Taintlight (2008)

If you’re a sucker, buy it now at Amazon.com!!

Any movie that makes fun of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight Saga, I’m down to see, since they're way over-hyped, made strictly for teen girls, and offer me nothing but a little eye candy at best. Now, I haven’t seen New Moon, but will when it hits DVD (just to say I have), and am not expecting anything epic in my viewing experience. So, since I like spoofs, the latest movie to hit my DVD player was Taintlight, from Splatter Rampage/Tempe Video. This is the same studio that brought us Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker, Townies, and Filthy McNasty, which I own. If you haven't seen or heard of them, then maybe you need to remove your head from Hollywood's ass, because there are a slew of indie films out there that are more enjoyable.

This feature intends to be 123% camp, but failed to entertain me, and about halfway through, I started doing other things, like browsing the web for porn. So, here's the lame premise: Stella goes to stay with her father after her mom commits suicide, and she finds comfort in her friend, Jack...that is, until Edgar Mullen comes into the picture. So, Edgar takes a liking to Stella and weird shit starts to happen. We get the death of a drunken mime, loads of overzealous facial expressions, her father’s perversions (incest included), poop and fart jokes, a Michael Jackson-esque werewolf, and Razor McBleed's death by the hands of Edgar and a frisbee. And, to poke further fun, when Edgar goes into the sunlight, he doesn’t sparkle, but gets a boner, and bubbles release from his crotch. Hee hee, ha ha, nope, it wasn't the least bit funny.

Even though this film clocks in at a mere 60 minutes and some change, it felt much longer, and I may have even lost a few brain cells by watching it. I didn't even find it to be Troma-riffic, so maybe I’ve just gotten too old and sophisticated to watch crap like this...Naw, that can't be, since I still giggle like a little girl when watching others with similar stupidity. So, I'll just have to blame it on the delivery, and even though someone found it funny enough to front the money, this is still garbage in my book. Yeah, yeah, I understand it’s niche viewing, and maybe a six pack would have helped, but I would venture to say that this was worse than a Bill Zebub flick. Oh yeah, I said it, and you can read my review for The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made here.

But, Taintlight did have a couple of somewhat memorable lines, even though they were one-gigglers at best:
Edgar says to Stella: “Do you beat up your vagina when you get turned on?”
And, as Stella wakes up to see her dad jerkin his gerkin over her bed, he says, “I must be sleep jacking again….”

The original working title for this was Twatlight, which is obviously hard to market outside of the porno realm, but had it squeaked through under that name, it would have only meant even more disappointed viewers. And, with Twilight's popularity, it's only natural for the porn industry to take a stab at it, as they have many others (XXX-Files, The Exxxorcist, Not the Bradys, and This Ain't Good Times to name a few), but fangs + BJs = OUCH!!



In place of Taintlight, re-watch any of the Scary Movie films, since the Wayans Brothers and Leslie Nielsen almost always bring a laugh.

ACTING --1-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --0-- WOULD STEPHANIE APPROVE? --NO-- WOULD TROMA APPROVE? --NO--

OVERALL RATING --1--

Bad Girls Dormitory (1984)

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

I’m by no means an expert on Women in Prison movies, nor a big fan of the genre, but I have seen quite a few from around the world (probably just for the fact that naked women are guaranteed). So, since Bad Girls Dormitory sounded like a promising title, I took the gamble from Netflix. It’s shot in New York, is straight up 80’s, quite laughable (even though I didn't chuckle), and one of the lamest I’ve seen. These movies pretty much all follow the same formula: naked women trying to escape, suppressed lesbian love, a wicked warden, and corrupt guards. Even with tons of nudity and titillation (crotchillation too), I wasn’t the slightest bit aroused or amused. Had I seen it in my early teens when my libido was running rampant, the outcome may have been different, but there wasn't a single thing I could even consider a guilty pleasure. The only things I did enjoy were the soundtrack, and a couple of kill scenes (a shotgun blow to the crotch, and a piano wire strangulation).

