Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

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To be honest, I didn’t remember a single thing about Part 7 until I read Stalls review, and even then, I had to wonder if I’d ever seen it all the way through. So, to refresh my memory and see how it might have tied into Part 8, I watched the beginning and then the end. As I mentioned before, the whole idea of Jason in the city seemed bogus to me, and although I wondered how in the hell he got to Manhattan, I never gave it a second thought, and just brushed this off as the "lost Jason film." Lost in so many ways that is! Besides, it’s not like anyone would pick him up if he was walking on the side of the road.

The camera starts out on the grimy streets of Manhattan, but we’re quickly taken to Camp Crystal Lake where a couple of teens have snuck off on a boat to make out on the lake. Unbeknownst to them, Jason lies chained and dead below (covered in lake sludge), but is brought back to life when the boat anchor pierces an underwater power line. WTF? The lightning rod from Part 6 was a little far-fetched, but still more believable than resurrection by mind power (Part 7), or by a fluke electrical incident. But, Jason’s alive and kicking once again, takes a couple of lives, and then floats on the boat where he catches a cruise-liner full of freshly graduated teens. Jason needs a vacation too ya know.

So, rather than drink a Mai Tai and kick back and relax, Jason does what he knows best, KILL. All but five people get whacked, including the captain, and once they realize the ship can’t be saved, they hop on the rescue boat, a scene somewhat reminiscent from Titanic, but instead of Leonardo DeCaprio’s sad demise, the teens and their chaperones manage to make it to Lady Liberty. But, so does Jason, whose swimming abilities have improved since he was a kid.

So, with Jason now in the crowded city, he aims to clean up the streets, the subway (where he has a near-death scene by electrocution), and the sewer system, where the nightly toxic waste dumpage gets the best of him, and melts off his already deformed face.

This movie was a disaster, and even with the return of Kane Hodder as Jason, it was still a waste of time. Some would say Kane was the best Jason, the one that gave him personality, but that definitely wasn’t the case in this film. I also read that people were really pissed off after they saw Part 5 because it wasn't really Jason killing, shit, I’d have requested my money back if I paid to see this on the big screen. Even the director, Rob Hedden, doesn’t have a single worthy credit to his name, and this plays out like another film riding on the franchise's jock. Plus, that lame ass trailer says a lot too.

There wasn’t even a single kill that I felt good about. Death by guitar, death by hot sauna rock, death by mirror shard, how f-ing snoozy. And, the fact that young Jason continues to appear, both deformed and not, is ridiculous. The coolest character, but coolest in the lowest sense, is the all-wise deckhand who warns that “Jason has returned” and “death is near” numerous times.

After 25 minutes, I was ready to turn it off, at 54 minutes, I wanted to burn it, and at the end, I realized I just wasted and hour and a half of time that I could've been watching Sanford and Son reruns. Jeez, the sacrifices I make for the Side Show Review fans…

This film did have familiar faces, though, like TV veterans Peter Mark Richmond and Warren Munson, who you probably wouldn’t know by name, but by face, and you probably couldn’t name a single thing you’ve seen them in, even though their credits are vast. And, lead teen cuties Scott Reeves and Jensen Daggett pretty much stayed on the TV circuit after this film too.

This movie was garbage, and possibly the saddest entry into the series, and with only one boob and two bare butt scenes, my interest kept was minimal. Even with 17 kills, when there's a lack of blood and gore, you have to offset that with naked people (preferably women), and humor, that’s just how it is. But, if you have a lame story, crummy acting, ridiculous kills, minimal blood and gore, little to no skin, and almost no humor, then your film is bound to suck, no matter if you have Kane Hodder (or anyone else at that) donning Jason's mask. Shame on whoever wrote this piece of crap and tried to pawn it off as a Friday the 13th film. I know new ideas are hard to come by, but I’d have much rather seen old regurgitated stuff, than a far-fetched idea that sucked. Shit, "Jason plays poker," or "Jason takes a crap in the woods" would have been much more entertaining.

