Death Wish (1974)

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

This has got to be one of the best trailers I’ve seen in a long time, and even though I own it, I hadn’t seen Death Wish in over 10 years. But, the past couple times I went to my girlfriend’s parent’s house, I noticed that her dad had it, so while waiting for lunch on Father’s Day, we watched it.

Much like other movies of the era, it’s a kick ass and take names later kind of flick, but rather than it being Clint Eastwood or Chuck Norris, it’s Charles Bronson, who just reeks of badassness, and who I believe can take the other two. Chucky B is one bad mofo, and even though he has a kind and compassionate face, he but can straight unleash the beast when provoked.

So, here's the story. After enjoying a relaxing vacation with his wife, they head back to the hustle and bustle of city life, but things go awry when his wife and daughter are attacked and assaulted (in their own home), and the daughter is raped by one of the gang members, a young-faced Jeff Goldblum. The wife dies in the hospital, and the daughter is comatosely traumatized. So, what’s a man to do, but be hellbent on revenge? And, with no help from the local P.D., he has no choice but to go vigilante, with nothing but a sock full of quarters by his side, and a gleam of justice in his eye.

So, he roams the streets at night looking for gang activity, and is almost mugged, but gives the guy a good whacking and flees. Almost in disbelief of what he’s done (or capable of doing), he has a drink to calm his nerves, and starts to think of a different plan. But, he has to go out-of-state for business, and so his plans are put on hold. But, while there, his partner takes him to a shooting range, and even though Chuck hasn’t held a gun since his father’s death and the Korean War, he doesn’t seem to miss a beat. So, once business is done, his partner slips him a little going away present and he heads home.

His daughter, Carol, still has yet to get better, and to add fuel to the fire, he receives the vacation pictures in the mail. So, he hits the streets again, and thwarts another mugging, but this time with a gun. This becomes his nightly routine, and no place is safe for deviants to hang out anymore.

The police catch on pretty quick, and start riffling through the files looking for person and motive, which eventually leads to Chuck. But, the D.A. doesn’t want him caught, since he’s doing such a great job of cleaning up, but they want him to go away silently so it doesn't spark others to do the same. So, the local P.D. try to use a few scare tactics, but that just makes Chuck up his game.

And so, he’s able to take out a few more hooligans, but in the final showdown, he gets shot, and after a short stint in the hospital, he takes the advice of the inspector, and skips town to Chicago (an obvious set up for a whole new adventure).

If you don’t own this movie, you’re a sucker, and should immediately follow the Amazon link and make it a part of your collection. It’s well worth the 5 bucks spent, has a score by Herbie Hancock (remember Rockit?), and is fun for the whole family. Well, that part may not be true, but this is good, wholesome entertainment, and oh so grindhouseish. And, not that it needs it, but I guess Sly Stallone thinks it’s kick ass enough to give it a remake, which may don the big screen in 2011. I wonder who will play Chucky B, though, since there’s really no replacement for him?

Pick it up, love it, share it with a friend, laugh at the red spray painted butt scene and Chuck in his Speedo, and then talk yourself into buying #2. My friend, Paul, says it has “one of the best rape scenes ever,” and I almost questioned what comprised a good rape scene, but then quickly paused in thought, having realized I’d seen so many before that were done so horribly. Plus, taking the source into consideration, a wise man of his years, and a fellow perv with demented viewing preferences, I gotta take his word for it, and hope to get around to watching it sometime this year. But, Part 1 is still a classic for sure.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- NUDITY --2-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --3-- SHEER BADASSNESS --4--

OVERALL RATING --3.5--

Devil Girl (2007)

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

I first heard about this movie from a co-worker, and after doing a little research, thought it looked not only hokey, but plain stupid. Well, since I’m on Brain Damage Films mailing list, and they have distribution rights to Elite Entertainment films, I received not one, but 2 copies of Devil Girl over the course of time, and then a 3rd copy from my friend at our corporate office. So, with 3 copies at my disposal, I figured I should watch it, then spread the wealth to friends, and even if it sucked, what did I have to lose but time?

It starts out with a grindhouse feel, the grainy picture, loud soundtrack, old/fast cars, and also seemed very reminiscent of Death Proof, but with a female driver this time. So, as I’m trying to get into it, I have my first WTF moment in the first 5 minutes, where a motorcycle pulls over, the dude takes off his helmet, and has a painted clown face. A clown? Did dude just get off work and head home before showering? I guess not all clowns travel/carpool in those really small cars with other clowns, but wouldn’t you know it, he ends up a little later in a VW Bug anyway.

Our Death Proof chick, Fay, is tough (you can tell by the leather jacket and the biker boots), likes to hustle at the pool hall, and show just how fast her car really is, taking suckers money left and right. The clown, although I'm not yet sure of his motive (maybe it’s hate of being a friggin clown, that would suck right?), goes through cars and people like there’s no tomorrow. He also has a liking for anything that will take him to an alternative world, whether it be snorted, smoked, inhaled, or popped. It’s still early in the movie, but I’m guessing the final showdown will be between the clown and the tough chick. But wait, then enters Devil Girl, but she's only there long enough to smoke a joint, and then she’s gone.