Bad acting and dialog, mediocre looking women, an Ilsa-esque warden, lame catfights, and a whole lot of crapola plague this feature. The editing is horrible, often jumping to scenes that make no sense in the flow of events, and it almost looks like it was made as a Skinemax after dark flick. I like cheese, when it's done right (and there is a fine line), but it seems like it tried too hard to play out the stereotypes of the genre, yet encompass elements of other movies that were popular of the time, like The Warriors.

Something I found interesting (thanks to the inside sleeve) is that the director, Tim Kincaid, also directs porn under the name Joe Gage. So, it’s really no surprise that the storyline lacked substance, and the editing and camera angles were shoddy and simple. And sadly, as one would expect from a man of his expertise, there’s not even a money shot (blasphemous, I know), unless you consider those the multiple crotch close-ups, which sadly, were clothed. But, all of his film credits in the new millenium are for gay porn, so something steered him away from Women in Prison (probably a good thing), and back into men who have risen (hee hee).


Maybe I'm being a bit too nit-picky, but I don’t have a vast knowledge of 80’s b-erotica to compare it to. I just know if it doesn’t give me the childish butterflies of awe (and a tingle in my pants), like when I used to sneak into my dads room to view his nudie mags, then maybe I don’t have the capacity to appreciate it. A sidenote: While writing this review, Police Academy (in HD no less) was on TV, so I just had to watch it, even though it was edited. It's one of those movies that no matter how many times I've seen it, it just makes the years melt away. Maybe it's pre-Sex in the City Kim Cattrall (also in Porky's and Mannequin, two more of my faves), the antics of Steve Guttenberg, or sound effects maestro Michael Winslow that does it, but this movie just entertains the heck out of me and makes me giggle. But, Bad Girls Dormitory is just bad, so steer your efforts elsewhere. I suggest Frankenhooker, another movie featuring BGD's Jennifer Delora, which does have a lot of cheese, but is way more enjoyable. I do wonder, though, if Breeders (1986) (also Tim's film) is any better. I think it sits in my shelf with an inch of dust, so maybe I need to watch it, just to see if he can re-gain some credibility. But, I won't be watching Chainsaw, that's for sure!

ACTING --1-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- NUDITY --3-- WOMEN IN CAGE-ERIFFIC --0-- DIRECTING --1--

OVERALL RATING --1.5--

Is Warner Brothers' the Devil?

The holidays were a little brutal, so I got behind on video business news, but just read on Mya Communications blog, that in December, ADA (Alternative Distribution Alliance) was merged into WEA distribution, another facet of Warner Brothers' Entertainment.

If you remember earlier in the year, Ryko Distribution was absorbed into ADA (read here), and I lost a great partner, Tony, due to that. Well, Tony kindly gave my info to Jay at ADA (who I guess just got disposed of during the recent merger), and he passed me onto Kim. Kim's a great guy, lives in Washington, is an Aussie (a nod to my bro), and has sent me many promos in the short time I've known him, including my first Blue Underground Blu Ray, The New York Ripper, which I still need to watch. Luckily, he will keep his job, but will be handling Amazon's account, and I will be passed onto someone else, who I can only hope will be as generous. The industry I love is ever so changing, and I have yet to determine if it's for the better. I guess as long as the releases keep coming, then that's what matters, but I often wonder what my own future and career aspirations hold as consolidations and downsizing are common place.

I know it's all about business, but Ryko/ADA have the top indie releases, and if they shutter, or continue to get stong-armed by "The Man," we can kiss any future releases and lost gems from the Italian and Spanish greats goodbye. Since it all boils down to money, it's our job as horror, erotica, and weird cinema fanatics to keep the dream alive by buying and supporting releases from Severin, Blue Underground, Mya, Mondo Macabro, Troma, etc. So, come on fans and fellow bloggers, we can't let The Devil overtake us (even as fun as it may sound to some).

