscreen presentation (Family Video and DVD Empire), but most, including Amazon, saying widescreen. Having product in-hand, I knew otherwise, so I e-mailed Amazon, and within a few days, the correction was made. The same thing happened with Image's re-release of the first movie too, and I'm sure some of the others, but why widescreen wasn't the choice is beyond me (who watches fullscreen anymore if given an option?). So, I e-mailed them directly several weeks ago, but have yet to get a response. Knowing Amazon's customer frequency, and me considering them a very reliable source of information, I just really felt the need to point out the correction. Not to mention, as a customer, I'd be pretty pissed off if I bought something that was misrepresented, and had to spend the time and money to return it. While I’ll never know what the actual impact or customer savings is (I’d like to think it’s huge), I still give myself a pat on the back for my tireless efforts and attention to detail.

Needless to say, I returned the fullscreen copy to the store I purchased it from, and spent a little more on Amazon to get the OOP widescreen version, which as I write, is hovering around 10 bucks plus shipping (damn, even less than what I paid). So, if you’re in the market for this title, steer away from Image’s release (pictured on the left), even though it does have the original (better) artwork, and pick up Anchor Bay's while it's still reasonably priced.

I’ve also read that the recent Blu Ray releases Image acquired from Anchor Bay (Hills Have Eyes and Hellraiser 2) are just upscales from A.B.’s previous masters. Shame on you, Image, you’ve had a great run thus far, and we horror fans expect much more from you, but can only hope you use these mistakes for the wiser, and aren’t headed over Echo's Bridge. (If you didn't get that last poke, Echo Bridge Home Ent. has botched several titles they acquired from Miramax's catalog. Lame humor, I know, but maybe at least one person will chuckle as I did in my head when writing it).

Other titles recently re-issued under Image's Midnight Madness Series from Anchor Bay’s catalog are Slugs, The Stuff, Return to Horror High, Return of the Killer Tomatoes, Initiation, Vineyard, and Blu Ray versions of Hellraiser and Children of the Corn.

The Unknown (2007)--SRS Cinema

2011-09-26T19:40:00.021-05:00

Normally, when I see the SRS Cinema label, I think of shitty, low-budget movies that don’t deserve a 2nd look (other than the early Eric Stanze stuff), but at some point during a horror convention, I picked up a movie called The Unknown (probably bought on the cheap), touted under the SRS Cinema Grindhouse label. What’s different in this and the regular label, shit, I don’t know, but the movie wasn’t half bad.

It’s somewhat of an Amityville style house-possession story, where three friends (Linda, Jake, and Adrien) try to find help for a wrecked car, but end up getting trapped by a house’s evil clutches. Adrien starts acting weird, eating maggots, and having visions of killing (and eventually acting on it), while Jake and Linda try to find their way back to the car, but things happen, and they end up stuck at the house. Yeah, it’s low budget, with some crappy dialog and effects, but still very watchable, and Linda’s thonged bottom looked pretty nice too.

But, there were some really retarded parts that detracted from the story. 1) Some dude comes out of a closet, has a wound on his face and a gun in-hand, writes his thoughts on a piece of paper for Jake to see, then goes upstairs and blows his brains out, 2) The apparition scenes of the old, blurry-faced man telling Adrien to kill everyone, 3) The shaky dude in the attic who had chains around his head, which for a moment was kind of cool, but then seemed irrelevant and unnecessary, and 4) The "Water this Way" markings which helped Jake find the lake. This phrase was conveniently subtitled to ensure we knew what it said, as if we couldn’t read them, and it wasn’t even a pivotal plot piece, so I'm not sure why they wanted to make it a point.

I didn’t hate it, but it's not one I would recommend either, as there’s nothing really noteworthy to take away from it. It's just a mediocre b-movie, and trust me, I've seen worse, but I wouldn't mind watching it again somewhere down the line. The coverart is very simple, yet seemingly effective for a movie of it's caliber, and it has reversible artwork for another SRS Grindhouse movie, Scarred. Smart idea for a small company, not only to promote another movie, but to help keep costs and supplies down. While both discs are available on Netflix, I encourage you to check out Eric Stanze’s Scrapbook and China White Serpentine instead. And, if you like those, check out Deadwood Park and his newest one, Ratline, which were bigger budget projects not released under the SRS tent.

ACTING	--3--	HUMOR	--1--
BLOOD/GORE	--3--	NUDITY	--0--
B-MOVIE-RIFIC	--2--	DIRECTING	--2--

OVERALL RATING

--2.5--

Warner's plan to kill the video rental store

2011-09-23T20:37:00.023-05:00

As featured in Home Media Magazine:

Retail and distribution sources say Warner Home Video is set to impose for the first time a 28-day delay on new releases to video stores beginning Nov. 1.

The embargo would include new releases Crazy, Stupid, Love Nov. 1 and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows — Part 2 Nov. 11, among others.

It remains unclear whether Warner, beginning in January, would impose a planned 60-day embargo on new release titles to all rental channels or just kiosks such as Redbox and Blockbuster Express.

“Some of the Warner reps have called our key customers to let them know about this upcoming change,” said a distributor who wished to remain anonymous. “They have all been consistent with their message.”

The move underscores parent Time Warner and Warner Home Video’s mandate to protect higher-margin sellthrough of DVDs and Blu-ray Disc and transactional video-on-demand from lower-margin rental options.

A Warner representative did not comment by press time.

Now, my thoughts:

The 28-day window was initially set up to benefit brick and mortar stores, more specifically, Blockbuster, the biggest rental chain. And, although a breath of life was blown back into Big Blue, financial woes continued, so more stores closed, causing the public to react by seeking their entertainment elsewhere, and enabling Family Video to move in and gobble up market share. But, if Warner imposes the 28-day window to retail stores as well, then that's another nail in the coffin for the rental industry.

Warner has always been very vocal about rental cannibalizing sell-through, but they should be able to work cohesively, since not everyone wants to spend $15 or more on a movie if they're not sure if it's a keeper. Now, I love the option to rent, and I'm all for cheap rentals, but I tend to scoff at kiosks and their limited selections and title availability. But, I know there's little loyalty to any one rentailer, because it's about the best value and what's most convenient for the customer. Sure, I rent from brick and mortar stores, but also from Redbox and Netflix. Which one I choose when, boils down to what I want to see, when I want to see it, how much money I have, and which one is closer...or open.

My heart aches for the demise of the rental store, as it was a safe haven as a kid and young adult, and until a few months ago, I spent 10 years working in it. I hate that big studios continue to run the industry and run over everyone in their path, but I truly believe that once the smoke clears, Mom and Pop stores shall rise again. Sure, it's all about convenience and our "I want it now" mentality, but as Hollywood continues to disappoint, and indies and international markets bring us the newest ideas and angles, those who choose to weather the storm will triumph.

This isn't the first time I've expressed my distaste for Warner's ways (remember Is Warner Brothers' the Devil?), and I'm sure it won't be the last, since for them, it's never what's in the customer's best interest, but rather who's pockets at the top aren't fat enough. Since I wrote that post, my friend, Kim, no longer works for them (damn downsizing), and Blue Underground, Severin, Troma, Cult Epics, and Synapse/Impulse Pictures got tired of the bureaucracy, and have sought distribution elsewhere, several going to CAV, headed by Jay Douglas, formerly of Ryko/ADA. See, there is life after Warner (and probably a more lucrative one).

So, please support your local rental stores (and even Big Blue), and don't give in to corporate bullying and bullshit.

Haven't I seen these before? The Ward and Death Stop Holocaust

2011-08-22T00:01:00.036-05:00

Sorry, but The Fog came back and took all my new ideas.
I rented The Ward last week and was really glad to see that both of the rental stores in town had about 20 copies each. My thoughts after watching it? Well, maybe Carpenter should've stayed in full-length feature retirement, or at least spent more time developing original ideas. Now, that may have been a bit too harsh, but there wasn’t a single thing new or exciting added to the insane asylum/mental patient genre, and I feel this could've been cut down to an hour episode for the Masters of Horror series. Sure, there would have been less character and story development, but would it really matter? There was zero emotional investment in any character but the lead, Kristen (Amber Heard), and that's probably just because she's hot and I didn't want to see her die.

So, the story goes like this: After being admitted to a mental ward for burning down a house, Kristen starts seeing something scary in the shadows (and in fogged up mirrors). Knowing that she’s not crazy, she fakes taking her meds, and spends every waking moment trying to figure out who/what the ghoul is, and plotting her escape. I thought I was watching an episode of MacGyver, because she uses a letter opener to unlock a door, a penny to unscrew an air duct cover, and a bed spring to get her straight jacket off. This chick can’t be contained! But, as mentioned above, all the characters are forgettable, and the retro feel (set in the 60's) felt pretty lame. It’s like he dusted off a script he had packed away from the 70's or 80’s, and decided to make it today, which just did nothing for me.

So yeah, I was thoroughly disappointed, because how many times can the twist ending be a multiple personality thing? Shit, I should have just watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest again to get my loony fix. But I will say, I never really get tired of looking at Amber Heard, and the shower scene was probably the best of them all, with side boob shots of several of the female cast. I just wish Carpenter would have done more with this film, and his failure to do so is probably why the major studios passed on it.

My follow-up feature was Death Stop Holocaust, which I had been looking forward to after seeing a trailer and contacting the director, Justin Russell, for a screener. Needless to say, I'd have to wait, because Shriek Show picked it up, and it was getting an official release in a few months. But, I feel my wait was in vain, because how many times do we have to see the same ideas and imagery rehashed again and again with no refreshing twist? Grindhouse homages and killers in horse and pig masks have been done several times, so let’s please try something different. This is his first feature since his student film, The Gremlin, and it’s easy to see his influences and love of the genre, which was done here on a meager $13K budget. I just really wish he would have broken away from the familiar roles and situations, given us more interesting killers and kills, and with his next feature, The Sleeper (a nod to the slasher/giallo genre) will take us to not so common ground.

I felt I'd seen both of these features before, and while it would be easy to say that creativity in the horror world is dead, which would mean I’ll hate the next 5-10 years worth of new movies, I'll just say it's extremely challenged. I still get excited to see new horror movies, but am often let down with the final product. I liked Super 8 and Final Destination 5, and am looking forward to Don't Be Afraid of the Dark and Shark Night (even though it's Jaws for today's kids), but don't have high hopes for Fright Night or Conan the Barbarian (which looks absolutely ridiculous). Since anyone can make their own damn movie these days (Thanks, Lloyd!), the garbage factor is sure to rise, but I can only hope that diamonds in the rough start to emerge, as the efforts get tiresome, and the landfill is almost full. But hey, if it you saves you money by reading this blog, then I have no problem weeding out the chaff.

Was The Ward set up to fail?

2011-08-15T12:08:00.015-05:00

I use this platform to not only praise things I think are great, but to rant when I see injustices in the horror industry, or after watching poorly made movies. While I was looking at this week’s circulars for Best Buy, Target, and a couple others, I saw no mention of John Carpenter’s The Ward. Now, I haven’t seen this film, but it’s been on my watch list for several months now, and I intend to this week. So, why does this title not deserve any press? Is it because it wasn’t picked up by a major studio and is being released by Arc Entertainment (who the heck is that)? Further research finds Arc Ent. to be a small distribution company based out of Santa Monica, CA, with their most notable titles being the Dragon Dynasty series, which you can find at your local Walmart. Come on (big studio) guys, this is the man that brought us Michael Myers, The Thing (remake), They Live, The Fog, etc. And, with Amber Heard’s recent fame, why can’t these titles get any major promotion outside of the indie scene?

Amber Heard in Mandy Lane
Now granted, The Ward has been awarded an actual release, unlike All the Boys Love Mandy Lane, but it’s like you either already know about it, or it was set up to just creep under the radar, maybe never being discovered by those who don’t shop outside of the major outlets. I have nothing against Best Buy or Target, other than them constantly dwindling their selection, or being out-of-stock on a featured title, but I also find it disheartening to see one of the Masters of Horror’s most recent projects sink into obscurity. I guess it could’ve been a failure of Arc’s marketing team by not pushing big-box retailers to feature it (by giving them discounts in order to sell it cheaper), but if it was simply the retail buying gods passing on this title because it wasn’t “big enough,” then they need to be slapped. While I’m sure Best Buy will have some copies available for purchase, and something tells me it'll be on Walmart's shelves too, the best deal I’ve found is on Amazon, where it's $15.99 on DVD or $17.99 on Blu-Ray.

And, even though I’m really looking forward to seeing this title, and know it's anticipated on other horror blogs too, like Freddy in Space, I sure hope Mr. Carpenter hasn't lost his touch after sitting out of the full-length feature game for 9 years (since Ghosts of Mars). So, once you’ve seen it, feel free to leave a comment, so we can share in it's praise...or misery. On a side note, while I liked Stake Land, I wasn’t blown away by it, but would still pick it up for around ten bucks (on Blu-Ray). Next week, it’s onto Bereavement (the prequel to Malevolence), another highly anticipated title, that is, unless you’re torn on whether you should add Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil to your horror collection. Heck, Leprechan went to the hood (twice), so why can’t they? Oh, I think that’s a different hood they’re referring to. Ha ha!

A final farewell to Xploited Cinema

2011-08-12T15:20:00.012-05:00

By reading my blog, you've heard me mention Xploited Cinema many times, and know how much I loved this company. I credit them for not only having a great site, selection, and customer service (Tony Simonelli is an excellent businessman), but for opening up my eyes to world cinema, and nudging me to get an all-region DVD player, so I would not miss out on these classics. He first introduced me to Andreas Bethmann (Existus Interruptus 1&2, Rossa Venezia), Toe Tag Pictures (August Underground, Redsin Tower (where IMDb credits him as an executive producer)), my first Karim Hussain DVDs (Subconscious Cruelty, Ascension, and now Hobo With a Shotgun), and I got the wickedest Texas Chainsaw Massacre ever released, a 2-disc PAL DVD that just screams bloody goodness.

Image courtesy of Freddy in Space and Import Films
After having been a loyal shopper for a couple years, I approached Tony about being an affiliate site, where he would provide movies, either at a discount or for free, and I would write a review and link his site, to which he obliged. But sadly, it was a short-lived venture, because a couple of months later, he announced he would no longer be adding any new titles, and would be selling through his existing inventory, eventually shuttering the website and moving onto other things. I was such a fan that I asked if he was interested in selling his site and inventory, but he was not, fearing that the business he poured his heart, soul, and money into, would not be ran with the same vigor. I was crushed, thinking that this was finally my escape from my current job, and I was even willing to take a jaunt to Ohio to see his operation, considered moving there if it panned out. But, it was his baby, and although it was a huge letdown, I understood, so I asked his words of wisdom on getting into the business, and he said to start selling on E-bay, build a name for myself, and then branch out from there. He said he started his business by investing $1000, and after that, he never had to take out a line of credit, but just re-invested his earnings back into it. Eventually, he built such a strong brand, that he blew away every other site on the web (those were my words).

So, now that it's August 15th, 2011, Xploited may disappear from the interweb forever, running one last sale to liquidate it's merchandise. If you haven't been there in a while, never been there before, or threw your last shovel load of dirt on it's coffin long ago, please take one last gander at what the site has to offer. And, may visions of Xploited Cinema (and sugarplums) dance in your head forever.

Tony, I personally want to thank you for always being a true and trusted salesman, running a great site, and opening my eyes to movies I may have never ran across. I wish you all the luck in your future endeavors, and I want you to know that although it never became my reality, I would have done the Xploited name proud, and I can only hope that other sites have used your business model and motto as their inspiration.

For those now pining over where to get your DVD and obscure cinema fix, please visit Diabolik DVD, as they now have the business of genre cinema on lock.

An Asian movie marathon and a couple others

2011-08-08T23:36:00.024-05:00

Freeze Me-A Japanese rape/revenge flick, where a girl gets assaulted, and years later, her assailants come back to reenact what they did before. This time, however, she’s not letting it slide, and she kills each one and puts them in a freezer. As she attempts to rekindle things with her old flame, her secret gets out, so she has to take care of him too, and then plummets to her death (or so we gather). A decent movie in the genre, but all too tiresome with the same violence and assault against women, which is prevalent in Japanese shock cinema.

Ichi the Killer-I saw this many years ago, way before I really knew who Takashi Miike was, and before Japanese splatter cinema made it’s way into the mainstream. So, I thought I’d give it another shot, and to be honest, I was rather bored based off the high praise it always receives, and my vague remembrance. I was doing other things while I watched it the first time, but little did I realize after all these years, that it wasn’t Ichi on the DVD cover, but Kakihara. Duh, I know you’re saying, and starting to question whether I'm a true Miike fan, but I say bullocks, are names really important in these kind of movies anyway? No, it’s about how outrageous situations can be, and what director can one-up the other. Granted, there are some pretty sweet parts in it, like Kak’s mouth/fist sequence, and the hot grease/suspension scene, but compared to the Japanese extreme films of today, it’s pretty tame. I think I need re-watch Visitor Q now.

Wayward Cloud-Quite a quirky little movie with sexual innuendos galore (and some outright in your face), about a porn star who’s been looking for love in all the wrong places, but finds it in the water lady, while a drought is going on. It has musical numbers, a watermelon make out scene, a watermelon birth, AND watermelon sex, and has to be the first melonsploitation movie I’ve ever seen. And, holy shit, that video store has friggin oodles and oodles of movies (VHS and DVD). **Note to self, buy more movies.** If you’re a fan of oddball Asian cinema (this one’s from China), and don’t mind strong, mature subject matter (heck, that’s probably why you’d want to watch it), this may be a film for you.

Puppet Monster Massacre-This puppet/animated feature has been compared to Meet the Feebles and Mad Monster Party. While it does have some of the same humor as MtF, it just didn’t do a whole lot for me. Gramps, Otis, and Raimi are the best characters, and the puppet nudity takes it to the next level, which you obviously won’t see in a Jim Henson movie, but with only a few giggles and somewhat overplayed gore scenes, this was a one-watcher for me. But, get a bunch of friends, throw back a few cold ones, and then put this on, and I guarantee it’ll be a rip roaring good time.

Made in Serbia-After seeing A Serbian Film and Life and Death of a Porno Gang, anything coming out of that region is now a must-see for me. I purchased this from Diabolik DVD (in PAL form), and it's a great accompaniment piece to the two movies above. It focuses on one man’s mission to not only educate himself on the porno industry in his country, but to get the help of lead directors, in order to make his own porno flick, starring his ex-girlfriend, a somewhat retired porno star who is willing to do one more feature before calling it quits and saying goodbye to her home town. The lives of several up and coming actors are talked about, as well as those who just do it for the money. The production value of these films are pretty low-grade, as well as the acting, and it’s a wonder how anyone gets their jollies off this stuff. Different strokes for different folks, that's for sure. It’s definitely worth a watch for those who like porn documentaries, and if you haven’t seen A Serbian Film, it gets an official Blu-Ray and DVD release in the states in October. However, if you just can't wait, Diabolik has a DVD release right now that will only set you back 14 bucks plus shipping.

Screw double-dipping The Walking Dead

2011-08-04T12:32:00.011-05:00

I normally don't double-dip on a title unless it's something I think is super badass and well worth the money, or is a format upgrade. What pisses me off is when companies, especially within the first year of release, re-issue a movie (or music) with extra features not included on the original release. For instance, The Walking Dead series. The DVD and Blu-Ray were released in March, and is getting re-released in October. A mere 7 months later, to tie-in with the second season, AMC and Anchor Bay want us to drop our hard earned cash again for all that stuff they failed to give us on the original release. Amazon currently has the Blu-Ray for pre-order for 42 bucks, but you can pick up the original release for about $25, and that includes shipping. Sure, the new one is like the "Extreme Fan Edition," and I really did like the show and am anticipating the new season, but unless AMC or Anchor Bay are going to offer us a $15-20 trade-in toward the purchase of the new one, then I'm gonna pass. And yeah, I could sell my copy and re-coop some of my money in order to purchase the new one, but paying about $20 more for the black and white pilot episode, commentaries, and making of's isn't worth it to me. However, I do like the new cover, and would pay maybe a couple of bucks for the slipcase.

So, studios, please quit asking me to double-dip, as I have enough other stuff I'd like to spend my money on, like Bereavement, Stake Land, The Ward, and a double-dip waffle cone from Cold Stone or Braums.

To Buy or Not Buy, That is the Question

2011-03-24T23:42:00.045-05:00

While I love to support the entertainment industry with my hard earned dollar (both theatrical and physical media), I frequently feel mislead by marketing, and ripped off by studios who continue to release shit. Since I have minimal shelf space left for mediocre titles, I have to be choosy in what I buy/retain, and I’m always torn on whether to buy in hi-def, or just be satisfied with DVD upversion. This decision hinges mostly on price. For new movies, 20 bucks is reasonable for Blu Ray, and for older ones, $10 deals tend to get me every time, even if I already have it on DVD and haven’t watched it in over 10 years!

Week-in, week-out, I watch several movies, and most are crap, but I believe every movie at least deserves a watch, because who knows when you'll run across the next gem. I also have a vast collection of crap, gems, and ones I just can’t let go of due to fond childhood memories. I’m always looking for the next best thing, or the most obscure titles, but I’m not always compelled to do a review on them, nor do I read full reviews on the sites I follow (which are about 10). I would rather read a brief synopsis, and then reasons why I should or shouldn’t watch it/buy it (call it the lazy man's review). So, in order for you to get more out of your precious time spent here, I present “To Buy or Not to Buy,” the first of several movie quickies to help you decide what to spend your money on, to merely rent/stream, or to run the hell away from.

Fright Flick-lame horror movie within a horror movie premise. Had a couple of strippers/porno stars that bared their big fake boobs, but I wasn't impressed with anything. Another “miss” title from Breaking Glass Pictures/Vicious Circle Films, so only rent/stream if you must.

Siren-three people get boatwrecked while trying to rescue someone on an island (unknowingly, a siren). She has them hallucinating, and then kills them one by one only to overtake the female lead who will continue the business of sirening. Two hot females, a side boob shot, deceptive DVD artwork (Go Lionsgate!), and that's about it. Renter/streamer at best.

Hereafter-lame Matt Damon flick directed by Clint Eastwood where Mr. Jason Bourne can speak to the dead, but then falls in love with a chick who has a near death experience. If you just can’t get enough of Mr. Damon, rent it, otherwise watch Good Will Hunting again.

Sharktopus-an ubercheesy "Roger Corman presents" Syfy flick where a military experiment goes awry, and the sharktopus (half shark/half octopus) starts killing everyone. A Corman cameo, a nice looking chick in a bikini, and a heck of a lot of CGI and ridiculousness. Good for a rent if you like these kind of flicks, just add friends and lots of booze.

Hemingway’s Garden of Eden-another flick where Mena Suvari goes topless (remember American Beauty), and a much hotter Spanish chick (Caterina Murino) bares them too. There’s tons of sex, a really ugly haircut, and lots of snoozy drama. Did I mention tons of sex? Rent/stream.

Sugar Boxx-a throwback to the 70-80’s women in prison movies where we do get the norm: naked chicks in prison, an Ilsa-type warden, a corrupt and horny sheriff, but not much cat fighting. It tried so hard to be an homage to the now lost sub-genre, but other than the "too black, too strong" chick, who carried the show for me, there wasn’t much else that was great. I could easily see this ending up as an after dark feature on Cinemax though. Don’t get me wrong, some of those flicks are entertaining, but you get what you get, and I think this would screen well as a drunk night double-feature with Black Dynamite. Rent/stream.

Shadow-what started off as another Wrong Turn style movie (Yawn), had so much potential when it finally got to the creepy dude who was torturing (electrocution and eye lid removal) the three dudes he just kidnapped. Come to find out, the events may have just been playing out in a dude's head (ex-military) from post-traumatic stress. The creepy dude really was pretty creepy, though, I just wish they'd have done more with it. Rent/stream.

