A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

So Michael Bay and his boys over at Platinum Dunes have decided that they need to take another iconic horror franchise and give it the reboot treatment. And if you really think about it, he seems to be the man for the job. Everyone seemed to love his redo of Texas Chainsaw Massacre (I freaking hated it though) and then there was the whole Friday the 13th (I re-watched it and it’s not as good the second time around) so why wouldn’t they take a shot at Nightmare on Elm Street? Unfortunately, they don’t do a very good job with it.

Lets start with the children. In the old Nightmare, the kids feel like a group you could relate to, they’re mostly honest kids dealing with crap. The new kids though, for some reason I can’t grasp, feel like they’re all going to break down and cry the entire time. The main female Nancy, played by Rooney Mara, is an artistic girl that just doesn’t fit in with anyone else in high school. She thusly spends a lot of time in her room, drawing up dark, edgy pictures of scary faces. In short, she makes me want to vomit. The whole movie I was just waiting for her to pull out a razor blade and go to town on her wrists in some excuse to deal with the world. The male lead isn’t much better I’m afraid. Quentin, played by Kyle Gallner, is the whiniest horror character I’ve seen in a long time, and maybe ever. He seems like all it’s going to take is one little thing to push him over the edge and he’ll break down and cry about how horrible the world is. The supporting characters aren’t too bad, granted you never see them for too long at once, unless they’re about to get killed. In all, the characters are lacking.

But in all honesty, the star of the show is Freddy, and I must admit that for the most part I was happy with the way Jackie Earle Haley played the character, but there were some parts that just brought him down. His make-up is very odd, something about it just doesn’t look right, and I couldn’t figure out what it was until one of my friends said something about it. He described it as some kind of Freddy Krueger and Alien love child, and the longer I think about it, he’s pretty damn close. The way he played the character also created some issues for me. The whole time the company was promoting the film, all I seemed to hear was about how this was going to make Nightmare on Elm Street serious again, and how they were going to move away from the campy horror of the old ones. They had me sold through most of the story until almost the very end. There is a part where Freddy is chasing Nancy through dream world. She turns a corner and attempts to run down a hallway, but because she’s in dream world, the hallway flood turns to liquid and she starts to sink. As she’s swimming away Freddy rounds the corner, looks at her and says, “Now that’s what I call a wet dream”……I’m sorry, can someone else please explain to me where/how that fits the whole “serious” aspect they were trying to cash in on?

Quick side note, I don’t know why everyone seems to be in love with the fact that they give you back story in the remake, because they give you the exact same story in the original. On my DVD it’s chapter 17 in the select a scene and it’s entitled “Mommy killed him”. Talks about how he was a child killer and they trapped him in a boiler room and set the place on fire, so it’s not like this back story is anything new to the series.

Now then, speaking of the back story of Freddy, this is another thing that the movie screws up. In the original we find out Freddy is a child killer, and that the parents wanted to get revenge on him. It’s not that he killed any of their children, just the fact he killed little kids. In the new one, they make him a child molester, and he knew all these kids back when they were 4 or so. But when the parents find out about what he does, they track him down and set him on fire, and then separate all the kids so they forget about Freddy. I guess the thing that pisses me off is the fact it seems like everyone was sitting in on a meeting for the movie and said “hey we have this original story that people know….but fuck it, let’s try to do something different.” The parents in the new film really don’t have any reason to set him on fire either. In the original it’s justified because Freddy get’s out of prison because someone signs the search warrant wrong, so the parents hunt him down. In the new one though, they basically admit that they never go to the police, never tell any authority, they just hunt him down and murder him because they can. There is a point where Quentin asks his dad if there is any evidence, and his dad just looks at him, but never answers the question. This led me to believe for about another 45 minutes of movie that they killed him in cold blood. Look I don’t have kids, and I’m not saying that child molesters are awesome people, but to just run out and set someone on fire on the assumption that he did something seems a little out there.

The killings are decent, but nothing to really write home about. Some of them follow the original, and some of them are new. If you’re looking forward to seeing how they do the killing of Johnny Depp’s character, the whole getting sucked into a bed and then shot back out as a bloody mess, sorry but they don’t do it. Yes you read that correctly. They. Don’t. Do. It. Honestly this was probably the biggest letdown of the entire movie for me. I was really excited to see how CGI was going to make this the best part of the film and then it didn’t happen.

No nudity. The most you get a girl in short-shorts and a tight t-shirt running around, but that’s really about it. You do get Nancy in the bathtub, but just like in the original they don’t show you anything. Damn right?

