Last House in the Woods (2007)

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Okay, so when I saw the trailer for Last House in the Woods, another entry in the Ghost House Underground series, it screamed Texas Chainsaw Massacre rip-off. Normally, that might steer some people away, but curious me, is always up to see another person/country’s (Italy) take on one of the greatest horror movies of all time. Heck, TCM is the first Blu Ray disc I bought, even before having Blu Ray player, which I do now, but it’s still sitting in the box awaiting it’s high-def TV counterpart, which I’m in no big rush to shell out the cash or credit for.

A family of three are driving home, when they hit glass in the road, and the car goes out of control and hits a tree. Mom and son seem fine, but father is either badly hurt, or dead. Mom runs out in the middle of the road to wave down a car, which hits her dead-on. The driver then stops, gets out, grabs a rock, bashes her head in, and then loads her up and drives away. Meanwhile, little Johnny witnesses it all while hiding in the nearby trees, but then runs to find help.

While Reno and his chick are relaxing on the side of the road after doing the deed, a couple of frat guys come along, beat him up, rob them, and attempt to have her give them oral gratification. Another car (Antonio and his wife) comes along, and Antonio pulls over, rescues the girl (Aurora), and then pulls out his gat and tells the frat boys to scat. Reno and Aurora are then taken to their house, and while Antonio tries to comfort her, his wife doctors Reno. But, just when Antonio makes his move on Aurora, his son, Giullo (pronounced Goolio), comes running around the corner. Immediately, you realize that something isn’t quite right with Giullo, because he appears to have fangs and a blood-like substance around his mouth.

Antonio goes to check on Reno, but then comes back with a syringe and some liquid sure to knock Aurora out. She makes a run for it, and finds Reno tied up in Giullo’s room. She jumps out the window, scales the front gate, and treks down the road in her Converse Cons, while Antonio drives after her. When she sees his car, she b-lines into the woods, and after hearing groaning and growling behind her, she makes tracks again. She stumbles across an RV, which appears to be a savior, but is inhabited by something you may have seen in The Hills Have Eyes, and are Antonio’s kin.

The frat guys run out of gas, and when they pull over, they hear screams and decide to investigate. Aurora is taken back to Antonio’s house, and the frat guys follow, only to pistol whip Antonio with his own gun, and then have their lives taken by “the family.”

The final scenes beg the viewer for compassion, but instead, made me think of After Dark’s movie The Hamiltons, and the little brother they kept locked up. The tie-in with the first of the film, is that the little boy (and his mother), were used as meals for the vampire son. This is where you’ll see one of the most ridiculous props used in a movie. The little boy is still alive, but his arms and legs are severed. Yeah, like I couldn’t tell the kid’s head was coming through the back of the prop and the body was a puppet. In the end, Giullo attacks his mom, and Aurora goes running away.

Really, the only similarities to TCM are a chainsaw and a cannibal family. Had they kept it to just the family of three, it might have been more entertaining, because once the mutants entered the picture, my interest lessened. But, the stand-out scene is where one of the frat guys pops the mutants second neck, a boil-like thing, and like an overdue festered pimple, it explodes all over his face. Quite distasteful, and maybe even puke-worthy for the squeamish, but reminiscent of scenes from Street Trash.

Sure, there are chicks in bras and panties, but even had real nudity been present, it still wouldn’t have saved this flick. One of the cheesiest lines I’ve heard is something to the effect of, “I want you to draw while we make love…” Yeah, like I want my girl to concentrate on something other than me trying to please her. Heck, if that’s the case, I’d have her washing dishes or cooking dinner while I boned her.

Many times, dubbing takes away from a film, and I often wonder how much better it would be reading subtitles. Granted, had this not been dubbed, it probably wouldn’t have made it any better, but I guess GHU thought that the general public would steer away from it, and others in the series, if they were presented in their original language. This just shows how stupid most American’s are when it comes to film watching, like the ones I deal with on a day-to-day basis when it comes to widescreen vs. fullscreen, but that's a whole other blog in itself.

I just have to ask, what’s happened to Italian horror? Once the melting pot of originality, exploitation, and erotica, has now been dumbed down to rehashes, regurgitations, and snoozy cinema. This is another crapper in the GHU series, and I only hope that at least one will be worthy enough to make it into my collection for future viewing, rather than watching, hating, and forgetting. Go pick up some Mario or Lamberto Bava, some Fulci, or Dario Argento instead.

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- SKIN/NUDITY --1-- ORIGINALITY --1-- MEMORABILITY --1--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Cannibal Doctor (1999)

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The reason I like William Hellfire is because of his creativeness, innovation, and ground breaking movies. No really, it's because he was the first to film young, innocent Misty Mundae naked. Yeah, usually his films are amateurish in all aspects, the acting, directing, and plot building are laughable, and there’s plenty of cheese, but never a shortage of nudity, hot chicks, and exploitation.

As part of the Kinky Cannibal (Cannibal Sacrifice) double feature from Alternative Cinema and Factory 2000, we have Cannibal Doctor (1999). Michelle (Misty) comes to see Dr. Ben Orange about a secretary position, and after a thorough examination of her driver’s license, a few personal questions, and a physical examination, she has the job. This is where Misty goes through a normal physical, her weight and blood pressure are taken, her legs and waist are massaged (checking circulation and bone structure), her shirt is lifted to check breathing, and her skirt is removed to further examine her waist, butt, and again her legs. Doc must have a leg fetish! This goes on for what seems like forever, and I had to fast-forward a bit. The whole time, Michelle is nervous, uncomfortable, and oblivious to what may come next.

He then takes her measurements, has her do knee bends, and then asks her to touch her toes, while he stands behind her, admiring the view, and massaging her breasts. He then asks her to sit on the table, while he steps in the next room, fills a syringe, and returns and sticks her with it. This puts her in a very relaxed state where he can examine her further, first by removing more clothing, then massaging her feet, and just when he's about to make it to her honey pot, his wife, Dr. Margaret (Tina Krause), busts in, shooes him out, and makes her get dressed.

She then leads drunken Misty to another room, disrobes her (all but her panties), and lays her on a bed. She runs an electric massager up and down her body, removes her drawers, and then pours baby oil on her and rubs it in. Meanwhile, Mr. Orange watches through a window in the door, while Misty’s hairy muff steals the scene. He then re-enter the room to set up the equipment, but quickly exits. Mrs. Orange ties her to the bed, gives the signal, and the machine is turned on to cook her. Misty struggles and screams, but the result is a cannibal meal fit for two.

Mr. Orange offers his wife an after dinner drink, which must have had the same concoction in it as the syringe, because it knocks her out. He then takes her to “the room,” strips her naked (all but the panties), ties her to the bed, and then cooks her too, along with Michelle’s brain. This causes the two to fuse, and his wife becomes his new secretary. Thus, another Bill Hellfire film complete.

I have a couple of groans about this movie. One, a plot oh too familiar to Torture in Satan’s Rape Clinic (see my review), too many drawn out scenes, and an ending that wreaks of Hellfire genius, or should I say, stupidity? I’ve praised Big Will before, because I do think he was ahead of his time in certain aspects and did try to revive that 70’s grindhouse feel, not to mention spawning the career of the iconic Misty Mundae, but too many times, his stories lack depth, atmosphere, and creativity, and the only reason one would watch them, me included, is because of Misty (and the other ladies). So, Will, kudos to you for convincing these ladies to get naked on film, and allowing us to enjoy them too.

