Gutterballs (2008)

Buy it now at Xploited Cinema!!

There’s a certain level of growth that’s expected on sophomore projects, and Ryan Nicholson definitely comes back strong with his. His first effort, Live Feed, has been called a Hostel rip-off, so with Gutterballs, he moves into more uncharted territory, bowling alley horror. And, I’m not talking about that strike or spare you didn’t get, busting your ass on an oily lane by stepping over the foul line, or dropping the ball during your backswing, I’m talking about BBK, a bowling bag mask clad killer who takes people out at the drop of a pin.

Rival teams show up at the local bowling spot to battle it out on the lanes, but instead, start busting each other’s head in following the razzing of a cross-dresser, Sam, and jealousy over Lisa. So, the match is rescheduled for the following night, but Lisa realizes she left her purse inside, so re-enters only to find tough guy Steve and his posse waiting for her. What follows is an overzealous and drawn-out rape scene spawned by sheer jealousy and deviance. (Ain’t no fun if the homie can’t have none, right?)

When they return the next night for the showdown, murders start to occur, and with every kill, BBK posts a mark on the scoreboard. And, there are some pretty outrageous kills, including a double-kill in the 69 position, a bowling pin gagging and penis splitting, a ball cleaner machine run ramped, and pretty much anything else you can imagine as death options in a bowling alley, but taken to the utmost extreme. So, what’s BBK’s motivation? Well, it’s Lisa, but you’ll have to watch to find out who and why.

With a kickin 70-80’s rock soundtrack, and a full-blown cooter shot in the first 2 minutes, this film will be remembered. Sure, there are the typical stereotypes: the token black guy (surprisingly the last to die), the tough guy, the jock, the “pretty” girl, etc, and when you’re doing things they shouldn’t, like having sex, you start getting plinked off.

I had to watch this twice, first, I tried with my girlfriend (mistake), and then again by myself. Not that I can’t enjoy a good horror flick with my girl, but when nudity is abundant and a rape scene is present, it doesn’t make for happy viewing. Plus, the humor wasn't on her level, but I think this movie gets funnier with every viewing, since I caught myself laughing where I hadn’t before, and started picking up on subtle jokes.

The most comedic character is the disgruntled and very protective bowling alley attendant (janitor), played by Dan Ellis, who nails the part with his catchy one-liners, situational comebacks, facial expressions, and antics. But, if you’re sensitive to language, beware, because the F-bomb is dropped at least 100 times. That aside, this film has plenty to the offer any horror fan and even those who just like great (crude) comedy. Thanks to Roy for sending me a copy, and once again, I greatly apologize for it taking so long to get this review up. Keep em comin, and congrats on getting picked up by Danger After Dark and distribution through TLA!!

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --4-- BLOOD/GORE --4-- NUDITY --4-- CREATIVITY --3.5-- LANGUAGE --5--

OVERALL RATING --4--

Safety First: the Rise of Women! (2008)

Buy it now at Filmbaby.com!!

Safety First: the Rise of Women! is a good excuse to show lots of T&A, while teaching a little bit about safety techniques that may occur in high-rise buildings.

For example, concerning fire safety, one must remove restrictive clothing to increase breathing (lady takes off shirt and bra), and before using the stairwell to exit, remove high heels to prevent falling (more chicks bare assets). During earthquakes, first seek cover and watch out for falling objects, then help injured persons, but be ready for aftershocks (big boobs shaking).

In medical emergencies, first call 911, then perform CPR if needed, but only if you’re an authorized professional with a full set of teeth. In elevator entrapments, use the emergency call button to alert security, remain calm, and find a happy place until help arrives, such as a deserted beach where clothing is no longer warranted (lady disrobes). These are but a few of the helpful safety hints given to us by scantly-clad, yet informative, powerful women in the workplace.

I stumbled upon this on Filmbaby.com, and after watching the trailer, thought I’d see if the director would send me a copy. To my surprise, he did, and although I feel like such an a-hole for sitting on it for about 2 months before getting this review posted, I greatly appreciate him sending it, and promise that on future projects, I will be much more timely in my review, that is, if he thinks I’m worthy and will give me a second chance.

