Lost Boys 2: The Tribe (2008)

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The long-awaited follow-up to the classic vampire movie, Lost Boys, just hit shelves this week in hopes of rejuvenating a new generation of fans. It’s been 20 years since the original was introduced, and although it's still viewed on the big screen and has a huge cult following, Lost Boys 2 (The Tribe) had a direct-to-DVD release.

This story opens with a group of surfers intruding on someone’s beach front property. This someone is Tom Savini, and when he comes out to flex his muscle and shows his fangs, he’s rudely ripped apart and beheaded by a new generation of blood suckers. The core story revolves around Chris and his sister, Nicole, whose mother passed away, so they decide to move to a friend's rental property and become the new meat in town.

While hanging out at the pier, Chris meets fellow ex-surfer, Shane, who appears out of nowhere, and invites him to a party. This party has lots to offer: breakdancing, boobies, drinks, bellydancing, and fellow surf rivals. While Chris is preoccupied with the bellydancer chick in the shower, Shane runs his game on Nicole, who decides to take a ride on his motorcycle. Chris hears screaming, so he abandones his sexual interlude, even after some tempting persuasion not to, to find his sister. There, he finds Nicole with Shane, and after a short altercation where Shane's nose gets bloodied, they head home.

Enter-Corey Feldman, aka Edgar Frog, surfboard shaper and vampire hunter, who comes to save the day when Nicole has her first vampire spell. So, how’d she become a vampire when there was no bite? It’s because she drank the blood of the head vampire from a flask thinking it was booze. Might I add, this is possibly the most ridiculous performance Corey has done. Sure, dude’s probably hurting for money, but to partake in insulting a legacy he helped create (unknowingly, I'm sure, since maybe he thought it was a good script, or just needed the loot), is a shame.

So, since his sister is on her way to vampirehood, and dating the head dude, Chris battles with the idea of becoming one too (isn't peer pressure a bitch), and gets his chance on a night out with the boys. But, while the others are sweet talking their chicks around a fire, and then decide to feed on them, Chris can't make the same commitment, and tries to help his flee. Enter-Corey Feldman, and POOF, the vampires disappear.

This pretty much brings us to the finale, where Chris and Edgar go to save Nicole, but rather than bore you with the details, in short, the vampire clan is extinguished, Shane loses his head, and Chris and Nicole return home, blood-drenched and exhausted. And, as if Corey's one-liners weren't enough, a final attempt at humor is made when the landlady claims she knows what has been going on, and it has marajuana written all over it.

The acting is pretty ridiculous, and with no real emotion. When Chris finds out that his sister is a half-vampire, he doesn’t freak out, doesn’t say any choice 4-letter words, and doesn’t seem worried, but just appears to accept it, and heads home. I’m sure I’d be the total opposite, and although I’d be curious as to what my sister had become, I’d try to steer away, and be in constant turmoil over if I had to take her life, could I do it? The attempted humor in dialog and antics (hey, let’s stab each other and film it) is less than laughable too. I have to wonder if this was even a true attempt at a sequel, since if one had never seen the original, this could easily be a stand-alone movie.

There were only a couple of scenes where the gore impressed me, one, when the vampire starts hacking up blood and other colorful bodily fluids, and two, when the black vampire gets jack-hammered. In multiple scenes, the gore is way overdone, and even exhaustive, like intestines being ripped out, or falling out after being stabbed. Of course, much of the FX were done using CGI, which I’m not a big fan of, unless done well, and believable, which is not the case here.

