Porno, released by Synapse Films, is a three part compilation of erotic stories continuing their Classic Latin Erotica Collection series, along with Violence and Flesh and Chick's Ability. Unfortunatley, there isn’t a lot of substance to this entry, but a few lines noting the highlights may peak your interest.
Part 1: This is probably the most erotic of the three, and is about a virgin girl who fancies other females, only to be deceived by a non-virgin. After a successful seduction and sexual interlude, she believes she’s about to pop another virgin’s cherry with her mom’s vibrator, but disappointingly finds out that her seductee’s hymen has already been claimed by someone else (a male).
Part 2: A thick, Latina chick wants to have no-questions asked sex with her male cohort, but to her surprise, she's unable to get a rise out of him because he's waiting until the right moment. What??? That's normally a chick move, but after a shower (shower curtain left open of course), and a wardrobe change (into a nun outfit), they get down. Just to make it clear, it's her wearing the nun outifit, but had it been the other way around, it could have put an interesting spin on the story.
Part 3: It’s easy to sum up this entry with: a blind woman, mirrors, a maid onlooker, a jealous lover, and Bugsploitation. Along with sex, this is the horror-themed story of the bunch, where broken shards of glass further blind our supposedly already blind lead actress, and her revenge on her lover, Marcos. While there isn’t much eroticity to this, and the horror element is laughable, the memorable moments are when the old maid watches them having sex in disgust, yet continues to watch, and when Marcos spices up the bedroom with bug play. The result? Once you go grasshopper, you never go back.
While there are some decent looking Latinas, male and female full-frontal, (yes, your lady gets a treat too!), and several scenes of simulated sex, this is a fairly forgettable and dated feature. So, I say, stick with the Schoolgirl Report series (Volume 7 just released), also available from Synapse/Impulse Films. Sure, the Spanish language may be more sexually pleasing to the ear, but the Germans know how to put it down. Nazisploitation and Ilsa She Wolf of the SS anyone? Oh yeah!!
Opening with a dead chick lying topless on the beach, Slave starts off with a bang, and builds anticipation of what's to happen next. While there are moments of perversion and boobage, the end result is rather blah, and we're left with a void from what the opening scene created. Essentially, this film is about a man’s attempt to start a committed life of marriage, but it gets overshadowed by his childhood baggage (a broken home and absent, reckless father), and the trip that would not soon be forgotten.
Before tying the knot, David and Georgie decide to visit his now wealthy dad in order to make it official. But, instead of being there with open arms, he isn’t home, so they get taxied around by his personal chauffeur, and decide to hit the town. At a club, Georgie decides to better their chance of getting in by name dropping (This is the son of ...), in which they get preferential treatment from the manager, are immediately seated, slipped some complementary pills to help set the night's mood, and are bid a happy evening. This is where the downward spiral begins…
While his woman is sweating the night away on the dance floor, he makes a b-line for the pisser, but upon return, she’s gone, and everyone plays dumb as to where she’s at, or that she even existed. Was she was kidnapped? Did she fancy another dude and leave with him? Did she melt into a puddle like Frosty? It’s time to shake some people down and try to find out what happened. But, doesn’t this always happen to newcomers in a foreign land? Hello? Hostel anyone?
Indeed, she has been kidnapped, and by a psychotic Russian dude who preaches Muslim gibberish. Lucky her, she was chosen to be a part of his doped up harem of love slaves (and sacrificial lambs). And, is it any surprise that daddy dearest is involved in this whole thing? So, with the help of a friend, well, fellow victim because of his sister's kidnapping, David and company travel to the yacht where Georgie and sis are being held. Once aboard, they bust in like Scarface (Say hello to my lil friend!) and blast everything in sight.
Not so much like this...
...but more like this.
The end result is:
1) Lots of dead people.
2) David thinks he sees his dad boning Georgie, so he tries to shoot him, but the gun is empty, so he gets his ass kicked by his dad, but he musters up the strength to return a mega ass-whoopin, possibly killing him. (In reality, pops was trying to get her coherent enough to help her escape, but from David's point of view through a partially closed door, it looked like dad was roadhousing her.)
3) David's friend shoots the Russian, who in turn slices his sister’s throat, so he then blows off his own head for causing her death.
4) In the end, Georgie decides to leave David, after seeing a side of him she never knew existed. (I guess bludgeoning poor pops into a meat sandwich doesn't fall under For Better or For Worse.)
Slave isn't a horrible movie, but is quite misleading with a cover that should have been used for a torture porn/slave trade flick, rather than a drama. Sure, there’s several boob shots, lesbo sex, blood, and a bit of depravity, but this is clearly a drama, much to the likes of the movie Taken, just not as eloquently done. While the marketing team at Phase 4 Films may get an applaud for an interesting cover, I think the international release more fairly respresents it.
This movie wasn’t a total waste of time, so I say rent it, unless you can pick it up for under 10 bucks (and that includes shipping). Instead, I recommend you buy The Disappearance of Alice Creed. Sure, it has flaws, but offers more substance, some quirky, yet unintentional humor, and Alice roped to a bed in the buff. AND, the artwork doesn’t steer you wrong, other than maybe downplaying the actual contents.
So, after a fairly crappy night's sleep, I got up at 9am and started watching movies. Since I recently bought a few for a friend, I thought I'd sneak in a preview before passing them on and collecting my dough. Geez, it seems like forever since I posted anything, but work has take it’s toll (and keeps taking), plus I haven’t really had any inspiration. So, I thought, let’s ride this pony again and see where it takes us.
First up was Scandalous Gilda, the debut release from the new indie company One 7 Movies. It was okay, and had several boob and bush scenes, problem is, neither of the females were very pretty, but luckily, were blessed with bodies to drool for (*wipes mouth*). While this movie plays out like a familiar Italian love/hate story, there was a bit more quirkiness. See, the lead actress (Monica Guerritore) hooks up with a guy who just so happens to be a cartoonist, so embedded in a mediocre story of revenge through sexual gluttony, is a cleverly placed animated featurette, where a community of male genitalia celebrate the arrival of Scandalous Gilda. Although it lasted maybe only two minutes, it was the major takeaway from the film for me, AND, it's not everyday you get to see cartooned ding-dongs (which make me laugh).