Coming in January:
From Mya Communications-
Desirable Teacher
Sex Advice
Hunchback of the Morgue
Lady Medic
Blade of the Ripper
Human Cobras
Cricket

From Scorpion Releasing-
Goodbye Gemini
Doctor Death

From Troma, Impulse, Liberation, and Blue Underground-
Troma S War
Toolbox Murders (Blu Ray)
Schoolgirl Report 6
House on Sorority Row

February:
The Alcove
Poultrygeist (Blu Ray)
Schoolgirl Hitchhikers
I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle
The Crazies (Blu Ray)
Taxi Driver
Car Cemetery
The Fiend
and many more...

Films Not Worthy of a Real Review Part 2

This goes along with a prior post called Films Not Worthy of a Real Review Part 1, which sadly, I couldn't find in any of my blogs. I remember writing it, but not a single movie I put on it, so I guess it was titled appropriately. Well, here's a few more I recently watched that didn't really merit thorough Side Show analyzation:


Zombie Dearest (2009):
From the jump, this had so much potential with it's Shaun of the Dead/Fido antics, but ended up leaving me hanging. Director David Kemker plays the lead role perfectly, along with David Sparrow as Quinto the Zombie, and Shirley Temple-haired Shauna Black rounds it out with her cuteness. Zombie comedies are the rave these days, and this fits in perfectly, even though the ending may leave you a little disappointed.


Hoodoo for Voodoo (2006):
The best thing about this movie was the boobage and catch phrase t-shirts everyone wore, but like many others, fails to entertain outside of that. The gore and dialog were lame, which may have been the intent, but it couldn't even be saved by Linnea Quigley (looking rather old I might add), cameos by Debbie Rochon and Lloyd Kaufman, or Tiffany Shepis's boobs.


Hanger (2009):
After watching this, my first impression was to write it off as just another film made to shock, but since then, I can't seem to get it out of my head. It's not a great movie, but does have several WTF? moments, and maybe just enough quirkiness for my appetite. So, I've decided to buy and rewatch it. What I do remember is Debbie Rochon plays a pregnant hooker who's pimp doesn't like the fact that his prize ho has gotten knocked up, so he aborts the baby with a hanger. Baby lives, but is deformed, and the father comes along on his 18th birthday to help rear his son. Boobs, crotch, labia, blood, oddities, this film has it all, but sadly, you'll walk away shaking your head wondering what train wreck you just watched. This is the same director that did Gutterballs, which I reviewed.


Home Movie (2008):
This is about a twin brother and sister who start mutilating animals, and then a friend, and then their parents, who somewhat ironically, are a minister and therapist. Hand-held cam type of movie that was an hour and a half of wasted time. I was excited when this finally got released outside of the IFC/Blockbuster circuit, but it ended up being easily forgotten. Watch Ghost House Underground's The Children, or the original Children of the Corn (not that crappy Syfy remake) instead.


Penanace (2009):
Penance had several boobs, but is some kind of a Nazi/Ilsa/Martyrs purification movie about strippers who get drugged, locked up, and tortured in order to purify their souls. Another movie intended to shock, which is portrayed in a scene where a guy cuts out this chick's clitoris (no close ups) and puts it a jar with others, and then cuts off his nuts and puts them in a jar. This may disgust or be shocking to some, but I thought it was quite ridiculous. Then again, I'm kinda numb to most things intended to make my eyes pop out, make me piss or crap myself, or make me vomit. Don't confuse this with August Underground's movie of the same name, which really, isn't any better.

And so, my search for Movie of the Year continues...

Jason Plays a Mean Triangle (You Tube Short)

Well, if I can't find time to post movie reviews, maybe I can entertain you with random crap. Some may be movie related, some not, but thanks to the blog Chuck Norris Ate My Baby, we see Freddy and Jason's musical (and bilingual) talents.

Fallout (2009)-Moonlight Films-Hutchinson, KS

Coming to DVD in 2010 will be Hutchinson, Kansas' own, Fallout. If you follow my reviews, you may recall me referencing the film Undead on Arrival. Well, that was the first film I helped with from Moonlight Films. Fallout is our next venture, and is now in the cutting room. Stay tuned for more info, and visit Moonlight's site.

