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OVERALL RATING--3-- |
Apr 18, 2009
Weirdsville.
Buy it now!!
The Wizard of Gore (2007)
The movie’s main focus is on a young man named Edmund Bigelow that’s played by Kip Pardue. We don’t really know much about the man at the start of the film, and unfortunately we don’t learn much more as time goes on. We know he survives off a trust fund, which explains why you never see him do anything remotely like a job, and that he passes his time putting out a small newspaper that deals with the strange and occult. We do learn that he has a girlfriend named by Maggie that’s played by Bijou Phillips. We learn even less about her than we do the main character, but for some reason it just felt like we didn’t need to learn anymore than we did. Crispin Glover also stars, but more about him in a minute.
The movie start’s with Ed’s curiosity about weird things leading him to a magic show featuring Montag the Magnificent. This is Glover’s first chance to shine, and if you’re looking for a character that’s a little too over the top, he delivers. Glover’s character is also my main reason for not liking this movie. He’s not in every scene like Pardue is, but his scenes are so annoying that by the end you’re really glad you didn’t see any more of him than you had to. I was personally ready to shoot him by his second time on camera, and there was about an hour of film left if I remember right. His costume consists of a white suit that for some reason has a huge bulge where his package would be. This isn’t something I think anyone would really notice, except they make a habit of using shots where this is in your face, and you really can’t miss it.
The magic show consists of Montag’s helper coming out and warming up the crowd through some pretty cool FX, topping everything off by biting off the head of a rat. At this point the crowd get’s disgusted and someone stand’s up and starts to leave (It’s always a suicide girl). It’s right at this second that Glover appears, and suddenly has the person up on stage about to perform some kind of magic trick using her. The formula is simple, and repeated I think 5 or 6 time throughout the film. Montag pulls someone up on stage, give a little speech, appears to kill the person, and then shows them to be just fine. Everything would be just fine were it not for the fact that every time he does this, the girl is found dead the next day. What follows this first example is a never ending cycle, with some private eye elements thrown in to liven things up a bit. It’s at this point that the film starts to get hard to follow, as we’re suddenly dealing with things like mind control drugs, Vietnam war stories, and a repeated effect that looks like it came out of the Matrix. I won’t ruin anything major, but I will say the big plot twist at the end is sort of a letdown, and that at least I felt like I had seen it done somewhere before, but I wasn’t able to place where or what movie. When they finally do explain everything, I was able to follow what was happening up until the very end of the movie, but I wouldn’t be surprised if quite a few people out there will finish the movie and just scratch their heads about the whole deal.
My final thoughts on the film: Acting-it was pretty solid all around, but Glover’s character just made me want to shoot myself, and he doesn’t let up anywhere in the movie, so I guess you can give him credit for being consistent throughout.
Humor-Not really too much to speak of, I can’t really think of any time at all when I laughed actually.
Blood/Gore-Well given the title you would expect this to be a high score, but it’s only average. The title made me think of rivers of blood, and sadly the gore is really confined to a few select parts of the movie, other that that we really don’t see too much.
Nudity-Again not as much as I would have hoped, but I feel that’s because the bottom of the cover promotes the fact that we see suicide girls in the film, and when I thought of suicide girls I thought of naked women. Sadly, this is just as reserved as the blood is, although you do seem to see the two mostly at the same time.
FX-I have to give this a good score, as the film did have some pretty good FX throughout. Any movie that has a girl getting her chest cavity opened up and makes me think that’s really has done it’s job well.
Plot twist-Like I said, I felt like I had seen it before. That aside it is a pretty descent attempt at something you might expect from M. Night Shyamalan, although it will be pretty hard to follow unless you were really paying attention throughout the movie.
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OVERALL RATING--2.5-- |
Apr 15, 2009
Cannibal Cheerleader Camp (2008)
Scene 1 starts out with a cute chick (a stripper) blazing up a joint in the bathroom stall while awaiting her turn on stage. She gets the call, and while gazing in the mirror, someone comes from behind and slices her throat.
Scene 2 takes us to the camp where we meet the tough chick (and her shotgun and knife), two blondies (which seem rather close), the shy, nerdy girl, and another blonde chick. One by one, they get plinked off in slasher movie fashion, but not before throwing in a zombie twist, and an ending where evil once again prevails.