Derby-this is an older Code Red title that I got from Netflix, which started freezing up after about 30 minutes (I assume from the big scratches on the disc), so I didn’t get a chance to finish it. It’s about some dude who wants to become a Roller Derbier. From what I saw, the picture and storyline were pretty shoddy, no nudity, but some roller derby chicks (and dudes) beating the crap out of each other. Pass this one up and rent Blood On the Flat Track.

Dang, all these panned out to be just rentals, but there are a few movies that are well worth buying. If you have a Blu Ray player, pretty much any new release from Arrow Films is a winner. They are region-free Blu Rays, but any extra special feature discs are PAL formatted, so you’ll have to have an all-region player or a PC to view them. They come with 4 different artwork choices, great liner notes, and supplemental material. So far, they blow away all the other releases out there, even the ones that Blue Underground carries. They’re newest titles are: Lucio Fulci’s The Beyond (be aware that there was a picture flaw but they are correcting), Dario Argento’s Deep Red, Inferno, Tenebrae, and Phenomena, Battle Royale, and Bay of Blood. I picked mine up at Amazon.co.uk, and the current conversion rate is 1.00 GBP = 1.61216 USD. Basically, I paid about $25 or less per title with shipping, and the Blue Underground ones are going for $20-25, depending on where you buy them. For collectors, it's money well spent!

For video extremists, I highly recommend A Serbian Film. It has yet to get U.S. distribution, but can be found on the web. There’s not much else I can say that someone hasn’t already, but it's a gritty and vile film, needs to be seen to be believed, and is guaranteed to be talked about for years to come. I liked it, but wasn’t extremely blown away by it, yet it continues to linger in my head, and the more I talk to people about it, the more excited I get about it getting an official release. So, find a copy, and experience the chaos.

The last one that gets my stamp of approval today is Taxidermia, which I mentioned in an earlier post. I sat on a Region 2 copy of this film for over 3 years, and when I heard it was getting an official release here last year, I thought it was time to dig it out. Sadly, that didn't happen until this month (a year later), and I was happy, but disappointed that I hadn’t “experienced it first.” See, it tickles me to say, yeah, I've seen that/own that, but it's not released here yet--it just puts me in the cinephile hierarchy. ;) Needless to say, it was all the weirdness I’d hoped for. My girlfriend even sat through it, but raised a brow every so often like, what in the hell are we watching? Heh heh, she’s such a trooper. This film is sure to have you shaking your head, maybe even gagging a little, and will sit well in your collection alongside Eraserhead and Subconscious Cruelty. If you don't have either of those, you better get to it Bud!

I hope this saved you a few duckets, and there's more mini-reviews to come!

Franco Face Off: Paula-Paula (2010) vs. Lorna the Exorcist (1974)

2011-02-24T13:23:00.032-06:00

Up to this point, Jess Franco has done 209 films, with his latest being Paula-Paula, an “audiovisual experience.” There’s not a lot to this movie, and it can be summed up in one line: Porno Paula kills Erotic/Belly Dancer Paula, but not before she sexes her up. Ha ha, Color Me Badd's I Wanna Sex You Up just jumped into my head, yours too? While it does have some of the “Franco essentials,” there’s a lot left to the viewer to interpret and impatiently sit through. Sure, the meat and potatoes are there (T&A), but this is a long, grueling experience, when popping in a porno (with even more meat and taters in less time) could have sufficed. So, here’s what we get:

Naked Chicks-Check
Full Frontal-Check
Two chicks kissing (longest ongoing onscreen kiss?) and lesbianism-Check
Lina Romay-Check
Overused 70’s Psychedelica-Yes
Storyline-No
Shoddy Dialog-Yes
Looks like it was shot in a spare bedroom with foil backdrops-Yes
Music sounding like it came from a Charlie Brown episode-Yes
Disappearing blood-Yes

IMDB labels this one as a “video,” and rightly so, because other than a few lines of dialog, this thing is filled with piano and jazz music, nudity, and not much more. The disappearing blood comes when Paula slices her lover’s throat (shot up close), but after pulling the knife away, the blood is nowhere to be seen. Jess says he tries hard to bring “new cinema” with each new feature, and touts cinematic freedom, but in reality, this is a horrible 70’s throwback, with nothing new to offer. Sure, he’s got some notable works under his belt, all pretty much from the 70’s and early 80’s, but to allow him freedom these days, means a cinematic disaster. Even with fully naked up-and-comers, this film is garbage, and after seeing this, and some of the works SRS Cinema picked up (Snakewoman, Red Silk, Mari-Cookie and the Killer Tarantula, etc), I think Jess really needs to hang it up.

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

To get the bad taste out of mouth from Paula-Paula, I decided to watch Lorna the Exorcist, and it was a nice change from the crap I’d just seen. Although Franco always works on a small budget (even smaller these days it seems), in his earlier films, he used atmosphere and architecture to spice things up. As I mentioned above, Paula-Paula looks like it was shot in a spare bedroom with foil backdrops, this is not the case in Lorna, as the scenery really adds to the story. So, let’s compare Lorna to Paula:

Naked Chicks-Check
Full Frontal-Check
Two chicks kissing and lesbianism-Check
Lina Romay-Check, and naked too
70’s Psychedelica-No, 70’s attire and style-Yes
Storyline-Yes
Shoddy Dialog-Yes, which is always the case in a Franco flick, yet here it was actually coherent
Disappearing blood-No, disappearing crabs-Yes

Down on his luck, Patrick meets Lorna (Pamela Stanford) at the roulette table a casino, and she sends some of her lucky mojo his way, allowing him to finally win. In repayment, they go up to her room and have a roll in the sheets, where he agrees to give her his yet conceived daughter (Linda, played by Lina Romay) when she turns 18. He then goes back to his hotel, and seals the deal with his wife, unbeknownst to her. 18 years later, and dawning Linda’s birthday, Lorna comes back for what’s rightfully hers, seducing her in dream-like sequences, and some of the worst simulated carpet munching I’ve ever seen.

Not wanting to hand over his daughter, daddy dearest is threatened, and given a seashell knuckle punch (think brass knuckles, but with a seashell) by Lorna’s goon, while his wife, Marianne, is tormented by crotch critters (real baby crabs) that eventually lead to her death. Lorna transfers her powers to Linda via a breast licking/simulated feeding scene, with the final transformation happening after a consummated dildo hammering. Linda, now on the sexual prowess, attempts to seduce her father, but he's able to withstand (all but a long gaze while she's showering). Another attempt is futile, so he gets a knife in the back.

Lorna the Exorcist seems like an inappropriately title, since there's really no exorcisms, religious dogma, or crucifix defilement here. It's merely Lorna passing her devilishness onto her (somewhat) offspring, so Lorna the Devil/Demon/Succubus seems to fit better. Title aside, I really liked it, which seldom happens when I blind buy, but knowing that Mondo always brings quality, and this was shot during Franco’s golden age, I figured how could I go wrong? Sure, it runs a bit too long, and Lorna’s make-up was ridiculously transvestitish, but Linda and Marianne (Jacqueline Laurent) were well worth it, and both were clad with hairy bushes. There is nudity galore (the Franco staple), and he even makes an appearance as a psychiatrist.

Now, I’m by no means an expert on Franco films, but feel like I’ve seen enough to tell you what's carp and what's not, and I believe this is one of his better works, sitting well alongside Sinner: Diary of a Nymphomaniac, Eugenie, and Vampyros Lesbos. I also think it would make a great double-feature with Alucarda (also from Mondo). That was probably cemented in when I saw Lina’s crazy eyes and scream at the end, and thought, what a great segue into a film about devil possessed nuns. Put the kiddies to bed, and get out the popcorn for some blood soaked fun and lots of screaming, better yet, maybe wait until the kids aren't home, so they don't think you're killing their mom. I do have to frown down on Intervision Pictures for choosing Paula-Paula as their first release (which probably has to do with Larry Gold’s friendship and loyalty to Jess), but think The Sinister Eyes of Dr. Orloff has potential, even though I have no clue about the Orloff story, or it's sequels. So, in the meantime, pick up the others mentioned above, and go Franc yourself. :)

While Paula-Paula gets an overall rating of 1, only because of full frontal nudity, Lorna was actually a movie with substance, so rates much better.

ACTING	--2--	HUMOR	--2--
BLOOD/GORE	--1--	NUDITY	--4--
CINEMATOGRAPHY	--3--	FRANCO GOODNESS	--4--

OVERALL RATING

--3--

Happy Birthday K-Fleet

2011-02-16T20:08:00.002-06:00

Did Stephen King really say this?

2011-01-30T23:05:00.015-06:00

At first I thought this was some random dude's comment from some random source of media, but at second look, it's from the one and only Stephen King. "The Best American Horror Film..." That had to be taken out of context, seeing that this is a remake of the Swedish film, Let The Right One In, and I've heard it's pretty much a shot-for-shot redo. While I can't speak on either film, because I haven't seen them (although LTROI is sitting in my collection), I can say that it's not an American original. I speculate that other words accompanied these while talking to King, but the marketing and promotions dept at Anchor Bay strategically plucked out these for the DVD release. King can't be that oblivious, but his stamp of approval could translate into dollars. So, maybe it is a great movie, and possibly the best American horror REMAKE in the last 20 years, but to pawn it off as an American classic is a travesty. So, screw what King says, watch both (the original first, of course), and then you can determine which one, if either, should be in the Horror Hall of Fame.

More 9.99 Blu Ray Deals at Best Buy

2011-01-30T13:16:00.005-06:00

So, I thought Amazon was going to be the major price slasher on the big horror releases in February (and they still could be), but I just visited Best Buy's website (a Sunday ritual), and noticed some new Blu Ray entries added to their 9.99 and under bins. I Spit On Your Grave (The Original), Last House on the Left (1972), Poltergeist 2, Robocop 2&3, and Heavy Metal and Hatchet 2 (for $14.99). There are also some great non-horror titles, so head on over and fill up your cart, or visit a store on Tuesday for these great/cheap releases.

Dogtooth (2009)

2011-01-27T15:45:00.022-06:00

No, this isn’t the movie poster, but I thought it would be a funny intro. Dogtooth takes us into the lives of a family who have kept their children hidden from society’s evils. They’re home schooled, play childish games and have childlike demeanors, are highly impressionable and somewhat oblivious, clearly dysfunctional, and harshly disciplined for their shortcomings. The parents do a lot to manipulate their kids thoughts, like what is, really isn’t, and make up stories to keep them at bay.

Christina, a security guard at the father’s work, is introduced into the mix in order to satisfy the son’s sexual needs. She’s blindfolded on the car ride to and fro, does the deed, mingles with the family for a bit, is paid for her time, and repeats the process on another day. Well, when the son fails to satisfy her needs, she takes things into her own hands, or should I say crotch, and bargains with the older sister. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop (in return for a sparkly headband)? Only Christina knows, but this prompts the older sister to start bargaining with her younger one (licks for treats). Christina’s devilish ways not only brings curiosity, but ultimately crushes their entire world.

A few horror elements come into play too. The older sister bites her brother’s arm and then later knifes it, all over a toy airplane. The son takes a pair of hedge clippers and kills a stray cat in the backyard. The older sister gets bashed over the head for watching porno, Christina gets bashed with a VCR, and the older sister bashes her dogtooth out with a hand weight. There's lots of bashing going on here! Incest plays out too (the parent's idea), since Christina is no longer welcome, but the son still has his carnal needs.

I could give a play-by-play of how this film unfolds, and may have given too much away already, but Dogtooth has to be watched in order to be understood. Sure, it may confuse and disgust some feeble viewers, and similarities to Blast from the Past and The Village may be recognized, but it’s my (early) pick as one of the best movies of 2011 (even though it was filmed in 2009). It has the shock value of Kids, Gummo, and Ken Park, yet allows a sense of compassion, as the kids are merely puppets of their masters (their parents).

A scene I found humorous is when the younger sister is cutting off her Barbie doll's feet with scissors, and she screams every time she does it. There’s just a sense of childishness we can all relate to, and an innocence we may have lost due to growing up. Much like a pussy is a big light, and a zombie is a small, yellow flower (these are the definitions given by the mother), maybe our adolescent minds have come to learn too much, thus making life way too complicated. Oh, the obliviousness of these kids if they're ever released into the real world...

This is a great movie, and a great feature for the new year. Another movie on my radar is Enter the Void by Gaspar Noe, the man behind Irreversible and I Stand Alone, which are highly recommended, and highly controversial. When I look at people’s “most extreme cinema” lists, these two titles are almost always on there, and that's my kind of cinema, so I have big hopes for his new flick! If you like these, you should like Dogtooth, but either way, it's not one that's easily forgotten.

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

ACTING	--4--	HUMOR	--2--
BLOOD/GORE	--2--	NUDITY	--3--
ORIGINALITY	--4--	DIRECTING	--4--

OVERALL RATING

--4--

Schoolgirl Hitchhikers (1973)

2011-01-06T17:09:00.052-06:00

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

While I’m always looking for new ways to inspire and entertain my Side Show viewers, I tend to get tired and complacent in writing about movies that are easily forgotten. But, I like doing it, and for your sake, I'm constantly trying to re-invent my style in order to help prevent staleness and redundancy. So, starting with this review, I’ll try a WTF list, which I borrowed from fellow blogger-in-crime, The Jaded Viewer.

Schoolgirl Hitchhikers is about BFF’s Jackie (the blonde) and Monica (the brunette) who do everything together, including inviting themselves into an abandoned house, and then sleeping in their bed (Goldilocks style). After fooling around with Jackie (and eating her porridge), Monica grabs a smoke on the balcony, only to find that the lights are on downstairs, and neither of them had left the room. So, she investigates, and finds that petty thief Pete also inhabits the dwelling. So, what's a woman to do, but turn on her seductive gaze and get laid? Jackie wakes up, goes downstairs, and joins the festivities too, little nudging needed.

The next morning, the girls wave au revoir, and now enters the angry dominatrix chick and her goon, looking for Pete’s jewels (ha ha, no, not those). The girls are gone, the jewels are gone, and so the hunt is on. They're tracked down, chloroformed, and taken back to the house. Jackie is tied up, stripped, and whipped, but knows nothing, while Monica is in the other room seducing the goon so she can make a break for it. In what I though would be another drawn out scene of fornication, abruptly ended with a vase-to-the-head bashing. So, she finds a private investigator (and his pigtailed partner), gives them the low-down, and they head back to the house, only to find it empty (signified by an uncalled for baboon howl). WTF? This gives a great segue into the WTF/random thoughts portion of the review:

-From afar, Pete kinda looks like Tom Savini or Charles Bronson.
-I’d like to see Ms. Pigtails get naked.
-The great shoot out. How many bullets does a six-shot revolver really have? More than that--obviously!
-Monica’s shirt just came off, yet again, and she’s being beaten by the dominatrix.
-Monica and Pete go at it again, and the dominatrix is a voyeur…go figure.
-All the chicks get a wardrobe change.
-Yes! Pete whips out the belt and makes Ms. Pigtails get undressed. Damn, what a disappointment.
-The jewels are still missing…who’s that pulling into the driveway?
-Monica uses her seductive ways yet again, and it has the power to unearth precious stones.
-Pete is a fraud, the gems are fake.
-Magnum P.I. and Ms. Piggy save Pete from the vengeful dominitrix.
-Reunited once again, Monica and Jackie kiss, and then go frolicking off into the woods.

Simply put, Monica is a nympho, a tease, and will get naked with anyone. The first 30 minutes are pretty much nothing but sex. First, Monica with Jackie, then Monica with Pete, and then Monica and Jackie with Pete. While there are a few brief moments of eroticism, the sex scenes are laughable, and way too long, and when Monica goes nuts in a climactic fury while Jackie is kissing/licking on her belly, it’s absolutely ridiculous. This is not one of Jean’s best works, and perhaps he was just coming off of one of his porno stints. It’s almost as if he had been watching British comedies too, because that's about the humor level portrayed, and one I'm not a fan of.

The big question is, what happened to Jean’s token orgasmic backdrops and supernaturally overtoned storylines? Schoolgirl Hitchhikers was released in between two of his more known releases, Nude Vampire and Lips of Blood, and done under one of his aliases, Michel Gentil (taken from his full name, Jean Michel Rollin Le Gentil). This film may have been an embarrassment for him, or just a money making project, since he didn’t even tack on his real name to it, then again, maybe he didn’t deem it worthy of the Rollin stamp because he didn’t write it. I can only speculate, but unless you’re an unrelenting fan, and feel your life would not be complete without owning every feature of his, I’d pass on it, and re-visit some of his better known works. Sadly, the maestro’s life was taken from us on December 15th, so R.I.P. Jean Rollin (1938-2010), you will be missed. I really hope someone releases his most recent film, Le masque de la Méduse (Mask of Medusa). And, for the 2-0-1-1, I hope to bring a refreshing breath of air to the Side Show Review for the new decade!! Stalls and Smokeskrene, you with me?

A side note: The coverart for Schoolgirl Hitchhikers on Amazon is a little deceptive, since neither of the chicks pictured on the cover are in the film. This looks like a marketing ploy used to drive in a new audience of viewers, but the actual artwork is seen at the end of the trailer above.

ACTING	--2--	HUMOR	--2--
BLOOD/GORE	--1--	NUDITY	--3--
ROLLIN-ESQUE	--1--	# OF SCHOOLGIRLS	--0--

OVERALL RATING

--2--

Porno (2010)

2010-12-30T13:16:00.021-06:00

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

Porno, released by Synapse Films, is a three part compilation of erotic stories continuing their Classic Latin Erotica Collection series, along with Violence and Flesh and Chick's Ability. Unfortunatley, there isn’t a lot of substance to this entry, but a few lines noting the highlights may peak your interest.

Part 1: This is probably the most erotic of the three, and is about a virgin girl who fancies other females, only to be deceived by a non-virgin. After a successful seduction and sexual interlude, she believes she’s about to pop another virgin’s cherry with her mom’s vibrator, but disappointingly finds out that her seductee’s hymen has already been claimed by someone else (a male).

Part 2: A thick, Latina chick wants to have no-questions asked sex with her male cohort, but to her surprise, she's unable to get a rise out of him because he's waiting until the right moment. What??? That's normally a chick move, but after a shower (shower curtain left open of course), and a wardrobe change (into a nun outfit), they get down. Just to make it clear, it's her wearing the nun outifit, but had it been the other way around, it could have put an interesting spin on the story.

Part 3: It’s easy to sum up this entry with: a blind woman, mirrors, a maid onlooker, a jealous lover, and Bugsploitation. Along with sex, this is the horror-themed story of the bunch, where broken shards of glass further blind our supposedly already blind lead actress, and her revenge on her lover, Marcos. While there isn’t much eroticity to this, and the horror element is laughable, the memorable moments are when the old maid watches them having sex in disgust, yet continues to watch, and when Marcos spices up the bedroom with bug play. The result? Once you go grasshopper, you never go back.

While there are some decent looking Latinas, male and female full-frontal, (yes, your lady gets a treat too!), and several scenes of simulated sex, this is a fairly forgettable and dated feature. So, I say, stick with the Schoolgirl Report series (Volume 7 just released), also available from Synapse/Impulse Films. Sure, the Spanish language may be more sexually pleasing to the ear, but the Germans know how to put it down. Nazisploitation and Ilsa She Wolf of the SS anyone? Oh yeah!!

ACTING	--2--	HUMOR	--1--
BLOOD/GORE	--1--	NUDITY	--3--
CHUBB-ERIFIC	--2--	HEY MACARENA	--5--

OVERALL RATING

--2--

Slave (2009)

2010-12-16T22:21:00.040-06:00

Opening with a dead chick lying topless on the beach, Slave starts off with a bang, and builds anticipation of what's to happen next. While there are moments of perversion and boobage, the end result is rather blah, and we're left with a void from what the opening scene created. Essentially, this film is about a man’s attempt to start a committed life of marriage, but it gets overshadowed by his childhood baggage (a broken home and absent, reckless father), and the trip that would not soon be forgotten.

Before tying the knot, David and Georgie decide to visit his now wealthy dad in order to make it official. But, instead of being there with open arms, he isn’t home, so they get taxied around by his personal chauffeur, and decide to hit the town. At a club, Georgie decides to better their chance of getting in by name dropping (This is the son of ...), in which they get preferential treatment from the manager, are immediately seated, slipped some complementary pills to help set the night's mood, and are bid a happy evening. This is where the downward spiral begins…

While his woman is sweating the night away on the dance floor, he makes a b-line for the pisser, but upon return, she’s gone, and everyone plays dumb as to where she’s at, or that she even existed. Was she was kidnapped? Did she fancy another dude and leave with him? Did she melt into a puddle like Frosty? It’s time to shake some people down and try to find out what happened. But, doesn’t this always happen to newcomers in a foreign land? Hello? Hostel anyone?

Indeed, she has been kidnapped, and by a psychotic Russian dude who preaches Muslim gibberish. Lucky her, she was chosen to be a part of his doped up harem of love slaves (and sacrificial lambs). And, is it any surprise that daddy dearest is involved in this whole thing? So, with the help of a friend, well, fellow victim because of his sister's kidnapping, David and company travel to the yacht where Georgie and sis are being held. Once aboard, they bust in like Scarface (Say hello to my lil friend!) and blast everything in sight.

Not so much like this...
...but more like this.
The end result is:

1) Lots of dead people.

2) David thinks he sees his dad boning Georgie, so he tries to shoot him, but the gun is empty, so he gets his ass kicked by his dad, but he musters up the strength to return a mega ass-whoopin, possibly killing him. (In reality, pops was trying to get her coherent enough to help her escape, but from David's point of view through a partially closed door, it looked like dad was roadhousing her.)

3) David's friend shoots the Russian, who in turn slices his sister’s throat, so he then blows off his own head for causing her death.

4) In the end, Georgie decides to leave David, after seeing a side of him she never knew existed. (I guess bludgeoning poor pops into a meat sandwich doesn't fall under For Better or For Worse.)

Slave isn't a horrible movie, but is quite misleading with a cover that should have been used for a torture porn/slave trade flick, rather than a drama. Sure, there’s several boob shots, lesbo sex, blood, and a bit of depravity, but this is clearly a drama, much to the likes of the movie Taken, just not as eloquently done. While the marketing team at Phase 4 Films may get an applaud for an interesting cover, I think the international release more fairly respresents it.

This movie wasn’t a total waste of time, so I say rent it, unless you can pick it up for under 10 bucks (and that includes shipping). Instead, I recommend you buy The Disappearance of Alice Creed. Sure, it has flaws, but offers more substance, some quirky, yet unintentional humor, and Alice roped to a bed in the buff. AND, the artwork doesn’t steer you wrong, other than maybe downplaying the actual contents.

ACTING	--3--	HUMOR	--1--
BLOOD/GORE	--2--	NUDITY	--3--
SCARFACE INFLUENCED	--4--	DAVID’S LUCK	--1--

SLAVE'S OVERALL RATING

--2.5--

Scandalous Gilda (1985) and Tanya Roberts flicks

2010-12-10T01:26:00.040-06:00

So, after a fairly crappy night's sleep, I got up at 9am and started watching movies. Since I recently bought a few for a friend, I thought I'd sneak in a preview before passing them on and collecting my dough. Geez, it seems like forever since I posted anything, but work has take it’s toll (and keeps taking), plus I haven’t really had any inspiration. So, I thought, let’s ride this pony again and see where it takes us.

First up was Scandalous Gilda, the debut release from the new indie company One 7 Movies. It was okay, and had several boob and bush scenes, problem is, neither of the females were very pretty, but luckily, were blessed with bodies to drool for (*wipes mouth*). While this movie plays out like a familiar Italian love/hate story, there was a bit more quirkiness. See, the lead actress (Monica Guerritore) hooks up with a guy who just so happens to be a cartoonist, so embedded in a mediocre story of revenge through sexual gluttony, is a cleverly placed animated featurette, where a community of male genitalia celebrate the arrival of Scandalous Gilda. Although it lasted maybe only two minutes, it was the major takeaway from the film for me, AND, it's not everyday you get to see cartooned ding-dongs (which make me laugh).

