Slave (2009)

Opening with a dead chick lying topless on the beach, Slave starts off with a bang, and builds anticipation of what's to happen next. While there are moments of perversion and boobage, the end result is rather blah, and we're left with a void from what the opening scene created. Essentially, this film is about a man’s attempt to start a committed life of marriage, but it gets overshadowed by his childhood baggage (a broken home and absent, reckless father), and the trip that would not soon be forgotten.

Before tying the knot, David and Georgie decide to visit his now wealthy dad in order to make it official. But, instead of being there with open arms, he isn’t home, so they get taxied around by his personal chauffeur, and decide to hit the town. At a club, Georgie decides to better their chance of getting in by name dropping (This is the son of ...), in which they get preferential treatment from the manager, are immediately seated, slipped some complementary pills to help set the night's mood, and are bid a happy evening. This is where the downward spiral begins…

While his woman is sweating the night away on the dance floor, he makes a b-line for the pisser, but upon return, she’s gone, and everyone plays dumb as to where she’s at, or that she even existed. Was she was kidnapped? Did she fancy another dude and leave with him? Did she melt into a puddle like Frosty? It’s time to shake some people down and try to find out what happened. But, doesn’t this always happen to newcomers in a foreign land? Hello? Hostel anyone?

Indeed, she has been kidnapped, and by a psychotic Russian dude who preaches Muslim gibberish. Lucky her, she was chosen to be a part of his doped up harem of love slaves (and sacrificial lambs). And, is it any surprise that daddy dearest is involved in this whole thing? So, with the help of a friend, well, fellow victim because of his sister's kidnapping, David and company travel to the yacht where Georgie and sis are being held. Once aboard, they bust in like Scarface (Say hello to my lil friend!) and blast everything in sight.

Not so much like this...
...but more like this.
The end result is:

1) Lots of dead people.

2) David thinks he sees his dad boning Georgie, so he tries to shoot him, but the gun is empty, so he gets his ass kicked by his dad, but he musters up the strength to return a mega ass-whoopin, possibly killing him. (In reality, pops was trying to get her coherent enough to help her escape, but from David's point of view through a partially closed door, it looked like dad was roadhousing her.)

3) David's friend shoots the Russian, who in turn slices his sister’s throat, so he then blows off his own head for causing her death.

4) In the end, Georgie decides to leave David, after seeing a side of him she never knew existed. (I guess bludgeoning poor pops into a meat sandwich doesn't fall under For Better or For Worse.)

Slave isn't a horrible movie, but is quite misleading with a cover that should have been used for a torture porn/slave trade flick, rather than a drama. Sure, there’s several boob shots, lesbo sex, blood, and a bit of depravity, but this is clearly a drama, much to the likes of the movie Taken, just not as eloquently done. While the marketing team at Phase 4 Films may get an applaud for an interesting cover, I think the international release more fairly respresents it.


This movie wasn’t a total waste of time, so I say rent it, unless you can pick it up for under 10 bucks (and that includes shipping). Instead, I recommend you buy The Disappearance of Alice Creed. Sure, it has flaws, but offers more substance, some quirky, yet unintentional humor, and Alice roped to a bed in the buff. AND, the artwork doesn’t steer you wrong, other than maybe downplaying the actual contents.

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- NUDITY --3-- SCARFACE INFLUENCED --4-- DAVID’S LUCK --1--

SLAVE'S OVERALL RATING --2.5--

Scandalous Gilda (1985) and Tanya Roberts flicks

So, after a fairly crappy night's sleep, I got up at 9am and started watching movies. Since I recently bought a few for a friend, I thought I'd sneak in a preview before passing them on and collecting my dough. Geez, it seems like forever since I posted anything, but work has take it’s toll (and keeps taking), plus I haven’t really had any inspiration. So, I thought, let’s ride this pony again and see where it takes us.