Another familiar face is Gabriele Lavia, better known for her role in Dario Argento’s Deep Red, but will steal your attention during the opening scene. I applaud One 7 for the great transfer, and even with an incomplete English audio track, it dances circles around most Mya Communications releases. The biggest downfall, however (much like Mya), is that no special features are offered. But hey, it’s their first venture, so I'll cut em a little slack, in hopes that things will only get better with their release of Sins of Madam Bovary and Chinese Kamasutra in January.
I suggest you give Scandalous Gilda a chance, and help support this budding new company in a time where others are shuttering or consolidating (bye bye Code Red in 2011). It’s trying times, so if you want to continue to see unreleased Eurocinema, screw relying on Netflix to stream it, just buy the damn thing. Hell, you can always resell it if you hate it, and you'll sleep well at night knowing you just contributed to a worthy campaign. Besides, can you really go wrong with Edwige Fenech and Joe D’Amato? Don’t front, open your wallet today! For a more in-depth review of Scandalous Gilda, visit Cinesploitation.
My second feature of the day was Inner Sanctum with Tanya Roberts, and it was presented in it's true early 90's VHS glory, although it was on DVD (an Asian import). The picture was a little muddy (VHS quality upverting from my Blu Ray player), and Tanya’s accent and dialog were ridiculous. But hey, it is what it is, and Tanya pops the twins out several times, which is really the matter of importance. Our bodacious vixen's best line is:
“I hate to upset your apricot, but I don’t like being taken for a chump.” Diehard fans of Ms. Roberts should enjoy it, otherwise save your money and buy a ridiculously expensive copy of Beastmaster (now out-of-print).
Release the beasts!
I also watched another Tanya flick called Purgatory, which is a sad attempt at a women in prison feature, and I really don't remember a damn thing about it (aside for the boobies). Then again, these features are highly forgettable anyway, and I was writing this post while watching it. Again, you’ll see Tanya in all her naked glory, but you’ll have to have a region-free DVD player in order to view it, as it has yet to be released in the states. The DVD will cost you $20 or more, whereas the VHS is about 5 bucks plus shipping, so rejuvenate that old top loader!
It wasn’t the most productive or compelling day of movie watching I've had, but dang it, I got three watched, AND a post up, so I feel pretty accomplished. The holidays (which started in September) have been brutal, so thanks for bearing with me. I have an assload of movies to watch, and while most would be overwhelmed by the plethora, I'm an ass-kickin mo fo like Charles Bronson, so I can't be faded. Stay tuned for more reviewing/bashing, and thanks for reading!
I’m not sure how long the sale goes on, but BestBuy.com has some sweet deals on horror Blu Rays, including Adam Green’s Hatchet, Spiral, and his latest, Frozen. These are ones I haven’t seen in under $10 bins elsewhere, and are great additions to any hi-def horror fan’s collection.
For a mere $9.99:
Amityville Horror (original)
Carrie
Children of the Corn (original)
Craft
Dead Snow
Dawn of the Dead (Romero)
Evil Dead
Halloween (John Carpenter)
Halloween (Rob Zombie)
Hostel
House of the Devil
and for $12.99, Let the Right One In
Sure, you may pick up others on impulse, like the Resident Evils, Underworlds, or even There’s Something About Mary, but for ten worn out Washingtons, you really can’t go wrong. Keep in mind, the prices in-store may not reflect what you saw online, but just ask, and you can score the same deals. So, start building your list, check your local store for inventory (or be lazy and stay home), and have an even happier Halloween this year. Remember, horror movies make great Christmas gifts too. :)
I picked up this movie at the Cinema Wasteland movie convention this last weekend. As I browsed the Alternative Cinema table, it caught my eye (I’d seen an advertisement for it prior to this), so I snagged it up, along with Diary of a Sex Offender, for a mere 30 bucks. Sure, I knew it was a low budget flick, and I might get burnt, but rather than sit and wonder all weekend, or go home with regret, I took the plunge, as I often do, not only to indulge in my sick curiosities, but to educate my trusty Sideshow followers (thanks Heather and Paul).
The basis is that Cassidy wants to fulfill a rape fantasy, so she invites (via the internet) anyone willing to carry out her request. All they need to do is show up after midnight, and leave afterwards (ain't no cuddlin going on here). But, the rapist doesn’t make tracks after doing the deed, but stays to kill her best friend, then torment and torture Cassidy, and anyone else that comes around. We find out later that Cassidy’s wild fantasies stem from an incident when she was 12, where she was molested by her father’s drunk friend. The rest plays out like a cat and mouse, rape-revenge style of movie.
So, what makes this movie any different than all the other “I can make a movie cause I got a camera” rubble out there? To be honest, not much, as it does have some gore and boobies, and a few funny lines, but the rest is plagued with mundane dialog and storyline, as well as a dark picture and questionable audio, especially during the money shots. And, as a general rule of horror movies, the killer should never take off his/her mask, that is, unless they’re grotesque (to shock and awe), or create the Whodunit?/Scooby-Doo ending.
There’s not really much else to say about this other than it’s only a must-watch if you’re an extreme fan of these types of movies, or a sucker like me. Did I get burnt? Yeah. Do I regret buying it? No. The great thing about taking a chance on movies like this is that you can re-sell it if you don’t like it, and there’s always others just as curious as you are. Recouping all you spent is rare, but getting something back is always a plus. And, I'm not sure who the lady on the cover is, but it's not Amanda Myers, the chick who played Cassidy. Damn marketing people.
For me, the most memorable quote is:
“Ya know, I hope someone really fucking rapes you one day, see how you fucking like it.”
This brought a chuckle, even though there's nothing funny about rape, but this was said after Cassidy and her partner for the night were trying to play out her rough sex/rape fantasy, and he failed to deliver. I guess you have to see the scene to really get it.
This should be played as double bill with Diary of a Sex Offender, or Forgive Me for Raping You, Bill Zebub’s directorial debut for a movie her didn’t write. When watching these movies, make sure there’s lots of alcohol, and a house full of ignorant, testosterone-driven dudes, as they're sure to yell obscenities at the screen, say things that are highly-inappropriate, and cheer at every sight of womanly flesh the camera has to offer. But, really, this is the only way to watch these, as your perversion will be embraced, rather than feeling like a troll in your own home. Dang, I just told on myself.
