Franco Face Off: Paula-Paula (2010) vs. Lorna the Exorcist (1974)

Up to this point, Jess Franco has done 209 films, with his latest being Paula-Paula, an “audiovisual experience.” There’s not a lot to this movie, and it can be summed up in one line: Porno Paula kills Erotic/Belly Dancer Paula, but not before she sexes her up. Ha ha, Color Me Badd's I Wanna Sex You Up just jumped into my head, yours too? While it does have some of the “Franco essentials,” there’s a lot left to the viewer to interpret and impatiently sit through. Sure, the meat and potatoes are there (T&A), but this is a long, grueling experience, when popping in a porno (with even more meat and taters in less time) could have sufficed. So, here’s what we get:

Naked Chicks-Check
Full Frontal-Check
Two chicks kissing (longest ongoing onscreen kiss?) and lesbianism-Check
Lina Romay-Check
Overused 70’s Psychedelica-Yes
Storyline-No
Shoddy Dialog-Yes
Looks like it was shot in a spare bedroom with foil backdrops-Yes
Music sounding like it came from a Charlie Brown episode-Yes
Disappearing blood-Yes

IMDB labels this one as a “video,” and rightly so, because other than a few lines of dialog, this thing is filled with piano and jazz music, nudity, and not much more. The disappearing blood comes when Paula slices her lover’s throat (shot up close), but after pulling the knife away, the blood is nowhere to be seen. Jess says he tries hard to bring “new cinema” with each new feature, and touts cinematic freedom, but in reality, this is a horrible 70’s throwback, with nothing new to offer. Sure, he’s got some notable works under his belt, all pretty much from the 70’s and early 80’s, but to allow him freedom these days, means a cinematic disaster. Even with fully naked up-and-comers, this film is garbage, and after seeing this, and some of the works SRS Cinema picked up (Snakewoman, Red Silk, Mari-Cookie and the Killer Tarantula, etc), I think Jess really needs to hang it up.

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

To get the bad taste out of mouth from Paula-Paula, I decided to watch Lorna the Exorcist, and it was a nice change from the crap I’d just seen. Although Franco always works on a small budget (even smaller these days it seems), in his earlier films, he used atmosphere and architecture to spice things up. As I mentioned above, Paula-Paula looks like it was shot in a spare bedroom with foil backdrops, this is not the case in Lorna, as the scenery really adds to the story. So, let’s compare Lorna to Paula:

Naked Chicks-Check
Full Frontal-Check
Two chicks kissing and lesbianism-Check
Lina Romay-Check, and naked too
70’s Psychedelica-No, 70’s attire and style-Yes
Storyline-Yes
Shoddy Dialog-Yes, which is always the case in a Franco flick, yet here it was actually coherent
Disappearing blood-No, disappearing crabs-Yes

Down on his luck, Patrick meets Lorna (Pamela Stanford) at the roulette table a casino, and she sends some of her lucky mojo his way, allowing him to finally win. In repayment, they go up to her room and have a roll in the sheets, where he agrees to give her his yet conceived daughter (Linda, played by Lina Romay) when she turns 18. He then goes back to his hotel, and seals the deal with his wife, unbeknownst to her. 18 years later, and dawning Linda’s birthday, Lorna comes back for what’s rightfully hers, seducing her in dream-like sequences, and some of the worst simulated carpet munching I’ve ever seen.

Not wanting to hand over his daughter, daddy dearest is threatened, and given a seashell knuckle punch (think brass knuckles, but with a seashell) by Lorna’s goon, while his wife, Marianne, is tormented by crotch critters (real baby crabs) that eventually lead to her death. Lorna transfers her powers to Linda via a breast licking/simulated feeding scene, with the final transformation happening after a consummated dildo hammering. Linda, now on the sexual prowess, attempts to seduce her father, but he's able to withstand (all but a long gaze while she's showering). Another attempt is futile, so he gets a knife in the back.