First up was Scandalous Gilda, the debut release from the new indie company One 7 Movies. It was okay, and had several boob and bush scenes, problem is, neither of the females were very pretty, but luckily, were blessed with bodies to drool for (*wipes mouth*). While this movie plays out like a familiar Italian love/hate story, there was a bit more quirkiness. See, the lead actress (Monica Guerritore) hooks up with a guy who just so happens to be a cartoonist, so embedded in a mediocre story of revenge through sexual gluttony, is a cleverly placed animated featurette, where a community of male genitalia celebrate the arrival of Scandalous Gilda. Although it lasted maybe only two minutes, it was the major takeaway from the film for me, AND, it's not everyday you get to see cartooned ding-dongs (which make me laugh).



Another familiar face is Gabriele Lavia, better known for her role in Dario Argento’s Deep Red, but will steal your attention during the opening scene. I applaud One 7 for the great transfer, and even with an incomplete English audio track, it dances circles around most Mya Communications releases. The biggest downfall, however (much like Mya), is that no special features are offered. But hey, it’s their first venture, so I'll cut em a little slack, in hopes that things will only get better with their release of Sins of Madam Bovary and Chinese Kamasutra in January.



I suggest you give Scandalous Gilda a chance, and help support this budding new company in a time where others are shuttering or consolidating (bye bye Code Red in 2011). It’s trying times, so if you want to continue to see unreleased Eurocinema, screw relying on Netflix to stream it, just buy the damn thing. Hell, you can always resell it if you hate it, and you'll sleep well at night knowing you just contributed to a worthy campaign. Besides, can you really go wrong with Edwige Fenech and Joe D’Amato? Don’t front, open your wallet today! For a more in-depth review of Scandalous Gilda, visit Cinesploitation.


My second feature of the day was Inner Sanctum with Tanya Roberts, and it was presented in it's true early 90's VHS glory, although it was on DVD (an Asian import). The picture was a little muddy (VHS quality upverting from my Blu Ray player), and Tanya’s accent and dialog were ridiculous. But hey, it is what it is, and Tanya pops the twins out several times, which is really the matter of importance. Our bodacious vixen's best line is: “I hate to upset your apricot, but I don’t like being taken for a chump.” Diehard fans of Ms. Roberts should enjoy it, otherwise save your money and buy a ridiculously expensive copy of Beastmaster (now out-of-print).

Release the beasts!
I also watched another Tanya flick called Purgatory, which is a sad attempt at a women in prison feature, and I really don't remember a damn thing about it (aside for the boobies). Then again, these features are highly forgettable anyway, and I was writing this post while watching it. Again, you’ll see Tanya in all her naked glory, but you’ll have to have a region-free DVD player in order to view it, as it has yet to be released in the states. The DVD will cost you $20 or more, whereas the VHS is about 5 bucks plus shipping, so rejuvenate that old top loader!

It wasn’t the most productive or compelling day of movie watching I've had, but dang it, I got three watched, AND a post up, so I feel pretty accomplished. The holidays (which started in September) have been brutal, so thanks for bearing with me. I have an assload of movies to watch, and while most would be overwhelmed by the plethora, I'm an ass-kickin mo fo like Charles Bronson, so I can't be faded. Stay tuned for more reviewing/bashing, and thanks for reading!

Dude, the stache alone says Back the Fuck Up!

Cheap Horror Blu Rays at Best Buy

I’m not sure how long the sale goes on, but BestBuy.com has some sweet deals on horror Blu Rays, including Adam Green’s Hatchet, Spiral, and his latest, Frozen. These are ones I haven’t seen in under $10 bins elsewhere, and are great additions to any hi-def horror fan’s collection.