Another familiar face is Gabriele Lavia, better known for her role in Dario Argento’s Deep Red, but will steal your attention during the opening scene. I applaud One 7 for the great transfer, and even with an incomplete English audio track, it dances circles around most Mya Communications releases. The biggest downfall, however (much like Mya), is that no special features are offered. But hey, it’s their first venture, so I'll cut em a little slack, in hopes that things will only get better with their release of Sins of Madam Bovary and Chinese Kamasutra in January.

I suggest you give Scandalous Gilda a chance, and help support this budding new company in a time where others are shuttering or consolidating (bye bye Code Red in 2011). It’s trying times, so if you want to continue to see unreleased Eurocinema, screw relying on Netflix to stream it, just buy the damn thing. Hell, you can always resell it if you hate it, and you'll sleep well at night knowing you just contributed to a worthy campaign. Besides, can you really go wrong with Edwige Fenech and Joe D’Amato? Don’t front, open your wallet today! For a more in-depth review of Scandalous Gilda, visit Cinesploitation.

My second feature of the day was Inner Sanctum with Tanya Roberts, and it was presented in it's true early 90's VHS glory, although it was on DVD (an Asian import). The picture was a little muddy (VHS quality upverting from my Blu Ray player), and Tanya’s accent and dialog were ridiculous. But hey, it is what it is, and Tanya pops the twins out several times, which is really the matter of importance. Our bodacious vixen's best line is: “I hate to upset your apricot, but I don’t like being taken for a chump.” Diehard fans of Ms. Roberts should enjoy it, otherwise save your money and buy a ridiculously expensive copy of Beastmaster (now out-of-print).

Release the beasts!
I also watched another Tanya flick called Purgatory, which is a sad attempt at a women in prison feature, and I really don't remember a damn thing about it (aside for the boobies). Then again, these features are highly forgettable anyway, and I was writing this post while watching it. Again, you’ll see Tanya in all her naked glory, but you’ll have to have a region-free DVD player in order to view it, as it has yet to be released in the states. The DVD will cost you $20 or more, whereas the VHS is about 5 bucks plus shipping, so rejuvenate that old top loader!

It wasn’t the most productive or compelling day of movie watching I've had, but dang it, I got three watched, AND a post up, so I feel pretty accomplished. The holidays (which started in September) have been brutal, so thanks for bearing with me. I have an assload of movies to watch, and while most would be overwhelmed by the plethora, I'm an ass-kickin mo fo like Charles Bronson, so I can't be faded. Stay tuned for more reviewing/bashing, and thanks for reading!

Dude, the stache alone says Back the Fuck Up!

Cheap Horror Blu Rays at Best Buy

2010-10-15T12:55:00.007-05:00

I’m not sure how long the sale goes on, but BestBuy.com has some sweet deals on horror Blu Rays, including Adam Green’s Hatchet, Spiral, and his latest, Frozen. These are ones I haven’t seen in under $10 bins elsewhere, and are great additions to any hi-def horror fan’s collection.

For a mere $9.99:
Amityville Horror (original)
Carrie
Children of the Corn (original)
Craft
Dead Snow
Dawn of the Dead (Romero)
Evil Dead
Halloween (John Carpenter)
Halloween (Rob Zombie)
Hostel
House of the Devil
and for $12.99, Let the Right One In

Sure, you may pick up others on impulse, like the Resident Evils, Underworlds, or even There’s Something About Mary, but for ten worn out Washingtons, you really can’t go wrong. Keep in mind, the prices in-store may not reflect what you saw online, but just ask, and you can score the same deals. So, start building your list, check your local store for inventory (or be lazy and stay home), and have an even happier Halloween this year. Remember, horror movies make great Christmas gifts too. :)

Defiled (2010)

2010-10-07T13:11:00.026-05:00

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

I picked up this movie at the Cinema Wasteland movie convention this last weekend. As I browsed the Alternative Cinema table, it caught my eye (I’d seen an advertisement for it prior to this), so I snagged it up, along with Diary of a Sex Offender, for a mere 30 bucks. Sure, I knew it was a low budget flick, and I might get burnt, but rather than sit and wonder all weekend, or go home with regret, I took the plunge, as I often do, not only to indulge in my sick curiosities, but to educate my trusty Sideshow followers (thanks Heather and Paul).

The basis is that Cassidy wants to fulfill a rape fantasy, so she invites (via the internet) anyone willing to carry out her request. All they need to do is show up after midnight, and leave afterwards (ain't no cuddlin going on here). But, the rapist doesn’t make tracks after doing the deed, but stays to kill her best friend, then torment and torture Cassidy, and anyone else that comes around. We find out later that Cassidy’s wild fantasies stem from an incident when she was 12, where she was molested by her father’s drunk friend. The rest plays out like a cat and mouse, rape-revenge style of movie.

So, what makes this movie any different than all the other “I can make a movie cause I got a camera” rubble out there? To be honest, not much, as it does have some gore and boobies, and a few funny lines, but the rest is plagued with mundane dialog and storyline, as well as a dark picture and questionable audio, especially during the money shots. And, as a general rule of horror movies, the killer should never take off his/her mask, that is, unless they’re grotesque (to shock and awe), or create the Whodunit?/Scooby-Doo ending.

There’s not really much else to say about this other than it’s only a must-watch if you’re an extreme fan of these types of movies, or a sucker like me. Did I get burnt? Yeah. Do I regret buying it? No. The great thing about taking a chance on movies like this is that you can re-sell it if you don’t like it, and there’s always others just as curious as you are. Recouping all you spent is rare, but getting something back is always a plus. And, I'm not sure who the lady on the cover is, but it's not Amanda Myers, the chick who played Cassidy. Damn marketing people.

For me, the most memorable quote is: “Ya know, I hope someone really fucking rapes you one day, see how you fucking like it.”
This brought a chuckle, even though there's nothing funny about rape, but this was said after Cassidy and her partner for the night were trying to play out her rough sex/rape fantasy, and he failed to deliver. I guess you have to see the scene to really get it.

This should be played as double bill with Diary of a Sex Offender, or Forgive Me for Raping You, Bill Zebub’s directorial debut for a movie her didn’t write. When watching these movies, make sure there’s lots of alcohol, and a house full of ignorant, testosterone-driven dudes, as they're sure to yell obscenities at the screen, say things that are highly-inappropriate, and cheer at every sight of womanly flesh the camera has to offer. But, really, this is the only way to watch these, as your perversion will be embraced, rather than feeling like a troll in your own home. Dang, I just told on myself.

ACTING	--2--	HUMOR	--1--
BLOOD/GORE	--2--	NUDITY	--2--
CINEMATOGRAPHY	--1--	CREATIVITY	--1--

OVERALL RATING

--2--

Antichrist (2009)

2010-09-24T14:36:00.026-05:00

Antichrist is an odd movie, and many people have turned up their noses in distaste and deemed it absolute garbage. Some have walked out of screenings, but me, I come with the mindset, the weirder the better, and even though this title has been on my radar for well over a year, I just kept putting it off. I don’t know why, maybe I feared it’s excellence would change life’s perspective, or it would overtake The Exorcist as the greatest movie ever made. Even when my buddy, Paul, insisted I watch and review it several months ago, I didn’t take the time, even when I could have streamed it on Netflix. So, it wasn’t until I bought an import copy for about ten bucks on e-bay a few weeks ago, that I decided to give it a whirl. The opening premise is tragic, yet simple: While mommy and daddy are making babies, their real baby (who’s not supposed to be up and scurrying about) falls from a window to his death. And so, the following story unfolds…

(Although I’d like to take credit for insightful viewing and breaking this movie into “chapter selections,” this is actually how it was done, so boo on me.)

Chapter One: Grief: It’s pretty much Defoe psychoanalyzing his wife as they journey through the woods to find solace after the tragic event. See, he’s a therapist, and has taken it upon himself to help her. Here’s where they set up the pyramid of fear (Fearamid? Yeah, I just made it up), where once you reach the top, you’ve overcome it. In this case, the woods (Eden) is the first step to conquer before facing the unknown.

Chapter Two: Chaos Reigns: I really didn’t take much away from this other than more psychoanalysis, a bit more dementia and resentment, and a talking/self-mutilating fox, which made me think of The Fantastic Mr. Fox (I don’t know why, that’s just how my mind works), minus one George Clooney voiceover.

Chapter Three: Despair: This is where the story took an odd, yet interesting turn, and where the true horror elements and dementia came into play. Kind of like the tension in the sledgehammer scene from Misery, but here, Defoe’s wife drills a hole through his leg (with a hand-turn drill), then wrenches a wheel grinder onto it, so he can’t leave. But, that’s after she knocks him out, and jerks him off until he ejaculates blood. **me scratching head (no pun intended)** Yeah, watching it unfold is just as confusing as you trying to comprehend what I’m telling you, but that’s what happened. When he awakens, he tries to seek refuge in an animal’s den, but is found by his Kathy Bates-esque wife, shovel-shanked the crap out of, and taken back to the house.

Chapter Four: The Three Beggars: AKA Say goodbye to the clitoris. What I gather from this scene is that because her son died while she was having sex/getting off, she’s been unable to fulfill her sexual urges since, so she cuts off her clitoris with a pair of scissors, so the feeling will subside. I could be way off, but that’s the best I got. So, Defoe finds the wrench, takes the wheel off, strangles his wife, and then burns the body...all in a hard day's work.

Epilogue: The last scene, which can be interpreted many ways, is Defoe standing on a hill, as many women appear and climb to the top. My best guess on this (which is probably wrong) is that the wife has been relieved of her self-torment, thus conquering the fear of self (“Me”), the unknown at the top of the pyramid.

Sure, I was left dumbfounded, and even after a second watch, still quite confused. It’s very atmospheric, has surreal imagery, and is very thought provoking, maybe even moreso than my little nugget can handle/comprehend. And, much like an Alejandro Jodorowsky film, I’m sure some of the scenes will pop into my head when I least expect it. But, I must let it meander amongst the other demented thoughts up there, before I can conclude whether it’s sheer greatness, absolute crap, or merely just a Yeah, I saw it, and might revisit again on a cold/rainy day.

This title was picked up by Criterion and will be released on November 9th. Now, just because they put their stamp on a movie, doesn’t make it the end all, be all, but alongside Salo: 120 Days of Sodom and Videodrome, it fits perfectly. If you like oddball movies such as Holy Mountain, El Topo, Subconscious Cruelty, Begotten, or some early Lynchian shit, I urge you to give this a gander. There’s even some nakedness and penetration to satisfy the more perverse viewers, but be aware, it’s more arthousy than pornographic. And, where else can you see the Green Goblin having lots of sex, and being put in compromising positions without Spiderman present?
Buy it now on Blu Ray at Amazon.com!!

ACTING	--3--	HUMOR	--0--
BLOOD/GORE	--3--	NUDITY	--4--
CINEMATOGRAPHY	--4--	GUARANTEED TO CONFUSE	--5--

OVERALL RATING

--3--

Not just another black t-shirt in the closet

2010-08-25T11:27:00.006-05:00

While Fright-Rags and Rotten Cotton may be the premiere horror t-shirt sites these days, I’m always looking for less traveled ones who offer something, well, less mainstream, and ones I won’t see on others at horror conventions.

I just received my 2nd shirt from up and comer, Creepy Tees, and I must say, it looks as good as the advertisement. Granted, I’ve never seen The Mutilator (which is in DVD purgatory with Code Red), but do own a bootleg copy, and really need to watch it soon. I can’t wear a shirt that I haven’t seen the movie, right? Well, it’s a damn sweet one none the less.

My other score, thanks to the blog Z For Zombies, which I frequent, is a more lively take on Lucio Fulci’s Zombie. I’ve seen a lot of Fulci shirts, but it wasn’t until I saw this one, that my wallet jumped out of my pocket and demanded I put my money down. So, head over to Joel Robinson's site and check out his stuff.

And, if you know of other sites that offer cool-ass horror related shirts, please let me know, and thanks to Z For Zombies, Creepy Tees, and Joel Robinson for helping me add these treasures to my collection. Expect to see me proudly wearing these soon, and especially at the Cinema Wasteland convention in October. I publically claimed them first, so if you were planning on wearing them to the convention too, please pick something else. :)

Someone's Knocking At Your Door (2009)

2010-07-14T11:55:00.015-05:00

What do you do when you’ve just taken a hit of the good shit, and then hear a knock on your door, only to be greeted by a butt naked chick that you’re not sure if you’ve met before? In this case, you get sodomized by a dude that looks like he just walked off the set of The Hanger. This is the fate of a med student, Ray, and the opening scene in Somebody’s Knocking At Your Door.

What better way to mourn the death of a friend than to have a party, right? As Justin wakes from his Xanax stupor, he sees everyone sexing and boozing it up, but rather than grab a beer and join the party, he’s troubled and wants to talk about it. So, he shares that he just saw Ray lying dead in the morgue, but they pawned it off as a drug-induced side effect, and continue to live it up. The next scene we see Ray’s cold body on the slab, where the autopsy shows that his tongue was bitten off, he was penetrated by a 15 inch phallus, and he has deep scratches on his back. Dang, does Freddy Kreuger swing both ways now, or is this just another entry in the Death Factory series?

So, the police interrogate them, and as it turns out, the last time they saw Ray was when they were doing drugs and listening to the psychiatric evaluations of well-known killers, John and Wilma Hopper. (As if the drugs wouldn’t make you paranoid enough… ) And so, one by one they start getting plinked off by the naked and perverse killers, which included several ding-dong scenes, yes, the infamous 15 inches is unleashed, and what I like to call the head-first birth re-enactment (in reverse).

While all of this is supposed to be for shock and awe, and maybe a giggle or two, I have to ask, What's the recent rage with showing dicks? Now, I have nothing against films with male nudity, unless it's gay porn, but showing dicks just for the sake of showing them is a bit ridiculous. Sure, the dick gag can be humorous, when done at the right time, and when meant to be funny (kinda like the fart/poop gag), but not as a means to carry the storyline. (Hmm, maybe that's why I didn't care much for Bad Biology either.) Has male genitalia been taboo for so long that we must exploit it every chance we get now? Maybe it’s just the type of movies I watch (horror/exploitation/weird shit), but the one-eyed snake is becoming more and more mainstream, and that’s not necessarily a good thing, not even for the female viewer.

Come to find out, it was all a dream/hallucination while Justin was under the influence, and while movies like Trainspotting have done it better, not all is lost with SKAYD, as there is nudity and blood/gore, but it’s not for every viewer (including this one). I like over-the-top movies (Header/Sick Girl), and often recommend them to off-beat viewers like myself, but too many dicks in one place, usually means that either egos will swell and a fight will break out, or other things may swell and I’m in the wrong place. So, if you actually liked Bad Biology, or even Watch Out (also from Breaking Glass Pictures), you might like this one, otherwise explore the world of deadly female anatomy, like Teeth or Sexual Parasite, both of which will make you grab your package and hang on for dear life.

On a side note: I noticed familiar faces from Easter Bunny, Kill!, Kill!, the black dude now plays a stuttering druggie named Joe (aka Spaz), Remy plays a detective, and Ray (the pedophile) plays an officer, and has an offbeat black phallic joke while in the morgue. All of these guys have talent, and while I didn’t really care to see a fat guy covered in blood running cock-eyed (ha ha, literally) because he’s lugging around a king king dong, something tells me we’ll see these guys again in more Breaking Glass/Vicious Films.

ACTING	--3--	HUMOR	--2--
BLOOD/GORE	--3--	(MALE) NUDITY	--4--
CINEMATOGRAPHY	--3--	ORIGINALITY	--3--

OVERALL RATING

--2--

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

Red Monks (I Frati Rossi) (1988)

2010-06-04T14:15:00.009-05:00

What better way to break out of a viewing slump that to watch a Fulci film, but rather than take the mainstream path and re-watch Zombie, The Beyond, or City of the Living Dead (recently released on Blu Ray, woo hoo!), I chose a lesser known title, Red Monks. While Fulci didn’t direct this, he’s credited as a producer, and with his name plastered all over the artwork, for sake of argument, we’ll call it a Fulci film, until proven otherwise. This has yet to be released as a Region 1, so I popped my PAL version (which I had yet to watch) in my trusty-dusty multi-region Daewoo, but it didn’t play. I’m like, Dammit, I need Fucli, and NOW!, so luckily I had a back-up, a Philips, and it fulfilled my need.

Make no mistake, the opening sequences scream “Italian film” with the fabulous scenery and atmosphere, but is it Fulci’s? A guy recently inherited some land and a castle from his parents, which he plans on turning into a hotel. As he roams the property, he sees and follows a naked chick, only to have his head lopped off with a sword while he gawks at her naked behind.

50 years earlier, a husband brings home his new wife to the castle, but rather than immediately bedding her, he runs downstairs to tell The Red Monks the news, and finds out that they want his beau as a virgin sacrifice. He kind of shrugs it off, and rather than laying the pipe and exempting her from her fate, he decides to screw the maid. Nearly alone in a big house, what’s a wife to do but explore, and that she does, stumbling upon the Monks, and fainting in fear. Was it a dream or reality? Only time will tell, but it’s apparent that something isn’t right, as she’s ravaged by some guy while painting in the field, she finds a severed head in the picnic basket, her husband is a distant relative of someone who killed the Red Monks leader, and she gets possessed by “the curse,” and then beheads her husband, thus fulfilling the prophecy.

So, is it a Fulci film, you ask? I have a hard time believing it is with the fake tarantulas, lack of gore, off-screen kills, and somewhat incoherent story, then again, we’d be talking about late 80’s Fulci, which is a far cry from Lucio in his prime. I don’t doubt that he had some hand in it, either overseeing or contributing, but it looks like whatever involvement he did have, he walked away washing his hands of it, because if he truly was invested, he would have taken over the set and it would be a much darker and gorier film. Sure, most of his movies in his later years sucked, but I still have a fondness for House of Clocks and Demonia.

And, when you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, you have to titillate with nudity, so 4 sets of boobs and a couple of butts are thrown in for good measure. I kept hoping this would play out like an Eyes Wide Shut sort of film, even though this was done 11 years earlier, but aside from hoods and hoo-hoos, it was nothing like it. Still, the marketing team did a great job of sucking me in with the trailer, cover, and Fulci references, but the likelihood of giving it another watch is unlikely, as it took me nearly 3 years to get to it anyway. This is one time I’ll have to say stick to what you know, and pop in a Fulci classic instead. If you must venture out, just expect to be less than dazzled, but pick up a copy of Paura-Lucio Fucli Remembered Vol. 1 and get first-hand accounts of the maestro at his best.

Warning: This trailer contains nudity!!
Buy Paura-Fulci Remembered now at Amazon.com!!

ACTING	--2--	HUMOR	--1--
BLOOD/GORE	--1--	NUDITY	--3--
SETTINGS	--3--	FULCI APPROVED	--1--

OVERALL RATING

--2--

Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! (2006)

2010-06-02T12:46:00.016-05:00

Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! has been on my radar for over a year, and although I was unable to acquire a screener back then, maybe because we weren’t a big enough blog yet (Sideshow Review who?), I recently got one from a friend, and was happy to see that Vicious Circle Films, who also brought us Hanger and Run Bitch Run, picked it up for release. Now, if EBKK has even half the WTF moments that the other two do, then it’ll be time well spent.

As you know, many holidays have had horror musings, and Easter’s not exempt from that, with such films as Kottentail and Peter Rottentail. But, this movie centers around a mentally challenged black kid named Nicholas (kid said very loosely since the guy was 19 during filming), who loves Easter and is given a bunny (believed to be the Easter Bunny) by a hobo passing by on the street. His mom is dating a guy named Remington, who recently robbed a convenience store wearing a bunny mask, and decides to put it back on to surprise Nick when he shows up at the house. But, Remy's only half the man he plays out to be, and immediately establishes his dominance by firing the maintenance man (Jorge), verbally abusing Nick when mom's not around, and allowing his pedophile friend to stay over while he enjoys a night on the town.

But, someone in a bunny mask starts killing everyone. Has the Easter Bunny taken human form and gone mad? Is Nicholas merely acting on his pent-up anger? No, it’s mommy dearest who does all the bloodletting, and will do anything to protect her little boy. The creepy friend meets death by drill, Jorge’s friend takes a hammer and flashlight to the dome, Jorge is ripped apart by a skill saw, Stripper #1 is gagged with a broom stick, Stripper #2 is suffocated, and Remy gets gashed in the throat, only to hear how much of a disappointment he is during his last breaths. The final twist, although not too surprising, is that the hobo is Nick’s father (thought to be dead), who has come back to rekindle and reclaim his family, no matter how f-ed up they are.

Starting with the title alone, I really wanted to love this movie and laugh at it’s jokes, but couldn’t, and I’m not really sure why. I like crude humor, but my viewing has gotten rather finicky over the last few years, and maybe even moreso the past few months. Sometimes the simplest things satisfy me, like fart and poop jokes, while other times, I sit in pure boredom, and it’s like juicing a turnip to get a rise out of me. I can’t really pin down what the problem is, maybe I’ve seen too many movies (geez, is that possible?), maybe I feel like it’s all been done and there’s nothing new, or maybe I need to change genres for a while. I really don’t know, but I have to figure it out, as I’m in desperate need of viewing satisfaction (have you noticed that my reviews lean heavily on negativity?), and want to be reassured that creativity still exists. Sure, I’m aware that this problem may be all me, but I can’t discount that some of the simplest films still satisfy me, like Stripes or Porky’s or The Exorcist, so there is hope.

After seeing several films from Vicious Circle, I can see how this fits into their slate, as it has a sort of exploitive grittiness, which we've come to expect from their titles. At first, I was disappointed with Hanger, but as it continues to linger in my head, I've grown to appreciate it, and I put Run Bitch Run as my #1 pick for 2009, even though I never did a review for it and need to watch it again. Sympathy had potential, but failed, and I have a screener copy of Temptation, which I’ll try to get watched before it streets in late June. Not all is lost with Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill!, but I feel it would be best viewed late at night as a double bill with Black Devil Doll or Gutterballs, and with plenty of friends and lots of alcohol.

While it’s currently a mixed bag with VCF, I haven’t given up on them, but can only hope that they offer something in the near future to break me out of my slump. Until then, I highly recommend Spirit Camp and Texas Frightmare Massacre, both of which I recently viewed at Texas Frightmare Weekend in Dallas, and both were more than satisfying.

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

ACTING	--2--	HUMOR	--1--
BLOOD/GORE	--3--	NUDITY	--1--
ORIGINALITY	--2--	EGG-CELLENT	--1--

OVERALL RATING

--2--

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

2010-05-08T22:21:00.001-05:00

So Michael Bay and his boys over at Platinum Dunes have decided that they need to take another iconic horror franchise and give it the reboot treatment. And if you really think about it, he seems to be the man for the job. Everyone seemed to love his redo of Texas Chainsaw Massacre (I freaking hated it though) and then there was the whole Friday the 13th (I re-watched it and it’s not as good the second time around) so why wouldn’t they take a shot at Nightmare on Elm Street? Unfortunately, they don’t do a very good job with it.

Lets start with the children. In the old Nightmare, the kids feel like a group you could relate to, they’re mostly honest kids dealing with crap. The new kids though, for some reason I can’t grasp, feel like they’re all going to break down and cry the entire time. The main female Nancy, played by Rooney Mara, is an artistic girl that just doesn’t fit in with anyone else in high school. She thusly spends a lot of time in her room, drawing up dark, edgy pictures of scary faces. In short, she makes me want to vomit. The whole movie I was just waiting for her to pull out a razor blade and go to town on her wrists in some excuse to deal with the world. The male lead isn’t much better I’m afraid. Quentin, played by Kyle Gallner, is the whiniest horror character I’ve seen in a long time, and maybe ever. He seems like all it’s going to take is one little thing to push him over the edge and he’ll break down and cry about how horrible the world is. The supporting characters aren’t too bad, granted you never see them for too long at once, unless they’re about to get killed. In all, the characters are lacking.

