Putting remakes aside, have you ever looked at the artwork for a new movie and thought, I've seen that before? I'm sure you have, especially in the last few years, as marketing depts are lazy these days, and just rehash images to suit their needs. I recently had a light bulb experience when I saw the coverart for Nude Nuns With Big Guns, which will be released by Image Entertainment on February 14, 2012. So, what did it look like? Kevin Smith's Red State.
It shouldn't be a surprise, but I was a bit stunned by how similar they look. Sure, one has some chick looking up into the heavens and the other has a nun who's nodding in prayer, but both have a big ass gun, and neither look too shy to use it. And, is it mere coincidence that both stories have a religious base? I’m sure one can find more instances of artwork like this (chicks embracing high caliber weapons), but this seems a bit blatant on Image's part, seeing that Red State was released here in the states first. Now, Nude Nuns was actually released first, overseas, but with different artwork.
I could be totally off base in thinking that Image ripped off Red State, as it may have been part of the international marketing campaign all along, but several websites had this picture when Image announced their release.
All three, a bit different in significant ways, yes! Anyway, Nude Nuns With Big Guns is the second feature from Joseph Guzman, who brought us Run! Bitch Run!, which I unofficially proclaimed as 2009's Movie of the Year. Now, I failed to give Run! a proper review, but it was the holidays, and I was knee-deep in retail hell, so please forgive me. It's one I need to re-watch, then maybe I can give it the dues it deserves.
If you want to pick up Nude Nuns before the pack (like I did), head over to Amazon and get an import region free Blu Ray for about what the U.S. release will cost on Valentine's Day.
Nov 17, 2011
There's something peculiar about Nude Nuns With Big Guns (2010)
Nov 13, 2011
Necronos Tower of Doom (2010)
When I think of German horror, Jörg Buttgereit, Olaf Ittenbach, Andreas Bethmann, and Andreas Schnaas come to mind. While I’d say that Jörg mastered the craft with Nekromantik 1&2 and Schramm, I hear good things about Olaf, but have yet to see any of his films (even though Premutos and Dard Divorce sit in my collection). I ran across Andreas Bethmann several years ago through Xploited Cinema, and really liked his work, but Andreas Schnaas's Goblet of Gore looked like a 3rd generation VHS dub and seemed a bit too low budget for me (maybe it was just the copy I had).
This brings us to a new name in German splatter cinema, the Rohnstock Brothers (Lars and Marc). I ran across a mention of their newest film, Necronos Tower of Doom, while browsing the internet filling my head with “all things new in horror.” Since there’s so much out there, and everyone’s making a movie these days, I put on the Side Show waders and looked for the cream of the crop. I liked what I saw in the trailer for Graveyard of the Living Dead, and sent Infernal Films an e-mail requesting a screener, not knowing if Necronos had even been completed. Lars replied, and sent me a copy of Necronos, saying that Graveyard was out-of-stock, but he'd be getting more soon.
The basic story is this, Necronos is a wizard who makes a pact with the Devil to gain immortality. In return, he has to enslave the souls of his victims to build the army of darkness, who will do the Devil’s dirty work until he can come to earth and rule. But, the army ends up being a bunch of pussies, so to push progress along, the Devil requests that Necronos find a virgin witch, and send her blood to hell (this will strengthen the army). Well, the witch he finds turns out to be a slut, and so the undead horde remains flaccid, which gets him caught by the king’s men, stabbed repetitiously, decapitated, dismembered, and burnt.
Quite a chunk of plot to swallow, I know, but years later, he comes back to finish what he started, now armed with a demon henchman, Goran, to help reassemble his army, and an old witch to help find a virgin with “the gift.” What follows is a bunch of people getting kidnapped, bound, sliced and diced, beheaded, thrown to the zombie horde, juiced (a big machine actually does this), and impaled. And this time, Necronos is finally the victor, so hell on earth shall commence (maybe that'll be in Part 2).
I must say, I wasn’t disappointed with this film. It delivered tons of blood-splatter, boobs and full frontal (male too, for the ladies), and severed body parts a plenty. The one big gripe I have is about the runtime (a bit over 2 hours). Once it hit the hour 30 mark, my interest had peaked, and the bogged down story took a backseat to me just wanting to see the next visual assault…...or more boobies!
There were some great gore moments, though, which included the double decapitation, animation of the berserker (who was really only used for one scene :( ), and the pregnant lady sacrifice. While I don’t condone Preggosploitation, I give them props for having the balls to take it to that level, I mean, these days you gotta compete with what the French are bringing (the movie Inside). And, one of the most stand-out scenes is the vaginal impalement, an obvious ode to Cannibal Holocaust.