For a mere $9.99:
Amityville Horror (original)
Carrie
Children of the Corn (original)
Craft
Dead Snow
Dawn of the Dead (Romero)
Evil Dead
Halloween (John Carpenter)
Halloween (Rob Zombie)
Hostel
House of the Devil
and for $12.99, Let the Right One In

Sure, you may pick up others on impulse, like the Resident Evils, Underworlds, or even There’s Something About Mary, but for ten worn out Washingtons, you really can’t go wrong. Keep in mind, the prices in-store may not reflect what you saw online, but just ask, and you can score the same deals. So, start building your list, check your local store for inventory (or be lazy and stay home), and have an even happier Halloween this year. Remember, horror movies make great Christmas gifts too. :)

Defiled (2010)

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

I picked up this movie at the Cinema Wasteland movie convention this last weekend. As I browsed the Alternative Cinema table, it caught my eye (I’d seen an advertisement for it prior to this), so I snagged it up, along with Diary of a Sex Offender, for a mere 30 bucks. Sure, I knew it was a low budget flick, and I might get burnt, but rather than sit and wonder all weekend, or go home with regret, I took the plunge, as I often do, not only to indulge in my sick curiosities, but to educate my trusty Sideshow followers (thanks Heather and Paul).

The basis is that Cassidy wants to fulfill a rape fantasy, so she invites (via the internet) anyone willing to carry out her request. All they need to do is show up after midnight, and leave afterwards (ain't no cuddlin going on here). But, the rapist doesn’t make tracks after doing the deed, but stays to kill her best friend, then torment and torture Cassidy, and anyone else that comes around. We find out later that Cassidy’s wild fantasies stem from an incident when she was 12, where she was molested by her father’s drunk friend. The rest plays out like a cat and mouse, rape-revenge style of movie.

So, what makes this movie any different than all the other “I can make a movie cause I got a camera” rubble out there? To be honest, not much, as it does have some gore and boobies, and a few funny lines, but the rest is plagued with mundane dialog and storyline, as well as a dark picture and questionable audio, especially during the money shots. And, as a general rule of horror movies, the killer should never take off his/her mask, that is, unless they’re grotesque (to shock and awe), or create the Whodunit?/Scooby-Doo ending.

There’s not really much else to say about this other than it’s only a must-watch if you’re an extreme fan of these types of movies, or a sucker like me. Did I get burnt? Yeah. Do I regret buying it? No. The great thing about taking a chance on movies like this is that you can re-sell it if you don’t like it, and there’s always others just as curious as you are. Recouping all you spent is rare, but getting something back is always a plus. And, I'm not sure who the lady on the cover is, but it's not Amanda Myers, the chick who played Cassidy. Damn marketing people.

For me, the most memorable quote is: “Ya know, I hope someone really fucking rapes you one day, see how you fucking like it.”
This brought a chuckle, even though there's nothing funny about rape, but this was said after Cassidy and her partner for the night were trying to play out her rough sex/rape fantasy, and he failed to deliver. I guess you have to see the scene to really get it.

This should be played as double bill with Diary of a Sex Offender, or Forgive Me for Raping You, Bill Zebub’s directorial debut for a movie her didn’t write. When watching these movies, make sure there’s lots of alcohol, and a house full of ignorant, testosterone-driven dudes, as they're sure to yell obscenities at the screen, say things that are highly-inappropriate, and cheer at every sight of womanly flesh the camera has to offer. But, really, this is the only way to watch these, as your perversion will be embraced, rather than feeling like a troll in your own home. Dang, I just told on myself.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- NUDITY --2-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --1-- CREATIVITY --1--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Antichrist (2009)

Antichrist is an odd movie, and many people have turned up their noses in distaste and deemed it absolute garbage. Some have walked out of screenings, but me, I come with the mindset, the weirder the better, and even though this title has been on my radar for well over a year, I just kept putting it off. I don’t know why, maybe I feared it’s excellence would change life’s perspective, or it would overtake The Exorcist as the greatest movie ever made. Even when my buddy, Paul, insisted I watch and review it several months ago, I didn’t take the time, even when I could have streamed it on Netflix. So, it wasn’t until I bought an import copy for about ten bucks on e-bay a few weeks ago, that I decided to give it a whirl. The opening premise is tragic, yet simple: While mommy and daddy are making babies, their real baby (who’s not supposed to be up and scurrying about) falls from a window to his death. And so, the following story unfolds…

(Although I’d like to take credit for insightful viewing and breaking this movie into “chapter selections,” this is actually how it was done, so boo on me.)