Smokeskrene believes that this film deserves at least a 3, if for no other reason than it having Kane Hodder, but I can’t be that generous. "Jason On A Boat" is not only off the charts on the Stink-O-Meter, but I kept waiting for T-Pain and Lonely Island to jump out and start singing, “I’m on a Boat, look at me (Pam), I’m on a motherf-in boat!” And then Jason breaks out into some footwork or the robot. Hee hee, that would be a great SNL or Robot Chicken skit.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- NUDITY --1-- CREATIVITY --2-- FT13TH WORTHINESS --1--

OVERALL RATING --a very generous 2--

Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood

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When the new Friday the 13th movie came out earlier this year, it seemed like the perfect excuse for me to go out and buy all the old ones. I had seen most of them yet I owned none. So I ran out and picked up the “From Crystal Lake to Manhattan” box set and then picked up the other 3 separately. I began to watch them over the course of about 4 or 5 weeks and loved it. Then the idea for this lead up to the new movie came about and we divided the films up. I got 6, 7, Freddy vs. Jason and the new one. I sat down to watch the movies and review. It was at this time I realized something. I freaking hate the 7th movie. Can’t stand it. I honestly think it’s one of the worst films in the series. So many people bash on “Jason goes to hell” and “Jason X” but did they ever watch this one? Anyway enough bashing, on to the review.

If you never saw the 6th film, just watch the first couple of minutes of the 7th one, it pretty much runs you through everything that happened. Great way of condensing about an hour and a half into 3 minutes. The film officially begins with a flashback of Tina, our main character. We quickly find out that she has telekinetic powers when she kills her dad. Back to present time we find Tina and her mom headed back out to Crystal Lake, in an attempt to figure out completely what is wrong with her with the help of her doctor, Dr. Crews. They don’t really get along that well and at one point Tina goes running out of the house and to the end of the dock. She uses her powers to wake up Jason, who immediately sets off. All that time under water has done wonders for Jason however, as his decayed suit and flesh makes for the most badass looking Jason yet in my opinion.

I’ve decided that the reason I don’t like this movie is the whole storyline and Tina. I understand that they did it to bring something new to the table, but for some reason I just don’t like the way they took it. Something about a psychic girl using her powers to fight Jason just sounds dumb when said out loud, how in the world did they ever get a green light to actually make this movie? And the ending, dumb is the only word I can think of to describe it. I won’t say anything to ruin it if you haven’t seen it, but just be ready to shake your head and be disappointed when/if you do watch it.

Also, where in the world does Jason get the 50 different weapons he uses during the film? He just randomly appears with one thing, then he has another, and another. At one point he walks out of the woods with a power saw on the end of a pole, granted it’s a really cool weapon to use. We never once see him really pick up a weapon, with the exception of an axe, he just appears out of the woods with them.

Also, random cat…..the hell? If you’ve seen this movie you know what I’m talking about, if not then go watch this movie and you’ll figure it out when it happens. Not sure if this is supposed to be a throwback to the second movie or what but either way it just didn’t seem to fit the flow of the movie.

Negativity aside, the movie does have some really cool things going for it. Tina’s visions of people dying were kind of sweet. I particularly like the one of her mom dying in the middle of the road she has while driving. This movie also has the coolest kill ever ala the sleeping bag death, nothing better in my opinion.

This movie also brought back nudity to the series, something that was oddly missing from the 6th one.

I also really like the character of Eddie. He’s the wannabe science fiction writer. Something about the scene where he wraps himself up in streamers and says something about Mummies in space just cracked me up.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --3-- BLOOD/GORE --4-- NUDITY --3-- ENDING --1-- PLOT --1--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives (1986)

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Part six of the series opens up with Tommy Jarvis and his friend/fellow crazy Allen driving out to the cemetery where Jason is buried. Jarvis is determined to put a stop to Jason once and for all by setting him on fire using some gasoline. After they dig up the coffin and open it, reveling a very decayed and maggot infested Jason in the process, Tommy does what any other person would do and grabs a metal pole out of the cemetery fence and stabs Jason a few times with it before stopping and leaving the pole sticking out of Jason’s chest….during a thunder storm. One of my favorite parts of dialog follows this.

Allen: Oh boy, he must have really messed you over.
Tommy: Yeah fuck you Jason.
Not sure why I love it so much, maybe it’s the fact someone says fuck you Jason, either way I just think it’s great stuff. As Tommy and Allen go to get the gasoline ready, lightning hits the pole and brings Jason back to life in a very Frankenstein way. Tommy throws the gasoline on an advancing Jason and then strikes a match, just in time for it to start raining. Jesus it must suck to live in a horror movie, just as you get the upper hand mother nature kicks you in the face.