My Side Show partner, Smokeskrene, said that he thought this is one of the movie scripts that was plagued by the writers guild strike. I haven't done any research to support this claim, but even if that’s the case, then it’s still no excuse for this embarrassing follow-up, since they’ve had 20 years to come up with a better concept. So, instead, it gets lumped in with the other new vampire movies that really suck. I really like the Blade movies, but not the Blade series (Sticky Fingaz in place of Wesley, yeah, right!), and there’s only a couple of vampire flicks in the last few years that are noteworthy. 30 Days of Night is one, and then a lesser known one called Rise: Vampire Hunter with Lucy Liu. So, I suggest you rent or buy those instead, and just remember, you can always tell the hokiness of a vampire flick by the first glimpse of the kind of fangs used. If they’re the tired-ass ones you’ve seen time and time again, or look like the ones you buy for 99 cents at Halloween, immediately take the disc out of your player, and demand a refund from wherever you got it.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --2.5-- NUDITY --3-- LOST BOYS TITLE-WORTHY --0-- COREY FELDMAN --0--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Amateur Porn Star Killer 2 (2008)

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Warning: This review contains explicit language, read at your own risk (of liking)!! If you are easily offended, please skip to the next review.

If you remember, I bashed Amateur Porn Star Killer pretty hard, stating that even Brain Damage Films, The Great American Snuff Film was better. Well, I decided to give the franchise another try, knowing and hoping that even though the sequel was also filmed with no budget and on a handheld camera, it had to be better than the first. And hey, I got it as a freebie, so how could I go wrong? APSK2 comes as a 2-disc set which offers the dumbed-down "Movie" version or the “Snuff” version. Once again, my initial thought was, great marketing, but just how deceiving might it be?

So, being the degenerate I am, I went right for the Snuff version. The film pretty much follows the same premise: The hunt, the stalk, the proposal, the act, the aftermath. Once again, lots of sleep-worthy dialog and storyline with flashback hardcore scenes thrown in. The victim continually teases the cameraman, which causes him to get pissed off, aggressive, and violent. At first, she playfully seems to like it, but then realizes it ain't no joke. After a little fooling around, she tries to make a break for it, but is coaxed back for more sexcapades, where he then chokes her to death and continues to have his way with her. Dude really seems to like dead lays, ehhh, to each his own I guess.

Yeah, there’s a lot of crap to weed through, and like the first, it could have been trimmed down a little, but it still offers full blown T&A, the 3-P’s (the first two P's are words for the male and female genetalia, and the third is when they come together), and even a little oral. Not to mention, the lead actress (Kai Lanette) is nice looking, has a naughty little body, and also has that innocent, yet slutty quality. By far, this film is a lot better than the first, yet still not a masterpiece, and is a must-have for sexual deviants (like my boy Scotty G in the N-Y).

Good thing is, they’ve already started filming #3, and for a mere 50 bucks, you can get your name tacked on as Executive Producer, although you'll hold no creative rights. And, I hear it'll be a 3-disc set, with each version even raunchier than the other, plus they’re working on a 3-D version and using real porn stars. WOW, now that’s great marketing, and even a bigger bang (literally, we hope) for your buck! But still, I have mixed feelings about using porn stars, since for me, the realer the chick, the better. So, we wait and see what Mr. Ryan can deliver.

Thanks to Ana for getting my name on the promo list, I expect big things from APSK3, and hope you can get me a copy of it too. :)

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --4-- SNUFFNESS --3-- DIRECTING --2--

OVERALL RATING --3--

The Stitcher (2007)

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While attending the Texas Frightmare Weekend last summer, I kept seeing a trailer for this movie before each screening. So yeah, it looked a little hokey, even amateurish, but you know me, always the sucker for those kinds of flicks. So, it became available on Netflix last Fall, but was checked out for the longest time (guess I’m not the only sucker), so after a very long wait, it recently came and here’s my take on it.

The premise and storyline are familiar and simple, a group of friends meet at a lake house and are terrorized by something they can’t quite explain. Some people die, some escape, but in the end, the monster is still alive, leaving it open for a sequel.

Like many movies of this caliber, I'll give the writer, director, and producer a pat on the back for trying, but there wasn’t a single thing that made me want to ever watch it again. And, just because there’s a lot of cleavage and chicks in bras and bikini tops, doesn’t mean it’ll be a good movie, granted, the eye candy was a feeble attempt to mask the fact of how bad it really was. The dialog and acting were crap, the kills sucked (off-screen kills with a camera pan back to the victim's bloodied body), the hillbillies were unrealistic and way over-stereotyped, and although there were some hot ladies, who I may add were dumber than a box of rocks, this movie wasn’t even Troma-rific. With movies like this, at least one of these has to be present: gratuitous nudity, this had only one flashback scene at the end, gut-busting humor, there was none, unless you like overdone hillbilly antics or Digger’s Tales from the Potside, or great gore effects, which were absent and ridiculous.