If you like light-hearted comedy infused with women willing to show their goods for the sake of saving lives, then this is your movie. Plus, the film narrator, Robert Axelrod, sounds like Lloyd Kaufmann, and that in itself, brings a certain notoriety to the film. Clocking in at a mere 50 minutes, and only setting you back about $12 plus shipping, it’s worth the cost to giggle a little, see a little eye-candy, and support this independent filmmaker.

Thanks again to Mac for sending a copy to view!!

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --3-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --3-- CAMPINESS --4-- CREATIVITY --2.5--

OVERALL RATING --3--

Diary of the Dead (2007)

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

It’s been three years since Romero’s last “Dead” installment (Land of the Dead), which you can pick up on Amazon for about a dollar plus shipping. Did it really suck enough to make it to the under $5 bin? I didn’t think so, and I’m not even a die hard fan of Romero or zombie movies, but own most of them. George can be an intellectual film maker, with Martin and The Crazies being two of my faves, but how many more zombie movies can he make?

The film starts out with a reporter on the scene of an accident. The cameraman picks up in the background that the people who are supposed to be dead, aren’t. So, the undead start attacking everyone. Next, jump to the set of an amateur film maker, Jason, who's making a mummy feature. They hear on the radio what’s going on in nearby towns, and decide to check it out for themselves. It’s all captured through Jason’s lense in a docu-style format, which seems to be the latest craze in horror movies these days. One of the girls attempts to kill herself, feeling that the end is inevitable, but she isn’t fully successful, and is rushed to a nearby (abandoned) hospital. Her gun is used to kill some of the lingering undead, and they continue to fight for their lives for the remainder of the movie.

Do you really want to hear more about the premise of this movie? It’s simple, zombies and everything that goes along with them. I'm sure you’d rather hear me rant and rave about how much it sucked, or how grateful I am to grandpa Romero for making another movie, thus hailing him as the undefeated Zombie King. So, here it goes.

It’s too bad Romero relied more on the old zombie stereotypes, slow movement, needing to be shot in the head to die, etc, to drive his story, instead of trying to reinvent the craze he once started. It’s also disappointing to see his mass use of CGI. Maybe he couldn’t afford Savini on this feature, but it was too apparent that it was almost all done behind a computer. Plus, the dialog, script, and acting were crap. Even the parts that were supposed to be funny (the deaf Amish guy) didn’t make me chuckle. When I watch Romero films I have certain expectations, and when it started out so bland, that set the tone for the rest of the movie. But, it did end on a high note, with the execution of a zombie lady hanging from a tree by her hair and getting everything but her upper cranium blown off with a shotgun.

For me, there wasn’t a single thing that screamed Romero. This could have easily been written and directed by a no name and there wouldn’t have been much difference. Yeah, there’s always underlying social and political connotations in Romero’s films, and if you have an internet connection, you have access to pretty much anything these days. This further increases the want to capture and share stuff, as each person seeks their five minutes of fame. I guess that includes me, with my review site and personal blog, so shame on me for being a follower, and not seeking refuge in a bunker waiting for the world to end, but rather contributing to it’s and my own demise.

And, yes, the government and media lie to us, nothing new there, but does Romero hint at a more female dominated society with the strong role of Debra (Michelle Morgan)? And, possibly a resurgence of the Black Panther party in the face of a world crisis? Keep in mind, the intent of the BPP was to speak out on civil rights deficiencies, and to establish a brother/sisterhood of all black people, which is kind of what we see here in one scene. Maybe it wasn’t his intent, but it makes sense.

The undead may very well will inhabit the earth one day, but we won’t really know until it’s all over, right? It’s a shame Romero didn’t dig deeper into his repertoire and come up with a better movie. Diary of the Dead 2 has the green light for 2009 though. Maybe the old man is just broke, and had to make something in order to eat. I’d gladly send him 20 bucks, or make him a Banquet dinner or two. But, I do shame the major studios for not giving him an open-ended check in order to make his films, since dude has proven himself many times, yet they still don’t believe in him. And, maybe working with limited resources and on a tight budget have really discouraged him, thus effecting his creativity. Or, maybe he just doesn’t know how to connect with today’s horror audience, only time will tell.

