Summer School (2005)

Buy it now!!

Charles is a reviewer for a horror movie website (huh, go figure), but attends summer school so he can slum his senior year. Having watched a movie marathon the night before to get caught up on reviews, he falls asleep waiting for the others to arrive, but each time he wakes up, he faces a new nightmare. Are they real, or merely a delusion caused by a poor night’s rest and what he saw on the tube the night before?

The nightmares play out like this: The class hottie, Lindsey, leads him on a cat and mouse chase, which ends in a Black Mass ceremony, where he’s the guest of honor. He gets caught up in a giant spider infestation, where he’s the main course, his teacher and Officer Klein gun down everyone in the school in Nazi SS fashion, his friends thirst for his blood and try to get it at all costs, he wakes up to a little backwoods excursion where all redneck stereotypes are played out, and then he gets his own revenge on all those who have wronged him.

Classmates Steve, Dennis, and Lindsey, show up in pretty much every dream (nightmare). Steve has strong overtones of Jack Black, Dennis looks and acts like Corey Feldman (maybe it’s the sideburns, or the hat), and Lindsey’s a temptress throughout. And, Charles (Simon Wallace), although an amateur actor, nails his part and carries the film’s emotion.

This film cost $8000 initially to shoot, and about 40K after post-production. It's really well shot for being on such a shoestring budget, not to mention, pretty high quality for using an all-amateur staff. You can tell that all parties involved are hardcore fans of the genre, and using their vision, wanted to cover all horror subgenres. It’s definitely one of the better ones I’ve seen in a while, and is held as the new standard for what I expect from future filmmakers. Sure, it has flaws, but is easily watchable and entertaining.

I look forward to much more from Random Creature Face, and thanks to Mike for sending me a copy.

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- NUDITY --0-- CREAVITITY --3-- UTILIZATION OF RESOURCES --4--

OVERALL RATING --3.5--

Skateboard Kink Freak (2008)

Buy it now at Xploited Cinema!!

Welcome to the mind of Maria Beatty, porn disguised as art. S&M, bondage, gagging, spanking, domination, DP, big ole floppy boobies, not very pretty chicks, and a punk rock hairdo are what comprise this film.

Now, I like erotica, and porn, when it’s done well, but after about 15 minutes, I got bored and had to fast-forward. Maybe it’s because rough sex really isn’t my thing, or that I require variety, since it was the same two chicks for about an hour of footage, either way, I just wasn't digging it. And, only one was taking a beating, and a heavy one at that, so I’m sure ALL her crevices ached after this shoot.

This was my first experience in watching a Maria Beatty creation, which was purchased on a whim along with Richard Kern-Extra Action and Extra Hardcore. In the beginning, there’s a shot of someone riding a skateboard, so I wondered where else this might come into play, since the title is Skateboard Kink Freak. So, at about the 30 minute mark, the victim is tied to one, and receives even more punishment (and pleasure) than before.

Other titles in Beatty’s library include The Black Glove, The Elegant Spanking, Ladies of the Night, Let the Punishment Fit the Child, The Seven Deadly Sins, Lust, and Sex Mannequin, which all have similar content, just different locations, chicks, and tools of the trade. I probably won’t be revisiting her work anytime soon, since the trailers for these didn’t entice me either, I just really hope Richard Kern has more to offer.

ACTION --3-- HUMILITY --4-- BLOOD/GORE --0-- NUDITY --4-- APPEALABILITY (FOR ME) --2-- HARDCORENESS --4--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Guatemalan Handshake (2006)

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

Guatemalan Handshake is a quirky little film revolving around a power surge, a man/dog/car’s disappearance, and a demolition derby. There’s Don, who’s kind of a mix between Napoleon Dynamite and Bad Boy Bubby, Stool is like Napoleon's brother Chip, Turkeylegs reminded me of Vada from My Girl, and there's a few elements reminiscent of Juno.

Everyone's searching for something in this movie. Turkeylegs is in search of Don, and on a quest for life’s answers, Stool is in search of love (and some action), and finds every opportunity to take off his shirt, Sadie is in search of her father’s (The Guatemalan) acceptance, and the winning trophy at the demolition derby, grandpa is in search of his electric car, and the combination to the lock on his shed, and the old lady next door is in search of her dog.

If you like the off-beat humor of Napoleon Dynamite, Juno, Eagle vs. Shark, and Film Geek, then this is right up your alley. As with N.D. and Eagle vs. Shark, this film made me chuckle a little during the first viewing, but subsequent watches are sure to bring even more laughs as the others have, and still do today. If you haven’t seen Eagle vs. Shark or Film Geek, then make it a high priority, as they're little pieces of independent (and overlooked) cinema that are well worth the time.

ACTING --3.5-- HUMOR --3.5-- BLOOD/GORE --0-- NUDITY --0-- QUIRKINESS --4-- WORTH THE TIME --4--

OVERALL RATING --3.5--

Toastee Exposed (2007)

Buy it now at Adult DVD Empire!!

Ya know, I’m not above reviewing porn, heck, remember Succubus and Girls of Tattoo U? So, once again my curiosity got the best of me, and I picked up Toastee Exposed. Yeah, I’m talking about Toastee (aka Jen) from VH1’s Flavor of Love and Charm School.

What started as highly anticipated, ended in disappointment and posted on e-bay. Sadly, it followed the same tired-ass "homemade movie" formula I’ve seen many times: a little intro convo, she teasingly disrobes until naked, then caresses herself, the cameraman gets a little feely-feel, and it ends with a little sucky-suck.

Granted, Toastee has a naughty little body, and although she’s a bit on the giggly/ditsy side, okay, a lot on that side, it was a pretty decent 24 minutes. Yep, you heard me, a measly two dozen minutes of running time, with really no extras, and this DVD wasn’t cheap! Had I read a little more before impulsively buying, I’d have saved a small wad of cash, but then again, I probably would’ve convinced myself that it would be the best 24 minutes of porn I’d ever see, and forked out the money anyway. Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids. (But this DVD isn’t!)

If you can pick it up for around 10 bucks, it’s worth it, otherwise, convince your friend to buy it, but don't laugh in his face, then borrow it and see what Miss Toastee has to offer. Can I get some butter with my toast? Why yes, yes you can (and will).

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --0-- NUDITY --4-- EXPLICITNESS --3-- BARGAIN FOR MY BUCK? --NO--

OVERALL RATING --3--