The next feature in the set is Dinner For Two (2000), which I will review at a later date, since I have to take his films in stride. For die hard fans of Misty, this is a must-have DVD, but keep the remote handy, like in your other hand, so you can quickly get to the parts you want, without wasting time on the rest.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --0-- NUDITY --3-- MISTY’S ACTING --3-- GUILTY PLEASURE --3--

OVERALL RATING --2.5--

No Man's Land: The Rise of Reeker (2007) aka Reeker 2

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So, you may have heard the hype over Ghost House Underground’s 8 films, which are similar to After Dark Horrorfest’s 8 Films to Die For, and also distributed by Lionsgate, but without theatrical support. I had high hopes for these films, knowing that there would be a few duds, and there were. Brotherhood of Blood sucked, Sid Haig and Ken Foree with fake fangs—stupid!, The Substitute is Denmark’s take on The Faculty, with very little variation, and Dark Floors features Horror Metal group Lordi, which seemed like an extension of their videos. None of these impressed me, and after reviewing trailers for the others, I decided to pass on Room 205, at least for now, and zone in on the other 4, starting with No Man’s Land: The Rise of Reeker.

This you saw in the trailer, but our story begins with a bald dude, who kind of looks like Powder with glasses and hat, driving on a desert road. He stops to pick up a drifter, and while chatting, a comment is made about the Death Valley Drifter, so seeming unsure of his initial intent, he leaves the guy hanging and drives away. About a block up, he stops and decides to back up, but not to let the guy in, but to run him over. With his half-mangled body on the pavement, he then drives forward, stops his front tire on his chest, and then takes his tongue as a souvenir. It just so happens that when he drives past a motorcycle cop, his hubcap, drenched in blood, goes rolling off it’s wheel. So, Johnny Law follows him to his carcass shack and attempts to arrest him, but after cuffing him, and then going back outside to get a breath of fresh air (from the smell of rotting body parts), he comes back in to see that he’s sawed off his hand (still in the cuff) and is nowhere to be seen. But, Kojak lets Mr. Deputy take him in, and after some psychoanalysis, where he claims he hears voices, he’s taken to the gas chamber.

Apparently, the gas chamber acted as teleporter, because Powder is transported back to his dwelling. Now, 30 years later, he resurfaces, but not before there’s a shoot out between two casino robbers and the sheriff, an explosion, and a fake hostage situation. There’s also some kind of invisible barrier that keeps them from getting out, and so The Reeker continues to dismember bodies in his shack, plinking them off one by one. One thing’s for sure, when you smell the funk, something’s about to go down.

Of course, the story ends setting it up for another one, which could be the Reeker, since this could act as a prequel, or No Man's Land 2: The Fall of Reeker aka Reeker 3. Some ridiculous CGI took away from this flick, but with a few moments of humor, like when a plastic bag is placed over a guys head wound, or should I say, the top of his head and nose were gone, and when the cop tries to get through the barrier, and takes a running start and barrels into it, only to fall to the ground in failure, and when the lower half of a guy's body goes running away from a motel room. These were the highlights of the film, since the kill and gore scenes weren’t great, there was no nudity, and the character development was neither interesting, nor necessary.

There were several unexplained and far-fetched things too, like why would you put your hand in an overflowing toilet full of bloody water, or why would you plunge into a pool of poopy water, unless maybe your life depended on it, or why would some old dude in a hospital gown be hanging out at a desert-side motel? I just had to say WTF, yeah right, and NFW (out loud) when I saw this.

If you liked the Reeker, and were dying to tie up the loose ends, this is an okay feature, and is about as entertaining as the first, that is, minus one blind dude (who played in My So-Called Life). But, if you prefer a movie that doesn't seem to cater to a tween crowd, esp. with the ending, try your luck at Dance of the Dead, Last House in the Woods, or Trackman.

ACTING --2.5-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- NUDITY --0-- CGI --2-- REEK-ER-RIFIC --2--

OVERALL RATING --2.5--

Bryan Loves You (2007)

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Bryan Loves You begins with a foreword by Tony (Candyman) Todd who warns us about the brutal scenes to follow. What we see next is a somewhat odd scene where everyone in a classroom, except the teacher (Linda), puts on the same mask while the Pledge of Allegiance plays across the PA. A fire alarm then goes off, and while all the students are vacating, one of them bites the teacher on the arm.

Nicole and Jonathan, friends of Linda, go to her house to see what’s up, and find that something just doesn’t seem right, including a videotape of Linda playing on the TV. Linda, hiding in the shadows, then charges them, and Nicole knocks her in the head with a fireplace poker, accidentally killing her. We also see camcorder footage where Jonathan and friends are being interviewed, but their names and addresses are bleeped out. I’m guessing it was done to supposedly protect the innocent, but the more bleeps I heard, the more annoying it got, and I wanted to kick the shit out of the TV.

To help validate their suspicion, Jonathan attends the wake for Linda, held by the The Bryans, while Nicole waits outside recording any dialog that might take place. Some of the cult members find her, abduct her, and then later convert her. And, Jonathan is tricked into going to the mental institution, where instead of interviewing someone, is committed and locked up, supposedly under his mother's orders. But, after a short stint, he's broken out by a guy he’d met earlier, one of the few to evade the cult's influences. Their plan is to leave town, but Jonathan first wants to tell Nicole goodbye, and when he knocks on her door, the movie ends.

My first thought was WTF? To be honest, no matter how shotty this film was, I felt slighted. There were already so many things that were unanswered, and even with a ridiculous performance by George Wendt (Norm from Cheers), and cameos from Tiffany Shepis and Brinke Stevens, it left me scratching my head in disbelief. Granted, I haven’t lost any sleep over it, but wanted to punch the director in the face for ending it the way he did. It’s not like there will be a Bryan Loves You 2 to help explain the loose ends, and even if there was, who would watch it? So, don’t waste your time on this piece of crap, and if I were Todd Terry, I’d be ashamed to attach my name to it.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --0--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Five Across the Eyes (2006)

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Five girls do a hit and run in a parking lot. The driver of the hit vehicle catches up with them, and by gunpoint, makes them strip. She goes further by having one of them pee on her clothes, and then she takes the keys to their truck and leaves.

Traumatized by the event, the girls try to gain their composure and use the spare key to head home. Up the road, they run into her again, and are chased. Trying to deter her, they throw items out of the window, including a handful of crap, which hits the windshield, obstructs her vision, and she has to pull over. The girls stop too to see what happens, and when the crazy chick bum rushes the truck, they hit her, and then push her car into the nearby trees. But, like the energizer bunny, this bitch keeps coming back to terrorize and inflict pain and death. In the end, the girls (that are left) gang up on her, repeatedly stab her, and then set her on fire.

I walked away from this not knowing if I liked it, hated it, or was merely indifferent. One thing I can say is that there was over an hour of crying and screaming teenage girls which wore on me early on. There wasn’t any nudity, but glimpses of flesh that might satisfy any perv with a little imagination. The acting was so-so, the picture quality kept going from descent to camcorder quality, and the few scenes that seemed to be thrown in for mere exploitation, didn’t really add anything to the story. This film didn’t really add anything new to the genre either, but was decent enough to hold my attention. Then again, maybe that's just because I kept trying to figure out what hell the girls kept screaming about. If you like films that borderline kiddie softcore, a better film to watch is Don’t Deliver Us From Evil from Mondo Macabro. And, after feeling a little guilt, pop in Salo: 120 days of Sodom to top it off.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- NUDITY --1--

OVERALL RATING --2--

The Chilling (1989)

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The setting: Universal Cryogenics Laboratory
The plot:

Eileen Davenport's last request was to have her body cryogenically frozen upon death. This is fulfilled, and then six months later on Halloween Day, Joe and his goons try to rob a bank, but it doesn't go as planned. The goons are shot and killed, but Joe takes one to the chest and is rushed to the hospital. Come to find out, Joe is a Davenport, and his father arranges to have him cryogenically frozen too per his mother's request.

An overly flirtatious Mary (Linda Blair), who works as the PR for the lab, offers to help Mr. Davenport in any way she can. Unbeknownst to her, the doctor is selling the patients internal organs on the side. When Mr. Davenport goes to see his son to pay his last respects, and the doctor sends him to a different pod than originally assigned (keep in mind, all the bodies are wrapped in a foil-like bodybag, so you can't see their face), Mary feels that something isn’t right, but can't quite put her finger on it. A storm rolls through and lightning hits the main power unit at the lab causing an outage. The lead security guard decides it's best to move the pods outside until the power company arrives, so there is less chance of them thawing. Lightning then strikes the cryo pods, and out comes the freezer burnt occupants hellbent on killing anyone in their path.