The Stitcher looks like a mix between Scarecrow Slayer, the Dark Harvest dude, and some other scarecrow-hybrid. And, his origin is nothing spectacular in that he’s just the bastard son of a woman who was raped at the local textile factory years before, which caused him to grow up a little off-kilter and start killing people. So, to commemorate his kills, he stitches buttons to himself as badges for his achievements.

Yeah, it's not the greatest horror story ever told, but what can you expect from VCI Entertainment whose noteable releases are re-issues of Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things and Don’t Open the Door? That alone tells you they aren’t relevant in the horror industry.

For those that just can’t seem to get enough of Friday the 13th rip-offs, but want something less dated, try After Dark Film’s Lake Dead. Otherwise, do yourself a favor and watch Madman or anything with Jason Voorhees before he took Manhattan.

Most memorable quote: Digger says to the ladies, “Do you know the difference between a dick and a chicken leg?” (Heads shake No) “Good, let’s have a picnic.”

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --1-- STORYLINE --1-- CREATIVITY --1--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Killer's Moon (1978)

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My friend Paul sent me this in hopes that I, too, would hate it, and warn everyone not to waste their time or money. So, Killer’s Moon has often been referenced as the UK’s answer to I Spit On Your Grave. Yes, there are the similarities of rape and revenge, but to put this in the same class as ISOYG is blasphemous to it’s legacy.

When their bus breaks down, a load of teenage girls and their chaperones are forced to walk to the nearest hotel to stay for the night. The inn keeper’s daughter, Julie, is missing, and four escaped mental patients are roaming the woods looking for a place to stay.

The first sight of blood is from a dog who stumbles into a camper’s tent with a missing leg, and then the game warden is taken out with an axe. Julie, who knows one of the campers all too well (first boob scene), gets raped (off-camera) by three of the maniacs, and then returns to the camp to seek help. The girls at the inn are serenaded by the loons, who then enter, rape, and kill. But, can these guys be held responsible for what believe to be a dream and not reality? Heck yeah, off with their heads!!

The two campers become heroes, and with the help of the dog, who gets his own revenge, manage to get the girls to a safe place and take out a goon or two despite a couple more rapings.

The dialog is pretty dry, forced, and overly British, and the references to Clockwork Orange and Frankenstein are way too obvious. 1) When the lead loon sees his damaged face in a mirror and freaks out, and 2) when he stiffly walks toward the girl by the water’s edge, not to mention the C.O.-style hat the fat guy wears making him look like Hardy, but with curly hair. But, the similarities are no surprise, since this is the country that spawned the Hammer Horror movies.

This is a pretty horrible film, and although it offers several boob scenes, even the most shallow pervert won’t be satisfied. So, don’t waste your time, but go watch I Spit On Your Grave (again), or find a VHS copy of Ms. 45, since it has yet to get a proper U.S. release (but is available as a Region 2 at Xploited), or even watch Deathwish, since Charles Bronson rocks. Thanks for sending this Paul!

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- NUDITY --2-- ISOYG LIKENESS --1-- DIRECTING --2--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Crucifixion (2008)-History Channel

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When a film starts with, “This Program Contains Graphic Images and Depictions of Violence, Viewer Discretion is Advised,” it immediately grabs my attention, and what followed were several scenes of modern-day crucifixions, mostly done as religious rites in reverance of Jesus Christ. But, this isn't a horror flick, it's an episode from The History Channel, which chronicles the history, religious connotation and symbolism, and current uses and thoughts on the matter of crucifixion and how it pertained to Christ's death.

The first proof of it's usage is from the Assyrian empire in the 9th century BC, where it started as impalement, with further displays by the Persian Empire in 512 BC, and by Alexander the Great in 332 BC.