Antichrist is an odd movie, and many people have turned up their noses in distaste and deemed it absolute garbage. Some have walked out of screenings, but me, I come with the mindset, the weirder the better, and even though this title has been on my radar for well over a year, I just kept putting it off. I don’t know why, maybe I feared it’s excellence would change life’s perspective, or it would overtake The Exorcist as the greatest movie ever made. Even when my buddy, Paul, insisted I watch and review it several months ago, I didn’t take the time, even when I could have streamed it on Netflix. So, it wasn’t until I bought an import copy for about ten bucks on e-bay a few weeks ago, that I decided to give it a whirl. The opening premise is tragic, yet simple: While mommy and daddy are making babies, their real baby (who’s not supposed to be up and scurrying about) falls from a window to his death. And so, the following story unfolds…
(Although I’d like to take credit for insightful viewing and breaking this movie into “chapter selections,” this is actually how it was done, so boo on me.)
Chapter One: Grief: It’s pretty much Defoe psychoanalyzing his wife as they journey through the woods to find solace after the tragic event. See, he’s a therapist, and has taken it upon himself to help her. Here’s where they set up the pyramid of fear (Fearamid? Yeah, I just made it up), where once you reach the top, you’ve overcome it. In this case, the woods (Eden) is the first step to conquer before facing the unknown.
Chapter Two: Chaos Reigns: I really didn’t take much away from this other than more psychoanalysis, a bit more dementia and resentment, and a talking/self-mutilating fox, which made me think of The Fantastic Mr. Fox (I don’t know why, that’s just how my mind works), minus one George Clooney voiceover.
Chapter Three: Despair: This is where the story took an odd, yet interesting turn, and where the true horror elements and dementia came into play. Kind of like the tension in the sledgehammer scene from Misery, but here, Defoe’s wife drills a hole through his leg (with a hand-turn drill), then wrenches a wheel grinder onto it, so he can’t leave. But, that’s after she knocks him out, and jerks him off until he ejaculates blood. **me scratching head (no pun intended)** Yeah, watching it unfold is just as confusing as you trying to comprehend what I’m telling you, but that’s what happened. When he awakens, he tries to seek refuge in an animal’s den, but is found by his Kathy Bates-esque wife, shovel-shanked the crap out of, and taken back to the house.
Chapter Four: The Three Beggars:AKA Say goodbye to the clitoris. What I gather from this scene is that because her son died while she was having sex/getting off, she’s been unable to fulfill her sexual urges since, so she cuts off her clitoris with a pair of scissors, so the feeling will subside. I could be way off, but that’s the best I got. So, Defoe finds the wrench, takes the wheel off, strangles his wife, and then burns the body...all in a hard day's work.
Epilogue: The last scene, which can be interpreted many ways, is Defoe standing on a hill, as many women appear and climb to the top. My best guess on this (which is probably wrong) is that the wife has been relieved of her self-torment, thus conquering the fear of self (“Me”), the unknown at the top of the pyramid.
Sure, I was left dumbfounded, and even after a second watch, still quite confused. It’s very atmospheric, has surreal imagery, and is very thought provoking, maybe even moreso than my little nugget can handle/comprehend. And, much like an Alejandro Jodorowsky film, I’m sure some of the scenes will pop into my head when I least expect it. But, I must let it meander amongst the other demented thoughts up there, before I can conclude whether it’s sheer greatness, absolute crap, or merely just a Yeah, I saw it, and might revisit again on a cold/rainy day.
This title was picked up by Criterion and will be released on November 9th. Now, just because they put their stamp on a movie, doesn’t make it the end all, be all, but alongside Salo: 120 Days of Sodom and Videodrome, it fits perfectly. If you like oddball movies such as Holy Mountain, El Topo, Subconscious Cruelty, Begotten, or some early Lynchian shit, I urge you to give this a gander. There’s even some nakedness and penetration to satisfy the more perverse viewers, but be aware, it’s more arthousy than pornographic. And, where else can you see the Green Goblin having lots of sex, and being put in compromising positions without Spiderman present?
While Fright-Rags and Rotten Cotton may be the premiere horror t-shirt sites these days, I’m always looking for less traveled ones who offer something, well, less mainstream, and ones I won’t see on others at horror conventions.
I just received my 2nd shirt from up and comer, Creepy Tees, and I must say, it looks as good as the advertisement. Granted, I’ve never seen The Mutilator (which is in DVD purgatory with Code Red), but do own a bootleg copy, and really need to watch it soon. I can’t wear a shirt that I haven’t seen the movie, right? Well, it’s a damn sweet one none the less.
My other score, thanks to the blog Z For Zombies, which I frequent, is a more lively take on Lucio Fulci’s Zombie. I’ve seen a lot of Fulci shirts, but it wasn’t until I saw this one, that my wallet jumped out of my pocket and demanded I put my money down. So, head over to Joel Robinson's site and check out his stuff.
And, if you know of other sites that offer cool-ass horror related shirts, please let me know, and thanks to Z For Zombies, Creepy Tees, and Joel Robinson for helping me add these treasures to my collection. Expect to see me proudly wearing these soon, and especially at the Cinema Wasteland convention in October. I publically claimed them first, so if you were planning on wearing them to the convention too, please pick something else. :)
What do you do when you’ve just taken a hit of the good shit, and then hear a knock on your door, only to be greeted by a butt naked chick that you’re not sure if you’ve met before? In this case, you get sodomized by a dude that looks like he just walked off the set of The Hanger. This is the fate of a med student, Ray, and the opening scene in Somebody’s Knocking At Your Door.
What better way to mourn the death of a friend than to have a party, right? As Justin wakes from his Xanax stupor, he sees everyone sexing and boozing it up, but rather than grab a beer and join the party, he’s troubled and wants to talk about it. So, he shares that he just saw Ray lying dead in the morgue, but they pawned it off as a drug-induced side effect, and continue to live it up. The next scene we see Ray’s cold body on the slab, where the autopsy shows that his tongue was bitten off, he was penetrated by a 15 inch phallus, and he has deep scratches on his back. Dang, does Freddy Kreuger swing both ways now, or is this just another entry in the Death Factory series?