Chapter One: Grief: It’s pretty much Defoe psychoanalyzing his wife as they journey through the woods to find solace after the tragic event. See, he’s a therapist, and has taken it upon himself to help her. Here’s where they set up the pyramid of fear (Fearamid? Yeah, I just made it up), where once you reach the top, you’ve overcome it. In this case, the woods (Eden) is the first step to conquer before facing the unknown.

Chapter Two: Chaos Reigns: I really didn’t take much away from this other than more psychoanalysis, a bit more dementia and resentment, and a talking/self-mutilating fox, which made me think of The Fantastic Mr. Fox (I don’t know why, that’s just how my mind works), minus one George Clooney voiceover.


Chapter Three: Despair: This is where the story took an odd, yet interesting turn, and where the true horror elements and dementia came into play. Kind of like the tension in the sledgehammer scene from Misery, but here, Defoe’s wife drills a hole through his leg (with a hand-turn drill), then wrenches a wheel grinder onto it, so he can’t leave. But, that’s after she knocks him out, and jerks him off until he ejaculates blood. **me scratching head (no pun intended)** Yeah, watching it unfold is just as confusing as you trying to comprehend what I’m telling you, but that’s what happened. When he awakens, he tries to seek refuge in an animal’s den, but is found by his Kathy Bates-esque wife, shovel-shanked the crap out of, and taken back to the house.


Chapter Four: The Three Beggars: AKA Say goodbye to the clitoris. What I gather from this scene is that because her son died while she was having sex/getting off, she’s been unable to fulfill her sexual urges since, so she cuts off her clitoris with a pair of scissors, so the feeling will subside. I could be way off, but that’s the best I got. So, Defoe finds the wrench, takes the wheel off, strangles his wife, and then burns the body...all in a hard day's work.

Epilogue: The last scene, which can be interpreted many ways, is Defoe standing on a hill, as many women appear and climb to the top. My best guess on this (which is probably wrong) is that the wife has been relieved of her self-torment, thus conquering the fear of self (“Me”), the unknown at the top of the pyramid.

Sure, I was left dumbfounded, and even after a second watch, still quite confused. It’s very atmospheric, has surreal imagery, and is very thought provoking, maybe even moreso than my little nugget can handle/comprehend. And, much like an Alejandro Jodorowsky film, I’m sure some of the scenes will pop into my head when I least expect it. But, I must let it meander amongst the other demented thoughts up there, before I can conclude whether it’s sheer greatness, absolute crap, or merely just a Yeah, I saw it, and might revisit again on a cold/rainy day.

This title was picked up by Criterion and will be released on November 9th. Now, just because they put their stamp on a movie, doesn’t make it the end all, be all, but alongside Salo: 120 Days of Sodom and Videodrome, it fits perfectly. If you like oddball movies such as Holy Mountain, El Topo, Subconscious Cruelty, Begotten, or some early Lynchian shit, I urge you to give this a gander. There’s even some nakedness and penetration to satisfy the more perverse viewers, but be aware, it’s more arthousy than pornographic. And, where else can you see the Green Goblin having lots of sex, and being put in compromising positions without Spiderman present?

Buy it now on Blu Ray at Amazon.com!!

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --0-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- NUDITY --4-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --4-- GUARANTEED TO CONFUSE --5--

OVERALL RATING --3--

Not just another black t-shirt in the closet

While Fright-Rags and Rotten Cotton may be the premiere horror t-shirt sites these days, I’m always looking for less traveled ones who offer something, well, less mainstream, and ones I won’t see on others at horror conventions.

I just received my 2nd shirt from up and comer, Creepy Tees, and I must say, it looks as good as the advertisement. Granted, I’ve never seen The Mutilator (which is in DVD purgatory with Code Red), but do own a bootleg copy, and really need to watch it soon. I can’t wear a shirt that I haven’t seen the movie, right? Well, it’s a damn sweet one none the less.