When low budget films try to tell a semi-complex story, there's almost always downers. The decapitation card was played one too many times, and the zombie horde’s feeding frenzy did nothing for me, but became a bit comical. The beginning of the film is supposed to be in medieval times, yet the female captives all have nicely shaven nether regions (and it looks like one has bikini bottoms on). And while I liked the look of Necronos, he was way too wordy and pointed a lot (even in the picture above), and even though he's supposed to be a demon, Goran looks like a mixture of Jason, Freddy, and Santo.
In all, it’s a pretty decent flick, one I’d definitely watch again, and will play at drunken parties. I look forward to seeing their other feature, and thanks again to Lars for sending this. I have high hopes for the Infernal Films camp, and expect much more bloodshed in years to come. If you’re a fan of German horror, check out the Brothers Rohnstock. It’s worth noting that Andreas Schnaas and Timo Rose helped with this film too, and if you look further into German underground horror, you'll see it's like a brotherhood, they're always helping with each other's films. So, maybe Goblet of Gore deserves another try, but until then, I'm gonna blow the dust off Premutos and give Ittenbach a whirl. Bis später!
Nov 10, 2011
Free stuff I've won
What’s better than cheap shit? Free Shit. And, I sure do like winning, especially when it’s horror DVDs and such. I've had a fairly lucky streak over the past couple years, so I wanted to share with you some of my wares.
My latest win is from The Jaded Viewer, who I’ve drawn wisdom, humor, and inspiration from for several years now. Trying to get rid of some of his garbage movie screeners, he held a contest, and in order to be entered, all you had to do was leave a comment. Well, my comment won ("Even if you win a lump of shit, you’re still a winner"), and I got to choose from Ferocious Planet, Savage County, or After Dark Film’s Fertile Ground. I’d already seen two of the three, and didn’t have any interest in Ferocious Planet, so I chose to revisit Fertile Ground. So now, I sit here holding it in my hands as if it were my precious. I'd like to thank the Jaded one again for his hospitality, and please check out his site.
Earlier this year, from Dollar Bin Horror, I won a copy of the Stull DVD (a short movie about the supposed Gate to Hell located near Lawrence, KS), and a Michael Jackson Thriller Comic shirt.
My name was even announced on their radio show a little past the 57:40 mark, and can be heard here. You may need to watch the stupid commercial and let the file load for a minute before you can get there, but yeah, I played it back several times, just to hear my name (I'm egotistical like that).
A couple of Christmases ago, I won a copy of the Silent Night, Deadly Night 3-5 movie collection from Freddy In Space.
You've heard about his blog on here before, and if you haven't started frequenting it, you should now. When asked, "What’s the scariest thing about Christmas?", I said, “A zombie baby Jesus.” And eureka, out of 109 other comments, mine won. For once, my wit earned me more than a punch in the face or a kick in the nads.
A month or two before that, I won the Late Bloomer DVD from Fangoria magazine, but still have yet to watch it.
And, while it wasn't really won, but rather requested, Dr. Terror was nice enough to send me a pair of his exclusive 3D glasses, so I could view his 3D post. I already had a pair that would've worked, but wanted to be part of the "in" crowd, so I asked if he'd send me a pair, and he didn't even hesitate. I didn't have to say the secret word, do the handshake, take a beatdown, or anything. And, thanks to Freddy in Space for sharing the link, otherwise I wouldn't be a part of the 1%ers. Dr. T has some creative thougths and ideas, and also writes for the Blood Sprayer, so be a kind fellow (or lady) and follow his blog.
So, I guess all the time I’ve wasted on reading blogs and tinkering on the internet has really paid off. I also can’t forget those who have sent me screeners for review. While I know I still have some to watch, I thank you for having faith in my abilities, and taking time out of your busy schedules to send them. Also, a big thanks to my industry connections, who have sent me stuff over the years: Tony (Xploited Cinema), Kathy (Koch/eOne), Tony and Kim (Ryko/ADA/WEA), Terry (Magnolia Pictures), John (Hastings Ent.), Strand, Hart-Sharp, Alternative Cinema, Ariztical, and Wolfe. All of you have contributed to the success of this blog, and helped make my movie collection even more insane than I could have imagined.
And, as if I didn't have enough movies already, if you know someone who has a film (short or long) they’d like reviewed, just let me know. While my reviews and interests may seem a bit jaded, I’ll watch about anything, and the crazier the better. That's what makes being a part of the Side Show so much fun! Thanks to all who read this, and for Christmas I'm not asking for money, just pay it forward and tell a friend about this site. But if you must, gifts are always welcomed and appreciated. :)