So, the police interrogate them, and as it turns out, the last time they saw Ray was when they were doing drugs and listening to the psychiatric evaluations of well-known killers, John and Wilma Hopper. (As if the drugs wouldn’t make you paranoid enough… ) And so, one by one they start getting plinked off by the naked and perverse killers, which included several ding-dong scenes, yes, the infamous 15 inches is unleashed, and what I like to call the head-first birth re-enactment (in reverse).
While all of this is supposed to be for shock and awe, and maybe a giggle or two, I have to ask, What's the recent rage with showing dicks? Now, I have nothing against films with male nudity, unless it's gay porn, but showing dicks just for the sake of showing them is a bit ridiculous. Sure, the dick gag can be humorous, when done at the right time, and when meant to be funny (kinda like the fart/poop gag), but not as a means to carry the storyline. (Hmm, maybe that's why I didn't care much for Bad Biology either.) Has male genitalia been taboo for so long that we must exploit it every chance we get now? Maybe it’s just the type of movies I watch (horror/exploitation/weird shit), but the one-eyed snake is becoming more and more mainstream, and that’s not necessarily a good thing, not even for the female viewer.
Come to find out, it was all a dream/hallucination while Justin was under the influence, and while movies like Trainspotting have done it better, not all is lost with SKAYD, as there is nudity and blood/gore, but it’s not for every viewer (including this one). I like over-the-top movies (Header/Sick Girl), and often recommend them to off-beat viewers like myself, but too many dicks in one place, usually means that either egos will swell and a fight will break out, or other things may swell and I’m in the wrong place. So, if you actually liked Bad Biology, or even Watch Out (also from Breaking Glass Pictures), you might like this one, otherwise explore the world of deadly female anatomy, like Teeth or Sexual Parasite, both of which will make you grab your package and hang on for dear life.
On a side note: I noticed familiar faces from Easter Bunny, Kill!, Kill!, the black dude now plays a stuttering druggie named Joe (aka Spaz), Remy plays a detective, and Ray (the pedophile) plays an officer, and has an offbeat black phallic joke while in the morgue. All of these guys have talent, and while I didn’t really care to see a fat guy covered in blood running cock-eyed (ha ha, literally) because he’s lugging around a king king dong, something tells me we’ll see these guys again in more Breaking Glass/Vicious Films.
What better way to break out of a viewing slump that to watch a Fulci film, but rather than take the mainstream path and re-watch Zombie, The Beyond, or City of the Living Dead (recently released on Blu Ray, woo hoo!), I chose a lesser known title, Red Monks. While Fulci didn’t direct this, he’s credited as a producer, and with his name plastered all over the artwork, for sake of argument, we’ll call it a Fulci film, until proven otherwise. This has yet to be released as a Region 1, so I popped my PAL version (which I had yet to watch) in my trusty-dusty multi-region Daewoo, but it didn’t play. I’m like, Dammit, I need Fucli, and NOW!, so luckily I had a back-up, a Philips, and it fulfilled my need.
Make no mistake, the opening sequences scream “Italian film” with the fabulous scenery and atmosphere, but is it Fulci’s? A guy recently inherited some land and a castle from his parents, which he plans on turning into a hotel. As he roams the property, he sees and follows a naked chick, only to have his head lopped off with a sword while he gawks at her naked behind.
50 years earlier, a husband brings home his new wife to the castle, but rather than immediately bedding her, he runs downstairs to tell The Red Monks the news, and finds out that they want his beau as a virgin sacrifice. He kind of shrugs it off, and rather than laying the pipe and exempting her from her fate, he decides to screw the maid. Nearly alone in a big house, what’s a wife to do but explore, and that she does, stumbling upon the Monks, and fainting in fear. Was it a dream or reality? Only time will tell, but it’s apparent that something isn’t right, as she’s ravaged by some guy while painting in the field, she finds a severed head in the picnic basket, her husband is a distant relative of someone who killed the Red Monks leader, and she gets possessed by “the curse,” and then beheads her husband, thus fulfilling the prophecy.
So, is it a Fulci film, you ask? I have a hard time believing it is with the fake tarantulas, lack of gore, off-screen kills, and somewhat incoherent story, then again, we’d be talking about late 80’s Fulci, which is a far cry from Lucio in his prime. I don’t doubt that he had some hand in it, either overseeing or contributing, but it looks like whatever involvement he did have, he walked away washing his hands of it, because if he truly was invested, he would have taken over the set and it would be a much darker and gorier film. Sure, most of his movies in his later years sucked, but I still have a fondness for House of Clocks and Demonia.
And, when you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, you have to titillate with nudity, so 4 sets of boobs and a couple of butts are thrown in for good measure. I kept hoping this would play out like an Eyes Wide Shut sort of film, even though this was done 11 years earlier, but aside from hoods and hoo-hoos, it was nothing like it. Still, the marketing team did a great job of sucking me in with the trailer, cover, and Fulci references, but the likelihood of giving it another watch is unlikely, as it took me nearly 3 years to get to it anyway. This is one time I’ll have to say stick to what you know, and pop in a Fulci classic instead. If you must venture out, just expect to be less than dazzled, but pick up a copy of Paura-Lucio Fucli Remembered Vol. 1 and get first-hand accounts of the maestro at his best.
Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! has been on my radar for over a year, and although I was unable to acquire a screener back then, maybe because we weren’t a big enough blog yet (Sideshow Review who?), I recently got one from a friend, and was happy to see that Vicious Circle Films, who also brought us Hanger and Run Bitch Run, picked it up for release. Now, if EBKK has even half the WTF moments that the other two do, then it’ll be time well spent.
As you know, many holidays have had horror musings, and Easter’s not exempt from that, with such films as Kottentail and Peter Rottentail. But, this movie centers around a mentally challenged black kid named Nicholas (kid said very loosely since the guy was 19 during filming), who loves Easter and is given a bunny (believed to be the Easter Bunny) by a hobo passing by on the street. His mom is dating a guy named Remington, who recently robbed a convenience store wearing a bunny mask, and decides to put it back on to surprise Nick when he shows up at the house. But, Remy's only half the man he plays out to be, and immediately establishes his dominance by firing the maintenance man (Jorge), verbally abusing Nick when mom's not around, and allowing his pedophile friend to stay over while he enjoys a night on the town.