But in all honesty, the star of the show is Freddy, and I must admit that for the most part I was happy with the way Jackie Earle Haley played the character, but there were some parts that just brought him down. His make-up is very odd, something about it just doesn’t look right, and I couldn’t figure out what it was until one of my friends said something about it. He described it as some kind of Freddy Krueger and Alien love child, and the longer I think about it, he’s pretty damn close. The way he played the character also created some issues for me. The whole time the company was promoting the film, all I seemed to hear was about how this was going to make Nightmare on Elm Street serious again, and how they were going to move away from the campy horror of the old ones. They had me sold through most of the story until almost the very end. There is a part where Freddy is chasing Nancy through dream world. She turns a corner and attempts to run down a hallway, but because she’s in dream world, the hallway flood turns to liquid and she starts to sink. As she’s swimming away Freddy rounds the corner, looks at her and says, “Now that’s what I call a wet dream”……I’m sorry, can someone else please explain to me where/how that fits the whole “serious” aspect they were trying to cash in on?

Quick side note, I don’t know why everyone seems to be in love with the fact that they give you back story in the remake, because they give you the exact same story in the original. On my DVD it’s chapter 17 in the select a scene and it’s entitled “Mommy killed him”. Talks about how he was a child killer and they trapped him in a boiler room and set the place on fire, so it’s not like this back story is anything new to the series.

Now then, speaking of the back story of Freddy, this is another thing that the movie screws up. In the original we find out Freddy is a child killer, and that the parents wanted to get revenge on him. It’s not that he killed any of their children, just the fact he killed little kids. In the new one, they make him a child molester, and he knew all these kids back when they were 4 or so. But when the parents find out about what he does, they track him down and set him on fire, and then separate all the kids so they forget about Freddy. I guess the thing that pisses me off is the fact it seems like everyone was sitting in on a meeting for the movie and said “hey we have this original story that people know….but fuck it, let’s try to do something different.” The parents in the new film really don’t have any reason to set him on fire either. In the original it’s justified because Freddy get’s out of prison because someone signs the search warrant wrong, so the parents hunt him down. In the new one though, they basically admit that they never go to the police, never tell any authority, they just hunt him down and murder him because they can. There is a point where Quentin asks his dad if there is any evidence, and his dad just looks at him, but never answers the question. This led me to believe for about another 45 minutes of movie that they killed him in cold blood. Look I don’t have kids, and I’m not saying that child molesters are awesome people, but to just run out and set someone on fire on the assumption that he did something seems a little out there.

The killings are decent, but nothing to really write home about. Some of them follow the original, and some of them are new. If you’re looking forward to seeing how they do the killing of Johnny Depp’s character, the whole getting sucked into a bed and then shot back out as a bloody mess, sorry but they don’t do it. Yes you read that correctly. They. Don’t. Do. It. Honestly this was probably the biggest letdown of the entire movie for me. I was really excited to see how CGI was going to make this the best part of the film and then it didn’t happen.

No nudity. The most you get a girl in short-shorts and a tight t-shirt running around, but that’s really about it. You do get Nancy in the bathtub, but just like in the original they don’t show you anything. Damn right?

The last thing I’m going to talk about in this monster of a post is how the title is completely wrong. You see I imagine that with a title like A Nightmare on Elm Street, I’m going to see characters that are on Elm Street get harassed all the time. Really though they stay on Elm Street for about 15 minutes of the entire movie, and then they run all over town. The funny thing is, it’s the girl that doesn’t even live on Elm in the original that gets killed on Elm in the new one.

Well it looks like I’m back and I had a lot to say. Here quick I’m planning to get a review up for a movie called Spirit Camp that I caught about a week ago, and I plan on putting up a review for a movie that’s absolute crap, but still holds a spot in my heart.

ACTING	--2--	HUMOR	--3--
BLOOD/GORE	--3--	NUDITY	--0--
STORY	--2--	FREDDY	--3--

OVERALL RATING

--2--

Brainwaves (1983)

2010-05-05T14:19:00.022-05:00

If you live in the world of only Region 1 DVDs, then you’re really missing out. I recently purchased multiple region-free players for older friends of mine who have yet to make it into the internet age, and the list of DVDs for me to pick up for them grows by the day. While many of these movies are either out-of-print or have yet to be released here in the states, Europe, Asia, and the UK have them aplenty. So, for under a hundred bucks, you can enjoy better prints of your favorite movies presumed to be lost on DVD format, or if you’re a hi-def high roller, a multi-region blu ray player will only set you back a few hundred, if not less. Quite a small price to pay for boundless entertainment!

As my purchases for them start rolling in, I'm taking time to watch some before passing them to their rightful owners. My first feature, although a Region 1 from Image Ent, but now out-of-print, was Ulli Lommel’s Brainwaves. This thing screams 80’s straight-to-video b-horror in sound, body, and picture quality, but did get some airtime on HBO back in the day. Some of you may be familiar with Ulli’s more recent films: BTK Killer, Diary of a Cannibal, Green River Killer, and Black Dahlia (all available from Lionsgate). Most of these are crap, but offer boobs and violence in place of coherent storytelling. While I liked Green River and BTK, I usually steer far away from anything Lommel does, because I know I'll regret the hour and a half I wasted on subpar cinema (which sadly, I do often), and Brainwaves is no different, as it appears that he has yet to hone his talent, even decades later. Sure, if you’re a fan of bad movies, then Ulli’s your man, but other than boobage, I couldn’t justify another reason why I continued to watch this film.

The premise is simple, another organ transplant gone awry. In this case, a chick gets hit by a car, busts her head on the windshield, and is rushed to the hospital. Unable to come out of a coma, a new procedure is used to help her regain consciousness, the brainwaves of a recently deceased person. But, it’s a murder victim’s brain that is used, so the transplatee has dreams of the grisly death (death by boombox in a bathtub) over and over. Based off her flashbacks, her husband becomes quite the detective and figures out the whole thing, but the killer has come back to finish off even the memory of what he’s done, only to meet his own demise (but possible rebirth as a future organ donor).

This is totally intended to be watched on VHS, and can be picked up on Amazon for under $5 (and that's with shipping). Sadly, the DVD has a MUCH higher ticket, but looks like a VHS transfer, so blow the dust off your VCR if you can't seem to fight the urge to buy it. I’m sure this is one of those titles that sparked curiosity while sitting along side other horror VHS box art, but sadly, it doesn’t even live up to what it suggests. Yet another case of the misleading marketing team winning. Next on my list is Death Spa, which has yet to get an official U.S. DVD release, but the PAL version is rather enticing, even if the movie is straight garbage, as it focuses on only a portion of the original coverart, which is a classic.
The original The Revised PAL

ACTING	--3--	HUMOR	--1--
BLOOD/GORE	--1--	NUDITY	--2--
ULLI GOODNESS	--1--	COVERART	--2--

OVERALL RATING

--2--

Naked Ambition (2009)

2010-04-21T14:58:00.035-05:00

Continuing my examination of the porn industry in documentary form, my latest find is Naked Ambition: An R Rated Look at an X Rated Industry. Basically, Michael Grecco, a photographer, wants to make a coffee table book featuring pictures of porn stars (and other facets of the industry), that grandma wouldn’t shy away from looking at. His goal is to capture the intimacy, without the sluttery, and show that the industry is more than just raunchy bump and grind.

So, his first stop to catch all this glamour and glitz is at the AVN expo in Las Vegas, where anything can happen. Even sex and religion can intermingle, as JC’s Girls (aka Holy Hotties), who preach that a lifestyle change is unnecessary to be one with The Lord, and "There's nothing you have ever done that God would not forgive you for!," sat right next to a table of sex toys.

I’d agree that one can have a healthy sex life and still retain a spiritual well-being (even if it means selling your body and taking it in every orifice), but to see them hand-in-hand in one setting was kind of laughable. Sure, sex can be the most enlightenment one may ever attain, and JC’s Girls were hot (I'm sure causing blasphemy in the name of the Lord in many pervs thoughts), but I doubt we’ll find a religious establishment called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Sluts anytime soon (sounds more like a reformed porno star church group, doesn't it?). Even for Sin City, this seems a little far-fetched, and churches are usually outside boycotting events, not partaking in them. Then again, maybe we're approaching a new day and age.

We get veterans like Tera Patrick, Jenna Jameson, Janine, Randy West, Peter North, and Larry Flynt, to newcomers like Sunny Lane and Joanna Angel (Joanna’s a newcomer? Man, this must have been filmed some time ago), who offer a little insight as to why they got into the industry and why they stay (cause they like sex and money, right?), much like 9 to 5: Days in Porn, but with much less nudity and perversion.

Other than Janine and Ron Jeremy, there wasn’t a single porn star in this doc that I cared to see. I’m not a big fan of Jenna, you’ve heard my thoughts before on Jesse Jane, and Mary Carey looked like shit, with her big ole saggy fake boobs and anorexic body. I prefer her back in her "bigger" days, like in this movie:

It’s a shame what the porn industry, and being famous in general, will do to certain folks. Even Mariah Carey was hotter when she was au naturel and singing about a Vision of Love.

Sadly, I walked away unsatisfied, and it wasn’t because there was a lack of T&A, as you’d expect, but because it was nothing more than a sad plug for the AVN awards, with only a backdrop of this dude’s project. A much better flick of similar nature is Thinking XXX, but most grandmas will have to sit this one out, as too many bare ding dongs in one place might put them in their grave. Also, check out Porn Star-The Legend of Ron Jeremy, it's a true look at The Hedgehog’s lifestyle and will have you rolling.

So, skip this AVN marketing ploy and pick up the others mentioned, I guarantee you'll thank me later. And, just because you have the ability to film a ton of half-naked porn stars in one place, it doesn’t mean it'll be a hit.
Buy it now Amazon.com!!

ACTING	--2--	HUMOR	--1--
BLOOD/GORE	--0--	NUDITY	--2--
SIN CITY APPROVED	--1--	AVN APPROVED	--4--

OVERALL RATING

--2--

Sky Has Fallen (2009)

2010-04-18T10:09:00.014-05:00

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

No, this isn’t a story about Chicken Little, but it does involve a little chick, Rachel, and her ass-kicking new acquaintance, Lance. Seems that a disease has spread and wiped out most of mankind, and what’s left, are some zombies, a few survivors, and the reapers, who attack the weak and experiment on the dead.

Hellbent on revenge for killing his kin, Lance first exterminates the undead with guns, and then breaks out his father’s sword, cause “it never runs out of bullets.” In order to save what’s left of humankind, Lance and Rachel head out to find the head reaper, but must also battle the demons in their head. Do they succeed? Are things truly as they appear? Guess you'll have to watch it in order to find out.

What plagues this movie is forced dialog, too much explanation of storyline, and low budget. And, even though flying blood is aplenty, almost all the action and gore are done as cutaways, and the battle scenes are drawn out to the point of exhaustion. I'd rather have seen a shorter film, than getting bored with the monotonous hack and slash. Having been involved in a NO-budget zombie flick myself, Undead on Arrival, I can probably appreciate it a little more than the average horror watcher, but still, there’s much to be desired.

The melancholy tone of the film and it’s characters fight against it, and even the special features carry this feel. For instance, the attitude and delivery of the writer and director, Doug Roos, is just blahzay, as he never even cracks a smile or seems excited about anything. With his even keel-ness, it’s almost like he was reading pre-written statements to questions asked. Come on, Doug, it’s your film, and you gotta be the hype-man. It's your job to sell me (and everyone else) on it!

But, even with it's flaws, there are times it shines, and the following scene of dialog made me laugh, because perverse thoughts kept popping into my head.

Rachel: Can I see it? (He hands his sword to her) Teach me something.
Lance: I’d rather not.
Rachel: And why’s that?
Lance: I don’t think you could keep up.
Rachel: Oh really?
Lance: Yeah.
Rachel: Well, I think you’re just afraid.
Lance: Afraid of what?
Rachel: Of me being better than you.
Lance: First, you’ve got to hold it right, like this. (She swings it) WOW! It’s okay, you’ll learn.

(Of course, one could say, “That’s what she said!” after several of these lines, but I also envisioned this leading to a porno scene (a la 1970's) with groovy music. Heh heh, it still makes me giggle.)

Although it’s not the best indie flick I’ve ever seen, and I had high hopes as it touts at least 10 awards and I'm always looking for hidden gems, I’d like to thank Doug for sending me a copy. For his next feature, I’d really like to see more personality come out (Will the real Doug Roos please stand up?), and also leave more of the plot for interpretation, rather than trying to explain it all. Still, he succeeded in keeping me confused, because I’m still not sure why, or even if, the sky has fallen…

ACTING	--3--	HUMOR	--1--
BLOOD/GORE	--3--	NUDITY	--0--
CHICKEN LITTLE APPROVED	--2--	CONFUSION	--3--

OVERALL RATING

--2--

9 to 5: Days in Porn (2008)

2010-03-17T16:25:00.030-05:00

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

You know I love documentaries, and like most guys, I love porn, so when I saw that 9 to 5: Days in Porn was a documentary on porn, I thought, what could be better? (The real thing of course, but bare with me.) Coming May 4th from Strand Releasing, this docu provides insight into the lives of several porn stars, why they got into the business, why they stay, and all the other ins and outs (literally!) that go along with it.

Known faces, Otto Bauer and Aubrey Hollander (a porn couple), Belladonna, Katja Kassin, Sasha Grey, Ava and Mia Rose, veteran Nina Hartley, and Roxy Deville grace the screen telling us their intimate details of the industry.

Dr. Sharon Mitchell, director of the AIM (Adult Industry Medical) Healthcare Foundation and a former pornstar from the 70-80s (when hairy bushes were aplenty!), speaks very bluntly of her experiences in the business (she did over 2,000 films), and why she decided to establish a facility where porn stars can get tested, while being educated on better ways to protect and prevent the spread of disease in the industry.

Much like Seymore Butt’s Family Business series that ran on Showtime a few years ago, this docu is entertaining, and somewhat informative, that is, if you care to look past their nakedness, and want to know what makes some porn stars tick. And, not that it's a big surprise, but we learn that the San Fernando Valley is the Devil's Playground, as it's the hub of the porn industry, calling home to numerous offices, studios, and distribution centers of the $12.7 billion business. Damn, so I'll have to move to California in order to make my debut?

While I have a fondness for porn (my girlfriend would say an addiction), I’ve grown to prefer erotica, which usually has less “in your face” bump and grind, and more elements to titillate my senses and imagination. Sure, I can pop in a porno to get my rocks off, but once the deed is done, it's packed away in a box, and maybe not seen again for years. I grew up watching Asia Carerra, Tori Welles, and Chasey Lane, and in college, I was known as the Porn King, and supplied all my friends with flicks to fulfill their urges, but today, I find it difficult for current porn actresses to fill those memories, and I’d much rather watch Misty Mundae or Darian Caine in Skinemax-type movies, or Tinto Brass and (some) Jess Franco. I’ve also ventured out to find obscure erotica for my older friends (50+ year olds), and we engage in more compelling conversations than “Man, that dude was hung like a bull moose, and really stuck it to her!” or “Did you see how big her snapper was? I bet she could take two elephant trunks, John Holmes AND Peter North, and there'd still be room!”

I guess you could say I've grown up (ha ha, not really), but I’m slowly but surely weeding my collection, trying to recoup some of my money, and putting these gems in more well-deserving hands. But, my curiosity still gets the best of me, as those After Hours Cinema collections from Alternative Cinema are hard to pass up!

So, if you like porn, I suggest watching this film, but then head on over to Amazon.com and buy both seasons of the Family Business to add to your collection. Although Sasha Grey has that allure, and has made it into mainstream films (mostly horror), they always disappoint, so steer away from The Girlfriend Experience and Smash Cut, as both are a bust, and spend your time more wisely watching her porn or cleaning your house.

ACTING	--3--	HUMOR	--2--
BLOOD/GORE	--0--	NUDITY	--4--
DISEASE-FREE VIEWING	--3--	DIRECTING	--3--

OVERALL RATING

--3--

The Lost

2010-03-16T15:54:00.000-05:00

Buy it now!!

You can dig through indie horror for years without finding a decent movie. I checked IMDB and apparently there’s only 10 in existence. The first 10 seconds would suggest this is another flaming pile of poo on your doorstep. But what unfolds is a well acted, well directed, and decently written movie about a sociopath drug addict. Marc Senter plays this part masterfully. There is no point in this movie where I felt he over acted or lost character and with a part such as this it would have been very easy to do. If you don’t think a great performance is reason enough to sit through this movie, you also get a chance to see Shay Astar of 3rd rock fame all grown up as well as Misty Mundae briefly acting other a different name. This movie is more of a Natural Born Killeresque thriller than a horror movie. I can’t really go into describing it too much without completely spoiling it. The Lost is full of great editing as well. It often bounces back and forth between polar opposite soundtracks in the same scene to bring out excitement and it absolutely works every time. After not reviewing a movie for a year however you know its worth watching since I’m back here reviewing it. I guarantee moderate amounts of nudity, large amounts of drug use and in the end way to much killing for 10 minutes.

ACTING	--5--	HUMOR	--3--
BLOOD/GORE	--4--	SCRIPT	--4--
CINEMATOGRAPHY	--4--	DIRECTING	--5--

OVERALL RATING

--4--

Crap I watched and why you shouldn't Vol. 1...and the shirt that got away

2010-03-03T15:38:00.035-06:00

Okay, so the last few movies I've seen stunk monkey balls, and rather than do a full review and bash them to oblivion, I decided to just add some brief thoughts, so you can move on to watching better cinema.

Bitch Slap (2009)
While violent chick movies may spark my interest and sometimes arouse my libido, Bitch Slap failed to deliver anything but a confusing mess. Maybe that's the intent, but I expected some major ass-kicking, and maybe a semi-plausable plot. This movie was all over the place, and although the ladies were nice to look at, the ridiculosity came quick and never ended. So, I walked away scratching my head and wondering why I'd kept watching, maybe it's because it reminded me of Planet Terror, and doesn't Erin Cummings look kinda like Rose McGowan?
This flick caters to a certain crowd, and I guess I'm not one of them. Nudity: Nope. Ass-kicking: Some. Lesbianism: Yes. Humor: A Tad, with the funniest moment being when the mohawk dude hits himself in the crotch multiple times in order to keep his boner at bay. It's better to skip this feature and watch Zoe Bell's Angel of Death instead, or if you like Asian splatterfests, try Hard Revenge Milly.
2 out of 5 Slap-happy Bitches

Desireable Teacher (1981)
Sure, Michela Miti is desireable, but with a lack of screen time, and Alvaro Vitali's attempt at humor, this movie was a waste of time. The fart gags were tired, the humor and skin minimal, and it was so uninteresting that I read other horror blogs while taking an occassional glimpse up to see what was going on. You will get a quick shot of Michela's bare ass as she walks down the hall, but when she decides to bare it all, it's blocked by some dude's overly hairy chest. Shame on the director for allowing this to happen! Don't get me wrong, I like Bigfoots and Yetis, but they have their time and place, and I like naked chicks more. I recommend passing on this one and putting in some Tinto Brass to fulfill your Italian erotica curiosities.
1 out of 5 TILFs

Red Hook (2009)
This flick could also be called Scavenger Hunt of Death, since the premise is that several college kids go on a scavenger hunt and then end up dead. This is a modern slasher movie, but quite lame in comparison to 80's standards (the golden age), and even to the lamest of them. This follows the other horror sleepfests that Phase 4 Films has to offer, Killer Movie and Midnight Movie. Pull any pre-90's slasher film out and watch it instead, heck, even Scream is more entertaining.
1 out of 5 Knives to the Gut

Teachers (2009)
Ha ha, so I have two movies (said loosely) about teachers in the same post, well, this is actually a porno, and not a very good one at that. I watched this on Blu Ray and popped my hi def porno cherry with it. I'd been really curious about how porn would look in 1080p, and I must say, not much is left to the imagination as it shows every scrape, scar, bruise, freckle, mole, stretchmark, and even every hair follicle (even in the netherregion). I could see every vein running through Jesse Jane’s fake boobs, and hi def does nothing to mask fakies! There was even one scene when she was laying on her back (go figure, right?) that it looked like her boobs were deflating, talk about killing the mood! And, she really needs to get into the gym to tone up those legs. I'm pretty disappointed with this experience, as is most when it's "their first time," and not sure if I want to see anymore hardcore in HD. So, unless you're just a diehard fan of JJ (which I'm not), or need your porn fix for the day and nothing else will do, steer away, and maybe try some Chasey Lane or Tori Welles to go to town to.
2 out of 5 Detentions

Oh yeah, and the shirt that got away from me at Fright Rags. Damn, Tarman would have looked bad-ass.

It's limited to 200 pieces, and by the time I made it there (didn't it just go live today?), only men's small and 3XL were left, that is, unless I want to try to squeeze into a women's shirt. Naw, I need a dude's large, so I gotta pass...Grrrr. Oh well, I still have my limited Friday the 13th shirt coming, but I was an early bird, so didn't have to pay 70 bones for it.

Blood on the Flat Track (2007)

2010-02-19T14:44:00.016-06:00

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

I love watching documentaries, and although this isn’t really horror related, it does coincide with my earlier post on Whip It and Ellen Page. Blood on the Flat Track is a true representation of what real roller derby is all about, women-on-women violence and lesbian love all in one sporting event. This feature centers around the Rat City Rollergirls hailing from Seattle, WA.

We hear the trials and tribulations of the four teams which comprise the RCR crew: Grave Danger, Sockit Wenches, Throttle Rockets, and Derby Liberation Front. And, this isn’t just a lesbo sport, but also a mother-daughter and sister event, both as spectators and fellow derbiers. And, with names like Basket Casey, Darth Skater, Dirty Little Secret, and Pris Toff, how can you go wrong? Hot, goth-esque, Suicide Girl-type chicks (and Butches too) hammering the crap out of each other with bloomer-pantied butts everywhere. What a pervs dream!

Grave Danger

Sockit Wenches

I remember watching a few derbies on TV years ago, but after seeing this, I gotta see a live show! And, yeah, I know that some of it is orchestrated, but cat fights friggin rule, and maybe some chick will get her shirt ripped off in the process. This is a must-watch for all, and you’ll even learn a little bit about the sport's history and rules. So, since my words can't do it justice, skip Whip It and the Rollergirls series, and watch this instead. Then, travel to the closest city/venue sponsoring an event, and relish in chicks acting out their suppressed barbaric urges.

Also recommended is Hell on Wheels (2009), which chronicles the rejuvenation of Roller Derby in Austin, TX, the leagues that inspired the Rat City Rollergirls. You can stream it on Netflix.

Throttle Rockets

Derby Liberation Front

ACTING	--5--	HUMOR	--2--
BLOOD/GORE	--1--	NUDITY	--0--
CINEMATOGRAPHY	--4--	ROLLER-RIFIC	--4--

OVERALL RATING

--4--

We joined the Horror Blogger Alliance

2010-02-18T22:44:00.006-06:00

Since we like to fellowship with others of our kind, we joined the Horror Blogger Alliance. Not that we're some dominant blog as of yet, but networking never hurts, and getting others to see and enjoy what we have to say is what this is all about. So, if you're a virgin to our site, Welcome, we hope you enjoy!, and if you're a returner, then Thanks for supporting us, and tell all your friends!

If you have any suggestions on what we can do better, or something you'd like to see us cover or review, please let us know. And, don't let our counter count fool you, we've been at this for over two years, but have just recently started tracking our hits. Our activity may seem a little sporadic, but we try to blog as often as we can, even though our day jobs, family, and life sometimes gets the best of us. But, check back frequently, and thanks for all the support!