Lorna the Exorcist seems like an inappropriately title, since there's really no exorcisms, religious dogma, or crucifix defilement here. It's merely Lorna passing her devilishness onto her (somewhat) offspring, so Lorna the Devil/Demon/Succubus seems to fit better. Title aside, I really liked it, which seldom happens when I blind buy, but knowing that Mondo always brings quality, and this was shot during Franco’s golden age, I figured how could I go wrong? Sure, it runs a bit too long, and Lorna’s make-up was ridiculously transvestitish, but Linda and Marianne (Jacqueline Laurent) were well worth it, and both were clad with hairy bushes. There is nudity galore (the Franco staple), and he even makes an appearance as a psychiatrist.

Now, I’m by no means an expert on Franco films, but feel like I’ve seen enough to tell you what's carp and what's not, and I believe this is one of his better works, sitting well alongside Sinner: Diary of a Nymphomaniac, Eugenie, and Vampyros Lesbos. I also think it would make a great double-feature with Alucarda (also from Mondo). That was probably cemented in when I saw Lina’s crazy eyes and scream at the end, and thought, what a great segue into a film about devil possessed nuns. Put the kiddies to bed, and get out the popcorn for some blood soaked fun and lots of screaming, better yet, maybe wait until the kids aren't home, so they don't think you're killing their mom. I do have to frown down on Intervision Pictures for choosing Paula-Paula as their first release (which probably has to do with Larry Gold’s friendship and loyalty to Jess), but think The Sinister Eyes of Dr. Orloff has potential, even though I have no clue about the Orloff story, or it's sequels. So, in the meantime, pick up the others mentioned above, and go Franc yourself. :)

While Paula-Paula gets an overall rating of 1, only because of full frontal nudity, Lorna was actually a movie with substance, so rates much better.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --4-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --3-- FRANCO GOODNESS --4--

OVERALL RATING --3--

Happy Birthday K-Fleet

Did Stephen King really say this?

At first I thought this was some random dude's comment from some random source of media, but at second look, it's from the one and only Stephen King. "The Best American Horror Film..." That had to be taken out of context, seeing that this is a remake of the Swedish film, Let The Right One In, and I've heard it's pretty much a shot-for-shot redo. While I can't speak on either film, because I haven't seen them (although LTROI is sitting in my collection), I can say that it's not an American original. I speculate that other words accompanied these while talking to King, but the marketing and promotions dept at Anchor Bay strategically plucked out these for the DVD release. King can't be that oblivious, but his stamp of approval could translate into dollars. So, maybe it is a great movie, and possibly the best American horror REMAKE in the last 20 years, but to pawn it off as an American classic is a travesty. So, screw what King says, watch both (the original first, of course), and then you can determine which one, if either, should be in the Horror Hall of Fame.

More 9.99 Blu Ray Deals at Best Buy

So, I thought Amazon was going to be the major price slasher on the big horror releases in February (and they still could be), but I just visited Best Buy's website (a Sunday ritual), and noticed some new Blu Ray entries added to their 9.99 and under bins. I Spit On Your Grave (The Original), Last House on the Left (1972), Poltergeist 2, Robocop 2&3, and Heavy Metal and Hatchet 2 (for $14.99). There are also some great non-horror titles, so head on over and fill up your cart, or visit a store on Tuesday for these great/cheap releases.

Dogtooth (2009)

No, this isn’t the movie poster, but I thought it would be a funny intro. Dogtooth takes us into the lives of a family who have kept their children hidden from society’s evils. They’re home schooled, play childish games and have childlike demeanors, are highly impressionable and somewhat oblivious, clearly dysfunctional, and harshly disciplined for their shortcomings. The parents do a lot to manipulate their kids thoughts, like what is, really isn’t, and make up stories to keep them at bay.

Christina, a security guard at the father’s work, is introduced into the mix in order to satisfy the son’s sexual needs. She’s blindfolded on the car ride to and fro, does the deed, mingles with the family for a bit, is paid for her time, and repeats the process on another day. Well, when the son fails to satisfy her needs, she takes things into her own hands, or should I say crotch, and bargains with the older sister. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop (in return for a sparkly headband)? Only Christina knows, but this prompts the older sister to start bargaining with her younger one (licks for treats). Christina’s devilish ways not only brings curiosity, but ultimately crushes their entire world.