The last thing I’m going to talk about in this monster of a post is how the title is completely wrong. You see I imagine that with a title like A Nightmare on Elm Street, I’m going to see characters that are on Elm Street get harassed all the time. Really though they stay on Elm Street for about 15 minutes of the entire movie, and then they run all over town. The funny thing is, it’s the girl that doesn’t even live on Elm in the original that gets killed on Elm in the new one.

Well it looks like I’m back and I had a lot to say. Here quick I’m planning to get a review up for a movie called Spirit Camp that I caught about a week ago, and I plan on putting up a review for a movie that’s absolute crap, but still holds a spot in my heart.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --3-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- NUDITY --0-- STORY --2-- FREDDY --3--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Brainwaves (1983)

If you live in the world of only Region 1 DVDs, then you’re really missing out. I recently purchased multiple region-free players for older friends of mine who have yet to make it into the internet age, and the list of DVDs for me to pick up for them grows by the day. While many of these movies are either out-of-print or have yet to be released here in the states, Europe, Asia, and the UK have them aplenty. So, for under a hundred bucks, you can enjoy better prints of your favorite movies presumed to be lost on DVD format, or if you’re a hi-def high roller, a multi-region blu ray player will only set you back a few hundred, if not less. Quite a small price to pay for boundless entertainment!

As my purchases for them start rolling in, I'm taking time to watch some before passing them to their rightful owners. My first feature, although a Region 1 from Image Ent, but now out-of-print, was Ulli Lommel’s Brainwaves. This thing screams 80’s straight-to-video b-horror in sound, body, and picture quality, but did get some airtime on HBO back in the day. Some of you may be familiar with Ulli’s more recent films: BTK Killer, Diary of a Cannibal, Green River Killer, and Black Dahlia (all available from Lionsgate). Most of these are crap, but offer boobs and violence in place of coherent storytelling. While I liked Green River and BTK, I usually steer far away from anything Lommel does, because I know I'll regret the hour and a half I wasted on subpar cinema (which sadly, I do often), and Brainwaves is no different, as it appears that he has yet to hone his talent, even decades later. Sure, if you’re a fan of bad movies, then Ulli’s your man, but other than boobage, I couldn’t justify another reason why I continued to watch this film.

The premise is simple, another organ transplant gone awry. In this case, a chick gets hit by a car, busts her head on the windshield, and is rushed to the hospital. Unable to come out of a coma, a new procedure is used to help her regain consciousness, the brainwaves of a recently deceased person. But, it’s a murder victim’s brain that is used, so the transplatee has dreams of the grisly death (death by boombox in a bathtub) over and over. Based off her flashbacks, her husband becomes quite the detective and figures out the whole thing, but the killer has come back to finish off even the memory of what he’s done, only to meet his own demise (but possible rebirth as a future organ donor).

This is totally intended to be watched on VHS, and can be picked up on Amazon for under $5 (and that's with shipping). Sadly, the DVD has a MUCH higher ticket, but looks like a VHS transfer, so blow the dust off your VCR if you can't seem to fight the urge to buy it. I’m sure this is one of those titles that sparked curiosity while sitting along side other horror VHS box art, but sadly, it doesn’t even live up to what it suggests. Yet another case of the misleading marketing team winning. Next on my list is Death Spa, which has yet to get an official U.S. DVD release, but the PAL version is rather enticing, even if the movie is straight garbage, as it focuses on only a portion of the original coverart, which is a classic.

The original The Revised PAL

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --2-- ULLI GOODNESS --1-- COVERART --2--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Naked Ambition (2009)

Continuing my examination of the porn industry in documentary form, my latest find is Naked Ambition: An R Rated Look at an X Rated Industry. Basically, Michael Grecco, a photographer, wants to make a coffee table book featuring pictures of porn stars (and other facets of the industry), that grandma wouldn’t shy away from looking at. His goal is to capture the intimacy, without the sluttery, and show that the industry is more than just raunchy bump and grind.

So, his first stop to catch all this glamour and glitz is at the AVN expo in Las Vegas, where anything can happen. Even sex and religion can intermingle, as JC’s Girls (aka Holy Hotties), who preach that a lifestyle change is unnecessary to be one with The Lord, and "There's nothing you have ever done that God would not forgive you for!," sat right next to a table of sex toys.