-K-Fleet, Smokeskrene, and Stalls

10 horror tidbits from perusing the horrorsphere today...

2010-02-03T23:37:00.036-06:00

Okay, so some of you may have already heard/read all of this elsewhere, but I thought it was worth mentioning, and even though I spent several hours unearthing all this knowledge, I'll sum it up for you.

1) Fangoria.com was offline for a short stint, but is now back up (at least somewhat). Problem is, the content is from mid-January. Many rumors have been floating around as to what happened/is happening, but are best summed up by The Jaded Viewer.

2) Child's Play is getting a remake. I ask, does it really need one? I'd rather see another film about the seed, Glen/Glenda.

3) Due to financial distress, Miramax Films closed it's doors, and The Weinsteins are feeling the same brunt. To make matters worse, they passed up the chance to distribute Machette (remember the teaser trailer from Tarantino/Rodriguez's Grindhouse movies), which is getting movie treatment later this year thanks to Fox.

4) Video Business Magazine is now out of business, which leaves us with Variety and Home Media Magazine. Sad, cause VB danced circles around both of them.

5) Within the last couple of months, Zelda Rubinstein, best known as Tangina from the Poltergeist movies, and Paul Naschy (if you don't know who he is, then shame on you) passed away.

5) Erotica maestro, Tinto Brass, is planning his next movie, the first 3-D porno. Nothing says In Your Face like 3-D porn.

6) Being a child of the 80's, I had many reservations about a remake to a movie I hold so dear, but after watching the international trailer for the new Clash of the Titans, I'm thinking it may be badass (not sure about the song blaring in the background though). And, the new Kraken is a frickin beast (see any similarities to the sea creature in Pirates of the Caribbean?).

This is the retro shirt I just bought on E-bay from teesmeewearme. It doesn't look quite this good, but is still pretty sweet, and I know I'll be the only one at the theatre wearing one. Yeah, and I'll be "That Guy..."

7) Bruce Campbell is back and will follow up My Name is Bruce with Bruce vs. Frankenstein. I guess we'll have to wait even longer for Evil Dead 4, the Evil Dead remake (which I'm skeptical about), and Bubba Ho-Tep 2.

8) Although innovative marketing of Ti West's House of the Devil increased it's allure with a DVD/VHS combo pack exclusive to Amazon.com, the film still sucked balls. I have yet to NOT be disappointed by all the hype around new retro movies. Then again, maybe I just expect too much.

9) Is it just me, or does The Silent House (the latest buzz film from Uruguay) look like a rip-off of [REC] and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre? That sound is sooo familiar.

10) Taxidermia will finally get a proper U.S. release on March 23rd, thanks to E1 Entertainment. Ya know, I've been sitting on my Region 2 Tartan release for probably close to two years now. I mean, I purchased it from Xploited Cinema, which closed it's doors in July of 2008, but just never got around to watching it. But, these pics are enticing enough to make me dig it out of the boxes I have yet to unpack from my move in January '09. Just too many DVDs and not enough time.

And, lastly, the most explicit pic can be viewed here. The Side Show isn't above showing nudity, but we don't want to get our domain name yanked either.

So, until next time, watch something that doesn't suck, and then tell me about it so I can review it. I'll give you credit, I promise.

Ellen Page, Whip It, and maybe a bit more

2010-01-29T15:12:00.028-06:00

Why do I like Ellen Page? Hmmm…she’s cute, has a mysterious and somewhat sexy allure, is funny, a good actress, and all but her role in Hard Candy, I enjoy watching her perform. So, even though I rarely review mainstream stuff, Whip It made it’s way into my player and I felt compelled to talk about it.

I won’t bore you with a lot of the details, a trailer, or even an official rating, since this is simply just Hollywood’s lame version of the greatest female sport ever played, but Ellen plays a rebellious teen who finds passion in Roller Derby (something her parents would be totally against), and although she's only 17 years old, she excels in it, becomes a league leader, and even a poster child for the sport. She also falls in love (and is burnt), swims in her bra and panties (woo hoo), hangs her best friend out to dry, finally sticks up for what she believes in, and in the end, it all works out for the best…the perfect Hollywood ending.

But, this movie isn’t anything great, and even with the sarcasm and crude humor of Jimmy Fallon (for those who are fans), performances by Drew Barrymore (her directorial debut), Eve, Juliette Lewis, the Star-bellied Sneetch helmets, and Juno-esque moments, I still walked away empty.

And, I’m not quite sure why, but Ellen never really seems to fit into the whole roller chick shtick. Then again, neither does Juliette Lewis, but as most other Hollywood adaptations, there’s always that sense of unrealism, even with the greatest actor/actresses of the day. And, I haven’t had a chance to see a live roller derby match, but something tells me it would be just as hokey as watching a live wrestling match: staged hits, falls, and nothing but hype. Then again, that's what makes them so popular, right, the anicipation of what might happen if someone misses their cue or really goes off the deep end...

So, why do I like Ellen Page? It’s because she’s cute, has a mysterious and somewhat sexy allure, is funny, a good actress, and all but her role in Hard Candy, I enjoy watching her performances. But, I can’t really say I enjoyed her much in this one either, and although I fixated all my attention on her (maybe that was the problem), it just seemed like a lamely told story. So, I can’t really fault her for shitty writing, or can I? My recommendation after watching this is to pop in Juno, Never Been Kissed, and Natural Born Killers (in that order), a nice trifecta to top off the evening, then forget you ever watched Whip It.

Rating: 2 out of 5 Side Show Freaks, and I’m sure this is what Ellen thinks of it. Cute, yet so hostile.

Taintlight (2008)

2010-01-20T21:38:00.026-06:00

If you’re a sucker, buy it now at Amazon.com!!

Any movie that makes fun of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight Saga, I’m down to see, since they're way over-hyped, made strictly for teen girls, and offer me nothing but a little eye candy at best. Now, I haven’t seen New Moon, but will when it hits DVD (just to say I have), and am not expecting anything epic in my viewing experience. So, since I like spoofs, the latest movie to hit my DVD player was Taintlight, from Splatter Rampage/Tempe Video. This is the same studio that brought us Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker, Townies, and Filthy McNasty, which I own. If you haven't seen or heard of them, then maybe you need to remove your head from Hollywood's ass, because there are a slew of indie films out there that are more enjoyable.

This feature intends to be 123% camp, but failed to entertain me, and about halfway through, I started doing other things, like browsing the web for porn. So, here's the lame premise: Stella goes to stay with her father after her mom commits suicide, and she finds comfort in her friend, Jack...that is, until Edgar Mullen comes into the picture. So, Edgar takes a liking to Stella and weird shit starts to happen. We get the death of a drunken mime, loads of overzealous facial expressions, her father’s perversions (incest included), poop and fart jokes, a Michael Jackson-esque werewolf, and Razor McBleed's death by the hands of Edgar and a frisbee. And, to poke further fun, when Edgar goes into the sunlight, he doesn’t sparkle, but gets a boner, and bubbles release from his crotch. Hee hee, ha ha, nope, it wasn't the least bit funny.

Even though this film clocks in at a mere 60 minutes and some change, it felt much longer, and I may have even lost a few brain cells by watching it. I didn't even find it to be Troma-riffic, so maybe I’ve just gotten too old and sophisticated to watch crap like this...Naw, that can't be, since I still giggle like a little girl when watching others with similar stupidity. So, I'll just have to blame it on the delivery, and even though someone found it funny enough to front the money, this is still garbage in my book. Yeah, yeah, I understand it’s niche viewing, and maybe a six pack would have helped, but I would venture to say that this was worse than a Bill Zebub flick. Oh yeah, I said it, and you can read my review for The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made here.

But, Taintlight did have a couple of somewhat memorable lines, even though they were one-gigglers at best:
Edgar says to Stella: “Do you beat up your vagina when you get turned on?”
And, as Stella wakes up to see her dad jerkin his gerkin over her bed, he says, “I must be sleep jacking again….”

The original working title for this was Twatlight, which is obviously hard to market outside of the porno realm, but had it squeaked through under that name, it would have only meant even more disappointed viewers. And, with Twilight's popularity, it's only natural for the porn industry to take a stab at it, as they have many others (XXX-Files, The Exxxorcist, Not the Bradys, and This Ain't Good Times to name a few), but fangs + BJs = OUCH!!

In place of Taintlight, re-watch any of the Scary Movie films, since the Wayans Brothers and Leslie Nielsen almost always bring a laugh.

ACTING	--1--	HUMOR	--1--
BLOOD/GORE	--1--	NUDITY	--0--
WOULD STEPHANIE APPROVE?	--NO--	WOULD TROMA APPROVE?	--NO--

OVERALL RATING

--1--

Bad Girls Dormitory (1984)

2010-01-12T01:30:00.035-06:00

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

I’m by no means an expert on Women in Prison movies, nor a big fan of the genre, but I have seen quite a few from around the world (probably just for the fact that naked women are guaranteed). So, since Bad Girls Dormitory sounded like a promising title, I took the gamble from Netflix. It’s shot in New York, is straight up 80’s, quite laughable (even though I didn't chuckle), and one of the lamest I’ve seen. These movies pretty much all follow the same formula: naked women trying to escape, suppressed lesbian love, a wicked warden, and corrupt guards. Even with tons of nudity and titillation (crotchillation too), I wasn’t the slightest bit aroused or amused. Had I seen it in my early teens when my libido was running rampant, the outcome may have been different, but there wasn't a single thing I could even consider a guilty pleasure. The only things I did enjoy were the soundtrack, and a couple of kill scenes (a shotgun blow to the crotch, and a piano wire strangulation).

Bad acting and dialog, mediocre looking women, an Ilsa-esque warden, lame catfights, and a whole lot of crapola plague this feature. The editing is horrible, often jumping to scenes that make no sense in the flow of events, and it almost looks like it was made as a Skinemax after dark flick. I like cheese, when it's done right (and there is a fine line), but it seems like it tried too hard to play out the stereotypes of the genre, yet encompass elements of other movies that were popular of the time, like The Warriors.

Something I found interesting (thanks to the inside sleeve) is that the director, Tim Kincaid, also directs porn under the name Joe Gage. So, it’s really no surprise that the storyline lacked substance, and the editing and camera angles were shoddy and simple. And sadly, as one would expect from a man of his expertise, there’s not even a money shot (blasphemous, I know), unless you consider those the multiple crotch close-ups, which sadly, were clothed. But, all of his film credits in the new millenium are for gay porn, so something steered him away from Women in Prison (probably a good thing), and back into men who have risen (hee hee).

Maybe I'm being a bit too nit-picky, but I don’t have a vast knowledge of 80’s b-erotica to compare it to. I just know if it doesn’t give me the childish butterflies of awe (and a tingle in my pants), like when I used to sneak into my dads room to view his nudie mags, then maybe I don’t have the capacity to appreciate it. A sidenote: While writing this review, Police Academy (in HD no less) was on TV, so I just had to watch it, even though it was edited. It's one of those movies that no matter how many times I've seen it, it just makes the years melt away. Maybe it's pre-Sex in the City Kim Cattrall (also in Porky's and Mannequin, two more of my faves), the antics of Steve Guttenberg, or sound effects maestro Michael Winslow that does it, but this movie just entertains the heck out of me and makes me giggle. But, Bad Girls Dormitory is just bad, so steer your efforts elsewhere. I suggest Frankenhooker, another movie featuring BGD's Jennifer Delora, which does have a lot of cheese, but is way more enjoyable. I do wonder, though, if Breeders (1986) (also Tim's film) is any better. I think it sits in my shelf with an inch of dust, so maybe I need to watch it, just to see if he can re-gain some credibility. But, I won't be watching Chainsaw, that's for sure!

ACTING	--1--	HUMOR	--1--
BLOOD/GORE	--2--	NUDITY	--3--
WOMEN IN CAGE-ERIFFIC	--0--	DIRECTING	--1--

OVERALL RATING

--1.5--

Is Warner Brothers' the Devil?

2010-01-06T15:41:00.012-06:00

The holidays were a little brutal, so I got behind on video business news, but just read on Mya Communications blog, that in December, ADA (Alternative Distribution Alliance) was merged into WEA distribution, another facet of Warner Brothers' Entertainment.

If you remember earlier in the year, Ryko Distribution was absorbed into ADA (read here), and I lost a great partner, Tony, due to that. Well, Tony kindly gave my info to Jay at ADA (who I guess just got disposed of during the recent merger), and he passed me onto Kim. Kim's a great guy, lives in Washington, is an Aussie (a nod to my bro), and has sent me many promos in the short time I've known him, including my first Blue Underground Blu Ray, The New York Ripper, which I still need to watch. Luckily, he will keep his job, but will be handling Amazon's account, and I will be passed onto someone else, who I can only hope will be as generous. The industry I love is ever so changing, and I have yet to determine if it's for the better. I guess as long as the releases keep coming, then that's what matters, but I often wonder what my own future and career aspirations hold as consolidations and downsizing are common place.

I know it's all about business, but Ryko/ADA have the top indie releases, and if they shutter, or continue to get stong-armed by "The Man," we can kiss any future releases and lost gems from the Italian and Spanish greats goodbye. Since it all boils down to money, it's our job as horror, erotica, and weird cinema fanatics to keep the dream alive by buying and supporting releases from Severin, Blue Underground, Mya, Mondo Macabro, Troma, etc. So, come on fans and fellow bloggers, we can't let The Devil overtake us (even as fun as it may sound to some).

Coming in January:
From Mya Communications-
Desirable Teacher
Sex Advice
Hunchback of the Morgue
Lady Medic
Blade of the Ripper
Human Cobras
Cricket

From Scorpion Releasing-
Goodbye Gemini
Doctor Death

From Troma, Impulse, Liberation, and Blue Underground-
Troma S War
Toolbox Murders (Blu Ray)
Schoolgirl Report 6
House on Sorority Row

February:
The Alcove
Poultrygeist (Blu Ray)
Schoolgirl Hitchhikers
I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle
The Crazies (Blu Ray)
Taxi Driver
Car Cemetery
The Fiend
and many more...

Films Not Worthy of a Real Review Part 2

2009-12-23T12:14:00.019-06:00

This goes along with a prior post called Films Not Worthy of a Real Review Part 1, which sadly, I couldn't find in any of my blogs. I remember writing it, but not a single movie I put on it, so I guess it was titled appropriately. Well, here's a few more I recently watched that didn't really merit thorough Side Show analyzation:

Zombie Dearest (2009):
From the jump, this had so much potential with it's Shaun of the Dead/Fido antics, but ended up leaving me hanging. Director David Kemker plays the lead role perfectly, along with David Sparrow as Quinto the Zombie, and Shirley Temple-haired Shauna Black rounds it out with her cuteness. Zombie comedies are the rave these days, and this fits in perfectly, even though the ending may leave you a little disappointed.

Hoodoo for Voodoo (2006):
The best thing about this movie was the boobage and catch phrase t-shirts everyone wore, but like many others, fails to entertain outside of that. The gore and dialog were lame, which may have been the intent, but it couldn't even be saved by Linnea Quigley (looking rather old I might add), cameos by Debbie Rochon and Lloyd Kaufman, or Tiffany Shepis's boobs.

Hanger (2009):
After watching this, my first impression was to write it off as just another film made to shock, but since then, I can't seem to get it out of my head. It's not a great movie, but does have several WTF? moments, and maybe just enough quirkiness for my appetite. So, I've decided to buy and rewatch it. What I do remember is Debbie Rochon plays a pregnant hooker who's pimp doesn't like the fact that his prize ho has gotten knocked up, so he aborts the baby with a hanger. Baby lives, but is deformed, and the father comes along on his 18th birthday to help rear his son. Boobs, crotch, labia, blood, oddities, this film has it all, but sadly, you'll walk away shaking your head wondering what train wreck you just watched. This is the same director that did Gutterballs, which I reviewed.

Home Movie (2008):
This is about a twin brother and sister who start mutilating animals, and then a friend, and then their parents, who somewhat ironically, are a minister and therapist. Hand-held cam type of movie that was an hour and a half of wasted time. I was excited when this finally got released outside of the IFC/Blockbuster circuit, but it ended up being easily forgotten. Watch Ghost House Underground's The Children, or the original Children of the Corn (not that crappy Syfy remake) instead.

Penanace (2009):
Penance had several boobs, but is some kind of a Nazi/Ilsa/Martyrs purification movie about strippers who get drugged, locked up, and tortured in order to purify their souls. Another movie intended to shock, which is portrayed in a scene where a guy cuts out this chick's clitoris (no close ups) and puts it a jar with others, and then cuts off his nuts and puts them in a jar. This may disgust or be shocking to some, but I thought it was quite ridiculous. Then again, I'm kinda numb to most things intended to make my eyes pop out, make me piss or crap myself, or make me vomit. Don't confuse this with August Underground's movie of the same name, which really, isn't any better.

And so, my search for Movie of the Year continues...

Jason Plays a Mean Triangle (You Tube Short)

2009-12-23T11:52:00.004-06:00

Well, if I can't find time to post movie reviews, maybe I can entertain you with random crap. Some may be movie related, some not, but thanks to the blog Chuck Norris Ate My Baby, we see Freddy and Jason's musical (and bilingual) talents.

Fallout (2009)-Moonlight Films-Hutchinson, KS

2009-12-16T14:11:00.018-06:00

Coming to DVD in 2010 will be Hutchinson, Kansas' own, Fallout. If you follow my reviews, you may recall me referencing the film Undead on Arrival. Well, that was the first film I helped with from Moonlight Films. Fallout is our next venture, and is now in the cutting room. Stay tuned for more info, and visit Moonlight's site.

Me and Dudrey

Robert and Chris

Naked and Violent (1970)

2009-12-02T15:13:00.016-06:00

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

Okay, so it's been over 2 months since any of the Side Show staff posted anything, which I've heard means blog suicide, but we'll see. For me, work has consumed me, it's the holiday season for crying out loud, and I work in retail. For Smokeskrene, he's had his sights/thoughts on his big move in March, establishing his new band, and the fall of his relationship (don't worry, he's bouncing back to his old self), and for Stalls, he's been going to school and film making, and other than Trick r Treat and Halloween 3: Season of the Witch, I haven't heard about a single movie he's watched. So, I guess you could say we've all been selfish in our own lives, and too busy to contribute to/entertain yours. Sorry, it's not intentional, but does happen, since it does take time to write reviews, be thought provoking (at least somewhat), and get motivated when you've seen so much garbage that you just want to do nothing but rewatch all the stuff you hold so dear. Then again, what's the fun in that? I'm the one that should be spending the money, taking the time and risk, and bringing you the latest in underground and obscure cinema. I really hope not to leave you empty handed again this year because I'm unable to find that one movie to put my stamp on and tout as Movie of the Year. Trust me, I have an assload of quirky films to watch, yet only a few weeks until 2009 is said and done. But, without further rambling of what I haven't accomplished, here's my first (and hopefully not last, although I guarantee nothing) review for December.

Naked and Violent is Sergio Martino and Luciano Martini’s portrayal of what 1970s America was like. From the bums and strip clubs on the streets of New York, to the drugged out and sex crazed hippies at Woodstock, to the old traditions of the south and the rednecks in Texas, to the Krishnas, Native Americans, Amish, Hawaiians, and even Las Vegas, no stone was left unturned. They try to show as much brutality, depravity, racism, and sex as possible, that you’d think this was either an Anti-America film, or a travel agent's plug to come visit modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah. They even reference such iconic figures and places as JFK, Hugh Hefner, the Manson Family, and NY’s own 42nd Street.

Only in the 70’s could you still get raw footage of African tribal dancing (a sex rite) done by modern day negroes (his words, not mine), perverse sex acts with inflatable dolls, and animal sacrifice, without the MPAA, some activist group, or Johnny Law shutting down your film. What were Sergio and Luciano really trying to say about Americans? Are Italians really that much more tame and less barbaric than us? Some of the most exploitive and gruesome films came from Italy, and then sold to American distributors because of a lack of national embrace. Italians hating Italian films, how blasphemous! Maybe it was just Sergi and Luci’s jealousy of not being American, and having the ability to experience all the freedom, individualism, sex, drugs, and rock n roll. Home of the free, land of the slave, oh, I mean brave, right? I don’t know, all they were doing was poking fun and pointing the finger at what would become their core viewing audience, and still is. Those crazy Italians!

From the Neanderthal-like sports and eating habits we have, to our unusual sexual practices and religious beliefs, to our political pro-war vs socio anti-war views, to our treatment of the elderly, mentally challenged, and disabled people, the Italians presented it all. And, they ended the film with Lady Liberty standing tall without a care to the world, the true American vision/ideology.

Sergio is better known for his films Mountain of the Cannibal God, Torso, Case of the Scorpion’s Tail, The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh, and Island of the Fishmen (another title released by Mya Communications). The picture quality varies by frame, and goes from clear to grainy to horribly scratched and down right mangled. But, I’ve found this to be a commonality in Mya releases, as they try to offer some of the most obscure titles, presented in their most uncut versions, even adding footage that should have stayed buried. And, as seen in their other releases, no bonus features are offered, but they do have subtitles rather than dubbing. Once again, I applaud Mya for bringing this title to the masses, but yet another Boo for picture quality, no extra features, and a pretty crummy/biased feature in the vein of the Mondo Cane films. So, unless you're just a fan of these kind of films, steer away, and take Island of the Fishmen and Lucifera: Demon Lover off your Netflix queue or to buy list as they're garbage too.

ENTERTAINMENT	--2--	HUMOR	--1--
BLOOD/GORE	--1--	NUDITY	--3--
FILM QUALITY	--2--	ITALIAN GREATNESS	--0--

OVERALL RATING

--2--

Horrible (1981)

2009-09-04T00:50:00.020-05:00

After viewing this horrible trailer, buy the horrible DVD at Amazon.com!!

When I think of Joe D’Amato, I think of his horror-porn/erotica flicks such as Erotic Nights of the Living Dead, Porno Holocaust, Papaya dei Caraibi, and many of the Emmanuelle movies, but those aside, Beyond the Darkness was one of my first brushes with Italian horror. It sparked my interest to further explore the genre, leading to other horror greats, Lucio Fulci, Dario Argento, Mario Bava and his son Lamberto, Michele Soavi, Tinto Brass (erotica), and many more. Having liked what I'd seen of J.D.’s stuff, I decided to give Horrible aka Anthropophagus 2 a whirl. As you saw in the trailer, this also went by the name Absurd, which I believe I have a bootleg copy of, but never got around to watching it. And, sadly, Anthropophagus 1 is sitting in my collection without the factory seal ever being broken, so shame on me for not ever taking time to view either of them. So, unfortunately, I can't give a comparison at this time on whether it's an actual follow-up, or just a follower. But, both have the same director, and within minutes of turning it on, it's Italian origin is duly noted with it's Goblin-esque score.

Horrible starts out with a man running, a priest following, and an open mid-section with exposed intestines. A (short) hospital visit, an operation and miraculously recovery (within minutes of being sewn up), a nurse attack, and an escape. A bounty hunter priest, a bed-ridden chick in a neck brace (possibly due to an injury sustained by the "Horrible" from the first movie? (mere speculation)), and a little bratty-ass kid (with an afro) who I hoped would get bludgeoned so I didn’t have to watch his horrible acting and ridiculous tantrums. So, Mr. Horrible plinks off pretty much everyone he comes in contact with, but as to what rhyme or reason, I couldn't tell. Hmmm...maybe the first movie would provide some explanation...

The kills are pretty lame, and the drawn out face burning scene in a kitchen oven only added insult to injury. But, like Handy Man from In Living Color, neck brace chick breaks free from her reigns and comes to the rescue, stabbing Horrible in the eyes with a drawing compass. He then lurches around the house trying to find her (I swear this scene lasted 20 minutes), while afro boy runs for help, finding the priest. After a not so convincing struggle with the priest, Mr. Horrible takes a few whacks in the neck with an axe from N.B. chick (ironic huh, maybe he can use the neck brace now, hee hee), who then walks out of the house blood-dreched with her trophy in-hand, a scene reminiscent of Perseus with Medusa’s head from Clash of the Titans.