After running for their lives, and a few lives taken, they realize that the only way to stop them is to refreeze them. So, they hook up a hose to a tank of liquid nitrogen, blast them, and escape, but soon they thaw, and continue their rampage. Luckily, the same source that started the problem, helps extinguish it, as lightning once again strikes the facility, catches everything on fire, and destroys all the cryonoids and pods. But, like an episode from Tales from the Crypt, it ends with one of the cryofreaks driving away unsuspectedly.

Realistically, this is a zombie movie, and a lame one at that. When the cryopods started opening, the first thing I thougt of was Tarman from Return of the Living Dead, which I recommend watching instead. But, it wasn’t all bad, and the coolest kill, alhough still pretty tame, was when one of the zombies gets speared by a forklift, is raised off the ground, and then transported.

The acting was mediocre, and not that she’s ever been a great actress, but even Linda Blair sucked. The gore FXs are so-so at best, the story was less than compelling, and to go along with the 80’s controversy over genetic research and cryogenics, this helps fuel the argument (although quite far-fetched) as to what could go wrong if research and experimentation continued. It's probably not something I'd watch again, unless it was on cable and I had nothing better to view, and I'm finding more and more how finicky my tastes are. I'm really struggling to find what will be his year's movie pick (last year was Antibodies), as I have yet to see anything that really moved me, but also have yet to watch Wizard of Gore or Mother of Tears, which are both hopefuls, but from Dimension Extreme, so you know my reservations. But, as we approach the critical month (October) where horror will be plentiful, I can only hope there's at least one gem in the slew of new or retro-releases that will do some justice, and maybe the 8 films from Ghost House Underground will give a good run. So, we wait and see...

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- SEX/NUDITY --1-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --2-- DIRECTING --2--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Killer's Delight (1978)

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With a cover like this, how could my interest not be sparked? Killer’s Delight aka The Sports Killer aka The Dark Ride, starts out with a guy taking a naked dead chick out of his Ford truck and throwing her over the edge of a cliff. Her body is later found by an old man and his grandson. Detective De Carlo is assigned the case, and figures out that since all the deaths happen within miles of the local swimming pool, that all the victims must be scoped out there, and then are picked up as they walk home, and killed.

Anne, an employee at the pool, is next on the list. When her car won’t start, he offers her ride, but doesn’t stop at a phone as planned. Instead, he drives to a remote site, knocks her unconscious, and tries to have his way with her. She wakes up, claws his eyes, and makes tracks, but he catches and kills her. Yet another girl is picked up in the killer’s van, and is bound and gagged (photo opp for the DVD cover). He picks up two more chicks, a blonde and brunette (no favoritism I guess), and after he drools over the brunette's fake boobs, he breaks one of her fingers, and then breaks her arm (off camera). The killer’s chosen method of death is neck breaking.

The murders continue and De Carlo tries to set him up, but it backfires, and the chick gets killed too. Come to find out, he kills the girls so they don’t become like his mother, the verbally abusive bitch who killed his father (all women are the devil you know).

I read that this was inspired by the Ted Bundy murders, but I saw small similarities to Last House on the Left (1972), except they were way less dramatic or entertaining. Shriek Show has been hit and miss on what they pick up for distribution. Sure, dramatic covers will get your attention, but the movies usually don’t deliver. Not that it’s really their fault, but when you compare their catalog to other independents like Blue Underground, their quality of titles are pretty sparce. And, as I’ve mentioned before, Shriek Show has been really successful in reissuing 3-packs of their old titles at a bargain price, and I’ve picked up several, even after selling off some of the individuals prior to, but I can only hope that they will continue to be selective in their title list and stay true to their release schedule, which has plagued them severely over the last few years.

If you want a movie you can watch while doing other things, Killer’s Delight will definitely be good for that, but if you want sleazy entertainment as the cover would suggest, watch Last House on the Left or House on the Edge of the Park.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --0-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --1-- SNOOZEABILITY --4-- CREATIVITY --1--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Killing Gene aka WAZ (2006)

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The latest release for Dimension Extreme is Killing Gene aka WAZ or W Delta Z. I’d seen a lot of buzz around this title on the international circuit and advertisements through horror magazines like Rue Morgue and Gorezone. So, to see that Dimension got it was both a happy and precautious feeling. Sure, I’d get to see what all the rage was about, but again, knowing the titles that D.E. has released had me at odds. But, with Rogue being much better than Triloquist or Steel Trap (no review given because it was so lame), I had hope that maybe Killing Gene would be better. And, in looking at their future release schedule, they’ve secured the remake to Wizard of Gore (out Aug. 19th), as well as Dario Argento’s Mother of Tears, Zombie Diaries (another title with international buzz), and Feast 2.

This film starts out with a couple of detectives responding to a homicide where they find a pregnant woman, girlfriend of Wesley Smith, who not only died by electrocution, but has WAZ carved into her baby-pooched belly. So, they search for Wes, but he's found hanging dead in a crack house. At the autopsy, both bodies are found to have the same tranquilizer in their blood, so the hunt ensues.

Helen (Melissa George) is the more logical, uncorruptable, yet more intimidated cop, while Eddie (Stellan Skarsgard) is the hard-ass, up in your face, don’t give a shit type. Both seem to compliment one another in their search for the killer.

Another body dead is found with WAZ carved on the stomach, so the source of the tranquilizer is investigated further, which leads to a Dr. Gelb. While questioning the doctor, they see a W Delta Z equation on his chalkboard, and during the distraction, the doc is able to get a shot off at Eddie with a tranq gun and flee. On the run, but caught, the Dr. claims that he sold some of the tranquilizer to a couple of college students, and even though he's the prime suspect, he did not commit the murders.

Come to find out, the people being killed were involved or associated with people involved in a rape case which Eddie investigated, and all who were tried, got off. So, in vigilante-style justice, the rape victim, Jean (Selma Blair), comes back to get her own revenge and plinks them off one by one.

As the story progresses and the hunt for Jean continues, the body count rises, and we find out just how deep-rooted Eddie and the others are. In the end, Jean tranquilizes Eddie and puts him in an electric chair across from Danny, an accomplice to the rape, and Eddie's sexual partner. (This where I thought the plot spread thin and the twist went lame.) So, she cuts off Eddie’s penis, and when he requests to be killed, she cuts his throat while Danny watches, and then turns herself in. The back story is, she thought Eddie really cared for her, even after the rape case collapsed, but then she saw Danny and Eddie together, so she knew why justice hadn’t been served, and took it upon herself to do so.

From what I gather, WAZ aka The Killing Gene boils down to this: What would you do for love, how far would you go for it, and would you kill and/or die for it?

There were traces of Seven, Silence of the Lambs, and even a little Saw (WAZ is pretty much SAW backwards), but it wasn't as well executed or as interesting as those it borrowed from. So, I just had to say, WAZ-up? with this movie, and what was the point in doing the whole homosexual and interracial relationship (Danny was a black dude) twist? Sure, it had potential to be a much better movie, had it not possessed so many elements from other like it, and then end on a lame note, but it was also more of a crime drama, rather than a horror movie. Even some episodes of CSI have more violence and gorier footage than this. But, I do like Selma Blair, it just really depends on the movie if I have an attraction to her, and even though she was bent over a couch butt-naked, it still didn’t do anything for me, and, it wasn’t just because she was getting raped. She just didn't possess that extra something like she had in Hellboy, Cruel Intentions, or Sweetest Thing.

So, I’m still not sure what the buzz around this movie is all about, and probably will never give it a second watch, but am looking forward to the other titles Dimension Extreme has to offer in the near future.