But, someone in a bunny mask starts killing everyone. Has the Easter Bunny taken human form and gone mad? Is Nicholas merely acting on his pent-up anger? No, it’s mommy dearest who does all the bloodletting, and will do anything to protect her little boy. The creepy friend meets death by drill, Jorge’s friend takes a hammer and flashlight to the dome, Jorge is ripped apart by a skill saw, Stripper #1 is gagged with a broom stick, Stripper #2 is suffocated, and Remy gets gashed in the throat, only to hear how much of a disappointment he is during his last breaths. The final twist, although not too surprising, is that the hobo is Nick’s father (thought to be dead), who has come back to rekindle and reclaim his family, no matter how f-ed up they are.
Starting with the title alone, I really wanted to love this movie and laugh at it’s jokes, but couldn’t, and I’m not really sure why. I like crude humor, but my viewing has gotten rather finicky over the last few years, and maybe even moreso the past few months. Sometimes the simplest things satisfy me, like fart and poop jokes, while other times, I sit in pure boredom, and it’s like juicing a turnip to get a rise out of me. I can’t really pin down what the problem is, maybe I’ve seen too many movies (geez, is that possible?), maybe I feel like it’s all been done and there’s nothing new, or maybe I need to change genres for a while. I really don’t know, but I have to figure it out, as I’m in desperate need of viewing satisfaction (have you noticed that my reviews lean heavily on negativity?), and want to be reassured that creativity still exists. Sure, I’m aware that this problem may be all me, but I can’t discount that some of the simplest films still satisfy me, like Stripes or Porky’s or The Exorcist, so there is hope.
After seeing several films from Vicious Circle, I can see how this fits into their slate, as it has a sort of exploitive grittiness, which we've come to expect from their titles. At first, I was disappointed with Hanger, but as it continues to linger in my head, I've grown to appreciate it, and I put Run Bitch Run as my #1 pick for 2009, even though I never did a review for it and need to watch it again. Sympathy had potential, but failed, and I have a screener copy of Temptation, which I’ll try to get watched before it streets in late June. Not all is lost with Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill!, but I feel it would be best viewed late at night as a double bill with Black Devil Doll or Gutterballs, and with plenty of friends and lots of alcohol.
While it’s currently a mixed bag with VCF, I haven’t given up on them, but can only hope that they offer something in the near future to break me out of my slump. Until then, I highly recommend Spirit Camp and Texas Frightmare Massacre, both of which I recently viewed at Texas Frightmare Weekend in Dallas, and both were more than satisfying.
So Michael Bay and his boys over at Platinum Dunes have decided that they need to take another iconic horror franchise and give it the reboot treatment. And if you really think about it, he seems to be the man for the job. Everyone seemed to love his redo of Texas Chainsaw Massacre (I freaking hated it though) and then there was the whole Friday the 13th (I re-watched it and it’s not as good the second time around) so why wouldn’t they take a shot at Nightmare on Elm Street? Unfortunately, they don’t do a very good job with it.
Lets start with the children. In the old Nightmare, the kids feel like a group you could relate to, they’re mostly honest kids dealing with crap. The new kids though, for some reason I can’t grasp, feel like they’re all going to break down and cry the entire time. The main female Nancy, played by Rooney Mara, is an artistic girl that just doesn’t fit in with anyone else in high school. She thusly spends a lot of time in her room, drawing up dark, edgy pictures of scary faces. In short, she makes me want to vomit. The whole movie I was just waiting for her to pull out a razor blade and go to town on her wrists in some excuse to deal with the world. The male lead isn’t much better I’m afraid. Quentin, played by Kyle Gallner, is the whiniest horror character I’ve seen in a long time, and maybe ever. He seems like all it’s going to take is one little thing to push him over the edge and he’ll break down and cry about how horrible the world is. The supporting characters aren’t too bad, granted you never see them for too long at once, unless they’re about to get killed. In all, the characters are lacking.
But in all honesty, the star of the show is Freddy, and I must admit that for the most part I was happy with the way Jackie Earle Haley played the character, but there were some parts that just brought him down. His make-up is very odd, something about it just doesn’t look right, and I couldn’t figure out what it was until one of my friends said something about it. He described it as some kind of Freddy Krueger and Alien love child, and the longer I think about it, he’s pretty damn close. The way he played the character also created some issues for me. The whole time the company was promoting the film, all I seemed to hear was about how this was going to make Nightmare on Elm Street serious again, and how they were going to move away from the campy horror of the old ones. They had me sold through most of the story until almost the very end. There is a part where Freddy is chasing Nancy through dream world. She turns a corner and attempts to run down a hallway, but because she’s in dream world, the hallway flood turns to liquid and she starts to sink. As she’s swimming away Freddy rounds the corner, looks at her and says, “Now that’s what I call a wet dream”……I’m sorry, can someone else please explain to me where/how that fits the whole “serious” aspect they were trying to cash in on?
Quick side note, I don’t know why everyone seems to be in love with the fact that they give you back story in the remake, because they give you the exact same story in the original. On my DVD it’s chapter 17 in the select a scene and it’s entitled “Mommy killed him”. Talks about how he was a child killer and they trapped him in a boiler room and set the place on fire, so it’s not like this back story is anything new to the series.
Now then, speaking of the back story of Freddy, this is another thing that the movie screws up. In the original we find out Freddy is a child killer, and that the parents wanted to get revenge on him. It’s not that he killed any of their children, just the fact he killed little kids. In the new one, they make him a child molester, and he knew all these kids back when they were 4 or so. But when the parents find out about what he does, they track him down and set him on fire, and then separate all the kids so they forget about Freddy. I guess the thing that pisses me off is the fact it seems like everyone was sitting in on a meeting for the movie and said “hey we have this original story that people know….but fuck it, let’s try to do something different.” The parents in the new film really don’t have any reason to set him on fire either. In the original it’s justified because Freddy get’s out of prison because someone signs the search warrant wrong, so the parents hunt him down. In the new one though, they basically admit that they never go to the police, never tell any authority, they just hunt him down and murder him because they can. There is a point where Quentin asks his dad if there is any evidence, and his dad just looks at him, but never answers the question. This led me to believe for about another 45 minutes of movie that they killed him in cold blood. Look I don’t have kids, and I’m not saying that child molesters are awesome people, but to just run out and set someone on fire on the assumption that he did something seems a little out there.