Me and Dudrey

Robert and Chris

Naked and Violent (1970)

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

Okay, so it's been over 2 months since any of the Side Show staff posted anything, which I've heard means blog suicide, but we'll see. For me, work has consumed me, it's the holiday season for crying out loud, and I work in retail. For Smokeskrene, he's had his sights/thoughts on his big move in March, establishing his new band, and the fall of his relationship (don't worry, he's bouncing back to his old self), and for Stalls, he's been going to school and film making, and other than Trick r Treat and Halloween 3: Season of the Witch, I haven't heard about a single movie he's watched. So, I guess you could say we've all been selfish in our own lives, and too busy to contribute to/entertain yours. Sorry, it's not intentional, but does happen, since it does take time to write reviews, be thought provoking (at least somewhat), and get motivated when you've seen so much garbage that you just want to do nothing but rewatch all the stuff you hold so dear. Then again, what's the fun in that? I'm the one that should be spending the money, taking the time and risk, and bringing you the latest in underground and obscure cinema. I really hope not to leave you empty handed again this year because I'm unable to find that one movie to put my stamp on and tout as Movie of the Year. Trust me, I have an assload of quirky films to watch, yet only a few weeks until 2009 is said and done. But, without further rambling of what I haven't accomplished, here's my first (and hopefully not last, although I guarantee nothing) review for December.

Naked and Violent is Sergio Martino and Luciano Martini’s portrayal of what 1970s America was like. From the bums and strip clubs on the streets of New York, to the drugged out and sex crazed hippies at Woodstock, to the old traditions of the south and the rednecks in Texas, to the Krishnas, Native Americans, Amish, Hawaiians, and even Las Vegas, no stone was left unturned. They try to show as much brutality, depravity, racism, and sex as possible, that you’d think this was either an Anti-America film, or a travel agent's plug to come visit modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah. They even reference such iconic figures and places as JFK, Hugh Hefner, the Manson Family, and NY’s own 42nd Street.

Only in the 70’s could you still get raw footage of African tribal dancing (a sex rite) done by modern day negroes (his words, not mine), perverse sex acts with inflatable dolls, and animal sacrifice, without the MPAA, some activist group, or Johnny Law shutting down your film. What were Sergio and Luciano really trying to say about Americans? Are Italians really that much more tame and less barbaric than us? Some of the most exploitive and gruesome films came from Italy, and then sold to American distributors because of a lack of national embrace. Italians hating Italian films, how blasphemous! Maybe it was just Sergi and Luci’s jealousy of not being American, and having the ability to experience all the freedom, individualism, sex, drugs, and rock n roll. Home of the free, land of the slave, oh, I mean brave, right? I don’t know, all they were doing was poking fun and pointing the finger at what would become their core viewing audience, and still is. Those crazy Italians!

From the Neanderthal-like sports and eating habits we have, to our unusual sexual practices and religious beliefs, to our political pro-war vs socio anti-war views, to our treatment of the elderly, mentally challenged, and disabled people, the Italians presented it all. And, they ended the film with Lady Liberty standing tall without a care to the world, the true American vision/ideology.

Sergio is better known for his films Mountain of the Cannibal God, Torso, Case of the Scorpion’s Tail, The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh, and Island of the Fishmen (another title released by Mya Communications). The picture quality varies by frame, and goes from clear to grainy to horribly scratched and down right mangled. But, I’ve found this to be a commonality in Mya releases, as they try to offer some of the most obscure titles, presented in their most uncut versions, even adding footage that should have stayed buried. And, as seen in their other releases, no bonus features are offered, but they do have subtitles rather than dubbing. Once again, I applaud Mya for bringing this title to the masses, but yet another Boo for picture quality, no extra features, and a pretty crummy/biased feature in the vein of the Mondo Cane films. So, unless you're just a fan of these kind of films, steer away, and take Island of the Fishmen and Lucifera: Demon Lover off your Netflix queue or to buy list as they're garbage too.

ENTERTAINMENT --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --3-- FILM QUALITY --2-- ITALIAN GREATNESS --0--

OVERALL RATING --2--