At first, I thought that by taking the Weinstein route (Blockbuster exclusive rentals), that would shut out a big audience of viewers, but then again, maybe that’s not so bad after all. Problem is, that further forces fans to make the decision on whether to buy or rent, and I suggest spending $4-5, instead of 15-20 and regretting it. It just wasn’t quite a Romero film, so go watch the original Dawn or Day, and reflect on an age or horror that will never be recaptured.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --2.5-- NUDITY --0-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --2-- DIALOG --1--

OVERALL RATING --2.5--

Hunting Creatures (2004)

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

Crazy things always happen at rave parties, remember the blood-sprinkler scene in Blade? It seems like these high-adrenaline, trance induced get togethers go hand-in-hand with vampires, zombies, and other creatures. Unearthed Films, which brought us the Guinea Pig series and Aftermath/Genesis, comes with this German low-budgeter, Hunting Creatures, which is produced by Andreas Papa (are all German horror directors named Andreas?) and special FX by Timo Rose.

A group of young scientists try to formulate an eternal life serum, but after experiments on mice, and then on a human goes wrong, the project is aborted, and the remaining serum is stored in the boiler of an abandoned building. This site just so happens to be the spot where a few friends sponsor a rave, and when the green liquid starts seeping out, all the party-goers turn into blood-thirsty zombies, and the hosts must find a way to stop them.

To makes things worse, the sludge starts leaking into the public water system and begins to infect the town. What follows is a very familiar premise which has been done many times over: get guns, bats, and whatever else you can find, and kick some zombie ass before they get yours.

Nothing really new here, sure there’s a great deal of violence, gore, and an oozing anus scene (possibly the best of all), but it’s like the same regurgitated crap I've seen time and time again. And, although it wasn’t as grueling as Das Komabrutale Duell, it's nothing to run and tell your friends about either. The FX seemed really amateur, and not that I could do any better without some training, but with as many films as Timo and company have under their belt, you’d think they’d at least be able to perfect the realness of blood. Sadly, though, it looks like watered down cherry Kool Aid, and the zombie make up looks like a Halloween kit bought from Walmart. I've read that the cheapest way to do zombie make up is to use wet paper towels, and although I'm sure a little more expense was used for these, it sure doesn’t look like it sometimes. Maybe Mr. Rose should spend a little time at Mr. Savini’s FX school to learn blood and gore basics, heck, even I know that corn syrup is the way to go.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- CREATIVITY --0-- NUDITY --0-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --2--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Walk All Over Me (2007)

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

What’s the last film Leelee Sobieski did? Uh, Glass House, maybe Joyride? Nope, she was recently in 88 Minutes and In The Name of the King, and although I like Al Pacino, I probably wouldn’t go see his movies in the theatre, that is, unless it was Scarface or Carlito’s Way. And, I watched part of In the Name of the King when it released on DVD, but it got too far-fetched and unbearable, so I had to turn it off. Leelee was also in In The Dark, which is easily forgotten, but did star in a little gem called L’Idole (The Idol), where she bares her hiney and has a side bare boob shot. Sadly, it has yet to get a proper Region 1 release. So, my fondest memories of her are still from the first two films mentioned.

Her latest is Walk All Over Me, where she plays naive Alberta, a chick who skips town for Vancouver after misplacing a sum of money and getting a dude beat up. There, she stays with Celene (Tricia Helfer), a friend who has a lucrative business as a dominatrix. Alberta soon realizes that her gig as a grocery store cashier isn’t helping much to eleviate her debts, so she poses as Celene, and meets her first client, Paul. What starts out as a quick way to make some cash, soon goes bad when Paul’s boss and his goons come to collect on their stolen money. Alberta manages to escape with a bag of cash, but it doesn’t take long for the boss to track her down.