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- NUDITY --2-- CREATIIVITY --3-- THE ENDING --1--

OVERALL RATING --2.5--

Belly 2: Millionaire Boyz Club (2006)

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Once Dr. Dre’s protégé, and now another rapper turnt actor, The Game takes on the sequel to Nas and DMX’s Belly. Penning his name as executive producer, and doing a follow-up to a movie that has gained cult status in the hip-hop community is quite a big feat, so did The Game pull it off?

The Game plays Reggie “G” Bailey, a convict who gets released after doing 8 years in the pen. Although he has good intentions of keeping his nose clean, he’s unable to find work, and the streets keep calling him back. Him and his partna, Tone, jack a rival dude, Amp, for his money, dope, and ice cream truck. This inflames a long-standing beef where there’s way too many people involved, including a crooked cop. No big surprise here as we’ve seen this scenario many times, heck, just watch an episode of The Wire and you’ll see how shit gets deep quick.

So, G pistol whips Amp, and takes one of his boys, Rock (played by WC), to join his crew. With Amp out of the way, there’s one less n*gga to worry about, but the dope that was jacked wasn’t his, but a much bigger drug lord. So, a chick from the DEA goes undercover and hooks up with G, trying to learn his next move, and eventually bring him down. Problem is, she gets caught up in some thug lovin, and then real emotions start to surface. In the end, pretty much everyone gets blasted, except for G, who decides it best to roll solo and lays his girlfriend to rest.

There really wasn’t anything great about this movie, except for the soundtrack. Sure, there were some brown boobies, some thuggin, some slangin, some shootin, and The Game “doin him,” but this is yet another sequel that rode the shirt tails of a much better movie, when it’s actually a much lamer stand-alone. But, rather than mimic the title it holds, there were noticeable elements of Menace II Society, Friday, and a tad of Boyz in the Hood, just not as exciting. In doing further research, I believe that Lionsgate tacked on the title Belly 2 for marketing purposes, since The Game refers it as just Millionaire Boyz Club in all the interviews. But still, it’s good to see WC get more screen work, even though he didn’t crip walk, and had a pretty lame part. The only humorous part is when G makes a mention of G-Unit, which was an obvious on-screen stab at his long-standing feud with 50 Cent, and shows there's no bounds to his hate.

For those who liked Master P’s I’m Bout It, Cash Money’s Baller Blockin’, or Snoop’s Tha Eastsidaz, you'll probably like this one too, but for true fans of Belly, New Jack City, and Colors, you'll probably hate this as much as I did, since most of the newer movies that cater to this genre suck. So, instead of wasting your time watching The Game try to act out what he raps, go watch the movies that paved the way like Dolemite, Foxy Brown, The Mack, and Shaft. And, in honor of the late, great Isaac Hayes, go watch Truck Turner and I’m Gonna Git You Sucka.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --2-- ORIGINALITY --1-- DROPPING THE N-BOMB --4--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Rogue (2007)

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My first thought was, Oh crap, another crocodile/alligator movie, which will probably suck like Croc and Primeval did, my second thought was, Oh, but it’s released by Dimension Extreme, so, it will probably suck like Croc and Primeval did.

Crocodile/Alligator movies are okay, I liked Lake Placid 1&2 and have a copy of Black Water, but haven’t watched it, and I remember the 80’s flick Alligator, my first introduction to the horror sub-genre. But, there have been a slew of others that are less than memorable and only wanted to cash in on the water-beast fame, so why would I expect anything different from this one?

Rogue is set in the Northern Territory of Australia, which has lush greenery, photo-worthy wildlife, and long flowing rivers. Several tourists, along with Marty, a travel writer, board Ryan’s Wildlife River Cruise to view the sites and local wonders. During their ride, they see several crocs, beautiful scenery, and many river-side sites worthy of a picture in National Geographic.

The moment Marty boards the boat, there seems to be a connection with his tour guide, Katie, and they pass flirtatious glances during the ride. The trip seems pretty tame, even with a small altercation with a couple of local troublemakers, until Katie decides to respond to a flare that’s seen by one of the passengers. So, the barge steams ahead, and while looking for someone in need, it's struck by a large croc, causing it to spring a leak and dock on the nearest bank. It's quickly learned that the tide is rising, and what land they’re on will soon be submerged, so the plan is to swim to the other side, but wait, there’s a friggin huge croc out there. Despite that, one guy gets in the water ready to make a break for it, but is stopped by another, who gets snatched up by the water beast. The troublemakers from earlier come by, and rather than help, they drive by without a care, but their boat is attacked too, and Neil is the only to make it to shore.

The plan to get across is quickly seconded, so Neil takes the plunge and strings a rope between two trees so everyone can cross without getting in the water. The first person to go freezes midway, and although only so much weight can be supported, in panic, a father sends his daughter and decides to follow. Needless to say, the rope breaks, and all go plunging into the water. Neil is consumed while waiting for the others, and Mr. Crocodile returns to the water to take another life. Running Death Toll: 4.

Marty decides, Hey, let’s catch this fucker, and then we can make a break for it. But, what do we use for bait...maybe Katie’s dog, Kevin? So, they rig up a rope fishing line using an anchor as a hook, life jackets as bobbers, and dead foul for bait. (And you thought he’d use the pooch, shame on you!) Plan seems to go well as Mr. Croc takes the bait, but after a short struggle, he breaks away and takes Kate under while she’s trying to get across. Marty and Kevin makes it to the other side, and like Lassie would diligently try to find Timmy, Kevin runs to find Kate, who’s found in the nook of a large tree, badly hurt, but still alive.

Mr. Croc returns home (to his tree) exhausted after a long days work and falls asleep. Marty sees the prime time to boogie out of here, but not before one more battle with Jaws. Marty gets a couple of fingers bitten off, but manages to get away, and then braces himself against a rock with a sharp branch in-hand, and gouges the croc right through the roof of his mouth when he tries to bite him. Death toll: 4 people, one croc, and some birds. Marty, Katie, and Kevin exit the croc's dwelling and live happily ever after.

Surprisingly, this movie didn’t suck, and although it isn’t the greatest croc story ever told, it offered beautiful landscapes, thick Australian accents, tons of flies, and some decent crocodile carnage. And, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m kind of fond of Australian movies since my twin brother, Kelly, lives there. So, there’s a scene at the beginning where Marty stops at a bar for a drink, and the bartender puts a dead fly in it before serving it to him. Kelly told me once that Aussie’s really didn’t like Americans, and they call them Seppos, short for septic tank, or shit. But, also according to my sibling, if Aussies like you, they may call you the same thing. I guess it’s an Australian thing because even though I have some shitty friends, and may say Hey, Shithead, how’s it going?, or You’re so full of shit!, I don’t usually tend to associate my friend-base with the stuff I leave in the toilet. But, those crazy Aussies, their toilets flush backwards, so maybe do their thoughts.

Not a bad movie, but don’t expect anything that hasn’t already been done. And, even though there seemed to be growth by the director, Greg McLean, who also directed Wolf Creek, it seems he'll tap into any genre in order to help put Australia on the map. But, a croc feature makes sense since it's a subject that's so close to home. Heck, he can't be outshined by the Kiwis (Peter Jackson), so he's gotta try something. If you like gator movies, it’s worth a watch, but if you'd rather see pretty scenery with less bloodshed, watch Planet Earth, National Geographic, Crocodile Hunter, or Crocodile Dundee.

ACTING --4-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- NUDITY --0-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --4-- THE CROC --2--

OVERALL RATING --3--

American Zombie (2007)

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“We’re here, we’re dead, get used to it.”

Revenant, walking dead, the undead, zombie, whatever you wanna call them, they populate our towns and are here to stay.

Ivan is a zombie who works at a mini-mart, writes a zine, and lives with his zombie friend (friend spoken loosely), Glenn, an uptight artist. Ivan has a human girlfriend, Monique, who works at a pharmacy and gets him his daily dose of the blue cocktail, a liquid-filled vile that isn’t fully explained, but seems to help suppress the urge to feed.