As with most horror shorts, several things remain unanswered: who is the killer? where did he/she come from? why does he/she kill? And, the biggest question, why was this called Cannibal Cheerleader Camp, when there isn’t the slightest inkling of a cheerleader present? Maybe there’s something I overlooked, maybe there’s something beyond the sex, boobs, lesbo shower scene, cute chicks, and blood that I missed? Or maybe, it was just a cool title that couldn’t be let go? Who really knows, but I liked it, and although it had all the major elements of a good horror movie crunched into a short running time, I’d really like to see it expanded into a longer feature. Now maybe a full-length feature isn't warranted, but something with a more character and plot depth, more great visuals, more explanations, and more of the essentials (gore, sex, and nudity).
Thanks to Paul at Ten Sundays for sending this. I really hope to see a longer feature in the near future, and if it’s not Cannibal Cheerleader Camp, then I’m sure it’ll be just as entertaining.
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OVERALL RATING--3.5-- |
Apr 10, 2009
Zombie Cheerleading Camp (2008)
Three chicks get a flat tire on their way to cheerleading camp, and of course, there’s no cell phone signal. Lucky for them, three dudes come along and offer their help, getting them to their destination, and promising to fix the tire later. We notice almost immediately what the camp has to offer: an overbearing coach, her overzealous gay son (the best male cheerleader ever), a gay chef, and a perverted caretaker.
While "the dudes" are on their way to a fishing hole, one gets attacked by what appears to be a rabid squirrel. Thinking it was just a fluke occurrence, and only later realizing it’s magnitude, they bandage the wound and continue with their day. They run into the same chicks later, who just got through swimming (skinny dipping), and make plans to hook up that evening for blunts and brews. A little bedtime fun occurs, and one chick is bitten, thus starting the zombie onslaught. One cheerleader infects another, then the caretaker, and on and on. You can pretty much guess how the rest of the story goes, so I won’t regurgitate details you’ve seen before, but will say, that even though there’s really nothing new here to the zombie genre, there is a decent kill scene with a chainsaw, a set of boobs (same girl numerous times), and campy humor, including a funny scene with a chick playing with a severed head.
You can definitely tell that ZCC's creators are fans of the genre, but a major flaw is in the fluctuation of the audio, which jumped from, Shit, where’s the earplugs?, to Where’s my hearing aid? Other than that, it offered a nice dose of decent looking chicks (in and out of cheerleading attire), a nice helping of blood and gore, and a few laughs, even though more boobs could have been thrown in for good measure (I’m a perv, I know).
On a side note, I found it quite interesting that although I was approved for a screener, before shipping it, I was sent a short questionnaire in order to make sure I was in the "right viewing audience" and wouldn’t hammer them on the review. I totally understand, having been involved in a very, very low budget zombie film myself (Undead on Arrival), but hey, not everyone is going to like your film, and any publicity is good publicity. But, here’s what I was asked, and if you’re interested in my answers, just let me know:
a.. How old are you?
b.. Are you sensitive to gay humor?
c.. What is your favorite Troma movie?
d.. What is your favorite funny film?
e.. What is your favorite low budget film?
For fans of indie movies, and more specifically low budget zombie flicks, this one’s for you. Granted, there are a slew of them out there, but Jon and his crew at JAF Productions, have a finished product they can be proud of, and it's sure to gain a following. Jon, thanks for sending me a copy, and I look forward to your next film.
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OVERALL RATING--2.5-- |
Mar 11, 2009
Cannibal Terror (1981)
Obviously taking inspiration from Cannibal Holocaust, Cannibal Ferox, Jungle Holocaust, and Franco’s own Cannibals, this tries to cash in on the popularity of the genre, but becomes a weak and unentertaining entry. And, I’m sure if Franco had had more involvement, there would've been more sex and nudity to offset the boring plot and overused gore scenes.
Petty thieves, Roberto, Mario, and Nina, decide to kidnap the daughter of a wealthy automaker in order to score it big. They meet up with Mickey, a girl hired to drive them through the jungle to their drop off point. The jeep overheats, and when she goes to get water, she’s taken by a tribe of cannibals (Indians as they’re called) back to their village where she’s killed and eaten. Familiar premise, huh? These cannibals look far from primitive, and not even from the same tribe, or from a tribe at all. Not to mention, their face paint looks like a kindergarten finger-painting contest. And, to further the inconsistency, when Roberto and his gang hear Mickey's gunshots, they jump back into the jeep and haul-ass outta there, making it to their final destination (Antonio’s house) just fine, even though the radiator was supposedly out of water and had smoke rolling from under the hood. This just sets the tone for things to come.