The killings are decent, but nothing to really write home about. Some of them follow the original, and some of them are new. If you’re looking forward to seeing how they do the killing of Johnny Depp’s character, the whole getting sucked into a bed and then shot back out as a bloody mess, sorry but they don’t do it. Yes you read that correctly. They. Don’t. Do. It. Honestly this was probably the biggest letdown of the entire movie for me. I was really excited to see how CGI was going to make this the best part of the film and then it didn’t happen.
No nudity. The most you get a girl in short-shorts and a tight t-shirt running around, but that’s really about it. You do get Nancy in the bathtub, but just like in the original they don’t show you anything. Damn right?
The last thing I’m going to talk about in this monster of a post is how the title is completely wrong. You see I imagine that with a title like A Nightmare on Elm Street, I’m going to see characters that are on Elm Street get harassed all the time. Really though they stay on Elm Street for about 15 minutes of the entire movie, and then they run all over town. The funny thing is, it’s the girl that doesn’t even live on Elm in the original that gets killed on Elm in the new one.
Well it looks like I’m back and I had a lot to say. Here quick I’m planning to get a review up for a movie called Spirit Camp that I caught about a week ago, and I plan on putting up a review for a movie that’s absolute crap, but still holds a spot in my heart.
If you live in the world of only Region 1 DVDs, then you’re really missing out. I recently purchased multiple region-free players for older friends of mine who have yet to make it into the internet age, and the list of DVDs for me to pick up for them grows by the day. While many of these movies are either out-of-print or have yet to be released here in the states, Europe, Asia, and the UK have them aplenty. So, for under a hundred bucks, you can enjoy better prints of your favorite movies presumed to be lost on DVD format, or if you’re a hi-def high roller, a multi-region blu ray player will only set you back a few hundred, if not less. Quite a small price to pay for boundless entertainment!
As my purchases for them start rolling in, I'm taking time to watch some before passing them to their rightful owners. My first feature, although a Region 1 from Image Ent, but now out-of-print, was Ulli Lommel’s Brainwaves. This thing screams 80’s straight-to-video b-horror in sound, body, and picture quality, but did get some airtime on HBO back in the day. Some of you may be familiar with Ulli’s more recent films: BTK Killer, Diary of a Cannibal, Green River Killer, and Black Dahlia (all available from Lionsgate). Most of these are crap, but offer boobs and violence in place of coherent storytelling. While I liked Green River and BTK, I usually steer far away from anything Lommel does, because I know I'll regret the hour and a half I wasted on subpar cinema (which sadly, I do often), and Brainwaves is no different, as it appears that he has yet to hone his talent, even decades later. Sure, if you’re a fan of bad movies, then Ulli’s your man, but other than boobage, I couldn’t justify another reason why I continued to watch this film.
The premise is simple, another organ transplant gone awry. In this case, a chick gets hit by a car, busts her head on the windshield, and is rushed to the hospital. Unable to come out of a coma, a new procedure is used to help her regain consciousness, the brainwaves of a recently deceased person. But, it’s a murder victim’s brain that is used, so the transplatee has dreams of the grisly death (death by boombox in a bathtub) over and over. Based off her flashbacks, her husband becomes quite the detective and figures out the whole thing, but the killer has come back to finish off even the memory of what he’s done, only to meet his own demise (but possible rebirth as a future organ donor).
This is totally intended to be watched on VHS, and can be picked up on Amazon for under $5 (and that's with shipping). Sadly, the DVD has a MUCH higher ticket, but looks like a VHS transfer, so blow the dust off your VCR if you can't seem to fight the urge to buy it. I’m sure this is one of those titles that sparked curiosity while sitting along side other horror VHS box art, but sadly, it doesn’t even live up to what it suggests. Yet another case of the misleading marketing team winning. Next on my list is Death Spa, which has yet to get an official U.S. DVD release, but the PAL version is rather enticing, even if the movie is straight garbage, as it focuses on only a portion of the original coverart, which is a classic.
Continuing my examination of the porn industry in documentary form, my latest find is Naked Ambition: An R Rated Look at an X Rated Industry. Basically, Michael Grecco, a photographer, wants to make a coffee table book featuring pictures of porn stars (and other facets of the industry), that grandma wouldn’t shy away from looking at. His goal is to capture the intimacy, without the sluttery, and show that the industry is more than just raunchy bump and grind.
So, his first stop to catch all this glamour and glitz is at the AVN expo in Las Vegas, where anything can happen. Even sex and religion can intermingle, as JC’s Girls (aka Holy Hotties), who preach that a lifestyle change is unnecessary to be one with The Lord, and "There's nothing you have ever done that God would not forgive you for!," sat right next to a table of sex toys.
I’d agree that one can have a healthy sex life and still retain a spiritual well-being (even if it means selling your body and taking it in every orifice), but to see them hand-in-hand in one setting was kind of laughable. Sure, sex can be the most enlightenment one may ever attain, and JC’s Girls were hot (I'm sure causing blasphemy in the name of the Lord in many pervs thoughts), but I doubt we’ll find a religious establishment called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Sluts anytime soon (sounds more like a reformed porno star church group, doesn't it?). Even for Sin City, this seems a little far-fetched, and churches are usually outside boycotting events, not partaking in them. Then again, maybe we're approaching a new day and age.
We get veterans like Tera Patrick, Jenna Jameson, Janine, Randy West, Peter North, and Larry Flynt, to newcomers like Sunny Lane and Joanna Angel (Joanna’s a newcomer? Man, this must have been filmed some time ago), who offer a little insight as to why they got into the industry and why they stay (cause they like sex and money, right?), much like 9 to 5: Days in Porn, but with much less nudity and perversion.
Other than Janine and Ron Jeremy, there wasn’t a single porn star in this doc that I cared to see. I’m not a big fan of Jenna, you’ve heard my thoughts before on Jesse Jane, and Mary Carey looked like shit, with her big ole saggy fake boobs and anorexic body. I prefer her back in her "bigger" days, like in this movie:
It’s a shame what the porn industry, and being famous in general, will do to certain folks. Even Mariah Carey was hotter when she was au naturel and singing about a Vision of Love.