Plain and simple, this movie stinks, and is best described by it's title. It's like Joe needed some quick cash, so he piggy backed it's (fairly successful) predecessor (only a year between the two releases) and released this garbage. Now, don’t get me wrong, many of his movies have major flaws, but this was straight up landfill (a Dr. Gore reference (www.drgorereviews.blogspot.com )). I will give kudos to Mya Communications for giving us the most up-to-date uncut print available, even though most of the extra sourced material looks worse than a badly worn VHS, and did absolutely nothing to enhance the film. Also, the audio is low-toned, and even though an English dub track is offered, there are no subtitles with the Italian language track. And, although I was praising the music score at the beginning, I didn't realize it would be looped throughout the whole movie, so after the third or fourth hearing, I was sick of it and wanted to mute the rest of the movie just to shut it up.

So, don’t waste your time with this one, but go buy a copy of Beyond the Darkness, and also Mario Bava’s Bay of Blood aka Twitch of the Death Nerve. Both, I proudly hold in my collection as proof of my entrance and acceptance into the world of Italian horror. And, if you like hardcore, pick up D'Amato's Snow White & 7 Dwarfs, it's guaranteed to make you laugh and gaze in awe.
Note to self: Blow the dust off Anthropophagus and watch it for crying out loud.

ACTING	--2--	HUMOR	--1--
BLOOD/GORE	--2--	NUDITY	--0--
AFRO KID'S DEATHWISH	--5--	D’AMATO GREATNESS	--0--

OVERALL RATING

--2--

Halloween 2 (2009)

2009-08-30T22:31:00.000-05:00

Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2, the horror film I had been looking forward to forever. I was a huge fan of the first one (it tops the list of my favorite horror film actually), and figured this was going to be the movie to end all movies. You can understand my sadness when I saw it the other night and was severely disappointed.

First the good though. If you watched Halloween, then I think you’ll like this one. It offers the same Rob Zombie treatment of horror that we saw in the first one. Also, this one isn’t based off the original Halloween 2 really at all, which is amazing. I hated the original Halloween 2 so the fact this wasn’t a shot for shot remake was really good. Michael is a freaking badass in this film. Much like the new Friday the 13th made Jason into a psycho monster the likes of which we had never seen before, H2 makes Michael much the same way.

In the acting department, Scout Taylor-Compton pulls off a great Laurie (way better than Jamie Lee Curtis, but I really can’t stand her no matter how hard I try). Sadly, Sherri Moon makes an appearance in this movie…and honestly she sucks. She can’t pull of the character of Michael’s mom, but more on that a little later in the review.

Also, I loved the way this movie was shot. Not that it was done entirely in some new and exciting way or anything, but there just seemed to be times when I was awed at certain scenes and the way they were done. It maybe the fact I’m going to school for such things, but it was one of those things that just really struck me as awesome.

The fact that Michael is a badass just makes the movie better in my opinion. K-fleet went with me and at one point leans over and whispers, “Michael’s pissed off this time around.” It took me a second and then I registered what he meant, because Michael had just stabbed a nurse like 10 times or so and it was AWESOME. The sound effects and the brutality of the stabbings were sweet.

For all the good things though, this movie has quite a few things working against it, and the number one thing was the story. I don’t want to ruin anything, but there is a crazy paranormal thing going on that simply fails at being a good story.

Another thing was the characters in this film. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of people that come back for round 2, but there are also numerous new characters as well, and for the most part you don’t feel bad when they die. They don’t really have anything going for them as far as story is concerned, so they basically just act like fodder for Michael to tear through.

One of the things that K-fleet and I both agreed on was that the pacing just seemed funny in this film. I can’t really describe how, and maybe he can help me out with it, but it just feels off as you watch the movie. I don’t know if it was because more people died later in the movie rather than throughout the movie, but it’s just strange and you can really feel it as you watch.

ACTING	--4--	HUMOR	--2--
BLOOD/GORE	--5--	NUDITY	--3--
CINEMATOGRAPHY	--5--	MICHAEL’S BAD ASSITUDE	--5--

OVERALL RATING

--3.5--

Shaolin & Wu Tang (1981)

2009-07-22T16:25:00.014-05:00

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

There’s nothing like ending the day with a good martial arts flick. And, when I say good martial arts, I mean pre-90’s, with no Jet Li, Jackie Chan, or Tony Jaa. Don’t get me wrong, Tony can be a badass, but it’s hit and miss (how long we been waiting for Ong Bak 2?), and Jackie and Jet are played out.

So, my choice for the evening was Shaolin & Wu Tang. Like others, my knowledge of both of these came from early 90’s rap music. Yeah, I loved the Wu Tang Clan. Not only were they “nuthin to fuck with,” but they breathed a breath of fresh air into the genre, which was dominated by gangsta rap (which I love too), but also accompanied by pro-black rap, party/corny rap, and conscious rap. Granted, I’d seen some Bruce Lee flicks prior to this, and even The Last Dragon (a classic), but Wu Tang opened up a whole new world of cinema for me, that being true martial arts movies filmed in their native land.

Now, I wouldn’t consider myself a hardcore martial arts fan, since after a while they start getting muddled and redundant, but I am a fan of several of the early Gordon Liu flicks (he’s featured in this one), some old Sonny Chiba, Bruce Lee for sure, and even some of the newer fantasy-style ones (Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Curse of the Golden Flower, Tsui Hark’s Vampire Hunters), but only a few really stand out in my memory (Born Invincible, Enter the Dragon), so that’s what I compare them to.

It’s pretty clear from the jump that Xenon Films didn’t spend any money remastering this. First of all, the film is grainy, the audio is shoddy, and it’s presented in fullscreen, which limits the picture (and action) and also cuts off most of the subtitles. But, to it’s credit, the film is dubbed. Not that I like dubbing, but if I can’t read the subtitles, then a dub track better be present. So, I watched this with both dubbing and subtitles, which was quite humorous, since neither really matched up.

So, basically, this movie is about the Shaolin (shadow boxing) vs. the Wu Tang (sword style), with Gordon Liu representing Shaolin. And, even though the two camps are cordial to one another, there’s still an unspoken rivalry between them, or merely an ideology of which style is more dominant, which the Lord (not Jesus Christ) wants to learn in order to be unstoppable. But, neither master are willing to give up the secret to their art, so the Lord poisons the Wu Tang master, blames it on the Shaolin, and Fung Wu (the master' s protégé), accidentally finishes him off with a sword (a plan devised by the master to take him out of his misery). And, since Fung’s unwilling to give up the secret too, he’s jailed for his master's death.

While there, he meets a woman who helps him out, and with the help of his friend, Gordon Liu, who infiltrates the prison guards, she nurses him back to health, learns both fighting styles, and is able to free him. But, after an outnumbered fight, Fung gets recaptured and re-incarcerated, Gordon’s sister gets killed, which is blamed on the Wu Tang, and so, Gordon seeks further training from the Shaolin monks in order to get revenge. Can’t you see where this is going?

In order for the Lord to reign supreme, he stages a fight between both camps, represented by Liu and Wu, in hopes that they will kill each other. But, his plan goes awry, as they use their skills (and each other’s) against him, while his sister (the chick from the jail who helped them) mediates the battle. In the end, Shaolin and Wu Tang are merley one in the same, and it’s a happy ending. Hoo-rah!

The greatest thing about this movie is that it is the original source for many of the quotes on Wu Tang Clan’s songs. Such as, “If what you say is true, the Shaolin and the Wu Tang could be dangerous…” But, despite the crummy audio and picture, this was still enjoyable, and during the ending credits, it was confirmed that this was sourced from a VHS (scrolling fuzzy lines like VHS does when it gets worn out). Come to think of it, I have a whole bag of old martial arts tapes like this packed away that I bought for $1 a piece. Maybe I should blow the dust off the old VCR and have a kung-fu movie madness, minus one David Carradine though (R.I.P. Grasshopper). I’ll ponder it, but I know my girlfriend won’t go for it.

Watch it, love it, hate it, I don’t really care, but don’t front on the Wu Tang Clan for making you curious about it.

ACTING	--2--	HUMOR	--2--
BLOOD/GORE	--1--	NUDITY	--0--
CINEMATOGRAPHY	--3--	ASS-KICKIN FUN	--3--

OVERALL RATING

--3--

Hell's Half Acre (2006)

2009-07-22T13:06:00.030-05:00

Buy it now!!

About a year ago, I requested this film for review, but was denied. I don’t remember why, but with a few more reviews under my belt, I felt confident enough to go after it again, and this time it paid off. What initially sparked my interest in this film is that it reminded me of other slashers (Jason, Michael, etc), and even though I knew it was a low budgeter, it showed potential, so I had to give it a chance.

When a movie starts out by pre-empting just how extreme it is, I find it not only humorous, but cautionary. It sets the stage for either a great campy ride, a big disappointment, or even utter disaster. For Hell’s Half Acre, this “warning” comes in the form of a public service announcement by Dawn Reed, the founder of WUCP (Wake Up Call for Parents), who calls it “the most filthy, disgusting, horror film.” After viewing it, she was so appalled that she started the organization in order to educate and warn others of it’s evil, and to get government involvement in better regulatory procedures.

This 7 minute PSA immediately screamed camp (Troma style), and although it got a little tedious, I knew that what to come shouldn't be taken too seriously. And, when boobs were thrown in within the first minute of the film, it was a good sign, but sadly, they were the only ones to appear.

The setting is Ennisburg, PA, where three dudes are looking for their missing friend, Val. They stumble upon her dead body in a shed, and believing the culprit is the property owner, Bob Moore, they bum rush his house, tie him and his kid up, douse them with gasoline, and set the house ablaze. (Insert humor) The street address of the Moore residence is 187 Valerie Lane, and the news station that covers the story is WKIL Channel 8.

Now, present day, it appears that Bob (or his son, Derek) has returned for vengeance on the entire town. Nicole and her boyfriend are sharing some quality time parking, but Skully (as I call him) appears, bashes in the truck's window with a sledgehammer, and then does the same to the boyfriend’s head. Nicole runs for help, tells the local P.D. what happened, which is taken lightly, and they promise to inspect the scene the next morning. (The next morning? What kind of cock-a-maymee law enforcers are these guys?) Her story checks out, and even though there's no body, it’s clear there was foul play. But, in the distance, the officers see Skully, and after a short struggle and a chase, he kills them.

People start getting plinked off, and Nicole, being one of the lone survivors and having nothing else to lose, goes after him. She's able to get in several shots and hacks, but ala Jason and Michael, he's only down for a minute before getting back up to continue his massacre. J&M moments are plentiful, like when he turns to give “the look,” or just stands there observing his prey (J&M were voyeurs too ya know). But, then my hopefulness is blown when he starts running after people. See, I’m old school, and fast moving slashers do nothing for me (that’s one thing I hated about the new Friday the 13th). It’s much more entertaining to see them walk, but still end up in the same place as their victims, who were running their asses off. An exception, but I'm sure there are others, is when Leatherface is chasing Sally (Marilyn Burns) at the end of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. For whatever reason, I can accept that he was running, even though it was clear that he was holding back since she was slower than molasses. And, zombies are just the opposite, they have to move fast in order to please me, definitely faster than George Romero’s undead slugs.

But, unlike J&M, Skully uses a whole gambit of murder weapons: a sledgehammer, machetes, shotguns, pistols, etc, and takes no shame in wiping out a whole church of people. In the final scene, we see Skully standing on the top of a building watching the city burn, much like in V for Vendetta, and I kept thinking that a much needed theme song in this instance would be Burn, Hollywood, Burn by Public Enemy and Ice Cube. Of course, this isn’t Hollywood, but you get the picture, and if you want to be picky, it wouldn’t be hard to replace the city names with current technology.

The one thing I didn’t quite understand was the ending. Either in an act of guilt (provoked by Nicole), his feeling of accomplishment (killing everyone including Nicole, who isn't really dead, but we'll roll with it), or a combination of both, Skully plummets himself off the building (ala Crow style) and gets impaled on a street sign. I mean, dude could disappear and reappear, so why did he have to kill himself? It’s almost like the director needed an ending, but wasn’t quite sure how to wrap it up, and thought, "Yeah, that would be a cool scene," but wasn’t sure how to fit it in, and even though it really didn’t fit the storyline, was like, "Screw it, let’s do it." Even after a 2nd viewing, I'm still puzzled.

But, in low budget films, you have do what works, settle for what you got, and make the best of your resources. One of the best scenes is when Skully barrels through the door, knocking it off the hinges, and it hits a chick in the face. After watching the special features, it's explained how it was totally unintentional, and actually resulted from a miscue, but hell, it made a great scene none the less. I also really liked when Skully bashed the truck window in, it seemed so real and natural, and at that point I was really rooting for him, that is, until I saw him running, GRRRR.

This is a movie I’d watch again, but probably with friends and beer. I'd like to thank Sean for sending me a copy, and hope another feature is in the works. Nice accompanying music by Spitshine.

ACTING	--2--	HUMOR	--2--
BLOOD/GORE	--3--	NUDITY	--1--
CINEMATOGRAPHY	--3--	TROMA-RIFIC	--4--

OVERALL RATING

--3--

Mindflesh (2008)

2009-07-15T16:05:00.014-05:00

Warning: This trailer contains scenes of a mature nature, so only view if you are of age or have your parent’s permission. I cannot be held responsible for your deviant behaviors. :)

MindFlesh Trailer from ZenFilms on Vimeo.

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

First, I have to apologize to Robert at Zen Films for not getting this review up sooner, but hey, it’s here now, and I’m man enough to take all the slanderous words he has to throw at me. But, in my defense, it’s coverbox has been my Facebook picture for the last months, so in essence, I haven't forgotten about it, just been busy, yet still offered subtle advertising in the meantime.

Mindflesh is a movie that’s true to it’s title. The lead actor, Chris, is played by Peter Bramhill, who's better known for his role in 1999’s Human Traffic. Chris is a cab driver who has flesh on his mind all the time, as he continues to see a near-naked chick, who disappears within minutes of her arrival. He becomes so obsessed, that he writes down his sightings of her, and maps them out on his wall at home. Problem is, after he sees her, he also has “encounters,” which are far less pleasing, and often even end in injury.

So, who is this mute chick that comes and goes with no rhyme or reason? It’s Carole Derrien from Nature Morte (2006). Is she real? Merely imagination? Hell, I don’t know, but I enjoyed her nakedness, and so does Chris once she decides to stick around for a while. But, the more time he spends with her, the more it effects him (and the people around him), like he’s opened a portal to hell.

Seeking answers, he goes to see a college professor who has written on the subject, but rather than offering much insight, he tells him to get rid of the bitch because she’s nothing but trouble. Unable to do so, things continue to happen, and we find out that his life as youngster has helped cause these events to happen, with flashbacks of Mummy’s verbal abuse, and a possible molestation.

In dream-like sequences, it’s pretty clear that some alien shit is going on here, or these people are experiencing some serious dementia. Either way, most of the scenes play out in Cronenbergian fashion, maybe even a little Lynchian, and will have you saying WTF? the whole way through. You'll even walk away from the ending scratching your head.

Clocking in at a mere 1 hour and 9 minutes, it’s definitely worth a watch. For pervs, Carole’s boobs will draw you in and keep you mezmerized, and for the obscure cinema watcher who doesn’t require a lot of explanation and likes weird shit going on, this should suffice. An alternative title for this could simply be Mindfuck, which other reviewers have used to describe it, but Robert has chosen a title that suits it well, doesn't disappoint, and is mainstream-friendly enough to spark the interest of all.

His previous film, London Voodoo (2004), which I own and liked when I viewed it a few years ago, is much more horror and gore oriented. (Note to self: watch London Voodoo again.) So, even though I'm a hardcore horror fan, it's nice to see him branch out into other (yet similar) genres. My only real beef with Mindflesh is that I wish subtitles were available, because with the thick British accents, I couldn’t make out some of the dialog, no matter how loud I turned up the TV. But, this is definitely a flick I’d watch again, and recommend to others. I'm also confident that much more is in store for Zen Films, and I really look forward to their next feature. Thanks again to Robert for sending me this for review. Again, I apologize that it’s taken so long to get it up (where was the Viagra when I needed it ;) ).

Most memorable quote (and a classic one in the making at that):
“Have you fucked anyone special recently? (Silence) Ah ha, congratulations, you’ve been fucking your own mind.”

ACTING	--3--	HUMOR	--1--
BLOOD/GORE	--2--	NUDITY	--4--
CINEMATOGRAPHY	--3--	WTF?-NESS	--3--

OVERALL RATING

--3.5--

Spider Baby

2009-07-13T11:52:00.001-05:00

Buy it now!!

1964. I know Kfleet is not particularly fond of this era of horror. Spider Baby is, however, the kind of camp you always hear people raving about. Every now and then a star’s career is revived and people begin talking about some of their older work and this case that person is Sid Haig. (House of 1000 corpses/Devil’s Rejects.) A messenger arrives at a rundown mansion with word that long lost family members of the deceased owners are going to arrive. He is met by a girl who is playing “spider” who basically cuts off parts of the guys face. (Not graphically this is the 1960’s.) This is pretty much the vibe of the whole movie. Its sort of a guess who’s coming to dinner atmosphere like the beginning of House of 1000 corpses but its very PG. That being said all in all its entertaining but not good. It’s probably worth a watch. Unlike other horror films of the era its starting to get into slasher territory way ahead of its time. Probably only for people who have an affection for old twilight zones.

ACTING	--2--	HUMOR	--2--
BLOOD/GORE	--2--	SCRIPT	--2--
CINEMATOGRAPHY	--1--	DIRECTING	--2--

OVERALL RATING

--3--

Death Wish (1974)

2009-06-26T02:07:00.015-05:00

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

This has got to be one of the best trailers I’ve seen in a long time, and even though I own it, I hadn’t seen Death Wish in over 10 years. But, the past couple times I went to my girlfriend’s parent’s house, I noticed that her dad had it, so while waiting for lunch on Father’s Day, we watched it.

Much like other movies of the era, it’s a kick ass and take names later kind of flick, but rather than it being Clint Eastwood or Chuck Norris, it’s Charles Bronson, who just reeks of badassness, and who I believe can take the other two. Chucky B is one bad mofo, and even though he has a kind and compassionate face, he but can straight unleash the beast when provoked.

So, here's the story. After enjoying a relaxing vacation with his wife, they head back to the hustle and bustle of city life, but things go awry when his wife and daughter are attacked and assaulted (in their own home), and the daughter is raped by one of the gang members, a young-faced Jeff Goldblum. The wife dies in the hospital, and the daughter is comatosely traumatized. So, what’s a man to do, but be hellbent on revenge? And, with no help from the local P.D., he has no choice but to go vigilante, with nothing but a sock full of quarters by his side, and a gleam of justice in his eye.

So, he roams the streets at night looking for gang activity, and is almost mugged, but gives the guy a good whacking and flees. Almost in disbelief of what he’s done (or capable of doing), he has a drink to calm his nerves, and starts to think of a different plan. But, he has to go out-of-state for business, and so his plans are put on hold. But, while there, his partner takes him to a shooting range, and even though Chuck hasn’t held a gun since his father’s death and the Korean War, he doesn’t seem to miss a beat. So, once business is done, his partner slips him a little going away present and he heads home.

His daughter, Carol, still has yet to get better, and to add fuel to the fire, he receives the vacation pictures in the mail. So, he hits the streets again, and thwarts another mugging, but this time with a gun. This becomes his nightly routine, and no place is safe for deviants to hang out anymore.

The police catch on pretty quick, and start riffling through the files looking for person and motive, which eventually leads to Chuck. But, the D.A. doesn’t want him caught, since he’s doing such a great job of cleaning up, but they want him to go away silently so it doesn't spark others to do the same. So, the local P.D. try to use a few scare tactics, but that just makes Chuck up his game.

And so, he’s able to take out a few more hooligans, but in the final showdown, he gets shot, and after a short stint in the hospital, he takes the advice of the inspector, and skips town to Chicago (an obvious set up for a whole new adventure).

If you don’t own this movie, you’re a sucker, and should immediately follow the Amazon link and make it a part of your collection. It’s well worth the 5 bucks spent, has a score by Herbie Hancock (remember Rockit?), and is fun for the whole family. Well, that part may not be true, but this is good, wholesome entertainment, and oh so grindhouseish. And, not that it needs it, but I guess Sly Stallone thinks it’s kick ass enough to give it a remake, which may don the big screen in 2011. I wonder who will play Chucky B, though, since there’s really no replacement for him?

Pick it up, love it, share it with a friend, laugh at the red spray painted butt scene and Chuck in his Speedo, and then talk yourself into buying #2. My friend, Paul, says it has “one of the best rape scenes ever,” and I almost questioned what comprised a good rape scene, but then quickly paused in thought, having realized I’d seen so many before that were done so horribly. Plus, taking the source into consideration, a wise man of his years, and a fellow perv with demented viewing preferences, I gotta take his word for it, and hope to get around to watching it sometime this year. But, Part 1 is still a classic for sure.

ACTING	--2--	HUMOR	--2--
BLOOD/GORE	--2--	NUDITY	--2--
CINEMATOGRAPHY	--3--	SHEER BADASSNESS	--4--

OVERALL RATING

--3.5--

Devil Girl (2007)

2009-06-24T16:24:00.012-05:00

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

I first heard about this movie from a co-worker, and after doing a little research, thought it looked not only hokey, but plain stupid. Well, since I’m on Brain Damage Films mailing list, and they have distribution rights to Elite Entertainment films, I received not one, but 2 copies of Devil Girl over the course of time, and then a 3rd copy from my friend at our corporate office. So, with 3 copies at my disposal, I figured I should watch it, then spread the wealth to friends, and even if it sucked, what did I have to lose but time?

It starts out with a grindhouse feel, the grainy picture, loud soundtrack, old/fast cars, and also seemed very reminiscent of Death Proof, but with a female driver this time. So, as I’m trying to get into it, I have my first WTF moment in the first 5 minutes, where a motorcycle pulls over, the dude takes off his helmet, and has a painted clown face. A clown? Did dude just get off work and head home before showering? I guess not all clowns travel/carpool in those really small cars with other clowns, but wouldn’t you know it, he ends up a little later in a VW Bug anyway.

Our Death Proof chick, Fay, is tough (you can tell by the leather jacket and the biker boots), likes to hustle at the pool hall, and show just how fast her car really is, taking suckers money left and right. The clown, although I'm not yet sure of his motive (maybe it’s hate of being a friggin clown, that would suck right?), goes through cars and people like there’s no tomorrow. He also has a liking for anything that will take him to an alternative world, whether it be snorted, smoked, inhaled, or popped. It’s still early in the movie, but I’m guessing the final showdown will be between the clown and the tough chick. But wait, then enters Devil Girl, but she's only there long enough to smoke a joint, and then she’s gone.

Fay’s ride runs out of gas, so she must hike to nearest town and stay the night until the mechanic can get to it. This is where she has her first face-to-face run-in with Mr. Clown, but nothing really happens, as he just stares at her kinda dumbfounded. See, when she stopped earlier to get gas, he stole her wallet, so in order to make money, she has to strip. She’s cute, slender, long-legged, and has a nice little set of perkies, which seems to please the local pervs, and earns her enough money to pay for her motel room. She learns the next morning that her fuel pump is shot, so she’ll have to spend a few more nights, and heads back to the club to make more dough.

Up comes WTF moment #2, when after a long night of taking off her clothes, Fay hears someone lurking outside her room, so she pulls a screwdriver out of her duffle bag for protection. A screwdriver? Who (but grease monkeys) carries a screwdriver with them? A knife, yes, a gun, yes, mace or a taser, yes, a beat stick, yes, a screwdriver, no (unless it's a phillips). Granted, a screwdriver can do some friggin damage, but there are more practical, compact weapons that one can conceal.

