9 to 5: Days in Porn (2008)

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

You know I love documentaries, and like most guys, I love porn, so when I saw that 9 to 5: Days in Porn was a documentary on porn, I thought, what could be better? (The real thing of course, but bare with me.) Coming May 4th from Strand Releasing, this docu provides insight into the lives of several porn stars, why they got into the business, why they stay, and all the other ins and outs (literally!) that go along with it.

Known faces, Otto Bauer and Aubrey Hollander (a porn couple), Belladonna, Katja Kassin, Sasha Grey, Ava and Mia Rose, veteran Nina Hartley, and Roxy Deville grace the screen telling us their intimate details of the industry.

Dr. Sharon Mitchell, director of the AIM (Adult Industry Medical) Healthcare Foundation and a former pornstar from the 70-80s (when hairy bushes were aplenty!), speaks very bluntly of her experiences in the business (she did over 2,000 films), and why she decided to establish a facility where porn stars can get tested, while being educated on better ways to protect and prevent the spread of disease in the industry.

Much like Seymore Butt’s Family Business series that ran on Showtime a few years ago, this docu is entertaining, and somewhat informative, that is, if you care to look past their nakedness, and want to know what makes some porn stars tick. And, not that it's a big surprise, but we learn that the San Fernando Valley is the Devil's Playground, as it's the hub of the porn industry, calling home to numerous offices, studios, and distribution centers of the $12.7 billion business. Damn, so I'll have to move to California in order to make my debut?

While I have a fondness for porn (my girlfriend would say an addiction), I’ve grown to prefer erotica, which usually has less “in your face” bump and grind, and more elements to titillate my senses and imagination. Sure, I can pop in a porno to get my rocks off, but once the deed is done, it's packed away in a box, and maybe not seen again for years. I grew up watching Asia Carerra, Tori Welles, and Chasey Lane, and in college, I was known as the Porn King, and supplied all my friends with flicks to fulfill their urges, but today, I find it difficult for current porn actresses to fill those memories, and I’d much rather watch Misty Mundae or Darian Caine in Skinemax-type movies, or Tinto Brass and (some) Jess Franco. I’ve also ventured out to find obscure erotica for my older friends (50+ year olds), and we engage in more compelling conversations than “Man, that dude was hung like a bull moose, and really stuck it to her!” or “Did you see how big her snapper was? I bet she could take two elephant trunks, John Holmes AND Peter North, and there'd still be room!”

I guess you could say I've grown up (ha ha, not really), but I’m slowly but surely weeding my collection, trying to recoup some of my money, and putting these gems in more well-deserving hands. But, my curiosity still gets the best of me, as those After Hours Cinema collections from Alternative Cinema are hard to pass up!

So, if you like porn, I suggest watching this film, but then head on over to Amazon.com and buy both seasons of the Family Business to add to your collection. Although Sasha Grey has that allure, and has made it into mainstream films (mostly horror), they always disappoint, so steer away from The Girlfriend Experience and Smash Cut, as both are a bust, and spend your time more wisely watching her porn or cleaning your house.

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --0-- NUDITY --4-- DISEASE-FREE VIEWING --3-- DIRECTING --3--

OVERALL RATING --3--

The Lost

Buy it now!!

You can dig through indie horror for years without finding a decent movie. I checked IMDB and apparently there’s only 10 in existence. The first 10 seconds would suggest this is another flaming pile of poo on your doorstep. But what unfolds is a well acted, well directed, and decently written movie about a sociopath drug addict. Marc Senter plays this part masterfully. There is no point in this movie where I felt he over acted or lost character and with a part such as this it would have been very easy to do. If you don’t think a great performance is reason enough to sit through this movie, you also get a chance to see Shay Astar of 3rd rock fame all grown up as well as Misty Mundae briefly acting other a different name. This movie is more of a Natural Born Killeresque thriller than a horror movie. I can’t really go into describing it too much without completely spoiling it. The Lost is full of great editing as well. It often bounces back and forth between polar opposite soundtracks in the same scene to bring out excitement and it absolutely works every time. After not reviewing a movie for a year however you know its worth watching since I’m back here reviewing it. I guarantee moderate amounts of nudity, large amounts of drug use and in the end way to much killing for 10 minutes.