Sadly, I walked away unsatisfied, and it wasn’t because there was a lack of T&A, as you’d expect, but because it was nothing more than a sad plug for the AVN awards, with only a backdrop of this dude’s project. A much better flick of similar nature is Thinking XXX, but most grandmas will have to sit this one out, as too many bare ding dongs in one place might put them in their grave. Also, check out Porn Star-The Legend of Ron Jeremy, it's a true look at The Hedgehog’s lifestyle and will have you rolling.
So, skip this AVN marketing ploy and pick up the others mentioned, I guarantee you'll thank me later. And, just because you have the ability to film a ton of half-naked porn stars in one place, it doesn’t mean it'll be a hit.
No, this isn’t a story about Chicken Little, but it does involve a little chick, Rachel, and her ass-kicking new acquaintance, Lance. Seems that a disease has spread and wiped out most of mankind, and what’s left, are some zombies, a few survivors, and the reapers, who attack the weak and experiment on the dead.
Hellbent on revenge for killing his kin, Lance first exterminates the undead with guns, and then breaks out his father’s sword, cause “it never runs out of bullets.” In order to save what’s left of humankind, Lance and Rachel head out to find the head reaper, but must also battle the demons in their head. Do they succeed? Are things truly as they appear? Guess you'll have to watch it in order to find out.
What plagues this movie is forced dialog, too much explanation of storyline, and low budget. And, even though flying blood is aplenty, almost all the action and gore are done as cutaways, and the battle scenes are drawn out to the point of exhaustion. I'd rather have seen a shorter film, than getting bored with the monotonous hack and slash. Having been involved in a NO-budget zombie flick myself, Undead on Arrival, I can probably appreciate it a little more than the average horror watcher, but still, there’s much to be desired.
The melancholy tone of the film and it’s characters fight against it, and even the special features carry this feel. For instance, the attitude and delivery of the writer and director, Doug Roos, is just blahzay, as he never even cracks a smile or seems excited about anything. With his even keel-ness, it’s almost like he was reading pre-written statements to questions asked. Come on, Doug, it’s your film, and you gotta be the hype-man. It's your job to sell me (and everyone else) on it!
But, even with it's flaws, there are times it shines, and the following scene of dialog made me laugh, because perverse thoughts kept popping into my head.
Rachel: Can I see it? (He hands his sword to her) Teach me something.
Lance: I’d rather not.
Rachel: And why’s that?
Lance: I don’t think you could keep up.
Rachel: Oh really?
Lance: Yeah.
Rachel: Well, I think you’re just afraid.
Lance: Afraid of what?
Rachel: Of me being better than you.
Lance: First, you’ve got to hold it right, like this. (She swings it) WOW! It’s okay, you’ll learn.
(Of course, one could say, “That’s what she said!” after several of these lines, but I also envisioned this leading to a porno scene (a la 1970's) with groovy music. Heh heh, it still makes me giggle.)
Although it’s not the best indie flick I’ve ever seen, and I had high hopes as it touts at least 10 awards and I'm always looking for hidden gems, I’d like to thank Doug for sending me a copy. For his next feature, I’d really like to see more personality come out (Will the real Doug Roos please stand up?), and also leave more of the plot for interpretation, rather than trying to explain it all. Still, he succeeded in keeping me confused, because I’m still not sure why, or even if, the sky has fallen…
You know I love documentaries, and like most guys, I love porn, so when I saw that 9 to 5: Days in Porn was a documentary on porn, I thought, what could be better? (The real thing of course, but bare with me.) Coming May 4th from Strand Releasing, this docu provides insight into the lives of several porn stars, why they got into the business, why they stay, and all the other ins and outs (literally!) that go along with it.
Known faces, Otto Bauer and Aubrey Hollander (a porn couple), Belladonna, Katja Kassin, Sasha Grey, Ava and Mia Rose, veteran Nina Hartley, and Roxy Deville grace the screen telling us their intimate details of the industry.
Dr. Sharon Mitchell, director of the AIM (Adult Industry Medical) Healthcare Foundation and a former pornstar from the 70-80s (when hairy bushes were aplenty!), speaks very bluntly of her experiences in the business (she did over 2,000 films), and why she decided to establish a facility where porn stars can get tested, while being educated on better ways to protect and prevent the spread of disease in the industry.
Much like Seymore Butt’s Family Business series that ran on Showtime a few years ago, this docu is entertaining, and somewhat informative, that is, if you care to look past their nakedness, and want to know what makes some porn stars tick. And, not that it's a big surprise, but we learn that the San Fernando Valley is the Devil's Playground, as it's the hub of the porn industry, calling home to numerous offices, studios, and distribution centers of the $12.7 billion business. Damn, so I'll have to move to California in order to make my debut?
While I have a fondness for porn (my girlfriend would say an addiction), I’ve grown to prefer erotica, which usually has less “in your face” bump and grind, and more elements to titillate my senses and imagination. Sure, I can pop in a porno to get my rocks off, but once the deed is done, it's packed away in a box, and maybe not seen again for years. I grew up watching Asia Carerra, Tori Welles, and Chasey Lane, and in college, I was known as the Porn King, and supplied all my friends with flicks to fulfill their urges, but today, I find it difficult for current porn actresses to fill those memories, and I’d much rather watch Misty Mundae or Darian Caine in Skinemax-type movies, or Tinto Brass and (some) Jess Franco. I’ve also ventured out to find obscure erotica for my older friends (50+ year olds), and we engage in more compelling conversations than “Man, that dude was hung like a bull moose, and really stuck it to her!” or “Did you see how big her snapper was? I bet she could take two elephant trunks, John Holmes AND Peter North, and there'd still be room!”
I guess you could say I've grown up (ha ha, not really), but I’m slowly but surely weeding my collection, trying to recoup some of my money, and putting these gems in more well-deserving hands. But, my curiosity still gets the best of me, as those After Hours Cinema collections from Alternative Cinema are hard to pass up!
So, if you like porn, I suggest watching this film, but then head on over to Amazon.com and buy both seasons of the Family Business to add to your collection. Although Sasha Grey has that allure, and has made it into mainstream films (mostly horror), they always disappoint, so steer away from The Girlfriend Experience and Smash Cut, as both are a bust, and spend your time more wisely watching her porn or cleaning your house.