Allen does attempt to end Jason’s life by hitting him over the head with a shovel, but this just pisses Jason off and he then puts his hand through Allen’s chest and rips out his heart. So 8 minutes and 16 seconds into the movie we already have a kill. All in all it’s a very cool scene to say the least. Tommy gets into his truck and drives off as Jason dons the mask that Tommy was nice enough to bring with him.

Overall the 6th movie was decent. It didn’t really do anything new and exciting for the series; it just stuck to the same old formula. It offered up plenty of gore, just as would be expected of a movie in the franchise. It does offer up the most “Jason” kills out of any of the movies up to this point, with the big man clocking in with 18 victims on his hands. All in all I would say it’s a movie worth picking up if you have seen the others in the series. It’s not one to watch more than a couple of times within a short amount of time however, as nothing that new or original happens in it. I almost fell asleep while watching this one again. But it’s very solid for what it is. The actors are believable, and I liked the cinematography. The big downside to this one is the lack of boobs. Now like I said I was really tired watching this one again, but not so tired I’m going to miss the fact I just watched a horror movie that had no boobs in it, everyone knows that’s the second most important part of a horror film next to the kills. I’ll still give it a 1 however because the girl that played Megan is really cute.

ACTING --4-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --4-- NUDITY --1-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --4-- TOTAL DEATHS --18--

OVERALL RATING --3.5--

Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning (1985)

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As I mentioned before, Part 5 is one of the most memorable ones to me. If I had to rank them, Part 3 would probably be my favorite, then Part 5, then Part 4, with my least favorite being Part 8, since the idea of Jason in the city just seemed bogus to me, but I’ll get the honor of revisiting and reviewing it, and maybe even appreciate it later. Not that Part 5 is really better than Part 4, but it all boiled down to the time and place in which I viewed it.

Part 4 leads you believe that it was the end of Jason’s reign and finito to the Friday the 13th series, but realizing just how profitable this maniac was, a new one was released a year later. Now on it’s 4th director, Danny Steinmann, who also gave us The Unseen (1981) and Savage Streets (1984), Jason comes back with a different swagger and a blue striped hockey mask.

We pick up this time with an aged Tommy Jarvis, who’s still battling his demons over Jason Voorhees, and hanging out with the other loonies at the Pine Hurst mental facility, basically just a house in the woods with a couple of therapists. Much like Shelly from Part 3, fat-ass Joey (another white dude with a mini-fro), is an annoyance to everyone, and when he bugs temperamental Vic while chopping wood, he gets an axe in the back (a scene familiar to Don’t Look in the Basement). Within the first 26 minutes, we have five confirmed kills.

There’s really not a whole lot of character development in this one, yet so many people seemed familiar. Stuttering Jake reminds me of Duckie from Pretty in Pink, even though Part 5 predates it, Reggie’s brother, Demon, is a mix between Michael Jackson and Rick James (I’m Rick James Bitch!!), Pam looks like Ginny from Part 2, Violet is a clear reference to Blondie (and can break down a wicked robot), and Reggie looks like Little Red Riding Hood (and screams like a little girl when he sees the big bad wolf (Jason)).

After rewatching this, I think I may have figured out why I like this movie so much, it’s because of all the humor and the wide array of colorful characters. This was the first one that actually made me laugh, and Ethel and her retarded son, Junior, brought the most chuckles. This movie also hailed a couple of the most memorable kill scenes for me. When Jason wraps the strap around Eddie’s head, and then cranks it until it breaks, and when Ethel’s son is beheaded while erratically riding his motorcycle through the yard after getting his ass kicked by Tommy.

This movie will lead you to believe that it's possibly Tommy doing the killing (even though the size doesn't match up), but in the end, we find out that it’s Roy, Joey’s paramedic father, who after witnessing his slain son, puts his grief behind the mask with intent on massacring everyone. And, he does a good job of it until Reckless Reggie hits him with the front-end loader, he has a knife/chainsaw fight with Pam, and then he falls out off the barn window onto a bed of spikes with the help of Tommy. But, the last moments still leave open the possibility that Tommy may one day become Jason, or is it all just a bad dream?

So, Part 5: A New Beginning is clearly that, it’s a bit of a different direction for the franchise, but also a clear statement that they were in it for the long haul, eventually beating out every other killer in the genre in film count. And, out of all the other Friday films up to this point, it had the highest body count, totaling like 20, or one every 4.5 minutes, and also had the highest boob count, totaling 6, or 3 sets. I couldn't help but say, Damn, look at those fun bags, when Tina's donned the screen, and felt my lips pucker in a suckling motion.