I’d agree that one can have a healthy sex life and still retain a spiritual well-being (even if it means selling your body and taking it in every orifice), but to see them hand-in-hand in one setting was kind of laughable. Sure, sex can be the most enlightenment one may ever attain, and JC’s Girls were hot (I'm sure causing blasphemy in the name of the Lord in many pervs thoughts), but I doubt we’ll find a religious establishment called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Sluts anytime soon (sounds more like a reformed porno star church group, doesn't it?). Even for Sin City, this seems a little far-fetched, and churches are usually outside boycotting events, not partaking in them. Then again, maybe we're approaching a new day and age.

We get veterans like Tera Patrick, Jenna Jameson, Janine, Randy West, Peter North, and Larry Flynt, to newcomers like Sunny Lane and Joanna Angel (Joanna’s a newcomer? Man, this must have been filmed some time ago), who offer a little insight as to why they got into the industry and why they stay (cause they like sex and money, right?), much like 9 to 5: Days in Porn, but with much less nudity and perversion.

Other than Janine and Ron Jeremy, there wasn’t a single porn star in this doc that I cared to see. I’m not a big fan of Jenna, you’ve heard my thoughts before on Jesse Jane, and Mary Carey looked like shit, with her big ole saggy fake boobs and anorexic body. I prefer her back in her "bigger" days, like in this movie:


It’s a shame what the porn industry, and being famous in general, will do to certain folks. Even Mariah Carey was hotter when she was au naturel and singing about a Vision of Love.

Sadly, I walked away unsatisfied, and it wasn’t because there was a lack of T&A, as you’d expect, but because it was nothing more than a sad plug for the AVN awards, with only a backdrop of this dude’s project. A much better flick of similar nature is Thinking XXX, but most grandmas will have to sit this one out, as too many bare ding dongs in one place might put them in their grave. Also, check out Porn Star-The Legend of Ron Jeremy, it's a true look at The Hedgehog’s lifestyle and will have you rolling.

So, skip this AVN marketing ploy and pick up the others mentioned, I guarantee you'll thank me later. And, just because you have the ability to film a ton of half-naked porn stars in one place, it doesn’t mean it'll be a hit.

Buy it now Amazon.com!!

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --0-- NUDITY --2-- SIN CITY APPROVED --1-- AVN APPROVED --4--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Sky Has Fallen (2009)

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

No, this isn’t a story about Chicken Little, but it does involve a little chick, Rachel, and her ass-kicking new acquaintance, Lance. Seems that a disease has spread and wiped out most of mankind, and what’s left, are some zombies, a few survivors, and the reapers, who attack the weak and experiment on the dead.

Hellbent on revenge for killing his kin, Lance first exterminates the undead with guns, and then breaks out his father’s sword, cause “it never runs out of bullets.” In order to save what’s left of humankind, Lance and Rachel head out to find the head reaper, but must also battle the demons in their head. Do they succeed? Are things truly as they appear? Guess you'll have to watch it in order to find out.

What plagues this movie is forced dialog, too much explanation of storyline, and low budget. And, even though flying blood is aplenty, almost all the action and gore are done as cutaways, and the battle scenes are drawn out to the point of exhaustion. I'd rather have seen a shorter film, than getting bored with the monotonous hack and slash. Having been involved in a NO-budget zombie flick myself, Undead on Arrival, I can probably appreciate it a little more than the average horror watcher, but still, there’s much to be desired.

The melancholy tone of the film and it’s characters fight against it, and even the special features carry this feel. For instance, the attitude and delivery of the writer and director, Doug Roos, is just blahzay, as he never even cracks a smile or seems excited about anything. With his even keel-ness, it’s almost like he was reading pre-written statements to questions asked. Come on, Doug, it’s your film, and you gotta be the hype-man. It's your job to sell me (and everyone else) on it!

But, even with it's flaws, there are times it shines, and the following scene of dialog made me laugh, because perverse thoughts kept popping into my head.

Rachel: Can I see it? (He hands his sword to her) Teach me something.
Lance: I’d rather not.
Rachel: And why’s that?
Lance: I don’t think you could keep up.
Rachel: Oh really?
Lance: Yeah.
Rachel: Well, I think you’re just afraid.
Lance: Afraid of what?
Rachel: Of me being better than you.
Lance: First, you’ve got to hold it right, like this. (She swings it) WOW! It’s okay, you’ll learn.

(Of course, one could say, “That’s what she said!” after several of these lines, but I also envisioned this leading to a porno scene (a la 1970's) with groovy music. Heh heh, it still makes me giggle.)