A few horror elements come into play too. The older sister bites her brother’s arm and then later knifes it, all over a toy airplane. The son takes a pair of hedge clippers and kills a stray cat in the backyard. The older sister gets bashed over the head for watching porno, Christina gets bashed with a VCR, and the older sister bashes her dogtooth out with a hand weight. There's lots of bashing going on here! Incest plays out too (the parent's idea), since Christina is no longer welcome, but the son still has his carnal needs.

I could give a play-by-play of how this film unfolds, and may have given too much away already, but Dogtooth has to be watched in order to be understood. Sure, it may confuse and disgust some feeble viewers, and similarities to Blast from the Past and The Village may be recognized, but it’s my (early) pick as one of the best movies of 2011 (even though it was filmed in 2009). It has the shock value of Kids, Gummo, and Ken Park, yet allows a sense of compassion, as the kids are merely puppets of their masters (their parents).

A scene I found humorous is when the younger sister is cutting off her Barbie doll's feet with scissors, and she screams every time she does it. There’s just a sense of childishness we can all relate to, and an innocence we may have lost due to growing up. Much like a pussy is a big light, and a zombie is a small, yellow flower (these are the definitions given by the mother), maybe our adolescent minds have come to learn too much, thus making life way too complicated. Oh, the obliviousness of these kids if they're ever released into the real world...

This is a great movie, and a great feature for the new year. Another movie on my radar is Enter the Void by Gaspar Noe, the man behind Irreversible and I Stand Alone, which are highly recommended, and highly controversial. When I look at people’s “most extreme cinema” lists, these two titles are almost always on there, and that's my kind of cinema, so I have big hopes for his new flick! If you like these, you should like Dogtooth, but either way, it's not one that's easily forgotten.

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

ACTING --4-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- NUDITY --3-- ORIGINALITY --4-- DIRECTING --4--

OVERALL RATING --4--

Schoolgirl Hitchhikers (1973)

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While I’m always looking for new ways to inspire and entertain my Side Show viewers, I tend to get tired and complacent in writing about movies that are easily forgotten. But, I like doing it, and for your sake, I'm constantly trying to re-invent my style in order to help prevent staleness and redundancy. So, starting with this review, I’ll try a WTF list, which I borrowed from fellow blogger-in-crime, The Jaded Viewer.

Schoolgirl Hitchhikers is about BFF’s Jackie (the blonde) and Monica (the brunette) who do everything together, including inviting themselves into an abandoned house, and then sleeping in their bed (Goldilocks style). After fooling around with Jackie (and eating her porridge), Monica grabs a smoke on the balcony, only to find that the lights are on downstairs, and neither of them had left the room. So, she investigates, and finds that petty thief Pete also inhabits the dwelling. So, what's a woman to do, but turn on her seductive gaze and get laid? Jackie wakes up, goes downstairs, and joins the festivities too, little nudging needed.

The next morning, the girls wave au revoir, and now enters the angry dominatrix chick and her goon, looking for Pete’s jewels (ha ha, no, not those). The girls are gone, the jewels are gone, and so the hunt is on. They're tracked down, chloroformed, and taken back to the house. Jackie is tied up, stripped, and whipped, but knows nothing, while Monica is in the other room seducing the goon so she can make a break for it. In what I though would be another drawn out scene of fornication, abruptly ended with a vase-to-the-head bashing. So, she finds a private investigator (and his pigtailed partner), gives them the low-down, and they head back to the house, only to find it empty (signified by an uncalled for baboon howl). WTF? This gives a great segue into the WTF/random thoughts portion of the review:

-From afar, Pete kinda looks like Tom Savini or Charles Bronson.
-I’d like to see Ms. Pigtails get naked.
-The great shoot out. How many bullets does a six-shot revolver really have? More than that--obviously!
-Monica’s shirt just came off, yet again, and she’s being beaten by the dominatrix.
-Monica and Pete go at it again, and the dominatrix is a voyeur…go figure.
-All the chicks get a wardrobe change.
-Yes! Pete whips out the belt and makes Ms. Pigtails get undressed. Damn, what a disappointment.
-The jewels are still missing…who’s that pulling into the driveway?
-Monica uses her seductive ways yet again, and it has the power to unearth precious stones.
-Pete is a fraud, the gems are fake.
-Magnum P.I. and Ms. Piggy save Pete from the vengeful dominitrix.
-Reunited once again, Monica and Jackie kiss, and then go frolicking off into the woods.

