Crap I watched and why you shouldn't Vol. 1...and the shirt that got away

Okay, so the last few movies I've seen stunk monkey balls, and rather than do a full review and bash them to oblivion, I decided to just add some brief thoughts, so you can move on to watching better cinema.

Bitch Slap (2009)
While violent chick movies may spark my interest and sometimes arouse my libido, Bitch Slap failed to deliver anything but a confusing mess. Maybe that's the intent, but I expected some major ass-kicking, and maybe a semi-plausable plot. This movie was all over the place, and although the ladies were nice to look at, the ridiculosity came quick and never ended. So, I walked away scratching my head and wondering why I'd kept watching, maybe it's because it reminded me of Planet Terror, and doesn't Erin Cummings look kinda like Rose McGowan?
This flick caters to a certain crowd, and I guess I'm not one of them. Nudity: Nope. Ass-kicking: Some. Lesbianism: Yes. Humor: A Tad, with the funniest moment being when the mohawk dude hits himself in the crotch multiple times in order to keep his boner at bay. It's better to skip this feature and watch Zoe Bell's Angel of Death instead, or if you like Asian splatterfests, try Hard Revenge Milly.
2 out of 5 Slap-happy Bitches

Desireable Teacher (1981)
Sure, Michela Miti is desireable, but with a lack of screen time, and Alvaro Vitali's attempt at humor, this movie was a waste of time. The fart gags were tired, the humor and skin minimal, and it was so uninteresting that I read other horror blogs while taking an occassional glimpse up to see what was going on. You will get a quick shot of Michela's bare ass as she walks down the hall, but when she decides to bare it all, it's blocked by some dude's overly hairy chest. Shame on the director for allowing this to happen! Don't get me wrong, I like Bigfoots and Yetis, but they have their time and place, and I like naked chicks more. I recommend passing on this one and putting in some Tinto Brass to fulfill your Italian erotica curiosities.
1 out of 5 TILFs

Red Hook (2009)
This flick could also be called Scavenger Hunt of Death, since the premise is that several college kids go on a scavenger hunt and then end up dead. This is a modern slasher movie, but quite lame in comparison to 80's standards (the golden age), and even to the lamest of them. This follows the other horror sleepfests that Phase 4 Films has to offer, Killer Movie and Midnight Movie. Pull any pre-90's slasher film out and watch it instead, heck, even Scream is more entertaining.
1 out of 5 Knives to the Gut

Teachers (2009)
Ha ha, so I have two movies (said loosely) about teachers in the same post, well, this is actually a porno, and not a very good one at that. I watched this on Blu Ray and popped my hi def porno cherry with it. I'd been really curious about how porn would look in 1080p, and I must say, not much is left to the imagination as it shows every scrape, scar, bruise, freckle, mole, stretchmark, and even every hair follicle (even in the netherregion). I could see every vein running through Jesse Jane’s fake boobs, and hi def does nothing to mask fakies! There was even one scene when she was laying on her back (go figure, right?) that it looked like her boobs were deflating, talk about killing the mood! And, she really needs to get into the gym to tone up those legs. I'm pretty disappointed with this experience, as is most when it's "their first time," and not sure if I want to see anymore hardcore in HD. So, unless you're just a diehard fan of JJ (which I'm not), or need your porn fix for the day and nothing else will do, steer away, and maybe try some Chasey Lane or Tori Welles to go to town to.
2 out of 5 Detentions

Oh yeah, and the shirt that got away from me at Fright Rags. Damn, Tarman would have looked bad-ass.

It's limited to 200 pieces, and by the time I made it there (didn't it just go live today?), only men's small and 3XL were left, that is, unless I want to try to squeeze into a women's shirt. Naw, I need a dude's large, so I gotta pass...Grrrr. Oh well, I still have my limited Friday the 13th shirt coming, but I was an early bird, so didn't have to pay 70 bones for it.