To Buy or Not Buy, That is the Question

While I love to support the entertainment industry with my hard earned dollar (both theatrical and physical media), I frequently feel mislead by marketing, and ripped off by studios who continue to release shit. Since I have minimal shelf space left for mediocre titles, I have to be choosy in what I buy/retain, and I’m always torn on whether to buy in hi-def, or just be satisfied with DVD upversion. This decision hinges mostly on price. For new movies, 20 bucks is reasonable for Blu Ray, and for older ones, $10 deals tend to get me every time, even if I already have it on DVD and haven’t watched it in over 10 years!

Week-in, week-out, I watch several movies, and most are crap, but I believe every movie at least deserves a watch, because who knows when you'll run across the next gem. I also have a vast collection of crap, gems, and ones I just can’t let go of due to fond childhood memories. I’m always looking for the next best thing, or the most obscure titles, but I’m not always compelled to do a review on them, nor do I read full reviews on the sites I follow (which are about 10). I would rather read a brief synopsis, and then reasons why I should or shouldn’t watch it/buy it (call it the lazy man's review). So, in order for you to get more out of your precious time spent here, I present “To Buy or Not to Buy,” the first of several movie quickies to help you decide what to spend your money on, to merely rent/stream, or to run the hell away from.

Fright Flick-lame horror movie within a horror movie premise. Had a couple of strippers/porno stars that bared their big fake boobs, but I wasn't impressed with anything. Another “miss” title from Breaking Glass Pictures/Vicious Circle Films, so only rent/stream if you must.

Siren-three people get boatwrecked while trying to rescue someone on an island (unknowingly, a siren). She has them hallucinating, and then kills them one by one only to overtake the female lead who will continue the business of sirening. Two hot females, a side boob shot, deceptive DVD artwork (Go Lionsgate!), and that's about it. Renter/streamer at best.

Hereafter-lame Matt Damon flick directed by Clint Eastwood where Mr. Jason Bourne can speak to the dead, but then falls in love with a chick who has a near death experience. If you just can’t get enough of Mr. Damon, rent it, otherwise watch Good Will Hunting again.

Sharktopus-an ubercheesy "Roger Corman presents" Syfy flick where a military experiment goes awry, and the sharktopus (half shark/half octopus) starts killing everyone. A Corman cameo, a nice looking chick in a bikini, and a heck of a lot of CGI and ridiculousness. Good for a rent if you like these kind of flicks, just add friends and lots of booze.

Hemingway’s Garden of Eden-another flick where Mena Suvari goes topless (remember American Beauty), and a much hotter Spanish chick (Caterina Murino) bares them too. There’s tons of sex, a really ugly haircut, and lots of snoozy drama. Did I mention tons of sex? Rent/stream.

Sugar Boxx-a throwback to the 70-80’s women in prison movies where we do get the norm: naked chicks in prison, an Ilsa-type warden, a corrupt and horny sheriff, but not much cat fighting. It tried so hard to be an homage to the now lost sub-genre, but other than the "too black, too strong" chick, who carried the show for me, there wasn’t much else that was great. I could easily see this ending up as an after dark feature on Cinemax though. Don’t get me wrong, some of those flicks are entertaining, but you get what you get, and I think this would screen well as a drunk night double-feature with Black Dynamite. Rent/stream.

Shadow-what started off as another Wrong Turn style movie (Yawn), had so much potential when it finally got to the creepy dude who was torturing (electrocution and eye lid removal) the three dudes he just kidnapped. Come to find out, the events may have just been playing out in a dude's head (ex-military) from post-traumatic stress. The creepy dude really was pretty creepy, though, I just wish they'd have done more with it. Rent/stream.

Derby-this is an older Code Red title that I got from Netflix, which started freezing up after about 30 minutes (I assume from the big scratches on the disc), so I didn’t get a chance to finish it. It’s about some dude who wants to become a Roller Derbier. From what I saw, the picture and storyline were pretty shoddy, no nudity, but some roller derby chicks (and dudes) beating the crap out of each other. Pass this one up and rent Blood On the Flat Track.

Dang, all these panned out to be just rentals, but there are a few movies that are well worth buying. If you have a Blu Ray player, pretty much any new release from Arrow Films is a winner. They are region-free Blu Rays, but any extra special feature discs are PAL formatted, so you’ll have to have an all-region player or a PC to view them. They come with 4 different artwork choices, great liner notes, and supplemental material. So far, they blow away all the other releases out there, even the ones that Blue Underground carries. They’re newest titles are: Lucio Fulci’s The Beyond (be aware that there was a picture flaw but they are correcting), Dario Argento’s Deep Red, Inferno, Tenebrae, and Phenomena, Battle Royale, and Bay of Blood. I picked mine up at Amazon.co.uk, and the current conversion rate is 1.00 GBP = 1.61216 USD. Basically, I paid about $25 or less per title with shipping, and the Blue Underground ones are going for $20-25, depending on where you buy them. For collectors, it's money well spent!

For video extremists, I highly recommend A Serbian Film. It has yet to get U.S. distribution, but can be found on the web. There’s not much else I can say that someone hasn’t already, but it's a gritty and vile film, needs to be seen to be believed, and is guaranteed to be talked about for years to come. I liked it, but wasn’t extremely blown away by it, yet it continues to linger in my head, and the more I talk to people about it, the more excited I get about it getting an official release. So, find a copy, and experience the chaos.

The last one that gets my stamp of approval today is Taxidermia, which I mentioned in an earlier post. I sat on a Region 2 copy of this film for over 3 years, and when I heard it was getting an official release here last year, I thought it was time to dig it out. Sadly, that didn't happen until this month (a year later), and I was happy, but disappointed that I hadn’t “experienced it first.” See, it tickles me to say, yeah, I've seen that/own that, but it's not released here yet--it just puts me in the cinephile hierarchy. ;) Needless to say, it was all the weirdness I’d hoped for. My girlfriend even sat through it, but raised a brow every so often like, what in the hell are we watching? Heh heh, she’s such a trooper. This film is sure to have you shaking your head, maybe even gagging a little, and will sit well in your collection alongside Eraserhead and Subconscious Cruelty. If you don't have either of those, you better get to it Bud!

I hope this saved you a few duckets, and there's more mini-reviews to come!