My other score, thanks to the blog Z For Zombies, which I frequent, is a more lively take on Lucio Fulci’s Zombie. I’ve seen a lot of Fulci shirts, but it wasn’t until I saw this one, that my wallet jumped out of my pocket and demanded I put my money down. So, head over to Joel Robinson's site and check out his stuff.


And, if you know of other sites that offer cool-ass horror related shirts, please let me know, and thanks to Z For Zombies, Creepy Tees, and Joel Robinson for helping me add these treasures to my collection. Expect to see me proudly wearing these soon, and especially at the Cinema Wasteland convention in October. I publically claimed them first, so if you were planning on wearing them to the convention too, please pick something else. :)

Someone's Knocking At Your Door (2009)

What do you do when you’ve just taken a hit of the good shit, and then hear a knock on your door, only to be greeted by a butt naked chick that you’re not sure if you’ve met before? In this case, you get sodomized by a dude that looks like he just walked off the set of The Hanger. This is the fate of a med student, Ray, and the opening scene in Somebody’s Knocking At Your Door.

What better way to mourn the death of a friend than to have a party, right? As Justin wakes from his Xanax stupor, he sees everyone sexing and boozing it up, but rather than grab a beer and join the party, he’s troubled and wants to talk about it. So, he shares that he just saw Ray lying dead in the morgue, but they pawned it off as a drug-induced side effect, and continue to live it up. The next scene we see Ray’s cold body on the slab, where the autopsy shows that his tongue was bitten off, he was penetrated by a 15 inch phallus, and he has deep scratches on his back. Dang, does Freddy Kreuger swing both ways now, or is this just another entry in the Death Factory series?

So, the police interrogate them, and as it turns out, the last time they saw Ray was when they were doing drugs and listening to the psychiatric evaluations of well-known killers, John and Wilma Hopper. (As if the drugs wouldn’t make you paranoid enough… ) And so, one by one they start getting plinked off by the naked and perverse killers, which included several ding-dong scenes, yes, the infamous 15 inches is unleashed, and what I like to call the head-first birth re-enactment (in reverse).

While all of this is supposed to be for shock and awe, and maybe a giggle or two, I have to ask, What's the recent rage with showing dicks? Now, I have nothing against films with male nudity, unless it's gay porn, but showing dicks just for the sake of showing them is a bit ridiculous. Sure, the dick gag can be humorous, when done at the right time, and when meant to be funny (kinda like the fart/poop gag), but not as a means to carry the storyline. (Hmm, maybe that's why I didn't care much for Bad Biology either.) Has male genitalia been taboo for so long that we must exploit it every chance we get now? Maybe it’s just the type of movies I watch (horror/exploitation/weird shit), but the one-eyed snake is becoming more and more mainstream, and that’s not necessarily a good thing, not even for the female viewer.

Come to find out, it was all a dream/hallucination while Justin was under the influence, and while movies like Trainspotting have done it better, not all is lost with SKAYD, as there is nudity and blood/gore, but it’s not for every viewer (including this one). I like over-the-top movies (Header/Sick Girl), and often recommend them to off-beat viewers like myself, but too many dicks in one place, usually means that either egos will swell and a fight will break out, or other things may swell and I’m in the wrong place. So, if you actually liked Bad Biology, or even Watch Out (also from Breaking Glass Pictures), you might like this one, otherwise explore the world of deadly female anatomy, like Teeth or Sexual Parasite, both of which will make you grab your package and hang on for dear life.

On a side note: I noticed familiar faces from Easter Bunny, Kill!, Kill!, the black dude now plays a stuttering druggie named Joe (aka Spaz), Remy plays a detective, and Ray (the pedophile) plays an officer, and has an offbeat black phallic joke while in the morgue. All of these guys have talent, and while I didn’t really care to see a fat guy covered in blood running cock-eyed (ha ha, literally) because he’s lugging around a king king dong, something tells me we’ll see these guys again in more Breaking Glass/Vicious Films.

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- (MALE) NUDITY --4-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --3-- ORIGINALITY --3--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!