It is suspected that early versions of this were done by tying people to wooden poles, with their hands above their head, and allowing the elements and creatures of the earth to have their way. But, later versions, which were started and perfected by the Roman Empire, are closer to what is depicted in the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. It is further believed that the more popular way of the time was to lower the person onto a vertical beam (a stipe), since they would have already been tied with arms extended to a horizontal beam (a patibulum), and walked through the city in humiliation. This would have also been true in the case of Jesus Christ, which of course, is a small variation of how it’s depicted in art and movies by him carrying the whole cross.

Later, whipping and other torture methods were added, not only as punishment for the crime committed, but also so the bloodied bodies would be more of a spectacle for onlookers, and to help spark fear in those who saw them. Further explanation tells that nails were added as part of the process, along with rope, to help bind the victim, ensure less slippage caused by bodily excrements, and increase humility and pain. Proof of this was found in 1968 in Jerusalem in the tomb of a man who lived in the time of Jesus. It is still debated, however, on exactly where the nails were used, since different methods could prolong death and extend torture.

After Constantine banished the use of crucifixion as capital punishment, it didn’t resurface until 1200 years later, in 1597 in Japan, used against Christian missionaries who were believed to overthrow the regime, and later used by Adolf Hitler against Jews in concentration camps. Today, it’s still done in Sudan, and the cross alone is used to spark fear, as done by the KKK with their totem, a burning cross. But, let's not forget it's usage for the sake of exploitation, sadistic pleasure, and crude humor, as portrayed by underground film director, Bill Zebub, in his films Dolla Morte, Jesus Christ: Serial Rapist, and The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made.

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This was a very intresting program, although it got bogged down in the recreations and dramatic performances. As with most historical reenactments, the acting is questionable, but the facts given by the “experts” were very eye and mind-opening, which made them easy to buy into. I really enjoy watching these types of programs, but my girlfriend doesn’t, so I seldom get to watch them, and will have to watch my 7disc set of Mysteries of the Bible by myself. If you like these types of programs too, this one is worth watching, but if you’re set on the Bible being the final word, and you only want to believe what you’ve come to know through art, popular Christian belief, and possible brain-washing, then I suggest not watching this, since it will only piss you off and may cause you to protest the History Channel. But, I can only hope you aren’t that closed-minded, and will give it a view, then again, if you were such a tight-ass, then you probably wouldn’t be reading my review site, since it contains some content that could be considered sinful, blasphemous, and un-Christian like. Hey, don’t judge me, I’ll take that up with God.

ACTING --2-- EDUCATIONAL --4-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- NUDITY --0-- EXPERT KNOWLEDGE --4-- RECREATIONS --3--

OVERALL RATING --4--

The Tracey Fragments (2007)

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Ellen Page, better known for her role in Juno, and little horror flick called Hard Candy, stars in her newest movie to DVD, The Tracey Fragments.

She plays Tracey Berkowitz, a normal teen girl who has problems of wanting to fit in, rebels against her parents, and experiences love and sex for the first time. Her parents don’t understand her, but aren’t willing to listen either, and send her to a psychiatrist, who is a man dressed like a woman.

Tracey’s life revolves around her rock star boyfriend, Billy Zero, finding her younger brother, Sonny, who she turned into a dog through hypnosis, and battling her depressed outlook on life. Other players are Lance, from Toronto, who she stays with while looking for Sonny, and several mentions of a Myra Bernie, who we don’t see, but hear her infinite wisdom through Tracey's words.

Although Sonny is never found, Billy dumps her after screwing her one last time, and her classmates continue to call her "It," she seems to overcome life’s obstacles and finds a happy place (at least for now).

This film really is fragmented, jumping from one part of the story to the next, with multiple screens showing different situations, points of view, etc. I kept wondering if Sonny truly was lost, or was it just her imagination and a reason to run away. There is a little humor incorporated, which lies in her obsession over boobs, and not having any, and her realization on how much attention is placed upon them, witnessing first-hand how the popular girls at school have and flaunt them. There's one scene where we almost get to see what she has to offer up there, but a few panty shots will have to suffice instead.