Once introductions are made, Antonio leaves for a bit, while his wife, Manuela, decides to take a bath (which is located outside). Hmmm...probably not the best idea with a house full of strangers, but hey, mi casa, su casa I guess. Mario takes an interest, and when she notices his oogling, she grabs her clothes and runs away, only to be chased, tied up, and raped. When Antonio returns, he finds her (still tied up) and vows his revenge, but then they party the night away as if nothing happened. And, to add insult to injury, Manuela rubs all over her assailant as to say, thanks for raping me, please do it again. The next morning, Antonio invites Mario to go hunting, and they wind up at the same spot where Manuela was assaulted. With gun in hand, Antonio ties Mario to the same tree, with the same rope (still hanging from the day before), and signals his cannibal friends to have their way.
The rest of the movie is pretty much run, chase, and kill scenes. The cannibals, oh I mean Indians, kill a few, and sacrifice a few of their own, while the wealthy father comes with his own posse to get his daughter. In the end, the family is reunited, and Roberto and Nina die in the same fashion as Mickey, split down the middle with guts hanging out, just right for a cannibal feast.
This was possibly the worst cannibal movie I’ve seen. Granted, there was one scene where I was slightly impressed by the realism of the special effects (in the first kill scene), but still, it's easily forgotten as is the rest of the movie. I've read that Franco’s Cannibals is even worse, and I do own it, but will be lucky if I get to it in the next 6 months. :(
Well, it’s great to be back, and I hope not to disappoint my loyal following (of five or so) with anymore long hiatuses. I apologize if this review seemed a little rushed, or was not very insightful or entertaining, but hey, it’s been a while and I gotta get back into the groove. But, you can look forward to reviews of Zombie Cheerleading Camp and Mindflesh here soon. Thanks for reading, and maybe this year we'll see the resurrection of Smokeskrene!
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OVERALL RATING--2-- |
Oct 22, 2008
Last House in the Woods (2007)
A family of three are driving home, when they hit glass in the road, and the car goes out of control and hits a tree. Mom and son seem fine, but father is either badly hurt, or dead. Mom runs out in the middle of the road to wave down a car, which hits her dead-on. The driver then stops, gets out, grabs a rock, bashes her head in, and then loads her up and drives away. Meanwhile, little Johnny witnesses it all while hiding in the nearby trees, but then runs to find help.
While Reno and his chick are relaxing on the side of the road after doing the deed, a couple of frat guys come along, beat him up, rob them, and attempt to have her give them oral gratification. Another car (Antonio and his wife) comes along, and Antonio pulls over, rescues the girl (Aurora), and then pulls out his gat and tells the frat boys to scat. Reno and Aurora are then taken to their house, and while Antonio tries to comfort her, his wife doctors Reno. But, just when Antonio makes his move on Aurora, his son, Giullo (pronounced Goolio), comes running around the corner. Immediately, you realize that something isn’t quite right with Giullo, because he appears to have fangs and a blood-like substance around his mouth.
Antonio goes to check on Reno, but then comes back with a syringe and some liquid sure to knock Aurora out. She makes a run for it, and finds Reno tied up in Giullo’s room. She jumps out the window, scales the front gate, and treks down the road in her Converse Cons, while Antonio drives after her. When she sees his car, she b-lines into the woods, and after hearing groaning and growling behind her, she makes tracks again. She stumbles across an RV, which appears to be a savior, but is inhabited by something you may have seen in The Hills Have Eyes, and are Antonio’s kin.
The frat guys run out of gas, and when they pull over, they hear screams and decide to investigate. Aurora is taken back to Antonio’s house, and the frat guys follow, only to pistol whip Antonio with his own gun, and then have their lives taken by “the family.”
The final scenes beg the viewer for compassion, but instead, made me think of After Dark’s movie The Hamiltons, and the little brother they kept locked up. The tie-in with the first of the film, is that the little boy (and his mother), were used as meals for the vampire son. This is where you’ll see one of the most ridiculous props used in a movie. The little boy is still alive, but his arms and legs are severed. Yeah, like I couldn’t tell the kid’s head was coming through the back of the prop and the body was a puppet. In the end, Giullo attacks his mom, and Aurora goes running away.
Really, the only similarities to TCM are a chainsaw and a cannibal family. Had they kept it to just the family of three, it might have been more entertaining, because once the mutants entered the picture, my interest lessened. But, the stand-out scene is where one of the frat guys pops the mutants second neck, a boil-like thing, and like an overdue festered pimple, it explodes all over his face. Quite distasteful, and maybe even puke-worthy for the squeamish, but reminiscent of scenes from Street Trash.