Devil Girl seems to pop up everywhere, in the club, in the church to haunt the local pastor, who seems to have an evil side (don't they all?), and finally, to Fay, who has a sexual interlude with her. Fay’s car gets fixed, and she gets back on the road, but not before she’s chased by the perv motel owner, and helped out by the clown. The movie ends with Donald (the clown), now a normal looking guy, in a mental institution surrounded by all of those who were major characters in the story, but who are actually his nurse, orderly, or fellow patients. Haven’t we seen this premise before?

But, despite the similarities to other films, I liked this much more than I thought I would. Maybe it was the lead actress, Jessica Graham, maybe it was the nudity, maybe it was the ridiculous clown, I can’t really pin-point it, but I liked it and would watch it again. And, as far as Mr. Clown goes, he’s like Rodney Dangerfield, and can’t seem to get any respect. He’s constantly thrown out of the strip club, gets evil glares from everyone around, and continually has to fight his demons, mostly drug induced. The words that come out of his mouth are ridiculous, redundant, and only at times, a little chuckle-worthy, and even though he tries to be as witty as Heath Ledger’s Joker, he doesn’t even come close to Jack Nicholson’s, but I still couldn’t hate him. I never quite understood why they chose a clown, but I guess that’s what one might see being overmedicated on prescription drugs. A friend once told me that when he dropped acid, he saw Smurfs breakdancing on the hood of his car, so I guess clowns don’t seem that far-fetched after all.

This film is worth a watch, and I can see big things in Jessica Graham’s future. She has the talent, and a certain stardom quality, that I think can help break her into the mainstream, that is, if that's what she wants. Give it a watch and let me know what you think.

ACTING	--3--	HUMOR	--2--
BLOOD/GORE	--1--	NUDITY	--3--
CINEMATOGRAPHY	--3--	GRINDHOUSENESS	--2--

OVERALL RATING

--3--

Friday the 13th (2009)

2009-06-16T21:37:00.002-05:00

Buy it now!!

It must be the fact that I’m a new-age movie watcher but I really liked this movie. I really, really liked this movie. I had heard some mixed things about it from K-Fleet and Smokeskrene and I didn’t get to catch it in theaters so this was my first viewing experience with it and I wasn’t disappointed.

The one thing I can’t figure out is why people have been telling me it’s the first 4 movies put together into 1. With the exception of a few scenes like his shrine to his mom, and listening to a character that only has a passing resemblance to Mrs. Voorhees, there wasn’t too much else that I saw and just thought to myself “holy crap that’s from one of the original movies.”

This has to be one of the better movies in the series and if you ask me it probably ranks in the top 5. This takes Jason and makes him a badass, don’t get me wrong he was freaking awesome before but something about the way he does things this time around; the way he kills people is a million times better than any other movie they made. He just seems more brutal and visceral in this movie than any of the others.

Oddly enough, no one had ever mentioned the fact we get to see Jason’s “house” in this movie. It caught me by surprise when it was first showed, but I do approve of it. For some reason the question of where Jason lives when he’s not out killing people or being stuck in the bottom of a lake never crossed my mind, but after seeing his lair it just seemed natural. I don’t want to ruin anything if you haven’t seen the movie but it’s like the bat-cave for a machete wielding psycho killer.

Also, if you though there was nudity in the other movies, you haven’t seen anything compared to this bad boy. Not only do we get to see 3 pairs (which ties the record for most in one movie in this series I do believe) but we see one girls set for more time than all the boobs in the first 4 movies combined. Don’t hold me to that as a real fact, I’m just saying you have a really good idea of what they look like by the time she’s dead.

I don’t know how much CGI was used in this movie, but nothing struck me as particularly CGIish. In my review for Freddy vs. Jason I talked about how it just seemed like they used CGI instead of trying to actually film some parts but I just didn’t get that feeling here. So either they didn’t use it as much, or they got a lot better in the time between the films.

This movie also really sucked me in. I’ll admit that the later in the series I got, the less the movies made me feel any emotion or hold my attention at some places. This one did just that though, I honestly at one point wondered how long I had been watching so I moved my mouse to show the time and I was at an hour, didn’t even feel like 30 minutes had passed. It’s just done in such a way that you never really get bored watching it, it just sucks you in.

The one negative thing I will point out is in the gas station. When they show the clerk, the things behind him are out of focus. Not something that would normally catch my eye, as it’s done in a lot of films because it keeps you focused on the character, but these are way out of focus. It’s like they used a funny lens just to distort them more or something. The same thing is done a few other times during the movie, but that scene really sticks in my head.

ACTING	--3--	HUMOR	--4--
BLOOD/GORE	--4--	NUDITY	--5--
ENDING	--2--	DIRECTING	--5--

OVERALL RATING

--4.5--

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

2009-06-15T21:39:00.001-05:00

Buy it now!!

Not sure how well this review will cover the Freddy side of things, I haven’t seen those in a while and don’t really remember how well it follows the whole Freddy lore. It does have Robert Englund in it though, so it can’t be all too bad.

Freddy vs. Jason starts off with a brief re-cap of the Nightmare on Elm Street series of movies. We learn that Freddy killed kids, then the parents killed him and that he then came back in dreams to kill kids until they learned that by not believing in him he loses all his powers. He makes a reference to Jason being his ticket out of hell (also a throwback to “Jason Goes to Hell”) and we start in on the movie itself. Just like most of the early Jason movies we have a counselor that get’s nude, runs through the forest, and then gets killed. It’s at this point Freddy appears as Jason’s mom and tells him he needs to get to Elm Street and start killing people in order to make them feel fear again. Jason takes off and we roll the quick intro credits.

I must admit that I really liked this movie. It must have something to do with being part of the new generation as K-Fleet calls it, because I also thought Rob Zombies re-make of Halloween was great and him not so much.

One of the things it does well is cover the whole Freddy/dream side of things and how they cover it up like they do in the Nightmare series. Very early in the movie the police try to keep the kids from even thinking of Freddy, this is one thing I do remember from the Nightmare films. This movie also incorporates the rhyme used while jumping rope and the little girls in the white dresses, both awesome nod’s towards the original movies, and something that had to be there or the film would have been horrible.

This movie also takes Jason and puts him on a new level of badassitude. In particular the scene where Jason walks through the rave and kills about 4 or 5 people over the course of 1 minute. Again this might just be me being part of the new generation of movie watchers but I loved this scene.

There were a few things about this film that I just didn’t like however. First off is Freddy becoming real. I can remember something about him being real in a few parts of the Nightmare movies, but I don’t remember him walking around and just killing like he does here. Also, some of the kills and some of the effects were just too CGI heavy. Don’t get me wrong, watching an Alice in Wonderland-Freddy-worm thing smoke a hookah is pretty sweet, but did it really need to be done? My last big problem with the film is the ending. If you do much research into the film, you’ll find out that about 4 other endings were considered at one point or another for the movie…..and all of them were better than this crap. Imagine that the ending was Freddy and Jason getting sucked down to hell and fighting in an arena of sorts, with the devil in the background watching. Now think of what the ending is here if you’ve seen the movie. Which one seems like a better ending to this movie?

ACTING	--3--	HUMOR	--4--
BLOOD/GORE	--5--	NUDITY	--4--
ENDING	--2--	DIRECTING	--4--

OVERALL RATING

--4--

JASON (VS. SPACE) X

2009-06-15T00:23:00.000-05:00

Buy it now!!

There are not a lot of great movies from the horror genre that venture into space. When described to anyone the plot of this movie can only be interpreted as absurd. Jason is found stored away. He is taken aboard a space craft full of half wits and adrenaline junkies. He is accidentally upgraded. He slaughters everything on board in real life and virtual reality. There is nothing great about this movie other than it doesn’t take it self seriously. It takes the general flaws of the already far fetched series and stretch them even farther with no intent other than to be amusing. And it is. The problem is that you will walk away with nothing more than a few chuckles. This movie didn’t ruin the series by any means but it doesn’t carry on the tradition of trying to be serious while being ridiculous. Its just ridiculous.

ACTING	--0--	HUMOR	--3--
BLOOD/GORE	--3--	SCRIPT	--0--
JASON BADASSNESS	--5--	DIRECTING	--2--

OVERALL RATING

--2--

JASON GOES TO HELL (ALONG WITH THE SERIES)

2009-06-12T23:46:00.000-05:00

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I’ve already covered that I don’t like people cancelling out movies of the Friday the 13th series because of plot twists. Having said that, this is probably my least favorite of the series. There’s going different directions and there’s leaving the atmosphere which this does. The idea of having the government trap Jason was good. But having him pass into other people’s bodies was a little to “Twin Peaks” for me. I could of dealt with this happening once. But this being repeated was just too cheesy. If this movie had been an idea on its own that had nothing to do with the series I still don’t think it would have been enjoyable.

I think this was the first movie of the series where they really invested a great deal of money trying to capitalize on the other’s success. The feeling is similar to that of Clerks 2 in that the product was so much better when it wasn’t over thought. Bad actors is what made slasher’s great. Monster’s in masks and topless girls was the formula that made us what to cheer on kill scenes of the annoying archetypes we deal with in our everyday lives. Trading that for body jumping and slithering nonsense was just nonsense. Obviously the studio new this as they abandoned this as quickly as they took it on. The only really great moment of this movie was the dick tease ending with Freddy’s claws pulling the Jason mask to hell. After sitting through this again the idea of getting to do a review for Jason Vs. Space almost has me optimistic.

ACTING	--3--	HUMOR	--0--
BLOOD/GORE	--2--	SCRIPT	--0--
JASON BADASSNESS	--0--	DIRECTION	--0--

OVERALL RATING

--1--

Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

2009-06-11T22:07:00.032-05:00

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

To be honest, I didn’t remember a single thing about Part 7 until I read Stalls review, and even then, I had to wonder if I’d ever seen it all the way through. So, to refresh my memory and see how it might have tied into Part 8, I watched the beginning and then the end. As I mentioned before, the whole idea of Jason in the city seemed bogus to me, and although I wondered how in the hell he got to Manhattan, I never gave it a second thought, and just brushed this off as the "lost Jason film." Lost in so many ways that is! Besides, it’s not like anyone would pick him up if he was walking on the side of the road.

The camera starts out on the grimy streets of Manhattan, but we’re quickly taken to Camp Crystal Lake where a couple of teens have snuck off on a boat to make out on the lake. Unbeknownst to them, Jason lies chained and dead below (covered in lake sludge), but is brought back to life when the boat anchor pierces an underwater power line. WTF? The lightning rod from Part 6 was a little far-fetched, but still more believable than resurrection by mind power (Part 7), or by a fluke electrical incident. But, Jason’s alive and kicking once again, takes a couple of lives, and then floats on the boat where he catches a cruise-liner full of freshly graduated teens. Jason needs a vacation too ya know.

So, rather than drink a Mai Tai and kick back and relax, Jason does what he knows best, KILL. All but five people get whacked, including the captain, and once they realize the ship can’t be saved, they hop on the rescue boat, a scene somewhat reminiscent from Titanic, but instead of Leonardo DeCaprio’s sad demise, the teens and their chaperones manage to make it to Lady Liberty. But, so does Jason, whose swimming abilities have improved since he was a kid.

So, with Jason now in the crowded city, he aims to clean up the streets, the subway (where he has a near-death scene by electrocution), and the sewer system, where the nightly toxic waste dumpage gets the best of him, and melts off his already deformed face.

This movie was a disaster, and even with the return of Kane Hodder as Jason, it was still a waste of time. Some would say Kane was the best Jason, the one that gave him personality, but that definitely wasn’t the case in this film. I also read that people were really pissed off after they saw Part 5 because it wasn't really Jason killing, shit, I’d have requested my money back if I paid to see this on the big screen. Even the director, Rob Hedden, doesn’t have a single worthy credit to his name, and this plays out like another film riding on the franchise's jock. Plus, that lame ass trailer says a lot too.

There wasn’t even a single kill that I felt good about. Death by guitar, death by hot sauna rock, death by mirror shard, how f-ing snoozy. And, the fact that young Jason continues to appear, both deformed and not, is ridiculous. The coolest character, but coolest in the lowest sense, is the all-wise deckhand who warns that “Jason has returned” and “death is near” numerous times.

After 25 minutes, I was ready to turn it off, at 54 minutes, I wanted to burn it, and at the end, I realized I just wasted and hour and a half of time that I could've been watching Sanford and Son reruns. Jeez, the sacrifices I make for the Side Show Review fans…

This film did have familiar faces, though, like TV veterans Peter Mark Richmond and Warren Munson, who you probably wouldn’t know by name, but by face, and you probably couldn’t name a single thing you’ve seen them in, even though their credits are vast. And, lead teen cuties Scott Reeves and Jensen Daggett pretty much stayed on the TV circuit after this film too.

This movie was garbage, and possibly the saddest entry into the series, and with only one boob and two bare butt scenes, my interest kept was minimal. Even with 17 kills, when there's a lack of blood and gore, you have to offset that with naked people (preferably women), and humor, that’s just how it is. But, if you have a lame story, crummy acting, ridiculous kills, minimal blood and gore, little to no skin, and almost no humor, then your film is bound to suck, no matter if you have Kane Hodder (or anyone else at that) donning Jason's mask. Shame on whoever wrote this piece of crap and tried to pawn it off as a Friday the 13th film. I know new ideas are hard to come by, but I’d have much rather seen old regurgitated stuff, than a far-fetched idea that sucked. Shit, "Jason plays poker," or "Jason takes a crap in the woods" would have been much more entertaining.

Smokeskrene believes that this film deserves at least a 3, if for no other reason than it having Kane Hodder, but I can’t be that generous. "Jason On A Boat" is not only off the charts on the Stink-O-Meter, but I kept waiting for T-Pain and Lonely Island to jump out and start singing, “I’m on a Boat, look at me (Pam), I’m on a motherf-in boat!” And then Jason breaks out into some footwork or the robot. Hee hee, that would be a great SNL or Robot Chicken skit.

ACTING	--2--	HUMOR	--1--
BLOOD/GORE	--2--	NUDITY	--1--
CREATIVITY	--2--	FT13TH WORTHINESS	--1--

OVERALL RATING

--a very generous 2--

Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood

2009-06-10T23:45:00.002-05:00

Buy it now!!

When the new Friday the 13th movie came out earlier this year, it seemed like the perfect excuse for me to go out and buy all the old ones. I had seen most of them yet I owned none. So I ran out and picked up the “From Crystal Lake to Manhattan” box set and then picked up the other 3 separately. I began to watch them over the course of about 4 or 5 weeks and loved it. Then the idea for this lead up to the new movie came about and we divided the films up. I got 6, 7, Freddy vs. Jason and the new one. I sat down to watch the movies and review. It was at this time I realized something. I freaking hate the 7th movie. Can’t stand it. I honestly think it’s one of the worst films in the series. So many people bash on “Jason goes to hell” and “Jason X” but did they ever watch this one? Anyway enough bashing, on to the review.

If you never saw the 6th film, just watch the first couple of minutes of the 7th one, it pretty much runs you through everything that happened. Great way of condensing about an hour and a half into 3 minutes. The film officially begins with a flashback of Tina, our main character. We quickly find out that she has telekinetic powers when she kills her dad. Back to present time we find Tina and her mom headed back out to Crystal Lake, in an attempt to figure out completely what is wrong with her with the help of her doctor, Dr. Crews. They don’t really get along that well and at one point Tina goes running out of the house and to the end of the dock. She uses her powers to wake up Jason, who immediately sets off. All that time under water has done wonders for Jason however, as his decayed suit and flesh makes for the most badass looking Jason yet in my opinion.

I’ve decided that the reason I don’t like this movie is the whole storyline and Tina. I understand that they did it to bring something new to the table, but for some reason I just don’t like the way they took it. Something about a psychic girl using her powers to fight Jason just sounds dumb when said out loud, how in the world did they ever get a green light to actually make this movie? And the ending, dumb is the only word I can think of to describe it. I won’t say anything to ruin it if you haven’t seen it, but just be ready to shake your head and be disappointed when/if you do watch it.

Also, where in the world does Jason get the 50 different weapons he uses during the film? He just randomly appears with one thing, then he has another, and another. At one point he walks out of the woods with a power saw on the end of a pole, granted it’s a really cool weapon to use. We never once see him really pick up a weapon, with the exception of an axe, he just appears out of the woods with them.

Also, random cat…..the hell? If you’ve seen this movie you know what I’m talking about, if not then go watch this movie and you’ll figure it out when it happens. Not sure if this is supposed to be a throwback to the second movie or what but either way it just didn’t seem to fit the flow of the movie.

Negativity aside, the movie does have some really cool things going for it. Tina’s visions of people dying were kind of sweet. I particularly like the one of her mom dying in the middle of the road she has while driving. This movie also has the coolest kill ever ala the sleeping bag death, nothing better in my opinion.

This movie also brought back nudity to the series, something that was oddly missing from the 6th one.

I also really like the character of Eddie. He’s the wannabe science fiction writer. Something about the scene where he wraps himself up in streamers and says something about Mummies in space just cracked me up.

ACTING	--2--	HUMOR	--3--
BLOOD/GORE	--4--	NUDITY	--3--
ENDING	--1--	PLOT	--1--

OVERALL RATING

--2--

Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives (1986)

2009-06-09T22:22:00.003-05:00

Buy it now!!

Part six of the series opens up with Tommy Jarvis and his friend/fellow crazy Allen driving out to the cemetery where Jason is buried. Jarvis is determined to put a stop to Jason once and for all by setting him on fire using some gasoline. After they dig up the coffin and open it, reveling a very decayed and maggot infested Jason in the process, Tommy does what any other person would do and grabs a metal pole out of the cemetery fence and stabs Jason a few times with it before stopping and leaving the pole sticking out of Jason’s chest….during a thunder storm. One of my favorite parts of dialog follows this.

Allen: Oh boy, he must have really messed you over.
Tommy: Yeah fuck you Jason.
Not sure why I love it so much, maybe it’s the fact someone says fuck you Jason, either way I just think it’s great stuff. As Tommy and Allen go to get the gasoline ready, lightning hits the pole and brings Jason back to life in a very Frankenstein way. Tommy throws the gasoline on an advancing Jason and then strikes a match, just in time for it to start raining. Jesus it must suck to live in a horror movie, just as you get the upper hand mother nature kicks you in the face.

Allen does attempt to end Jason’s life by hitting him over the head with a shovel, but this just pisses Jason off and he then puts his hand through Allen’s chest and rips out his heart. So 8 minutes and 16 seconds into the movie we already have a kill. All in all it’s a very cool scene to say the least. Tommy gets into his truck and drives off as Jason dons the mask that Tommy was nice enough to bring with him.

Overall the 6th movie was decent. It didn’t really do anything new and exciting for the series; it just stuck to the same old formula. It offered up plenty of gore, just as would be expected of a movie in the franchise. It does offer up the most “Jason” kills out of any of the movies up to this point, with the big man clocking in with 18 victims on his hands. All in all I would say it’s a movie worth picking up if you have seen the others in the series. It’s not one to watch more than a couple of times within a short amount of time however, as nothing that new or original happens in it. I almost fell asleep while watching this one again. But it’s very solid for what it is. The actors are believable, and I liked the cinematography. The big downside to this one is the lack of boobs. Now like I said I was really tired watching this one again, but not so tired I’m going to miss the fact I just watched a horror movie that had no boobs in it, everyone knows that’s the second most important part of a horror film next to the kills. I’ll still give it a 1 however because the girl that played Megan is really cute.

ACTING	--4--	HUMOR	--2--
BLOOD/GORE	--4--	NUDITY	--1--
CINEMATOGRAPHY	--4--	TOTAL DEATHS	--18--

OVERALL RATING

--3.5--

Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning (1985)

2009-06-08T23:58:00.018-05:00

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

As I mentioned before, Part 5 is one of the most memorable ones to me. If I had to rank them, Part 3 would probably be my favorite, then Part 5, then Part 4, with my least favorite being Part 8, since the idea of Jason in the city just seemed bogus to me, but I’ll get the honor of revisiting and reviewing it, and maybe even appreciate it later. Not that Part 5 is really better than Part 4, but it all boiled down to the time and place in which I viewed it.

Part 4 leads you believe that it was the end of Jason’s reign and finito to the Friday the 13th series, but realizing just how profitable this maniac was, a new one was released a year later. Now on it’s 4th director, Danny Steinmann, who also gave us The Unseen (1981) and Savage Streets (1984), Jason comes back with a different swagger and a blue striped hockey mask.

We pick up this time with an aged Tommy Jarvis, who’s still battling his demons over Jason Voorhees, and hanging out with the other loonies at the Pine Hurst mental facility, basically just a house in the woods with a couple of therapists. Much like Shelly from Part 3, fat-ass Joey (another white dude with a mini-fro), is an annoyance to everyone, and when he bugs temperamental Vic while chopping wood, he gets an axe in the back (a scene familiar to Don’t Look in the Basement). Within the first 26 minutes, we have five confirmed kills.

There’s really not a whole lot of character development in this one, yet so many people seemed familiar. Stuttering Jake reminds me of Duckie from Pretty in Pink, even though Part 5 predates it, Reggie’s brother, Demon, is a mix between Michael Jackson and Rick James (I’m Rick James Bitch!!), Pam looks like Ginny from Part 2, Violet is a clear reference to Blondie (and can break down a wicked robot), and Reggie looks like Little Red Riding Hood (and screams like a little girl when he sees the big bad wolf (Jason)).

After rewatching this, I think I may have figured out why I like this movie so much, it’s because of all the humor and the wide array of colorful characters. This was the first one that actually made me laugh, and Ethel and her retarded son, Junior, brought the most chuckles. This movie also hailed a couple of the most memorable kill scenes for me. When Jason wraps the strap around Eddie’s head, and then cranks it until it breaks, and when Ethel’s son is beheaded while erratically riding his motorcycle through the yard after getting his ass kicked by Tommy.

This movie will lead you to believe that it's possibly Tommy doing the killing (even though the size doesn't match up), but in the end, we find out that it’s Roy, Joey’s paramedic father, who after witnessing his slain son, puts his grief behind the mask with intent on massacring everyone. And, he does a good job of it until Reckless Reggie hits him with the front-end loader, he has a knife/chainsaw fight with Pam, and then he falls out off the barn window onto a bed of spikes with the help of Tommy. But, the last moments still leave open the possibility that Tommy may one day become Jason, or is it all just a bad dream?

So, Part 5: A New Beginning is clearly that, it’s a bit of a different direction for the franchise, but also a clear statement that they were in it for the long haul, eventually beating out every other killer in the genre in film count. And, out of all the other Friday films up to this point, it had the highest body count, totaling like 20, or one every 4.5 minutes, and also had the highest boob count, totaling 6, or 3 sets. I couldn't help but say, Damn, look at those fun bags, when Tina's donned the screen, and felt my lips pucker in a suckling motion.

As Smokeskrene pointed out, some may argue that it is not really a Friday the 13th film because it's misleading and wasn't actually Jason killing, well, I disagree, and think it's a fine addition in the series, and even though it's heavily flawed, and maybe even moreso than the others, it's still in my top 3, and very worthy of being in my collection.

So, if you are a TRUE fan of the series, you gotta pick it up. The reason I put the DVD link to the older release, rather than the reissue on June 16th, is because you can get the same content at a fraction of the price. And, if you don’t already own these movies, shame on you, and I highly recommend you buy the boxset which has Parts 1-8 and all the Killer extras. If you were wondering why you can’t get them ALL in one set in the U.S., it's because two different movie studios have the rights (Paramount and New Line), and neither want to sell. Screw making it easy for the fans when the all mighty dollar is at stake, but if done right, that would make a sweet collector's piece!!