John Solomon, a filmmaker, and Grace Lee, an acclaimed documentarian, decide to make a film on the zombie population in their L.A. community. John wants the grit and grim of zombie life, while Grace takes a more compassionate and heart-felt approach.

Judy, a high-functioning zombie, works for Healthful Bounty, a company that makes health bars and energy drinks. She likes cats and has plenty of feline memorabilia, but is allergic to the real thing, so doesn't own one. She obsessively loves scrapbooking, and does it to commemorate almost every event in her life. She doesn't see herself as part of the walking dead, and wants nothing more than to get married and be accepted as a human.

Joel, the founder of ZAG (Zombie Advocacy Group), helps fellow zombies during their transition, and then their re-integration into society through job placement. His organization fights for zombie rights and acceptance.

Lisa is a very eccentric zombie who works at a floral shop and dearly wants to remember her past. She continually looks for happiness and a “quiet place” through her string art, zen gardens, and walking through graveyards.

Frank Valesco, a private investigator and zombie exterminator, is often hired by families to search for missing loved ones. In doing so, if he finds them to be part of the undead, he's often asked to "take care" of them too. The most humorous part of the movie is when Frank shows his extermination techniques. A bat, a shovel, a car, almost anything will do as long as it does the job quickly.

Joel and staff are permitted to attend Live Dead, an annual all-zombie get together, and although it looks like a fairly normal event, some things just don’t add up. On the final night, they witness what they believe to be a human sacrifice fed to the zombie mass, so they pack their stuff up and haul ass outta there. When questioned about it, Joel and Ivan pawn it off as a stage performance, but fearing for their lives, John wants to quickly wrap up the project. Grace, however, would like to get some closing shoots, and when they visit Judy one last time, she attacks and bites John. Not knowing what else to do with the body, but knowing that he'll probably turn, Grace leaves him on ZAG’s doorstep.

This is a nice angle on the zombie genre, which sets it apart from the normal Romero-inspired crap I see month after month. Remember, I didn’t care for Diary of the Dead, and although I have respect for what George has done, I think he may no longer have anything to offer the genre he helped create. American Zombie doesn't use blood and gore as it's focal-point, although there's a small glimpse of it in there, but is more along the lines of the movie They Came Back, focusing on character depth and zombie integration, rather than containment and annihilation. Don't get me wrong, I do like zombie "kill" films, but have seen so many crummy ones that my expectations are pretty low when a new one comes out.

So, watch American Zombie AND They Came Back (highly recommended), but be on the lookout for two films which I highly anticipate, Shock-O-Rama’s Necroville, and one that deals with other kinds of monsters, Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer.

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --0-- STORYLINE --3-- CHARACTER DEPTH --3--

OVERALL RATING --3--

Lost Boys 2: The Tribe (2008)

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The long-awaited follow-up to the classic vampire movie, Lost Boys, just hit shelves this week in hopes of rejuvenating a new generation of fans. It’s been 20 years since the original was introduced, and although it's still viewed on the big screen and has a huge cult following, Lost Boys 2 (The Tribe) had a direct-to-DVD release.

This story opens with a group of surfers intruding on someone’s beach front property. This someone is Tom Savini, and when he comes out to flex his muscle and shows his fangs, he’s rudely ripped apart and beheaded by a new generation of blood suckers. The core story revolves around Chris and his sister, Nicole, whose mother passed away, so they decide to move to a friend's rental property and become the new meat in town.

While hanging out at the pier, Chris meets fellow ex-surfer, Shane, who appears out of nowhere, and invites him to a party. This party has lots to offer: breakdancing, boobies, drinks, bellydancing, and fellow surf rivals. While Chris is preoccupied with the bellydancer chick in the shower, Shane runs his game on Nicole, who decides to take a ride on his motorcycle. Chris hears screaming, so he abandones his sexual interlude, even after some tempting persuasion not to, to find his sister. There, he finds Nicole with Shane, and after a short altercation where Shane's nose gets bloodied, they head home.

Enter-Corey Feldman, aka Edgar Frog, surfboard shaper and vampire hunter, who comes to save the day when Nicole has her first vampire spell. So, how’d she become a vampire when there was no bite? It’s because she drank the blood of the head vampire from a flask thinking it was booze. Might I add, this is possibly the most ridiculous performance Corey has done. Sure, dude’s probably hurting for money, but to partake in insulting a legacy he helped create (unknowingly, I'm sure, since maybe he thought it was a good script, or just needed the loot), is a shame.

So, since his sister is on her way to vampirehood, and dating the head dude, Chris battles with the idea of becoming one too (isn't peer pressure a bitch), and gets his chance on a night out with the boys. But, while the others are sweet talking their chicks around a fire, and then decide to feed on them, Chris can't make the same commitment, and tries to help his flee. Enter-Corey Feldman, and POOF, the vampires disappear.

This pretty much brings us to the finale, where Chris and Edgar go to save Nicole, but rather than bore you with the details, in short, the vampire clan is extinguished, Shane loses his head, and Chris and Nicole return home, blood-drenched and exhausted. And, as if Corey's one-liners weren't enough, a final attempt at humor is made when the landlady claims she knows what has been going on, and it has marajuana written all over it.

The acting is pretty ridiculous, and with no real emotion. When Chris finds out that his sister is a half-vampire, he doesn’t freak out, doesn’t say any choice 4-letter words, and doesn’t seem worried, but just appears to accept it, and heads home. I’m sure I’d be the total opposite, and although I’d be curious as to what my sister had become, I’d try to steer away, and be in constant turmoil over if I had to take her life, could I do it? The attempted humor in dialog and antics (hey, let’s stab each other and film it) is less than laughable too. I have to wonder if this was even a true attempt at a sequel, since if one had never seen the original, this could easily be a stand-alone movie.

There were only a couple of scenes where the gore impressed me, one, when the vampire starts hacking up blood and other colorful bodily fluids, and two, when the black vampire gets jack-hammered. In multiple scenes, the gore is way overdone, and even exhaustive, like intestines being ripped out, or falling out after being stabbed. Of course, much of the FX were done using CGI, which I’m not a big fan of, unless done well, and believable, which is not the case here.

My Side Show partner, Smokeskrene, said that he thought this is one of the movie scripts that was plagued by the writers guild strike. I haven't done any research to support this claim, but even if that’s the case, then it’s still no excuse for this embarrassing follow-up, since they’ve had 20 years to come up with a better concept. So, instead, it gets lumped in with the other new vampire movies that really suck. I really like the Blade movies, but not the Blade series (Sticky Fingaz in place of Wesley, yeah, right!), and there’s only a couple of vampire flicks in the last few years that are noteworthy. 30 Days of Night is one, and then a lesser known one called Rise: Vampire Hunter with Lucy Liu. So, I suggest you rent or buy those instead, and just remember, you can always tell the hokiness of a vampire flick by the first glimpse of the kind of fangs used. If they’re the tired-ass ones you’ve seen time and time again, or look like the ones you buy for 99 cents at Halloween, immediately take the disc out of your player, and demand a refund from wherever you got it.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --2.5-- NUDITY --3-- LOST BOYS TITLE-WORTHY --0-- COREY FELDMAN --0--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Amateur Porn Star Killer 2 (2008)

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Warning: This review contains explicit language, read at your own risk (of liking)!! If you are easily offended, please skip to the next review.

If you remember, I bashed Amateur Porn Star Killer pretty hard, stating that even Brain Damage Films, The Great American Snuff Film was better. Well, I decided to give the franchise another try, knowing and hoping that even though the sequel was also filmed with no budget and on a handheld camera, it had to be better than the first. And hey, I got it as a freebie, so how could I go wrong? APSK2 comes as a 2-disc set which offers the dumbed-down "Movie" version or the “Snuff” version. Once again, my initial thought was, great marketing, but just how deceiving might it be?

