Nude Nuns with Big Guns (2010)

For the past couple months, I’ve been pretty uninspired to do reviews or watch any genre movies. Maybe the recent move and career change are to blame, maybe I’m just in a complete funk, or maybe my tastes are changing (let's hope not). But, with my lady out-of-town this week, I decided to watch Nude Nuns with Big Guns, which as I mentioned before, has been sitting on my shelf for several months now, even before the U.S. release in February.

So, does it live up to it's name? Are there nude nuns? Yes, several. Are there big guns? Yes, but sadly, no bazookas (ha!). Are there nude nuns with big guns? Not really, but it makes for a great title anyway. I feel that many other films have captured the old grindhouse feel much better, and while I really wanted to love this movie, as I did Run! Bitch Run! (by the same director), I wasn’t really sure what it was trying to achieve. Is it supposed to be a true homage to other exploitation flicks, merely poking fun at them, or just trying to entertain on it’s own accord (with the help of familiar genre themes of course)? Maybe it requires more than one viewing, and/or maybe I'm trying to look too deep into it, but I walked away unsatisfied. Damn, that's what she said!

Was it a fun movie? If the 3 B’s are your only requirements to make it a fun venture, then I guess it achieves that, but for me, it was simply just watchable, with a few decent scenes. I do feel like the lead nun (Asun Ortega) was a great choice. She’s pretty, sexy, maybe even a bit mysterious, played her part well, and wasn’t afraid to bare her goods (bush included), plus, she was willing to make out with other chicks, even somewhat convincingly. But, everyone else was pretty much forgettable, acted poorly (possibly intended?), were given shitty dialog, and merely became fodder for Sister Sarah (light bulb!…was that the whole intention I missed?).

There are some things I have to call bullshit on, though, like the amount of shooting skill this nun had. It's like prior to joining the convent, she'd spent some serious time at the shooting range...or was it the hand of God guiding her?, because pretty much every head shot (and there were plenty), no matter the distance, was dead-on. I also noticed that the dead clergyman under the sheet took a breath as the head nun and lead biker entered the room. Some of the most subtle things catch my eye. The Titty Puller strip club was clearly a From Dusk Till Dawn reference, which I rolled my eyes at, but kept thinking that the witch doctor could have been played by Tommy Chong, which would have been an even slyer nod to the Tarantino classic.

I don’t really feel like this was intended for the hardcore nunsploitation fan, but rather a wider 42nd Street-type audience. Sure, there's nun nakedness, but it's more of a biker-western themed nun revenge flick, which attempts to exploit multiple sub-genres, like the newer film Dear God No!. On a side note, I'd really like to see DGN! on the screener list for Texas Frightmare Weekend, as I've heard nothing but great things about it.

Nude Nuns just had me walking away wanting to re-watch The Killer Nun, Alucarda, and The Other Hell. And while it’s sure to please some folks (heck, the tits alone may do that), for now it’ll just get lumped with the other films I really hoped would become conversation pieces, but ended up just being so-so, and therefore fairly unmentionable.