Sure, there are chicks in bras and panties, but even had real nudity been present, it still wouldn’t have saved this flick. One of the cheesiest lines I’ve heard is something to the effect of, “I want you to draw while we make love…” Yeah, like I want my girl to concentrate on something other than me trying to please her. Heck, if that’s the case, I’d have her washing dishes or cooking dinner while I boned her.
Many times, dubbing takes away from a film, and I often wonder how much better it would be reading subtitles. Granted, had this not been dubbed, it probably wouldn’t have made it any better, but I guess GHU thought that the general public would steer away from it, and others in the series, if they were presented in their original language. This just shows how stupid most American’s are when it comes to film watching, like the ones I deal with on a day-to-day basis when it comes to widescreen vs. fullscreen, but that's a whole other blog in itself.
I just have to ask, what’s happened to Italian horror? Once the melting pot of originality, exploitation, and erotica, has now been dumbed down to rehashes, regurgitations, and snoozy cinema. This is another crapper in the GHU series, and I only hope that at least one will be worthy enough to make it into my collection for future viewing, rather than watching, hating, and forgetting. Go pick up some Mario or Lamberto Bava, some Fulci, or Dario Argento instead.
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OVERALL RATING--2-- |
Oct 19, 2008
Cannibal Doctor (1999)
As part of the Kinky Cannibal (Cannibal Sacrifice) double feature from Alternative Cinema and Factory 2000, we have Cannibal Doctor (1999). Michelle (Misty) comes to see Dr. Ben Orange about a secretary position, and after a thorough examination of her driver’s license, a few personal questions, and a physical examination, she has the job. This is where Misty goes through a normal physical, her weight and blood pressure are taken, her legs and waist are massaged (checking circulation and bone structure), her shirt is lifted to check breathing, and her skirt is removed to further examine her waist, butt, and again her legs. Doc must have a leg fetish! This goes on for what seems like forever, and I had to fast-forward a bit. The whole time, Michelle is nervous, uncomfortable, and oblivious to what may come next.
He then takes her measurements, has her do knee bends, and then asks her to touch her toes, while he stands behind her, admiring the view, and massaging her breasts. He then asks her to sit on the table, while he steps in the next room, fills a syringe, and returns and sticks her with it. This puts her in a very relaxed state where he can examine her further, first by removing more clothing, then massaging her feet, and just when he's about to make it to her honey pot, his wife, Dr. Margaret (Tina Krause), busts in, shooes him out, and makes her get dressed.
She then leads drunken Misty to another room, disrobes her (all but her panties), and lays her on a bed. She runs an electric massager up and down her body, removes her drawers, and then pours baby oil on her and rubs it in. Meanwhile, Mr. Orange watches through a window in the door, while Misty’s hairy muff steals the scene. He then re-enter the room to set up the equipment, but quickly exits. Mrs. Orange ties her to the bed, gives the signal, and the machine is turned on to cook her. Misty struggles and screams, but the result is a cannibal meal fit for two.
Mr. Orange offers his wife an after dinner drink, which must have had the same concoction in it as the syringe, because it knocks her out. He then takes her to “the room,” strips her naked (all but the panties), ties her to the bed, and then cooks her too, along with Michelle’s brain. This causes the two to fuse, and his wife becomes his new secretary. Thus, another Bill Hellfire film complete.
I have a couple of groans about this movie. One, a plot oh too familiar to Torture in Satan’s Rape Clinic (see my review), too many drawn out scenes, and an ending that wreaks of Hellfire genius, or should I say, stupidity? I’ve praised Big Will before, because I do think he was ahead of his time in certain aspects and did try to revive that 70’s grindhouse feel, not to mention spawning the career of the iconic Misty Mundae, but too many times, his stories lack depth, atmosphere, and creativity, and the only reason one would watch them, me included, is because of Misty (and the other ladies). So, Will, kudos to you for convincing these ladies to get naked on film, and allowing us to enjoy them too.
The next feature in the set is Dinner For Two (2000), which I will review at a later date, since I have to take his films in stride. For die hard fans of Misty, this is a must-have DVD, but keep the remote handy, like in your other hand, so you can quickly get to the parts you want, without wasting time on the rest.
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OVERALL RATING--2.5-- |
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