ACTING --5-- HUMOR --3-- BLOOD/GORE --4-- SCRIPT --4-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --4-- DIRECTING --5--

OVERALL RATING --4--

Crap I watched and why you shouldn't Vol. 1...and the shirt that got away

Okay, so the last few movies I've seen stunk monkey balls, and rather than do a full review and bash them to oblivion, I decided to just add some brief thoughts, so you can move on to watching better cinema.

Bitch Slap (2009)
While violent chick movies may spark my interest and sometimes arouse my libido, Bitch Slap failed to deliver anything but a confusing mess. Maybe that's the intent, but I expected some major ass-kicking, and maybe a semi-plausable plot. This movie was all over the place, and although the ladies were nice to look at, the ridiculosity came quick and never ended. So, I walked away scratching my head and wondering why I'd kept watching, maybe it's because it reminded me of Planet Terror, and doesn't Erin Cummings look kinda like Rose McGowan?
This flick caters to a certain crowd, and I guess I'm not one of them. Nudity: Nope. Ass-kicking: Some. Lesbianism: Yes. Humor: A Tad, with the funniest moment being when the mohawk dude hits himself in the crotch multiple times in order to keep his boner at bay. It's better to skip this feature and watch Zoe Bell's Angel of Death instead, or if you like Asian splatterfests, try Hard Revenge Milly.
2 out of 5 Slap-happy Bitches

Desireable Teacher (1981)
Sure, Michela Miti is desireable, but with a lack of screen time, and Alvaro Vitali's attempt at humor, this movie was a waste of time. The fart gags were tired, the humor and skin minimal, and it was so uninteresting that I read other horror blogs while taking an occassional glimpse up to see what was going on. You will get a quick shot of Michela's bare ass as she walks down the hall, but when she decides to bare it all, it's blocked by some dude's overly hairy chest. Shame on the director for allowing this to happen! Don't get me wrong, I like Bigfoots and Yetis, but they have their time and place, and I like naked chicks more. I recommend passing on this one and putting in some Tinto Brass to fulfill your Italian erotica curiosities.
1 out of 5 TILFs

Red Hook (2009)
This flick could also be called Scavenger Hunt of Death, since the premise is that several college kids go on a scavenger hunt and then end up dead. This is a modern slasher movie, but quite lame in comparison to 80's standards (the golden age), and even to the lamest of them. This follows the other horror sleepfests that Phase 4 Films has to offer, Killer Movie and Midnight Movie. Pull any pre-90's slasher film out and watch it instead, heck, even Scream is more entertaining.
1 out of 5 Knives to the Gut

Teachers (2009)
Ha ha, so I have two movies (said loosely) about teachers in the same post, well, this is actually a porno, and not a very good one at that. I watched this on Blu Ray and popped my hi def porno cherry with it. I'd been really curious about how porn would look in 1080p, and I must say, not much is left to the imagination as it shows every scrape, scar, bruise, freckle, mole, stretchmark, and even every hair follicle (even in the netherregion). I could see every vein running through Jesse Jane’s fake boobs, and hi def does nothing to mask fakies! There was even one scene when she was laying on her back (go figure, right?) that it looked like her boobs were deflating, talk about killing the mood! And, she really needs to get into the gym to tone up those legs. I'm pretty disappointed with this experience, as is most when it's "their first time," and not sure if I want to see anymore hardcore in HD. So, unless you're just a diehard fan of JJ (which I'm not), or need your porn fix for the day and nothing else will do, steer away, and maybe try some Chasey Lane or Tori Welles to go to town to.
2 out of 5 Detentions

Oh yeah, and the shirt that got away from me at Fright Rags. Damn, Tarman would have looked bad-ass.

It's limited to 200 pieces, and by the time I made it there (didn't it just go live today?), only men's small and 3XL were left, that is, unless I want to try to squeeze into a women's shirt. Naw, I need a dude's large, so I gotta pass...Grrrr. Oh well, I still have my limited Friday the 13th shirt coming, but I was an early bird, so didn't have to pay 70 bones for it.