Fay’s ride runs out of gas, so she must hike to nearest town and stay the night until the mechanic can get to it. This is where she has her first face-to-face run-in with Mr. Clown, but nothing really happens, as he just stares at her kinda dumbfounded. See, when she stopped earlier to get gas, he stole her wallet, so in order to make money, she has to strip. She’s cute, slender, long-legged, and has a nice little set of perkies, which seems to please the local pervs, and earns her enough money to pay for her motel room. She learns the next morning that her fuel pump is shot, so she’ll have to spend a few more nights, and heads back to the club to make more dough.

Up comes WTF moment #2, when after a long night of taking off her clothes, Fay hears someone lurking outside her room, so she pulls a screwdriver out of her duffle bag for protection. A screwdriver? Who (but grease monkeys) carries a screwdriver with them? A knife, yes, a gun, yes, mace or a taser, yes, a beat stick, yes, a screwdriver, no (unless it's a phillips). Granted, a screwdriver can do some friggin damage, but there are more practical, compact weapons that one can conceal.

Devil Girl seems to pop up everywhere, in the club, in the church to haunt the local pastor, who seems to have an evil side (don't they all?), and finally, to Fay, who has a sexual interlude with her. Fay’s car gets fixed, and she gets back on the road, but not before she’s chased by the perv motel owner, and helped out by the clown. The movie ends with Donald (the clown), now a normal looking guy, in a mental institution surrounded by all of those who were major characters in the story, but who are actually his nurse, orderly, or fellow patients. Haven’t we seen this premise before?

But, despite the similarities to other films, I liked this much more than I thought I would. Maybe it was the lead actress, Jessica Graham, maybe it was the nudity, maybe it was the ridiculous clown, I can’t really pin-point it, but I liked it and would watch it again. And, as far as Mr. Clown goes, he’s like Rodney Dangerfield, and can’t seem to get any respect. He’s constantly thrown out of the strip club, gets evil glares from everyone around, and continually has to fight his demons, mostly drug induced. The words that come out of his mouth are ridiculous, redundant, and only at times, a little chuckle-worthy, and even though he tries to be as witty as Heath Ledger’s Joker, he doesn’t even come close to Jack Nicholson’s, but I still couldn’t hate him. I never quite understood why they chose a clown, but I guess that’s what one might see being overmedicated on prescription drugs. A friend once told me that when he dropped acid, he saw Smurfs breakdancing on the hood of his car, so I guess clowns don’t seem that far-fetched after all.

This film is worth a watch, and I can see big things in Jessica Graham’s future. She has the talent, and a certain stardom quality, that I think can help break her into the mainstream, that is, if that's what she wants. Give it a watch and let me know what you think.

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --3-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --3-- GRINDHOUSENESS --2--

OVERALL RATING --3--

Friday the 13th (2009)

Buy it now!!

It must be the fact that I’m a new-age movie watcher but I really liked this movie. I really, really liked this movie. I had heard some mixed things about it from K-Fleet and Smokeskrene and I didn’t get to catch it in theaters so this was my first viewing experience with it and I wasn’t disappointed.

The one thing I can’t figure out is why people have been telling me it’s the first 4 movies put together into 1. With the exception of a few scenes like his shrine to his mom, and listening to a character that only has a passing resemblance to Mrs. Voorhees, there wasn’t too much else that I saw and just thought to myself “holy crap that’s from one of the original movies.”

This has to be one of the better movies in the series and if you ask me it probably ranks in the top 5. This takes Jason and makes him a badass, don’t get me wrong he was freaking awesome before but something about the way he does things this time around; the way he kills people is a million times better than any other movie they made. He just seems more brutal and visceral in this movie than any of the others.

Oddly enough, no one had ever mentioned the fact we get to see Jason’s “house” in this movie. It caught me by surprise when it was first showed, but I do approve of it. For some reason the question of where Jason lives when he’s not out killing people or being stuck in the bottom of a lake never crossed my mind, but after seeing his lair it just seemed natural. I don’t want to ruin anything if you haven’t seen the movie but it’s like the bat-cave for a machete wielding psycho killer.

Also, if you though there was nudity in the other movies, you haven’t seen anything compared to this bad boy. Not only do we get to see 3 pairs (which ties the record for most in one movie in this series I do believe) but we see one girls set for more time than all the boobs in the first 4 movies combined. Don’t hold me to that as a real fact, I’m just saying you have a really good idea of what they look like by the time she’s dead.

I don’t know how much CGI was used in this movie, but nothing struck me as particularly CGIish. In my review for Freddy vs. Jason I talked about how it just seemed like they used CGI instead of trying to actually film some parts but I just didn’t get that feeling here. So either they didn’t use it as much, or they got a lot better in the time between the films.

