Hell's Half Acre (2006)

Buy it now!!

About a year ago, I requested this film for review, but was denied. I don’t remember why, but with a few more reviews under my belt, I felt confident enough to go after it again, and this time it paid off. What initially sparked my interest in this film is that it reminded me of other slashers (Jason, Michael, etc), and even though I knew it was a low budgeter, it showed potential, so I had to give it a chance.

When a movie starts out by pre-empting just how extreme it is, I find it not only humorous, but cautionary. It sets the stage for either a great campy ride, a big disappointment, or even utter disaster. For Hell’s Half Acre, this “warning” comes in the form of a public service announcement by Dawn Reed, the founder of WUCP (Wake Up Call for Parents), who calls it “the most filthy, disgusting, horror film.” After viewing it, she was so appalled that she started the organization in order to educate and warn others of it’s evil, and to get government involvement in better regulatory procedures.

This 7 minute PSA immediately screamed camp (Troma style), and although it got a little tedious, I knew that what to come shouldn't be taken too seriously. And, when boobs were thrown in within the first minute of the film, it was a good sign, but sadly, they were the only ones to appear.

The setting is Ennisburg, PA, where three dudes are looking for their missing friend, Val. They stumble upon her dead body in a shed, and believing the culprit is the property owner, Bob Moore, they bum rush his house, tie him and his kid up, douse them with gasoline, and set the house ablaze. (Insert humor) The street address of the Moore residence is 187 Valerie Lane, and the news station that covers the story is WKIL Channel 8.

Now, present day, it appears that Bob (or his son, Derek) has returned for vengeance on the entire town. Nicole and her boyfriend are sharing some quality time parking, but Skully (as I call him) appears, bashes in the truck's window with a sledgehammer, and then does the same to the boyfriend’s head. Nicole runs for help, tells the local P.D. what happened, which is taken lightly, and they promise to inspect the scene the next morning. (The next morning? What kind of cock-a-maymee law enforcers are these guys?) Her story checks out, and even though there's no body, it’s clear there was foul play. But, in the distance, the officers see Skully, and after a short struggle and a chase, he kills them.

People start getting plinked off, and Nicole, being one of the lone survivors and having nothing else to lose, goes after him. She's able to get in several shots and hacks, but ala Jason and Michael, he's only down for a minute before getting back up to continue his massacre. J&M moments are plentiful, like when he turns to give “the look,” or just stands there observing his prey (J&M were voyeurs too ya know). But, then my hopefulness is blown when he starts running after people. See, I’m old school, and fast moving slashers do nothing for me (that’s one thing I hated about the new Friday the 13th). It’s much more entertaining to see them walk, but still end up in the same place as their victims, who were running their asses off. An exception, but I'm sure there are others, is when Leatherface is chasing Sally (Marilyn Burns) at the end of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. For whatever reason, I can accept that he was running, even though it was clear that he was holding back since she was slower than molasses. And, zombies are just the opposite, they have to move fast in order to please me, definitely faster than George Romero’s undead slugs.

But, unlike J&M, Skully uses a whole gambit of murder weapons: a sledgehammer, machetes, shotguns, pistols, etc, and takes no shame in wiping out a whole church of people. In the final scene, we see Skully standing on the top of a building watching the city burn, much like in V for Vendetta, and I kept thinking that a much needed theme song in this instance would be Burn, Hollywood, Burn by Public Enemy and Ice Cube. Of course, this isn’t Hollywood, but you get the picture, and if you want to be picky, it wouldn’t be hard to replace the city names with current technology.

The one thing I didn’t quite understand was the ending. Either in an act of guilt (provoked by Nicole), his feeling of accomplishment (killing everyone including Nicole, who isn't really dead, but we'll roll with it), or a combination of both, Skully plummets himself off the building (ala Crow style) and gets impaled on a street sign. I mean, dude could disappear and reappear, so why did he have to kill himself? It’s almost like the director needed an ending, but wasn’t quite sure how to wrap it up, and thought, "Yeah, that would be a cool scene," but wasn’t sure how to fit it in, and even though it really didn’t fit the storyline, was like, "Screw it, let’s do it." Even after a 2nd viewing, I'm still puzzled.

But, in low budget films, you have do what works, settle for what you got, and make the best of your resources. One of the best scenes is when Skully barrels through the door, knocking it off the hinges, and it hits a chick in the face. After watching the special features, it's explained how it was totally unintentional, and actually resulted from a miscue, but hell, it made a great scene none the less. I also really liked when Skully bashed the truck window in, it seemed so real and natural, and at that point I was really rooting for him, that is, until I saw him running, GRRRR.

This is a movie I’d watch again, but probably with friends and beer. I'd like to thank Sean for sending me a copy, and hope another feature is in the works. Nice accompanying music by Spitshine.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- NUDITY --1-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --3-- TROMA-RIFIC --4--

OVERALL RATING --3--