So, being the degenerate I am, I went right for the Snuff version. The film pretty much follows the same premise: The hunt, the stalk, the proposal, the act, the aftermath. Once again, lots of sleep-worthy dialog and storyline with flashback hardcore scenes thrown in. The victim continually teases the cameraman, which causes him to get pissed off, aggressive, and violent. At first, she playfully seems to like it, but then realizes it ain't no joke. After a little fooling around, she tries to make a break for it, but is coaxed back for more sexcapades, where he then chokes her to death and continues to have his way with her. Dude really seems to like dead lays, ehhh, to each his own I guess.

Yeah, there’s a lot of crap to weed through, and like the first, it could have been trimmed down a little, but it still offers full blown T&A, the 3-P’s (the first two P's are words for the male and female genetalia, and the third is when they come together), and even a little oral. Not to mention, the lead actress (Kai Lanette) is nice looking, has a naughty little body, and also has that innocent, yet slutty quality. By far, this film is a lot better than the first, yet still not a masterpiece, and is a must-have for sexual deviants (like my boy Scotty G in the N-Y).

Good thing is, they’ve already started filming #3, and for a mere 50 bucks, you can get your name tacked on as Executive Producer, although you'll hold no creative rights. And, I hear it'll be a 3-disc set, with each version even raunchier than the other, plus they’re working on a 3-D version and using real porn stars. WOW, now that’s great marketing, and even a bigger bang (literally, we hope) for your buck! But still, I have mixed feelings about using porn stars, since for me, the realer the chick, the better. So, we wait and see what Mr. Ryan can deliver.

Thanks to Ana for getting my name on the promo list, I expect big things from APSK3, and hope you can get me a copy of it too. :)

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --4-- SNUFFNESS --3-- DIRECTING --2--

OVERALL RATING --3--

The Stitcher (2007)

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While attending the Texas Frightmare Weekend last summer, I kept seeing a trailer for this movie before each screening. So yeah, it looked a little hokey, even amateurish, but you know me, always the sucker for those kinds of flicks. So, it became available on Netflix last Fall, but was checked out for the longest time (guess I’m not the only sucker), so after a very long wait, it recently came and here’s my take on it.

The premise and storyline are familiar and simple, a group of friends meet at a lake house and are terrorized by something they can’t quite explain. Some people die, some escape, but in the end, the monster is still alive, leaving it open for a sequel.

Like many movies of this caliber, I'll give the writer, director, and producer a pat on the back for trying, but there wasn’t a single thing that made me want to ever watch it again. And, just because there’s a lot of cleavage and chicks in bras and bikini tops, doesn’t mean it’ll be a good movie, granted, the eye candy was a feeble attempt to mask the fact of how bad it really was. The dialog and acting were crap, the kills sucked (off-screen kills with a camera pan back to the victim's bloodied body), the hillbillies were unrealistic and way over-stereotyped, and although there were some hot ladies, who I may add were dumber than a box of rocks, this movie wasn’t even Troma-rific. With movies like this, at least one of these has to be present: gratuitous nudity, this had only one flashback scene at the end, gut-busting humor, there was none, unless you like overdone hillbilly antics or Digger’s Tales from the Potside, or great gore effects, which were absent and ridiculous.

The Stitcher looks like a mix between Scarecrow Slayer, the Dark Harvest dude, and some other scarecrow-hybrid. And, his origin is nothing spectacular in that he’s just the bastard son of a woman who was raped at the local textile factory years before, which caused him to grow up a little off-kilter and start killing people. So, to commemorate his kills, he stitches buttons to himself as badges for his achievements.

Yeah, it's not the greatest horror story ever told, but what can you expect from VCI Entertainment whose noteable releases are re-issues of Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things and Don’t Open the Door? That alone tells you they aren’t relevant in the horror industry.

For those that just can’t seem to get enough of Friday the 13th rip-offs, but want something less dated, try After Dark Film’s Lake Dead. Otherwise, do yourself a favor and watch Madman or anything with Jason Voorhees before he took Manhattan.

Most memorable quote: Digger says to the ladies, “Do you know the difference between a dick and a chicken leg?” (Heads shake No) “Good, let’s have a picnic.”

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --1-- STORYLINE --1-- CREATIVITY --1--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Killer's Moon (1978)

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My friend Paul sent me this in hopes that I, too, would hate it, and warn everyone not to waste their time or money. So, Killer’s Moon has often been referenced as the UK’s answer to I Spit On Your Grave. Yes, there are the similarities of rape and revenge, but to put this in the same class as ISOYG is blasphemous to it’s legacy.

When their bus breaks down, a load of teenage girls and their chaperones are forced to walk to the nearest hotel to stay for the night. The inn keeper’s daughter, Julie, is missing, and four escaped mental patients are roaming the woods looking for a place to stay.

The first sight of blood is from a dog who stumbles into a camper’s tent with a missing leg, and then the game warden is taken out with an axe. Julie, who knows one of the campers all too well (first boob scene), gets raped (off-camera) by three of the maniacs, and then returns to the camp to seek help. The girls at the inn are serenaded by the loons, who then enter, rape, and kill. But, can these guys be held responsible for what believe to be a dream and not reality? Heck yeah, off with their heads!!

The two campers become heroes, and with the help of the dog, who gets his own revenge, manage to get the girls to a safe place and take out a goon or two despite a couple more rapings.

The dialog is pretty dry, forced, and overly British, and the references to Clockwork Orange and Frankenstein are way too obvious. 1) When the lead loon sees his damaged face in a mirror and freaks out, and 2) when he stiffly walks toward the girl by the water’s edge, not to mention the C.O.-style hat the fat guy wears making him look like Hardy, but with curly hair. But, the similarities are no surprise, since this is the country that spawned the Hammer Horror movies.

This is a pretty horrible film, and although it offers several boob scenes, even the most shallow pervert won’t be satisfied. So, don’t waste your time, but go watch I Spit On Your Grave (again), or find a VHS copy of Ms. 45, since it has yet to get a proper U.S. release (but is available as a Region 2 at Xploited), or even watch Deathwish, since Charles Bronson rocks. Thanks for sending this Paul!

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- NUDITY --2-- ISOYG LIKENESS --1-- DIRECTING --2--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Crucifixion (2008)-History Channel

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When a film starts with, “This Program Contains Graphic Images and Depictions of Violence, Viewer Discretion is Advised,” it immediately grabs my attention, and what followed were several scenes of modern-day crucifixions, mostly done as religious rites in reverance of Jesus Christ. But, this isn't a horror flick, it's an episode from The History Channel, which chronicles the history, religious connotation and symbolism, and current uses and thoughts on the matter of crucifixion and how it pertained to Christ's death.

The first proof of it's usage is from the Assyrian empire in the 9th century BC, where it started as impalement, with further displays by the Persian Empire in 512 BC, and by Alexander the Great in 332 BC.

It is suspected that early versions of this were done by tying people to wooden poles, with their hands above their head, and allowing the elements and creatures of the earth to have their way. But, later versions, which were started and perfected by the Roman Empire, are closer to what is depicted in the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. It is further believed that the more popular way of the time was to lower the person onto a vertical beam (a stipe), since they would have already been tied with arms extended to a horizontal beam (a patibulum), and walked through the city in humiliation. This would have also been true in the case of Jesus Christ, which of course, is a small variation of how it’s depicted in art and movies by him carrying the whole cross.

Later, whipping and other torture methods were added, not only as punishment for the crime committed, but also so the bloodied bodies would be more of a spectacle for onlookers, and to help spark fear in those who saw them. Further explanation tells that nails were added as part of the process, along with rope, to help bind the victim, ensure less slippage caused by bodily excrements, and increase humility and pain. Proof of this was found in 1968 in Jerusalem in the tomb of a man who lived in the time of Jesus. It is still debated, however, on exactly where the nails were used, since different methods could prolong death and extend torture.