With the help of Celene, they tie him up, and hold him as collateral for Paul, and a much greater sum of cash, rumored at 500K. So, even though Alberta and Celene devise a great plan, it becomes a fly by the seat of your pants operation as too many unexpecteds pop up. In short, Celene is taken hostage, but later saved, one goon is jailed, Alberta accidentally stumbles upon the stolen loot, Paul’s name is cleared, Celene is paid back for Alberta’s mishaps, plus some, and it’s hinted that Alberta and Paul will continue their domineering escapades.

There’s just something about Leelee that I’ve always liked. Sure, she’s pretty, has long hair, long legs and a nice body, and is a pretty good actress, but she also carries that innocence with the potential to be bad (and naughty), and in leather and latex with uber-cleavage showing, the enticement is heightened.

On a less positive note, this release is yet another Blockbuster Exclusive, and since I work in the rental business, it continues to piss me off. Granted, rentailers can go out and buy copies from competitors and convert them to rentals, but with Walmart making this an online-only title, and K-Mart and Target opting not to carry it in-store too, it makes it a little tougher to come by. Granted, we have the power of the internet at our disposal, but the “I want it now” urge can’t be fulfilled this way. And, with Blockbuster comprising less than 50% of the rental business, it leads me to believe that someone on the Weinstein board has high stakes in BB’s stock, so that’s why dumb deals like these are made. I have no problem shopping a competitor to get what I want, which is what I had to do here, but I also find it rather selfish for the studios to make exclusives to select retailers, while missing out on the rest of the retail business and punishing their customers. But, I’ll get off my soapbox now.

This movie is definitely worth a watch, but rather than go to BB to rent it, get it from Netflix, or buy it from Amazon or Hastings, one brick and mortar store that does carry it for purchase. The more money we take away from BB, the more likely that after the 3 year contract is fulfilled, Weinstein will opt not to renew it. And, if you’re a fan of Leelee and can get a hold of a copy of The Idol, I highly recommend it.

ACTING --4-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- EYE CANDY --3-- NUDITY (MALE) --1-- AVAILABILITY OF DVD --1--

OVERALL RATING --3.5--

Chainsaw Cheerleaders (2008)

Goth chicks, cheerleaders, scantly-clad women, a couple of chainsaws, what more can you ask for?

Badgirl Dawn kicks her boyfriend’s ass for cheating on her, and in order to avoid catching a case, she has to attend anger management training by joining a cheerleading squad. In an attempt to fundraise for the team, she goes to the Barker house, a residence rumored to be inhabited by weirdos. While giving her spiel to the woman who answers the door (a wannabe witch), she sees a body bag on the floor in the distance. She leaves, but later returns with the other girls to dispell any disbelief, and witnesses the summoning of an ancient witch (Tiffany Shepis), who enters one of the cheerleaders, Bambi, shortly thereafter.

Bambi is pretty hellbent on doing what witches do, carrying on the traditions and beliefs of the old world, possibly gaining world domination in the present, and killing anyone who gets in the way. Problem is, Dawn’s new best friend is a chainsaw and she’s not afraid to wield it. And, since two saws are better than one, and cheerleaders are a sisterhood, she adds Chassy (Jackey Hall) to her arsenal.

In short, Bambi’s attempts are thwarted, she loses her head, and the witch’s portal is closed…or is it?

There’s quite a bit of camp in this movie and the opening scenes had me very skeptical, since the acting and dialog seemed really forced and simplistic. But, as the story progressed, things got better, and Chassy’s ditzy, blonde-motivated one-liners had me chuckling. Also, there are several scenes where the chainsaws were (supposedly) running and cutting, but no blade was moving, and they didn't even appear to be turned on, which added to the camp, but I'm sure was done for safety reasons.