Although it’s not the best indie flick I’ve ever seen, and I had high hopes as it touts at least 10 awards and I'm always looking for hidden gems, I’d like to thank Doug for sending me a copy. For his next feature, I’d really like to see more personality come out (Will the real Doug Roos please stand up?), and also leave more of the plot for interpretation, rather than trying to explain it all. Still, he succeeded in keeping me confused, because I’m still not sure why, or even if, the sky has fallen…

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- NUDITY --0-- CHICKEN LITTLE APPROVED --2-- CONFUSION --3--

OVERALL RATING --2--

9 to 5: Days in Porn (2008)

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

You know I love documentaries, and like most guys, I love porn, so when I saw that 9 to 5: Days in Porn was a documentary on porn, I thought, what could be better? (The real thing of course, but bare with me.) Coming May 4th from Strand Releasing, this docu provides insight into the lives of several porn stars, why they got into the business, why they stay, and all the other ins and outs (literally!) that go along with it.

Known faces, Otto Bauer and Aubrey Hollander (a porn couple), Belladonna, Katja Kassin, Sasha Grey, Ava and Mia Rose, veteran Nina Hartley, and Roxy Deville grace the screen telling us their intimate details of the industry.

Dr. Sharon Mitchell, director of the AIM (Adult Industry Medical) Healthcare Foundation and a former pornstar from the 70-80s (when hairy bushes were aplenty!), speaks very bluntly of her experiences in the business (she did over 2,000 films), and why she decided to establish a facility where porn stars can get tested, while being educated on better ways to protect and prevent the spread of disease in the industry.

Much like Seymore Butt’s Family Business series that ran on Showtime a few years ago, this docu is entertaining, and somewhat informative, that is, if you care to look past their nakedness, and want to know what makes some porn stars tick. And, not that it's a big surprise, but we learn that the San Fernando Valley is the Devil's Playground, as it's the hub of the porn industry, calling home to numerous offices, studios, and distribution centers of the $12.7 billion business. Damn, so I'll have to move to California in order to make my debut?

While I have a fondness for porn (my girlfriend would say an addiction), I’ve grown to prefer erotica, which usually has less “in your face” bump and grind, and more elements to titillate my senses and imagination. Sure, I can pop in a porno to get my rocks off, but once the deed is done, it's packed away in a box, and maybe not seen again for years. I grew up watching Asia Carerra, Tori Welles, and Chasey Lane, and in college, I was known as the Porn King, and supplied all my friends with flicks to fulfill their urges, but today, I find it difficult for current porn actresses to fill those memories, and I’d much rather watch Misty Mundae or Darian Caine in Skinemax-type movies, or Tinto Brass and (some) Jess Franco. I’ve also ventured out to find obscure erotica for my older friends (50+ year olds), and we engage in more compelling conversations than “Man, that dude was hung like a bull moose, and really stuck it to her!” or “Did you see how big her snapper was? I bet she could take two elephant trunks, John Holmes AND Peter North, and there'd still be room!”

I guess you could say I've grown up (ha ha, not really), but I’m slowly but surely weeding my collection, trying to recoup some of my money, and putting these gems in more well-deserving hands. But, my curiosity still gets the best of me, as those After Hours Cinema collections from Alternative Cinema are hard to pass up!

So, if you like porn, I suggest watching this film, but then head on over to Amazon.com and buy both seasons of the Family Business to add to your collection. Although Sasha Grey has that allure, and has made it into mainstream films (mostly horror), they always disappoint, so steer away from The Girlfriend Experience and Smash Cut, as both are a bust, and spend your time more wisely watching her porn or cleaning your house.

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --0-- NUDITY --4-- DISEASE-FREE VIEWING --3-- DIRECTING --3--

OVERALL RATING --3--

The Lost

Buy it now!!

You can dig through indie horror for years without finding a decent movie. I checked IMDB and apparently there’s only 10 in existence. The first 10 seconds would suggest this is another flaming pile of poo on your doorstep. But what unfolds is a well acted, well directed, and decently written movie about a sociopath drug addict. Marc Senter plays this part masterfully. There is no point in this movie where I felt he over acted or lost character and with a part such as this it would have been very easy to do. If you don’t think a great performance is reason enough to sit through this movie, you also get a chance to see Shay Astar of 3rd rock fame all grown up as well as Misty Mundae briefly acting other a different name. This movie is more of a Natural Born Killeresque thriller than a horror movie. I can’t really go into describing it too much without completely spoiling it. The Lost is full of great editing as well. It often bounces back and forth between polar opposite soundtracks in the same scene to bring out excitement and it absolutely works every time. After not reviewing a movie for a year however you know its worth watching since I’m back here reviewing it. I guarantee moderate amounts of nudity, large amounts of drug use and in the end way to much killing for 10 minutes.