Simply put, Monica is a nympho, a tease, and will get naked with anyone. The first 30 minutes are pretty much nothing but sex. First, Monica with Jackie, then Monica with Pete, and then Monica and Jackie with Pete. While there are a few brief moments of eroticism, the sex scenes are laughable, and way too long, and when Monica goes nuts in a climactic fury while Jackie is kissing/licking on her belly, it’s absolutely ridiculous. This is not one of Jean’s best works, and perhaps he was just coming off of one of his porno stints. It’s almost as if he had been watching British comedies too, because that's about the humor level portrayed, and one I'm not a fan of.

The big question is, what happened to Jean’s token orgasmic backdrops and supernaturally overtoned storylines? Schoolgirl Hitchhikers was released in between two of his more known releases, Nude Vampire and Lips of Blood, and done under one of his aliases, Michel Gentil (taken from his full name, Jean Michel Rollin Le Gentil). This film may have been an embarrassment for him, or just a money making project, since he didn’t even tack on his real name to it, then again, maybe he didn’t deem it worthy of the Rollin stamp because he didn’t write it. I can only speculate, but unless you’re an unrelenting fan, and feel your life would not be complete without owning every feature of his, I’d pass on it, and re-visit some of his better known works. Sadly, the maestro’s life was taken from us on December 15th, so R.I.P. Jean Rollin (1938-2010), you will be missed. I really hope someone releases his most recent film, Le masque de la Méduse (Mask of Medusa). And, for the 2-0-1-1, I hope to bring a refreshing breath of air to the Side Show Review for the new decade!! Stalls and Smokeskrene, you with me?

A side note: The coverart for Schoolgirl Hitchhikers on Amazon is a little deceptive, since neither of the chicks pictured on the cover are in the film. This looks like a marketing ploy used to drive in a new audience of viewers, but the actual artwork is seen at the end of the trailer above.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --3-- ROLLIN-ESQUE --1-- # OF SCHOOLGIRLS --0--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Porno (2010)

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Porno, released by Synapse Films, is a three part compilation of erotic stories continuing their Classic Latin Erotica Collection series, along with Violence and Flesh and Chick's Ability. Unfortunatley, there isn’t a lot of substance to this entry, but a few lines noting the highlights may peak your interest.

Part 1: This is probably the most erotic of the three, and is about a virgin girl who fancies other females, only to be deceived by a non-virgin. After a successful seduction and sexual interlude, she believes she’s about to pop another virgin’s cherry with her mom’s vibrator, but disappointingly finds out that her seductee’s hymen has already been claimed by someone else (a male).

Part 2: A thick, Latina chick wants to have no-questions asked sex with her male cohort, but to her surprise, she's unable to get a rise out of him because he's waiting until the right moment. What??? That's normally a chick move, but after a shower (shower curtain left open of course), and a wardrobe change (into a nun outfit), they get down. Just to make it clear, it's her wearing the nun outifit, but had it been the other way around, it could have put an interesting spin on the story.

Part 3: It’s easy to sum up this entry with: a blind woman, mirrors, a maid onlooker, a jealous lover, and Bugsploitation. Along with sex, this is the horror-themed story of the bunch, where broken shards of glass further blind our supposedly already blind lead actress, and her revenge on her lover, Marcos. While there isn’t much eroticity to this, and the horror element is laughable, the memorable moments are when the old maid watches them having sex in disgust, yet continues to watch, and when Marcos spices up the bedroom with bug play. The result? Once you go grasshopper, you never go back.

While there are some decent looking Latinas, male and female full-frontal, (yes, your lady gets a treat too!), and several scenes of simulated sex, this is a fairly forgettable and dated feature. So, I say, stick with the Schoolgirl Report series (Volume 7 just released), also available from Synapse/Impulse Films. Sure, the Spanish language may be more sexually pleasing to the ear, but the Germans know how to put it down. Nazisploitation and Ilsa She Wolf of the SS anyone? Oh yeah!!

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --3-- CHUBB-ERIFIC --2-- HEY MACARENA --5--

OVERALL RATING --2--