You can dig through indie horror for years without finding a decent movie. I checked IMDB and apparently there’s only 10 in existence. The first 10 seconds would suggest this is another flaming pile of poo on your doorstep. But what unfolds is a well acted, well directed, and decently written movie about a sociopath drug addict. Marc Senter plays this part masterfully. There is no point in this movie where I felt he over acted or lost character and with a part such as this it would have been very easy to do. If you don’t think a great performance is reason enough to sit through this movie, you also get a chance to see Shay Astar of 3rd rock fame all grown up as well as Misty Mundae briefly acting other a different name. This movie is more of a Natural Born Killeresque thriller than a horror movie. I can’t really go into describing it too much without completely spoiling it. The Lost is full of great editing as well. It often bounces back and forth between polar opposite soundtracks in the same scene to bring out excitement and it absolutely works every time. After not reviewing a movie for a year however you know its worth watching since I’m back here reviewing it. I guarantee moderate amounts of nudity, large amounts of drug use and in the end way to much killing for 10 minutes.
Okay, so the last few movies I've seen stunk monkey balls, and rather than do a full review and bash them to oblivion, I decided to just add some brief thoughts, so you can move on to watching better cinema.
Bitch Slap (2009)
While violent chick movies may spark my interest and sometimes arouse my libido, Bitch Slap failed to deliver anything but a confusing mess. Maybe that's the intent, but I expected some major ass-kicking, and maybe a semi-plausable plot. This movie was all over the place, and although the ladies were nice to look at, the ridiculosity came quick and never ended. So, I walked away scratching my head and wondering why I'd kept watching, maybe it's because it reminded me of Planet Terror, and doesn't Erin Cummings look kinda like Rose McGowan?
This flick caters to a certain crowd, and I guess I'm not one of them. Nudity: Nope. Ass-kicking: Some. Lesbianism: Yes. Humor: A Tad, with the funniest moment being when the mohawk dude hits himself in the crotch multiple times in order to keep his boner at bay. It's better to skip this feature and watch Zoe Bell's Angel of Death instead, or if you like Asian splatterfests, try Hard Revenge Milly. 2 out of 5 Slap-happy Bitches
Desireable Teacher (1981)
Sure, Michela Miti is desireable, but with a lack of screen time, and Alvaro Vitali's attempt at humor, this movie was a waste of time. The fart gags were tired, the humor and skin minimal, and it was so uninteresting that I read other horror blogs while taking an occassional glimpse up to see what was going on. You will get a quick shot of Michela's bare ass as she walks down the hall, but when she decides to bare it all, it's blocked by some dude's overly hairy chest. Shame on the director for allowing this to happen! Don't get me wrong, I like Bigfoots and Yetis, but they have their time and place, and I like naked chicks more. I recommend passing on this one and putting in some Tinto Brass to fulfill your Italian erotica curiosities. 1 out of 5 TILFs
Red Hook (2009)
This flick could also be called Scavenger Hunt of Death, since the premise is that several college kids go on a scavenger hunt and then end up dead. This is a modern slasher movie, but quite lame in comparison to 80's standards (the golden age), and even to the lamest of them. This follows the other horror sleepfests that Phase 4 Films has to offer, Killer Movie and Midnight Movie. Pull any pre-90's slasher film out and watch it instead, heck, even Scream is more entertaining. 1 out of 5 Knives to the Gut
Teachers (2009)
Ha ha, so I have two movies (said loosely) about teachers in the same post, well, this is actually a porno, and not a very good one at that. I watched this on Blu Ray and popped my hi def porno cherry with it. I'd been really curious about how porn would look in 1080p, and I must say, not much is left to the imagination as it shows every scrape, scar, bruise, freckle, mole, stretchmark, and even every hair follicle (even in the netherregion). I could see every vein running through Jesse Jane’s fake boobs, and hi def does nothing to mask fakies! There was even one scene when she was laying on her back (go figure, right?) that it looked like her boobs were deflating, talk about killing the mood! And, she really needs to get into the gym to tone up those legs. I'm pretty disappointed with this experience, as is most when it's "their first time," and not sure if I want to see anymore hardcore in HD. So, unless you're just a diehard fan of JJ (which I'm not), or need your porn fix for the day and nothing else will do, steer away, and maybe try some Chasey Lane or Tori Welles to go to town to. 2 out of 5 Detentions
Oh yeah, and the shirt that got away from me at Fright Rags. Damn, Tarman would have looked bad-ass.
It's limited to 200 pieces, and by the time I made it there (didn't it just go live today?), only men's small and 3XL were left, that is, unless I want to try to squeeze into a women's shirt. Naw, I need a dude's large, so I gotta pass...Grrrr. Oh well, I still have my limited Friday the 13th shirt coming, but I was an early bird, so didn't have to pay 70 bones for it.
I love watching documentaries, and although this isn’t really horror related, it does coincide with my earlier post on Whip It and Ellen Page. Blood on the Flat Track is a true representation of what real roller derby is all about, women-on-women violence and lesbian love all in one sporting event. This feature centers around the Rat City Rollergirls hailing from Seattle, WA.
We hear the trials and tribulations of the four teams which comprise the RCR crew: Grave Danger, Sockit Wenches, Throttle Rockets, and Derby Liberation Front. And, this isn’t just a lesbo sport, but also a mother-daughter and sister event, both as spectators and fellow derbiers. And, with names like Basket Casey, Darth Skater, Dirty Little Secret, and Pris Toff, how can you go wrong? Hot, goth-esque, Suicide Girl-type chicks (and Butches too) hammering the crap out of each other with bloomer-pantied butts everywhere. What a pervs dream!
Grave Danger
Sockit Wenches
I remember watching a few derbies on TV years ago, but after seeing this, I gotta see a live show! And, yeah, I know that some of it is orchestrated, but cat fights friggin rule, and maybe some chick will get her shirt ripped off in the process. This is a must-watch for all, and you’ll even learn a little bit about the sport's history and rules. So, since my words can't do it justice, skip Whip It and the Rollergirls series, and watch this instead. Then, travel to the closest city/venue sponsoring an event, and relish in chicks acting out their suppressed barbaric urges.
Also recommended is Hell on Wheels (2009), which chronicles the rejuvenation of Roller Derby in Austin, TX, the leagues that inspired the Rat City Rollergirls. You can stream it on Netflix.