After Constantine banished the use of crucifixion as capital punishment, it didn’t resurface until 1200 years later, in 1597 in Japan, used against Christian missionaries who were believed to overthrow the regime, and later used by Adolf Hitler against Jews in concentration camps. Today, it’s still done in Sudan, and the cross alone is used to spark fear, as done by the KKK with their totem, a burning cross. But, let's not forget it's usage for the sake of exploitation, sadistic pleasure, and crude humor, as portrayed by underground film director, Bill Zebub, in his films Dolla Morte, Jesus Christ: Serial Rapist, and The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made.

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This was a very intresting program, although it got bogged down in the recreations and dramatic performances. As with most historical reenactments, the acting is questionable, but the facts given by the “experts” were very eye and mind-opening, which made them easy to buy into. I really enjoy watching these types of programs, but my girlfriend doesn’t, so I seldom get to watch them, and will have to watch my 7disc set of Mysteries of the Bible by myself. If you like these types of programs too, this one is worth watching, but if you’re set on the Bible being the final word, and you only want to believe what you’ve come to know through art, popular Christian belief, and possible brain-washing, then I suggest not watching this, since it will only piss you off and may cause you to protest the History Channel. But, I can only hope you aren’t that closed-minded, and will give it a view, then again, if you were such a tight-ass, then you probably wouldn’t be reading my review site, since it contains some content that could be considered sinful, blasphemous, and un-Christian like. Hey, don’t judge me, I’ll take that up with God.

ACTING --2-- EDUCATIONAL --4-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- NUDITY --0-- EXPERT KNOWLEDGE --4-- RECREATIONS --3--

OVERALL RATING --4--

The Tracey Fragments (2007)

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Ellen Page, better known for her role in Juno, and little horror flick called Hard Candy, stars in her newest movie to DVD, The Tracey Fragments.

She plays Tracey Berkowitz, a normal teen girl who has problems of wanting to fit in, rebels against her parents, and experiences love and sex for the first time. Her parents don’t understand her, but aren’t willing to listen either, and send her to a psychiatrist, who is a man dressed like a woman.

Tracey’s life revolves around her rock star boyfriend, Billy Zero, finding her younger brother, Sonny, who she turned into a dog through hypnosis, and battling her depressed outlook on life. Other players are Lance, from Toronto, who she stays with while looking for Sonny, and several mentions of a Myra Bernie, who we don’t see, but hear her infinite wisdom through Tracey's words.

Although Sonny is never found, Billy dumps her after screwing her one last time, and her classmates continue to call her "It," she seems to overcome life’s obstacles and finds a happy place (at least for now).

This film really is fragmented, jumping from one part of the story to the next, with multiple screens showing different situations, points of view, etc. I kept wondering if Sonny truly was lost, or was it just her imagination and a reason to run away. There is a little humor incorporated, which lies in her obsession over boobs, and not having any, and her realization on how much attention is placed upon them, witnessing first-hand how the popular girls at school have and flaunt them. There's one scene where we almost get to see what she has to offer up there, but a few panty shots will have to suffice instead.

If you’re a fan of Miss Page, this is worth a watch, even though I found nothing really great or memorable about it. It just seemed like one more person’s perspective on teenage turmoil and how they deal with it, when I like movies that really push the boundaries, like those from Larry Clark or Vincent Giallo. Heck, even Alpha Dog held more of my interest, but spending a few dollars to rent this, rather than buying, isn't a total loss.

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --0-- FRAGMENTATION --3-- BELIEVEABILITY --2--

OVERALL RATING --2.5--

Xploited Cinema: a sad day for the #1 site for world cinema

Okay, this is not a movie review, but is well-deserved to hold a space on this page, as it effects me personally. So, you all know I like wierd cinema, and proudly stand behind the website Xploitedcinema.com to purchase this product. Well, he has decided to cease operation in it's current capacity, and will decrease his inventory, possibly with an eventual business closure once everything is sold through. It's a sad day, and here's the message he posted on his site.

The Future of Xploited Cinema

All good things must come to an end and that time is near for Xploited Cinema! It has been years since we started selling DVDs to the best customers around the world, but we've made a decision to move on. Xploited Cinema will still be around, but we will stop carrying new products and stop stocking catalog titles.

It was a tough decision since through the years everyone here has given 110% of themselves, but it's time to slow down, rest and shift gears to new endeavors. Are we "going out of business"? Not necessarily since we will continue to ship orders in the same efficient manner we always have, but in the short term leading into the long term we will be carrying less new releases and not re-ordering older catalog titles.

Mid July will be the time when you will be noticing no new titles added to the website and older titles taken off the website once we sell out. All current pre-orders will be processed and shipped as normal. Over time you will notice older titles disappearing from the website. We recommend getting what you want now since all titles will not be re-ordered as we run low in stock or sell out.

I would like to thank all of the customers that have stuck around with us since the early 2000s. For years I have corresponded with many of you via emails and have met many of you face to face at conventions. I can wholeheartedly say that we have the best and most loyal customers a business could ever imagine.

As i mentioned before this hasn't been an easy decision since I've given as much as i could to make Xploited Cinema a successful DVD retailing website, but I just can't keep doing this for the rest of my life. We will be around in some capacity for who knows how long dealing with the day in day out activities we have always been doing. The only main change noticed will be the elimination of stocking new releases and older catalog titles. Orders will be processed in the same timely manner as in the past and order and item related questions will be answered promptly.

From the bottom of my heart I would once again like to thank everyone who has been an Xploited Cinema customer through the years!

Tony Simonelli
July 6th, 2008

We love you Xploited, you've helped make Side Show Review what it is!!

On the Doll (2007)

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When the first scene starts with penis-shaped lipstick, blowjob talk, and two girls (Courtney and Melody) flashing their panties to some dude jerkin his gerkin in a car nearby, you can tell it’s going to be a twisted, sex-charged feature. Come to find out, the jerker is one of their teachers, Mr. Garrett, who later drugs and rapes Melody. Courtney vows revenge, and they set him up, with the end result being his nutbag (accidently) getting cut off.

Balery, a callgirl, wants to run an ad in a sex paper in order to get someone to help her screw over one of her regulars, who carries a bundle of cash and likes sexual perversion. Jaron, aka Jizz, arranges the ads in the paper, and gives money to his boss every week to pay Jimmy, in order to get his sister, Tara, out of the peepshow business. Jaron chooses to help Balery out, and after repeatedly punching the dude in the nuts until he passes out, they jack him for 22 grand. Problem is, the guy turns out to be one of Jimmy’s employees, and it’s his money they took.

Tough guy, Wes, and his girlfriend are in a band. In order to make their big break, they need new equipment so they can record an album. To get that money, she sells her services, and Wes is the driver. She gets a call from a guy who she'd seen before, but upon arrival, he isn't happy, since she's been using her roommate's picture, and that's who he expects. So, he tells her to leave, but not wanting to go empty-handed, she tries hitting him up for a cancellation fee, which he refuses to pay. So, Wes gets involved, gets shot, and the guy ends up running for his life from Wes's pitbull.

With elements of teenage rebellion, deviance, and indecency, this seemed like a Larry Clark flick. But, what set it apart was the lack of nudity, and the semi-climactic ending. So, if it's not Larry's creation, whose is it? It's Thomas Mignone's, better known for his work in the music video industry with Type O Negative, Sepultura, Slipknot, and David Hasselhoff.

I liked this movie, but was a little disappointed in the ending, hoping for one last twist. I’m pretty convinced that Mignone was influenced by Clark, and maybe even Vincent Gallo. A pretty good feature for his first movie outing, and this is a director to keep a tab on, since like Clark and Gallo, he isn’t afraid to push the envelope of what’s acceptable, and doesn't seem to care what may offend his audience.

If Brown Bunny, Bully, Kids, or Havoc are part of your collection, this will easily compliment them. And, highly recommended is Ken Park, which you can pick up at Xploited Cinema as an NTSC Region 0. Sadly, though, it has yet to get an official Region 1 release.