As Smokeskrene pointed out, some may argue that it is not really a Friday the 13th film because it's misleading and wasn't actually Jason killing, well, I disagree, and think it's a fine addition in the series, and even though it's heavily flawed, and maybe even moreso than the others, it's still in my top 3, and very worthy of being in my collection.

So, if you are a TRUE fan of the series, you gotta pick it up. The reason I put the DVD link to the older release, rather than the reissue on June 16th, is because you can get the same content at a fraction of the price. And, if you don’t already own these movies, shame on you, and I highly recommend you buy the boxset which has Parts 1-8 and all the Killer extras. If you were wondering why you can’t get them ALL in one set in the U.S., it's because two different movie studios have the rights (Paramount and New Line), and neither want to sell. Screw making it easy for the fans when the all mighty dollar is at stake, but if done right, that would make a sweet collector's piece!!

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --3-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- NUDITY --3-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --3-- BODY COUNT --5--

OVERALL RATING --4--

FRIDAY THE 13TH THE FINAL CHAPTER

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There are few movies that have the complete package. At this point in slasherdome, victims you actually cared about had been mising. Friday the 13th the Final Chapter abandoned the campsite for the summer party house and the single mother family by the lake. It was also the first movie of the series to have really great casting. I don’t think you can say enough about how well this movie comes together. Crispin Glover and the dead fuck joke is classic. Corey Feldman as the child with a monster fetish was a great casting decision. He wasn’t some little kid trying to play the role as the cutesy child you have to be scared for. He played it has the self reliant child who was just trying to look at out for his mom and sister. And you believe it. He even pulls off the ridiculous ending where he shaves his head and makes Jason stop being ruthless. The idea of that is one of the most absurd idea’s ever but it works with the right actor. I nominate this for the best of the series. In 3 Jason gets his mask and in 4 Jason finally gets some decent people to kill.

ACTING --4-- HUMOR --4-- BLOOD/GORE --4-- SCRIPT --2-- JASON BADASSNESS --10-- NUDE TWINS --5--

OVERALL RATING --4--

Friday the 13th Part 3 (1982)

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Even though it had only been a year since we last left Camp Crystal Lake, Part 3 begins by revisiting the conclusion of Part 2. And, much like the SAW films are today, a new Friday the 13th was being churned out almost every year. Instead of Sean Cunningham helming the director's chair on this one, the torch is passed to Steve Miner, who also worked closely with him as director/producer on some of the others, and who went on to do House (1986), Halloween H20 (1998), Lake Placid (1999), and a slew of others not in the horror genre, including episodes of The Wonder Years.

Part 3 not only marked a new direction for Jason, but also for the franchise, having been shown in theatres in 3D. Never having seen it "enhanced," my curiosity got the best of me and I bought a copy of the “Uncut” 3D version, even though I already had two other copies of the 2D movie. Well, no matter what we did (I watched it with my friend Lukas and his wife Cassandra), it was clear that the red/blue cardboard 3D specs were very lame and dated, and our viewing experience wasn't enhanced whatsoever, but actually made worse. So, we finished it in 2D, and laughed at the scenes obviously intended for 3D.

So, Jason is still hellbent on revenge, and has discarded the burlap sack, grown in size, lost all his hair (damn middle-aged testosterone levels), and now wears a Dickie’s work outfit instead of a flannel. But, once again, we have the familiar scenario, kids heading off to Camp Crystal Lake for a summer of fun in the sun, sex, drugs, and rock & roll.

And, like Part 1, we have another jokester, Shelly this time (chubby white dude with an afro who reminded me of the annoying wheelchair dude in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre), who annoys the hell out of everyone, and you’ll be happy to see killed off later in the movie. We also have another cute redhead, well, strawberry-brown, named Chris, played by Dana Kimmell, and yet another weird old man, who carries an eyeball given to him by Jason?, and who continues to warn of what might happen by going to the lake.

So, once they somewhat settle in at camp, Shelly and Vera make a run to the local grocery store, but have a run-in with a few bikers (black dude Ali, black chick Fox, and white dude Loco), who try to flex their muscle. When leaving, Shelly accidentally runs into their bikes with the VW Bug, which moments later, takes an ass whooping by Ali’s chain (tough people carry those types of things ya know). But, Shelly’s tired of being pushed around, and he runs over Ali’s bike, thus setting the stage for another retaliation. So, the bikers head to the camp with intent of burning down the barn, but are pitch-forked and wrenched to death instead.