My first thoughts were of the movies Cheerleader Ninjas and The Majorettes, and even if these weren't influences, several others were prevalent. Even the first look of Bambi with horns reminded me of Night of the Demons and Return of the Living Dead 3. For being low budget, I think the CGI elements were carried out well, but I would have rather seen more physical FX and creativity, because I wasn‘t really digging the worm-like creature tie-in to the story. Plus, I’ve seen Tiffany Shepis in much better roles, and although it adds to a film's credibility, Debbie Rochon could have easily been replaced with someone else willing to bear their assets.

Even with the rocky start, I enjoyed this movie and will probably revisit. The only problem is that it's a DVD-R, and after locking up and sputtering on two different players, I ended up finishing it on my desktop. But, there’s no doubt that this could easily get picked up for distribution through Brain Damage Films or others, and I look forward to more good things from this director.

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --3-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- NUDITY --2-- TRUENESS TO TITLE --3-- DIRECTING --3--

OVERALL RATING --3--

Das Komabrutale Duell (1999)

Buy it now at Amazon.com, even though I strongly suggest you don’t!!

It’s apparent in the first few minutes of Das Komabrutale Duell that blood will fly and not let up until the end. A guy is left for dead after having a run-in with the Eightlets Mafia, a gang of punks who take no mercy. After getting patched up by the doctors, he emerges 10 years later, hell bent on revenge. After that, the story gets pretty mudded, and what follows is a myriad of ridiculous blood splatter and fake body parts a plenty.

Dudes get shot, beat down, chainsawed, dismembered, and their heads blown in, yet they get right back up ready for more punishment. Is this the new breed of Superhuman? Maybe the long, lost secret weapon of the Gestapo? Nope, just some guys making a horrible student film with cheap FX, lots of watery blood, and very unrealistic and not so entertaining gore.

I can hear it now, “Hey Mom, look what me and Johnny did, we made a movie!” This film is right up there with Andreas Schnaas’ Goblet of Gore, which rates high on the turd-o-meter. Crazy, simple-minded Germans, you’d think the wall had never fallen. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the German culture, the language (and can speak a little), and their food (yum, a Brat and some Schwarzwald Kuechen), but this is a disgrace to filmmakers worldwide. And, I have to wonder how many poor mannequins were sacrificed during this film? I can only hope they got paid for the extra scenes they were recycled for later.

So, I drudged through about 45 minutes of this, and then had to fast-forward through the rest. Had they spent some time perfecting the gore and FX, or at least made it more tolerable, used realistic blood, and compacted it into a 30 minute short (no more than), it may have been more bearable. But, this has to be in my top 10 worst movies of all time, and I’ve sat through some real garbage.

So, I continue to ask, what happened to the glory days of Jorg Buttgereit, and will we ever get those back? We can only hope that up and comers Christian Alvart and Andreas Bethmann will carry the torch and continue to perfect their style. Now, go watch Nekromantik 1&2, Schramm, Exitus Interruptus, and Antibodies. Even JFK was reppin the old school, “Ich bin ein Berliner!” Remember?

ACTING DONE BY HUMANS --1-- ACTING DONE BY MANNEQUINS --3-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- NUDITY --0-- RIDICULOUSNESS --5-- LIKELIHOOD OF EVER REVISITING --0--

OVERALL RATING --1--

Grand Theft Auto IV for PS3

Buy it now!!

Game reviewers every where have been quick to jump on the GTA 4 band wagon. The series has a legacy which is rivaled by few and might account for the positive reviews. While I agree that this is a good game it makes very little improvement over the previous games. The targeting system is still garbage. The camera angles for game play outside of the vehicle are still garbage. Car control has gotten harder. Say goodbye to the great “B” movie tributes and lengthy radio conversations. The characters of this game are new and unappealing. The graphics are better but it is not as quality as most games in the next generation. GTA in this outing seems to be mediocre and rushed. The missions are still fun and the game overall is enjoyable but there is no wow factor in this game. Hopefully Rockstar will reach a little deeper the next time they roll out another GTA.

Graphics --3-- Gameplay --2-- Blood/Gore --3-- Gimmick --3-- Multiplayer --2-- Excitement --3--

OVERALL RATING --3--