ACTING --4-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --0-- LARRY CLARK-LIKE --3.5-- NAUGHTINESS --3.5--

OVERALL RATING --3.5--

Triloquist (2007)

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

So, after reading two slanderous reviews on Amazon.com, and not heeding my own words on Dimension Extreme titles, I rented this movie. Yeah, I’m a sucker, and never trust other’s movie tastes anyway.

Angelina and Norbert’s mom commits suicide, leaving behind her ventriloquist doll, Dummy, to take care of them. In and out of foster homes with abusive parents, they’ve had to pack away Dummy, but are now grown up, and ready to take on the world. They have a dream to relive their mom’s profession, and take their ventriloquist act to Vegas. Dummy kills a kid, Norbert takes the fall and gets committed, and Angelina takes to the stripper stage to make money. Months later, she goes to retrieve her brother, and after Dummy kills the orderly, they make a break for it.

You can tell early on that Angelina has high aspirations when she says, “I’m almost 18, which means I’m gonna need to get a job. Maybe as a model, or a prostitute, I don’t know, but I’m going to make lots of money.” A model, a street whore, hmmm, is there really any difference?

While on the road, they kidnap a girl for Norbert to procreate with, so another male can continue the family name and business. They leave a path of destruction with every stop, and almost get hauled in by the cops, but take care of the situation and hit the road again. Angelina decides the best way to ensure the longevity of their name is to offer herself to her brother, which is welcomed with little resistance.

Dummy keeps trying to convince Norbert that his sister is loco, and they need to bounce, but he never gets the nuggets to do it. In the end, she breaks his heart by telling him his ventriloquist abilities are a hoax, and then she kills him. With Dummy in-hand, she sticks to the plan and heads to Vegas. Saldy, the dream is never fulfilled, but she gives birth to her brother’s child, a boy. She dies shortly thereafter, leaving him in the caring hands of the talking doll.

I kept thinking this movie would get better, but sadly, it didn’t, and actually got worse. Sure, Angelina’s a young, pretty blonde, who will keep your attention, but her potty mouth can easily turn you off, unless that's your thing. Norbert is pretty ridiculous, and doesn’t say a single word until his dying breaths. He just makes stupid facial expressions, and totes the doll around like his pride and joy. Dummy is a sex-crazed doll, who has shotty dialog, an annoying voice, and isn’t even scary when he needs to be. That's no big surprise though, considering the writer and director is Mark Jones of the Leprechan franchise. Did you see Leprechan In the Hood? Laughable because it's so retarded.

What attempted to be humorous, wasn’t, and even with a sprinkling of nudity, mainly from Dummy’s dreams, it couldn’t save this movie. It’s obvious that several scenes were odes to Natural Born Killers and The Devil’s Rejects, but they were less than entertaining, and actually an embarrassing attempt.

I don't recommend watching this movie, and it further supports my opinion of Dimension Extreme releases. Much better “dummy” movies to watch are Dead Silence, Magic, or even Jeff Dunham, but be on the lookout for Black Devil Doll, coming to DVD this fall. View the trailer at www.blackdevildoll.com.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --1-- DIALOG --1-- DIRECTING --2--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Summer School (2005)

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Charles is a reviewer for a horror movie website (huh, go figure), but attends summer school so he can slum his senior year. Having watched a movie marathon the night before to get caught up on reviews, he falls asleep waiting for the others to arrive, but each time he wakes up, he faces a new nightmare. Are they real, or merely a delusion caused by a poor night’s rest and what he saw on the tube the night before?

The nightmares play out like this: The class hottie, Lindsey, leads him on a cat and mouse chase, which ends in a Black Mass ceremony, where he’s the guest of honor. He gets caught up in a giant spider infestation, where he’s the main course, his teacher and Officer Klein gun down everyone in the school in Nazi SS fashion, his friends thirst for his blood and try to get it at all costs, he wakes up to a little backwoods excursion where all redneck stereotypes are played out, and then he gets his own revenge on all those who have wronged him.

Classmates Steve, Dennis, and Lindsey, show up in pretty much every dream (nightmare). Steve has strong overtones of Jack Black, Dennis looks and acts like Corey Feldman (maybe it’s the sideburns, or the hat), and Lindsey’s a temptress throughout. And, Charles (Simon Wallace), although an amateur actor, nails his part and carries the film’s emotion.

This film cost $8000 initially to shoot, and about 40K after post-production. It's really well shot for being on such a shoestring budget, not to mention, pretty high quality for using an all-amateur staff. You can tell that all parties involved are hardcore fans of the genre, and using their vision, wanted to cover all horror subgenres. It’s definitely one of the better ones I’ve seen in a while, and is held as the new standard for what I expect from future filmmakers. Sure, it has flaws, but is easily watchable and entertaining.

I look forward to much more from Random Creature Face, and thanks to Mike for sending me a copy.

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- NUDITY --0-- CREAVITITY --3-- UTILIZATION OF RESOURCES --4--

OVERALL RATING --3.5--

Skateboard Kink Freak (2008)

Buy it now at Xploited Cinema!!

Welcome to the mind of Maria Beatty, porn disguised as art. S&M, bondage, gagging, spanking, domination, DP, big ole floppy boobies, not very pretty chicks, and a punk rock hairdo are what comprise this film.

Now, I like erotica, and porn, when it’s done well, but after about 15 minutes, I got bored and had to fast-forward. Maybe it’s because rough sex really isn’t my thing, or that I require variety, since it was the same two chicks for about an hour of footage, either way, I just wasn't digging it. And, only one was taking a beating, and a heavy one at that, so I’m sure ALL her crevices ached after this shoot.

This was my first experience in watching a Maria Beatty creation, which was purchased on a whim along with Richard Kern-Extra Action and Extra Hardcore. In the beginning, there’s a shot of someone riding a skateboard, so I wondered where else this might come into play, since the title is Skateboard Kink Freak. So, at about the 30 minute mark, the victim is tied to one, and receives even more punishment (and pleasure) than before.

Other titles in Beatty’s library include The Black Glove, The Elegant Spanking, Ladies of the Night, Let the Punishment Fit the Child, The Seven Deadly Sins, Lust, and Sex Mannequin, which all have similar content, just different locations, chicks, and tools of the trade. I probably won’t be revisiting her work anytime soon, since the trailers for these didn’t entice me either, I just really hope Richard Kern has more to offer.

ACTION --3-- HUMILITY --4-- BLOOD/GORE --0-- NUDITY --4-- APPEALABILITY (FOR ME) --2-- HARDCORENESS --4--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Guatemalan Handshake (2006)

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Guatemalan Handshake is a quirky little film revolving around a power surge, a man/dog/car’s disappearance, and a demolition derby. There’s Don, who’s kind of a mix between Napoleon Dynamite and Bad Boy Bubby, Stool is like Napoleon's brother Chip, Turkeylegs reminded me of Vada from My Girl, and there's a few elements reminiscent of Juno.

Everyone's searching for something in this movie. Turkeylegs is in search of Don, and on a quest for life’s answers, Stool is in search of love (and some action), and finds every opportunity to take off his shirt, Sadie is in search of her father’s (The Guatemalan) acceptance, and the winning trophy at the demolition derby, grandpa is in search of his electric car, and the combination to the lock on his shed, and the old lady next door is in search of her dog.

If you like the off-beat humor of Napoleon Dynamite, Juno, Eagle vs. Shark, and Film Geek, then this is right up your alley. As with N.D. and Eagle vs. Shark, this film made me chuckle a little during the first viewing, but subsequent watches are sure to bring even more laughs as the others have, and still do today. If you haven’t seen Eagle vs. Shark or Film Geek, then make it a high priority, as they're little pieces of independent (and overlooked) cinema that are well worth the time.

ACTING --3.5-- HUMOR --3.5-- BLOOD/GORE --0-- NUDITY --0-- QUIRKINESS --4-- WORTH THE TIME --4--

OVERALL RATING --3.5--