While the jock (Andy) and his girl (Debbie) make out in a hammock, Chris tells her ex-boyfriend, Rick, about her first brush with Jason. Shelly plays another trick, but on Vera this time, and this is the first time we see the infamous hockey mask. Not enthused, Vera goes off on him, and he walks away with his tail between his legs, but Jason returns to the scene with the hockey mask and harpoon gun in tow (THE MOST ICONIC SCENE IN THE FRANCHISE!!), and Vera gets a 3D arrow through the left eye.

Now, back to Andy and his girl, who have finished playing hide the salami. She decides to take a shower (boob scene), while he goes to get beers (walking on his hands), a clear set-up for a sweet kill scene. She returns to the hammock to relax, but he doesn't (isn't it obvious what happened?), and she's killed with a machete through the chest from below (yet another scene similar to Part 1). I guess I never really realized just how similar Part 1 and 3 are until now. Sure, I remember familiar scenes, but I had never watched them back to back, which made it very obvious. I know, and I call myself a big fan...but there's a difference bewteen a big fan and a film nerd. :)

Anyway, waking up after a long day of bonging, the stoner couple get the munchies and cook popcorn, but then the lights go out. Stoner dude is asked to check the breaker box in the basement (set-up kill scene #2, YES!) and gets electrocuted, but hey, this corrects the light problem. Well, Shelly, returns to the house with a bloody neck, which is perceived as another gag, but this time, it’s for real. Moments later, stoner chick takes a hot poker through the mid-section, and Jason carries off her body, possibly using it later to stage another “discovery” by an unsuspecting victim.

So, this leaves Rick (the Brave) and Chris, but Rick soon dies by a head crushing, and we witness a Lucio Fulci-esque 3D eye popping scene. As Chris struggles to save her life, she manages to escape, not once, but multiple times, and Jason takes a little bit of a beating, not only stabbed, but also hung from a pulley. But, this not-of-this-world killing machine still isn’t dead, and even gives her a Nan Nanny Boo Boo look when he briefly takes off the mask as to say, “Yeah, Bitch, I’m still here, remember me?” But Ali, the presumed dead black biker dude from earlier, reappears, only to get hacked up with a machete. Jason then turns around, and gets an axe to the head by the hands of Chris, forever scarring the iconic thing that has made him feared to this day (the mask).

So, once again, we end with Chris in a canoe on the lake (remember Alice from Part 1), but instead of Jason coming out of the water, he’s seen in the house from afar, still alive, and coming to get his prey. But then, Pam comes out of the lake to restake her claim instead. Yet another dream? Only Chris knows, as she’s hauled away hysterical in a police car, and Jason still lies dead in the barn.

Ya know, I've seen this movie many times, and it's always an enjoyable experience. I can only hope that the 3D in hi-def will be better than the crap I witnessed a few months ago (but I’m not holding my breath). It's a great marketing ploy, but 3D can only really be appreciated on the big screen (right now at least), and I can only imagine how crude the 3D VHS version was. But, that still doesn’t take away from my love for Jason, or this film, and he’s still a badass mofo, whether in 2D, 3D, virtual reality, 4D, or even in space (Jason X). So, three reviews down, but plenty more to go.

ACTING --3.5-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- NUDITY --1-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --4-- UNVEILING OF THE MASK --5--

OVERALL RATING --4--

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART II

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Why doesn’t anyone listen to Crazy Ralph? Is his homeless demeanor or blatant alcoholism such that he just can’t be taken seriously? Or maybe its because we all know he was getting his jollies while peeping during the make out scene. I could give you a review of this movie, but instead I’m going to talk about something that bugs me. Some people say the first Friday the 13th doesn’t “count” because its not Jason. I’ve heard the same argument for 5. Some say that Jason goes to hell doesn’t count because it doesn’t follow the same formula as the others. Some say this one doesn’t fit in because he’s not wearing a hockey mask. To all of you nay sayers I say… SHUTTUP. These are all horrible movies. But horrible in the most entertaining of ways. Whether its skinny dipping scenes or a guy with a gunny sack on his head chasing wannabe counselors, these movies are made to be fun. So maybe Jason is just learning how to be a man monster and doesn’t have a hockey mask yet. He’s still ruthless and this makes me happy.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- SCRIPT --2-- ENJOYMENT --4-- JASON BADASSNESS --3--

OVERALL RATING --3--