ACTING --5-- HUMOR --3-- BLOOD/GORE --4-- SCRIPT --4-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --4-- DIRECTING --5--

OVERALL RATING --4--

Crap I watched and why you shouldn't Vol. 1...and the shirt that got away

Okay, so the last few movies I've seen stunk monkey balls, and rather than do a full review and bash them to oblivion, I decided to just add some brief thoughts, so you can move on to watching better cinema.

Bitch Slap (2009)
While violent chick movies may spark my interest and sometimes arouse my libido, Bitch Slap failed to deliver anything but a confusing mess. Maybe that's the intent, but I expected some major ass-kicking, and maybe a semi-plausable plot. This movie was all over the place, and although the ladies were nice to look at, the ridiculosity came quick and never ended. So, I walked away scratching my head and wondering why I'd kept watching, maybe it's because it reminded me of Planet Terror, and doesn't Erin Cummings look kinda like Rose McGowan?
This flick caters to a certain crowd, and I guess I'm not one of them. Nudity: Nope. Ass-kicking: Some. Lesbianism: Yes. Humor: A Tad, with the funniest moment being when the mohawk dude hits himself in the crotch multiple times in order to keep his boner at bay. It's better to skip this feature and watch Zoe Bell's Angel of Death instead, or if you like Asian splatterfests, try Hard Revenge Milly.
2 out of 5 Slap-happy Bitches

Desireable Teacher (1981)
Sure, Michela Miti is desireable, but with a lack of screen time, and Alvaro Vitali's attempt at humor, this movie was a waste of time. The fart gags were tired, the humor and skin minimal, and it was so uninteresting that I read other horror blogs while taking an occassional glimpse up to see what was going on. You will get a quick shot of Michela's bare ass as she walks down the hall, but when she decides to bare it all, it's blocked by some dude's overly hairy chest. Shame on the director for allowing this to happen! Don't get me wrong, I like Bigfoots and Yetis, but they have their time and place, and I like naked chicks more. I recommend passing on this one and putting in some Tinto Brass to fulfill your Italian erotica curiosities.
1 out of 5 TILFs

Red Hook (2009)
This flick could also be called Scavenger Hunt of Death, since the premise is that several college kids go on a scavenger hunt and then end up dead. This is a modern slasher movie, but quite lame in comparison to 80's standards (the golden age), and even to the lamest of them. This follows the other horror sleepfests that Phase 4 Films has to offer, Killer Movie and Midnight Movie. Pull any pre-90's slasher film out and watch it instead, heck, even Scream is more entertaining.
1 out of 5 Knives to the Gut

Teachers (2009)
Ha ha, so I have two movies (said loosely) about teachers in the same post, well, this is actually a porno, and not a very good one at that. I watched this on Blu Ray and popped my hi def porno cherry with it. I'd been really curious about how porn would look in 1080p, and I must say, not much is left to the imagination as it shows every scrape, scar, bruise, freckle, mole, stretchmark, and even every hair follicle (even in the netherregion). I could see every vein running through Jesse Jane’s fake boobs, and hi def does nothing to mask fakies! There was even one scene when she was laying on her back (go figure, right?) that it looked like her boobs were deflating, talk about killing the mood! And, she really needs to get into the gym to tone up those legs. I'm pretty disappointed with this experience, as is most when it's "their first time," and not sure if I want to see anymore hardcore in HD. So, unless you're just a diehard fan of JJ (which I'm not), or need your porn fix for the day and nothing else will do, steer away, and maybe try some Chasey Lane or Tori Welles to go to town to.
2 out of 5 Detentions

Oh yeah, and the shirt that got away from me at Fright Rags. Damn, Tarman would have looked bad-ass.

It's limited to 200 pieces, and by the time I made it there (didn't it just go live today?), only men's small and 3XL were left, that is, unless I want to try to squeeze into a women's shirt. Naw, I need a dude's large, so I gotta pass...Grrrr. Oh well, I still have my limited Friday the 13th shirt coming, but I was an early bird, so didn't have to pay 70 bones for it.