If you’re a fan of Miss Page, this is worth a watch, even though I found nothing really great or memorable about it. It just seemed like one more person’s perspective on teenage turmoil and how they deal with it, when I like movies that really push the boundaries, like those from Larry Clark or Vincent Giallo. Heck, even Alpha Dog held more of my interest, but spending a few dollars to rent this, rather than buying, isn't a total loss.

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --0-- FRAGMENTATION --3-- BELIEVEABILITY --2--

OVERALL RATING --2.5--

Xploited Cinema: a sad day for the #1 site for world cinema

Okay, this is not a movie review, but is well-deserved to hold a space on this page, as it effects me personally. So, you all know I like wierd cinema, and proudly stand behind the website Xploitedcinema.com to purchase this product. Well, he has decided to cease operation in it's current capacity, and will decrease his inventory, possibly with an eventual business closure once everything is sold through. It's a sad day, and here's the message he posted on his site.

The Future of Xploited Cinema

All good things must come to an end and that time is near for Xploited Cinema! It has been years since we started selling DVDs to the best customers around the world, but we've made a decision to move on. Xploited Cinema will still be around, but we will stop carrying new products and stop stocking catalog titles.

It was a tough decision since through the years everyone here has given 110% of themselves, but it's time to slow down, rest and shift gears to new endeavors. Are we "going out of business"? Not necessarily since we will continue to ship orders in the same efficient manner we always have, but in the short term leading into the long term we will be carrying less new releases and not re-ordering older catalog titles.

Mid July will be the time when you will be noticing no new titles added to the website and older titles taken off the website once we sell out. All current pre-orders will be processed and shipped as normal. Over time you will notice older titles disappearing from the website. We recommend getting what you want now since all titles will not be re-ordered as we run low in stock or sell out.

I would like to thank all of the customers that have stuck around with us since the early 2000s. For years I have corresponded with many of you via emails and have met many of you face to face at conventions. I can wholeheartedly say that we have the best and most loyal customers a business could ever imagine.

As i mentioned before this hasn't been an easy decision since I've given as much as i could to make Xploited Cinema a successful DVD retailing website, but I just can't keep doing this for the rest of my life. We will be around in some capacity for who knows how long dealing with the day in day out activities we have always been doing. The only main change noticed will be the elimination of stocking new releases and older catalog titles. Orders will be processed in the same timely manner as in the past and order and item related questions will be answered promptly.

From the bottom of my heart I would once again like to thank everyone who has been an Xploited Cinema customer through the years!

Tony Simonelli
July 6th, 2008

We love you Xploited, you've helped make Side Show Review what it is!!

On the Doll (2007)

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When the first scene starts with penis-shaped lipstick, blowjob talk, and two girls (Courtney and Melody) flashing their panties to some dude jerkin his gerkin in a car nearby, you can tell it’s going to be a twisted, sex-charged feature. Come to find out, the jerker is one of their teachers, Mr. Garrett, who later drugs and rapes Melody. Courtney vows revenge, and they set him up, with the end result being his nutbag (accidently) getting cut off.

Balery, a callgirl, wants to run an ad in a sex paper in order to get someone to help her screw over one of her regulars, who carries a bundle of cash and likes sexual perversion. Jaron, aka Jizz, arranges the ads in the paper, and gives money to his boss every week to pay Jimmy, in order to get his sister, Tara, out of the peepshow business. Jaron chooses to help Balery out, and after repeatedly punching the dude in the nuts until he passes out, they jack him for 22 grand. Problem is, the guy turns out to be one of Jimmy’s employees, and it’s his money they took.

Tough guy, Wes, and his girlfriend are in a band. In order to make their big break, they need new equipment so they can record an album. To get that money, she sells her services, and Wes is the driver. She gets a call from a guy who she'd seen before, but upon arrival, he isn't happy, since she's been using her roommate's picture, and that's who he expects. So, he tells her to leave, but not wanting to go empty-handed, she tries hitting him up for a cancellation fee, which he refuses to pay. So, Wes gets involved, gets shot, and the guy ends up running for his life from Wes's pitbull.