ACTING	--2--	HUMOR	--3--
BLOOD/GORE	--3--	NUDITY	--3--
CINEMATOGRAPHY	--3--	BODY COUNT	--5--

OVERALL RATING

--4--

FRIDAY THE 13TH THE FINAL CHAPTER

2009-06-08T17:32:00.001-05:00

Buy it now!!

There are few movies that have the complete package. At this point in slasherdome, victims you actually cared about had been mising. Friday the 13th the Final Chapter abandoned the campsite for the summer party house and the single mother family by the lake. It was also the first movie of the series to have really great casting. I don’t think you can say enough about how well this movie comes together. Crispin Glover and the dead fuck joke is classic. Corey Feldman as the child with a monster fetish was a great casting decision. He wasn’t some little kid trying to play the role as the cutesy child you have to be scared for. He played it has the self reliant child who was just trying to look at out for his mom and sister. And you believe it. He even pulls off the ridiculous ending where he shaves his head and makes Jason stop being ruthless. The idea of that is one of the most absurd idea’s ever but it works with the right actor. I nominate this for the best of the series. In 3 Jason gets his mask and in 4 Jason finally gets some decent people to kill.

ACTING	--4--	HUMOR	--4--
BLOOD/GORE	--4--	SCRIPT	--2--
JASON BADASSNESS	--10--	NUDE TWINS	--5--

OVERALL RATING

--4--

Friday the 13th Part 3 (1982)

2009-06-06T12:08:00.019-05:00

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

Even though it had only been a year since we last left Camp Crystal Lake, Part 3 begins by revisiting the conclusion of Part 2. And, much like the SAW films are today, a new Friday the 13th was being churned out almost every year. Instead of Sean Cunningham helming the director's chair on this one, the torch is passed to Steve Miner, who also worked closely with him as director/producer on some of the others, and who went on to do House (1986), Halloween H20 (1998), Lake Placid (1999), and a slew of others not in the horror genre, including episodes of The Wonder Years.

Part 3 not only marked a new direction for Jason, but also for the franchise, having been shown in theatres in 3D. Never having seen it "enhanced," my curiosity got the best of me and I bought a copy of the “Uncut” 3D version, even though I already had two other copies of the 2D movie. Well, no matter what we did (I watched it with my friend Lukas and his wife Cassandra), it was clear that the red/blue cardboard 3D specs were very lame and dated, and our viewing experience wasn't enhanced whatsoever, but actually made worse. So, we finished it in 2D, and laughed at the scenes obviously intended for 3D.

So, Jason is still hellbent on revenge, and has discarded the burlap sack, grown in size, lost all his hair (damn middle-aged testosterone levels), and now wears a Dickie’s work outfit instead of a flannel. But, once again, we have the familiar scenario, kids heading off to Camp Crystal Lake for a summer of fun in the sun, sex, drugs, and rock & roll.

And, like Part 1, we have another jokester, Shelly this time (chubby white dude with an afro who reminded me of the annoying wheelchair dude in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre), who annoys the hell out of everyone, and you’ll be happy to see killed off later in the movie. We also have another cute redhead, well, strawberry-brown, named Chris, played by Dana Kimmell, and yet another weird old man, who carries an eyeball given to him by Jason?, and who continues to warn of what might happen by going to the lake.

So, once they somewhat settle in at camp, Shelly and Vera make a run to the local grocery store, but have a run-in with a few bikers (black dude Ali, black chick Fox, and white dude Loco), who try to flex their muscle. When leaving, Shelly accidentally runs into their bikes with the VW Bug, which moments later, takes an ass whooping by Ali’s chain (tough people carry those types of things ya know). But, Shelly’s tired of being pushed around, and he runs over Ali’s bike, thus setting the stage for another retaliation. So, the bikers head to the camp with intent of burning down the barn, but are pitch-forked and wrenched to death instead.

While the jock (Andy) and his girl (Debbie) make out in a hammock, Chris tells her ex-boyfriend, Rick, about her first brush with Jason. Shelly plays another trick, but on Vera this time, and this is the first time we see the infamous hockey mask. Not enthused, Vera goes off on him, and he walks away with his tail between his legs, but Jason returns to the scene with the hockey mask and harpoon gun in tow (THE MOST ICONIC SCENE IN THE FRANCHISE!!), and Vera gets a 3D arrow through the left eye.

Now, back to Andy and his girl, who have finished playing hide the salami. She decides to take a shower (boob scene), while he goes to get beers (walking on his hands), a clear set-up for a sweet kill scene. She returns to the hammock to relax, but he doesn't (isn't it obvious what happened?), and she's killed with a machete through the chest from below (yet another scene similar to Part 1). I guess I never really realized just how similar Part 1 and 3 are until now. Sure, I remember familiar scenes, but I had never watched them back to back, which made it very obvious. I know, and I call myself a big fan...but there's a difference bewteen a big fan and a film nerd. :)

Anyway, waking up after a long day of bonging, the stoner couple get the munchies and cook popcorn, but then the lights go out. Stoner dude is asked to check the breaker box in the basement (set-up kill scene #2, YES!) and gets electrocuted, but hey, this corrects the light problem. Well, Shelly, returns to the house with a bloody neck, which is perceived as another gag, but this time, it’s for real. Moments later, stoner chick takes a hot poker through the mid-section, and Jason carries off her body, possibly using it later to stage another “discovery” by an unsuspecting victim.

So, this leaves Rick (the Brave) and Chris, but Rick soon dies by a head crushing, and we witness a Lucio Fulci-esque 3D eye popping scene. As Chris struggles to save her life, she manages to escape, not once, but multiple times, and Jason takes a little bit of a beating, not only stabbed, but also hung from a pulley. But, this not-of-this-world killing machine still isn’t dead, and even gives her a Nan Nanny Boo Boo look when he briefly takes off the mask as to say, “Yeah, Bitch, I’m still here, remember me?” But Ali, the presumed dead black biker dude from earlier, reappears, only to get hacked up with a machete. Jason then turns around, and gets an axe to the head by the hands of Chris, forever scarring the iconic thing that has made him feared to this day (the mask).

So, once again, we end with Chris in a canoe on the lake (remember Alice from Part 1), but instead of Jason coming out of the water, he’s seen in the house from afar, still alive, and coming to get his prey. But then, Pam comes out of the lake to restake her claim instead. Yet another dream? Only Chris knows, as she’s hauled away hysterical in a police car, and Jason still lies dead in the barn.

Ya know, I've seen this movie many times, and it's always an enjoyable experience. I can only hope that the 3D in hi-def will be better than the crap I witnessed a few months ago (but I’m not holding my breath). It's a great marketing ploy, but 3D can only really be appreciated on the big screen (right now at least), and I can only imagine how crude the 3D VHS version was. But, that still doesn’t take away from my love for Jason, or this film, and he’s still a badass mofo, whether in 2D, 3D, virtual reality, 4D, or even in space (Jason X). So, three reviews down, but plenty more to go.

ACTING	--3.5--	HUMOR	--2--
BLOOD/GORE	--3--	NUDITY	--1--
CINEMATOGRAPHY	--4--	UNVEILING OF THE MASK	--5--

OVERALL RATING

--4--

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART II

2009-06-06T08:23:00.001-05:00

Buy it now!!

Why doesn’t anyone listen to Crazy Ralph? Is his homeless demeanor or blatant alcoholism such that he just can’t be taken seriously? Or maybe its because we all know he was getting his jollies while peeping during the make out scene. I could give you a review of this movie, but instead I’m going to talk about something that bugs me. Some people say the first Friday the 13th doesn’t “count” because its not Jason. I’ve heard the same argument for 5. Some say that Jason goes to hell doesn’t count because it doesn’t follow the same formula as the others. Some say this one doesn’t fit in because he’s not wearing a hockey mask. To all of you nay sayers I say… SHUTTUP. These are all horrible movies. But horrible in the most entertaining of ways. Whether its skinny dipping scenes or a guy with a gunny sack on his head chasing wannabe counselors, these movies are made to be fun. So maybe Jason is just learning how to be a man monster and doesn’t have a hockey mask yet. He’s still ruthless and this makes me happy.

ACTING	--2--	HUMOR	--2--
BLOOD/GORE	--3--	SCRIPT	--2--
ENJOYMENT	--4--	JASON BADASSNESS	--3--

OVERALL RATING

--3--

Friday the 13th Part 1 (1980)

2009-06-04T23:47:00.013-05:00

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

The year: 1958
The setting: Camp Crystal Lake

From the jump, Friday the 13th doesn’t pull any punches, as it sets the stage for all the films to come. Two camp counselors sneak off to make out, and within the first 4 minutes of film, we get the first kill, and what is believed another to follow, right before the opening title and score.

Now, jump to present day on Friday the 13th, where a girl is looking for camp Crystal Lake (aka Camp Blood) and is warned by the local loony, old man Ralph, that the place she seeks, “has a death curse…and she’ll never come back again.” Well, this rings true, because while she's hitch-hiking to camp, she’s picked up by a jeep, chased through the woods by the driver, and killed.

The other camp counselors, which include a young Kevin Bacon (Jack), and cute redhead Adrienne King (Alice), make their way to camp to help set up. It’s pretty clear that jokester, Neddy, will be one of the first to meet his demise, and he does as the #4 kill. Jack and his girl sneak off to a nearby cabin to do the nasty (boob scene), and when she leaves to take a pee, Jack gets an arrow through his chest/lower neck (from someone lurking under the mattress), and she takes an axe to the head while in the head (bathroom).

Brenda responds to what sounds like a little boy’s cry for help, and goes out in the rain only to get waxed on the archery range. That leaves the camp director, who’s offed within minutes, Alice, and Bill (the Brave). But, it isn’t long before Alice finds Bill dead too, so she barricades herself in her cabin.

She sees a jeep pull up and runs out for help, only to find that her “help” is the killer. If you ask the average Joe who was the killer in the first Friday the 13th, they’d probably say Jason, or the hockey mask guy, but they’d be dead wrong, since it was Jason’s mother, Pam Voorhees, played by TV veteran Betsy Palmer. See, Pam is still distraught and avenging her son’s death, who drowned years earlier while camp counselors weren’t watching. And, it’s pretty clear that Pam has went off the deep end too, as she somewhat assumes the roll of Jason, and even talks to herself in his voice.

But, all her attempts to take out Alice are thwarted, and in the final struggle, Pam’s head is lopped off with a machete. Then, the sympathetic music starts to roll, and we see that Alice has fallen asleep in a canoe while out on the lake. As she wakes, lil Jason comes out of the water and drags her in, but it’s only a dream, as she wakes up hysterical in the hospital and asks if the boy was found. And, the next lines set this up for the sequel:
Officer: “We didn’t find any boy…"
Alice: "Then he’s still there…”

Friday the 13th not only sets up the premise for it’s sequels, but also for many movies to follow. But, I had to wonder what movies might have inspired this one, and I couldn’t think up a single predecessor that had a similar plot. It’s a simple one, yes, but it hadn’t really been done before (that I’m aware of), and Smokeskrene believes the mother/son relationship was taken from Psycho.

After not having watched this for a couple years, it’s pretty tame by today’s standards, and even to it’s follow ups, but it’s still a great watch, and helped set in motion the long FX career of Tom Savini. Once this was released on Blu Ray, I knew I’d have to get it, even though my player is still sitting in the box awaiting it’s hi-def TV counterpart. But, while at the Fangoria convention in Chicago earlier this year, I was able to get it signed by Mr. Savini (as part of my ticket purchase), and I was going to have Ms. King sign it at Texas Frightmare Weekend in Dallas, but just couldn’t justify spending the 20 bucks. My loss, maybe, but I don’t pay for autographs for myself unless it’s a great deal, and preferably a bundle package.

Well, this officially starts the 13 Days of Friday the 13th. I encourage all fans to rewatch them all, and for those just getting on the Jason bandwagon with the new film, go review the originals and see how true FX were done with no CGI enhancements. Trust me, you’ll be in awe by how they pulled some of the things off.

ACTING	--4--	HUMOR	--1--
BLOOD/GORE	--3--	NUDITY	--1--
CINEMATOGRAPHY	--4--	MAKING OF A CLASSIC	--4--

OVERALL RATING

--3.5--

13 Days of Friday the 13th

2009-06-03T20:00:00.010-05:00

So, the Side Show Reviewers have taken on the feat of attempting to review every Friday the 13th movie over the next 13 days, ending on June 16th with the remake/revisioning (Friday the 13th (2009)). Quite a task, yes, impossible, no, plausible, well ummm, we'll see.

All three of us have a fondness of Jason Voorhees, and I'd have to trace mine back my to when I was around 10-12 yrs old. I remember renting Part 5 with my buddy, Scott, who I was staying the night with. We ordered pizza, popped it in the VCR, turned off all the lights, and shut the door to his bedroom. While it was playing, I crept out to go to the bathroom, and when I sneakingly tried to come back in, he got scared and started yelling, "Mom, Kris is trying to scare me." It was some funny shit that still makes me chuckle today, and it definitely sparked "a new beginning" in my fanship of Mr. Voorhees.

But, it probably wasn't until after I started rewatching them over the years, that I realized just how deep my interest (obsession?) was. Out of all of the other slasher genre killers, Jason reigned supreme. Freddy was funny at best, Michael was okay, but got a little boring, and Leatherface was cool, but after TCM3, I questioned where this story was going. Maybe it was my fascination of the hockey mask and/or machette, maybe it was his relentlessness to avenge his mother's death, or simply the creativeness in his emotionless killings, whatever it was, I'm not completely sure, but it seemed like Jason couldn't be stopped and it had me hooked.

So, over the next 13 days (or so), Stalls, Smokeskrene, and I will run down all the films in this franchise. Some reviews may seem more thorough as we each have personal attachments to certain ones, but don't get us wrong, we all love Jason and will try not to disappoint, but do have blasted day jobs to attend to ya know!! So, enjoy the next 13 days of the most world-renowned killer....

(And don't be surprised if you see one or two non-Friday the 13th titles thrown in, since we really are trying to get more posts up, and I have a lot of apologizing to do for lapsed reviews.)

Bad News for Ryko Distribution

2009-05-21T16:29:00.009-05:00

My friend and promo connection, Tony Spinosa, from Ryko Distribution, told me today that his last day is May 29th. Warner Home Video has decided to close Ryko's doors and consolidate them into their other indie label, ADA. Ryko distributed films for Severin, Synapse, Mondo Macabro, Cult Epics, Redemption, Troma, Blue Underground, and many more. It'll be sad to see my friend go, I wish him the best of luck and hope to work with him again soon. Thanks for everything you've done, Tony!!

News article:
Ryko Distribution merged with ADA
25 staffers to lose positions
By Ed Christman, Billboard

April 23, 2009, 07:55 PM ET
NEW YORK -- The Warner Music Group is folding Ryko Distribution into Alternative Distribution Alliance company.

As part of the move, all labels signed to Ryko will be handled by ADA, with the transition expected to occur over the next 45-90 days. Ryko Distribution has annual sales of about $50 million; Billboard estimates the merged company's annual volume at $200 million. In order to accommodate the extra volume, ADA will add 12 people to its staff.

Meanwhile, the 25-person Ryko staff will be laid off, and those staffers can apply for the new ADA jobs, WMG sources say. Ryko Distribution president Jim Cuomo will serve as a consultant.

The Warner Music Group acquired Ryko Distribution in 2006 as part of its $67.5 million acquisition of the Rykodisc label. The label will continue to operate and will now be distributed by ADA. While it is consolidating the two independent distribution companies into one, the WMG still sees the independent sector as a strategic growth area and it is expanding ADA's capabilities, sources say.

In other moves WEA, WMG's major label distribution company, will cut maybe 10 staffers that call on smaller accounts and service those retailers through tele-marketers, sources say. Some back office functions at ADA and WEA will be combined at WEA.

Rise of the Scarecrows (2009)

2009-05-21T02:41:00.022-05:00

Don’t buy it on Amazon.com or anywhere else!!

So, when I saw the title Rise of the Scarecrows, I thought, hey, this could be a great addition to the Scarecrow horror genre. Now granted, there are some real duds out there, but I really liked Scarecrows (1988), Scarecrow (Kakashi) (2001), and even Scarecrow (2002), which was my first introduction to Tiffany Shepis, but with clothes. So, I thought I’d give Rise a whirl.

It starts out with a cute chick hitchhiking on a wooded road in Massachusetts. Luckily for her, the (black) sheriff picks her up (instead of some backwoods maniac), and offers his help, but not before warning her of the dangers of getting in a stranger's car. I’m assuming he was off-duty, since he was driving a Cavalier and not a squad car, but then again, maybe that’s all the podunk county could afford (which sadly happens to be the case). Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing Cavaliers, I had one for 10 years and it did me right, but it definitely wasn't winning any high-speed chases. So, he takes her to the other side of town (like a minute away), draws his weapon, and tells her to get out. Somewhat confused, she wanders into the forest, only to be attacked by something off-screen (loud scream). Hmmm…a scarecrow perhaps???

The new guy in town, Mr. Brown (a heavy set brutha), joins the force as deputy sheriff to get away from the big city police life. But, even in the little city of Adams, woes start to weigh high as the recession hits hard, and rumors of "the scarecrows" start leaking out. The sheriff and his deputy look kinda like a black Laurel and Hardy.

Three dudes are on a road trip, but their “Jap piece of shit” (a Hyundai I believe) breaks down and they have to stay the night at a campground until the local mechanic can help the next day. While searching for a good spot to rest for the night, some dude (another black guy), pops up outta nowhere, and warns them about the scarecrows. He goes on further to tell the ridiculous back story of how the sheriff killed three dudes and then buried them, but they came back with a blood lust...blah, blah, blah.

What follows is a ridiculous movie with a rag-tag cast, who obviously don’t have much acting experience or ability (they looked right at the camera for crying out loud (an acting no-no)), shitty dialog and delivery, crappy editing and camera angles, off-screen kills, and stupid burlap sack wearing scarecrows. The only things that didn’t make it a total waste of time were the one nude scene (nice cha-chas of Amanda Nigro), and the vulgar bluegrass soundtrack. And, I must say, this had more black folks than any other non-black horror movie I’ve ever seen. Not that that's a bad thing, other than the fact that they couldn't act to save their ass, but really surprising. The only person who seemed to have any visible acting training was the sheriff, played by Cedric Howard, someone I'd never heard of before.

Like I’ve mentioned before, I’ve seen a lot of horrible movies (like some, but hate most), and been in one too (in some people’s eyes that is), but this one is really high on the Stink-O-Meter, and not in a bad/good way either. I’ve seen better movies by Brain Damage Films, which some would consider the industry low. But, if you really like crummy movies that stay crummy throughout, this is your bag. I didn't get the feeling that this was supposed to be a campy movie either, and even during the fighting and death scenes, the camera angle is so far off that you see fists and weapons hit nothing but air, yet they seem to knock people down. I'd have just made everyone sign a no-liability waiver so they could punch and kick the shit out of each other (if need be) in order to get a good shot.

So, if you like scarecrow horror, don't watch this movie because it only ruins the reputation of the good ones. But, if you want to scare the crows away, put a copy of this in your field or garden and I’m sure it will do the trick.

Most memorable quote:
“You better shut the fuck up bitch, [or] I’ll knock your teeth all the way down to your ass.”

ACTING	--1--	HUMOR	--2--
BLOOD/GORE	--1--	NUDITY	--2--
EDITING/CAMERA ANGLES	--0--	STINK-O-METER	--5--

OVERALL RATING

--1--

The Exorcist (1973)

2009-05-20T23:00:00.003-05:00

Buy it now!!

The Exorcist, a movie that has gone down in the history of cinema as the crowning jewel of the horror genre. Even the cover itself calls it “The Scariest Movie Of All Time,” Obviously, they are not joking around with this movie. The back of the case quotes Michael Wilmington of the Chicago Tribune as saying “Even better than in 1973. Still a movie that can scare the hell out of us.” With all these things pumping it up I figured the movie would rock. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen it before but this time it was the version I’d never seen, the uncut version of the movie that couldn’t be played in theaters back in the day. I took it to my cousins house we shut off the lights and started it up. I’ll admit that after everything was said and over with, I was slightly let down and here’s why.

Firstly I don’t think I was honestly scared once, maybe I was the first time I saw it, but nothing really freaked me out this time around. And second, I think I watched it in the wrong time frame. This is a movie that came out in 1973 and let’s all be honest, things were different back then. I can imagine that when this movie came out nothing like it had ever been done before and it was a complete shock to everyone that watched it. It might be the fact that I’m watching it over 35 years later, or it could be the fact that I watch some strange movie anyway but nothing caught me as particularly odd or out there. Granted there were some scenes that I can see certain people having issues with, such as the crucifix scene, or some of the things that Linda Blair’s character yells out.

With that said however, there were some things I completely loved about the movie. The scene where she walks down the stairs is great (I don’t want to give anything away if you haven’t seen it). And any time you have a character masturbating with a crucifix while yelling “Fuck Jesus, Fuck You” over and over and then later tells a priest that “Your mother sucks cock in hell” then the movie can’t be all that bad.

Acting: I give it a 5. Linda Blair(although I hear she’s a bitch now) really pulls off the character of Regan quite well. Reverend William O'Malley is great as Father Dyer and the rest of the cast is awesome in their role’s as well.

Humor: Gave it a 3 here. Not a funny movie, but there were scenes that made the laugh just a little. Like the scene with the statue that has been desecrated and the first time that Regan pukes up on someone just tickled me the right way.

Blood/Gore: Maybe it’s the fact I’m part of the new generation of horror movie watchers, but I think there should have been more blood or gore here. There is a part where Regan bleeds out of the mouth and then the part with the crucifix, but other than that not too much going on in this department. Have to give it a 3

FX: No nudity in this movie, but then again who’s really supposed to get naked in a movie like this anyway right? Instead I focused more on the FX used during the film, and again I have to go back to the staircase scene, which I honestly think is one of the greatest FX I’ve seen in a long time, which says a lot when you consider they made this back in 73. That along with the make-up they put Linda Blair in during her late stage of being possessed is simply amazing. Another 5 here.

Cinematography: Really good throughout, except for the scenes where Regan and her mom are talking to the numerous medical officials trying to figure out what her problem is. Maybe it’s the fact most of the rest of the movie is dark compared to this scene, but it just seemed really bright in contrast. Give it a 4 though because the rest of the movie is done so well.

Directing: William Friedkin did an awesome job with this film I must admit. I’ve never read the book or the screenplay, so I’m not sure how close I think he should have been but it was a great job none the less. At least he was willing to go out and make something like this at a time when nothing even close was being done in the world of movies. Unless I’m forgetting some movie that pushed the envelope before this one did, he did an amazing job. I give it a 5

ACTING	--5--	HUMOR	--3--
BLOOD/GORE	--3--	FX	--5--
CINEMATOGRAPHY	--4--	DIRECTING	--5--

OVERALL RATING

--3.5--

WISCONSIN DEATH TRIP

2009-05-09T12:40:00.001-05:00

Buy it now!!

When I was younger I remember reading a Static-X interview where Wayne Static told the story of how they named their first album. He came across a book that was full of newspaper clippings and photo’s about a town that had gone mad. As I was browsing my netflix play now the other day I came across a documentary by the same title. Basically people who settled this area were offered great deals on land. But when they tried to use the land for farming it turned out to be pretty much useless. Depression and sickness settled in along side of poverty. People went mad killing themselves, their lovers and sometimes their children. Children went mad and killed adults. People gained weird obsessions like breaking windows. Other people murdered more people. I think you get the idea. Instead of plaguing you with bad reenactments, the director makes silent black and white reenactments that don’t compromise the integrity of the story by being bad. Having everything narrated instead of poorly acted is a treat. Full of information and very stylishly put together makes this a taste great less filling documentary you have to watch at least once.

NARRATING	--5--	HUMOR	--3--
BLOOD/GORE	--1--	DEATH	--5--
INSANITY	--5--	DIRECTING	--4--

OVERALL RATING