With elements of teenage rebellion, deviance, and indecency, this seemed like a Larry Clark flick. But, what set it apart was the lack of nudity, and the semi-climactic ending. So, if it's not Larry's creation, whose is it? It's Thomas Mignone's, better known for his work in the music video industry with Type O Negative, Sepultura, Slipknot, and David Hasselhoff.

I liked this movie, but was a little disappointed in the ending, hoping for one last twist. I’m pretty convinced that Mignone was influenced by Clark, and maybe even Vincent Gallo. A pretty good feature for his first movie outing, and this is a director to keep a tab on, since like Clark and Gallo, he isn’t afraid to push the envelope of what’s acceptable, and doesn't seem to care what may offend his audience.

If Brown Bunny, Bully, Kids, or Havoc are part of your collection, this will easily compliment them. And, highly recommended is Ken Park, which you can pick up at Xploited Cinema as an NTSC Region 0. Sadly, though, it has yet to get an official Region 1 release.

ACTING --4-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --0-- LARRY CLARK-LIKE --3.5-- NAUGHTINESS --3.5--

OVERALL RATING --3.5--

Triloquist (2007)

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So, after reading two slanderous reviews on Amazon.com, and not heeding my own words on Dimension Extreme titles, I rented this movie. Yeah, I’m a sucker, and never trust other’s movie tastes anyway.

Angelina and Norbert’s mom commits suicide, leaving behind her ventriloquist doll, Dummy, to take care of them. In and out of foster homes with abusive parents, they’ve had to pack away Dummy, but are now grown up, and ready to take on the world. They have a dream to relive their mom’s profession, and take their ventriloquist act to Vegas. Dummy kills a kid, Norbert takes the fall and gets committed, and Angelina takes to the stripper stage to make money. Months later, she goes to retrieve her brother, and after Dummy kills the orderly, they make a break for it.

You can tell early on that Angelina has high aspirations when she says, “I’m almost 18, which means I’m gonna need to get a job. Maybe as a model, or a prostitute, I don’t know, but I’m going to make lots of money.” A model, a street whore, hmmm, is there really any difference?

While on the road, they kidnap a girl for Norbert to procreate with, so another male can continue the family name and business. They leave a path of destruction with every stop, and almost get hauled in by the cops, but take care of the situation and hit the road again. Angelina decides the best way to ensure the longevity of their name is to offer herself to her brother, which is welcomed with little resistance.

Dummy keeps trying to convince Norbert that his sister is loco, and they need to bounce, but he never gets the nuggets to do it. In the end, she breaks his heart by telling him his ventriloquist abilities are a hoax, and then she kills him. With Dummy in-hand, she sticks to the plan and heads to Vegas. Saldy, the dream is never fulfilled, but she gives birth to her brother’s child, a boy. She dies shortly thereafter, leaving him in the caring hands of the talking doll.

I kept thinking this movie would get better, but sadly, it didn’t, and actually got worse. Sure, Angelina’s a young, pretty blonde, who will keep your attention, but her potty mouth can easily turn you off, unless that's your thing. Norbert is pretty ridiculous, and doesn’t say a single word until his dying breaths. He just makes stupid facial expressions, and totes the doll around like his pride and joy. Dummy is a sex-crazed doll, who has shotty dialog, an annoying voice, and isn’t even scary when he needs to be. That's no big surprise though, considering the writer and director is Mark Jones of the Leprechan franchise. Did you see Leprechan In the Hood? Laughable because it's so retarded.

What attempted to be humorous, wasn’t, and even with a sprinkling of nudity, mainly from Dummy’s dreams, it couldn’t save this movie. It’s obvious that several scenes were odes to Natural Born Killers and The Devil’s Rejects, but they were less than entertaining, and actually an embarrassing attempt.

I don't recommend watching this movie, and it further supports my opinion of Dimension Extreme releases. Much better “dummy” movies to watch are Dead Silence, Magic, or even Jeff Dunham, but be on the lookout for Black Devil Doll, coming to DVD this fall. View the trailer at www.blackdevildoll.com.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --1-- DIALOG --1-- DIRECTING --2--

OVERALL RATING --2--