This movie also really sucked me in. I’ll admit that the later in the series I got, the less the movies made me feel any emotion or hold my attention at some places. This one did just that though, I honestly at one point wondered how long I had been watching so I moved my mouse to show the time and I was at an hour, didn’t even feel like 30 minutes had passed. It’s just done in such a way that you never really get bored watching it, it just sucks you in.

The one negative thing I will point out is in the gas station. When they show the clerk, the things behind him are out of focus. Not something that would normally catch my eye, as it’s done in a lot of films because it keeps you focused on the character, but these are way out of focus. It’s like they used a funny lens just to distort them more or something. The same thing is done a few other times during the movie, but that scene really sticks in my head.

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --4-- BLOOD/GORE --4-- NUDITY --5-- ENDING --2-- DIRECTING --5--

OVERALL RATING --4.5--

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

Buy it now!!

Not sure how well this review will cover the Freddy side of things, I haven’t seen those in a while and don’t really remember how well it follows the whole Freddy lore. It does have Robert Englund in it though, so it can’t be all too bad.

Freddy vs. Jason starts off with a brief re-cap of the Nightmare on Elm Street series of movies. We learn that Freddy killed kids, then the parents killed him and that he then came back in dreams to kill kids until they learned that by not believing in him he loses all his powers. He makes a reference to Jason being his ticket out of hell (also a throwback to “Jason Goes to Hell”) and we start in on the movie itself. Just like most of the early Jason movies we have a counselor that get’s nude, runs through the forest, and then gets killed. It’s at this point Freddy appears as Jason’s mom and tells him he needs to get to Elm Street and start killing people in order to make them feel fear again. Jason takes off and we roll the quick intro credits.

I must admit that I really liked this movie. It must have something to do with being part of the new generation as K-Fleet calls it, because I also thought Rob Zombies re-make of Halloween was great and him not so much.

One of the things it does well is cover the whole Freddy/dream side of things and how they cover it up like they do in the Nightmare series. Very early in the movie the police try to keep the kids from even thinking of Freddy, this is one thing I do remember from the Nightmare films. This movie also incorporates the rhyme used while jumping rope and the little girls in the white dresses, both awesome nod’s towards the original movies, and something that had to be there or the film would have been horrible.

This movie also takes Jason and puts him on a new level of badassitude. In particular the scene where Jason walks through the rave and kills about 4 or 5 people over the course of 1 minute. Again this might just be me being part of the new generation of movie watchers but I loved this scene.

There were a few things about this film that I just didn’t like however. First off is Freddy becoming real. I can remember something about him being real in a few parts of the Nightmare movies, but I don’t remember him walking around and just killing like he does here. Also, some of the kills and some of the effects were just too CGI heavy. Don’t get me wrong, watching an Alice in Wonderland-Freddy-worm thing smoke a hookah is pretty sweet, but did it really need to be done? My last big problem with the film is the ending. If you do much research into the film, you’ll find out that about 4 other endings were considered at one point or another for the movie…..and all of them were better than this crap. Imagine that the ending was Freddy and Jason getting sucked down to hell and fighting in an arena of sorts, with the devil in the background watching. Now think of what the ending is here if you’ve seen the movie. Which one seems like a better ending to this movie?

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --4-- BLOOD/GORE --5-- NUDITY --4-- ENDING --2-- DIRECTING --4--

OVERALL RATING --4--

JASON (VS. SPACE) X

Buy it now!!

There are not a lot of great movies from the horror genre that venture into space. When described to anyone the plot of this movie can only be interpreted as absurd. Jason is found stored away. He is taken aboard a space craft full of half wits and adrenaline junkies. He is accidentally upgraded. He slaughters everything on board in real life and virtual reality. There is nothing great about this movie other than it doesn’t take it self seriously. It takes the general flaws of the already far fetched series and stretch them even farther with no intent other than to be amusing. And it is. The problem is that you will walk away with nothing more than a few chuckles. This movie didn’t ruin the series by any means but it doesn’t carry on the tradition of trying to be serious while being ridiculous. Its just ridiculous.

ACTING --0-- HUMOR --3-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- SCRIPT --0-- JASON BADASSNESS --5-- DIRECTING --2--

OVERALL RATING --2--

JASON GOES TO HELL (ALONG WITH THE SERIES)

Buy it now!!

I’ve already covered that I don’t like people cancelling out movies of the Friday the 13th series because of plot twists. Having said that, this is probably my least favorite of the series. There’s going different directions and there’s leaving the atmosphere which this does. The idea of having the government trap Jason was good. But having him pass into other people’s bodies was a little to “Twin Peaks” for me. I could of dealt with this happening once. But this being repeated was just too cheesy. If this movie had been an idea on its own that had nothing to do with the series I still don’t think it would have been enjoyable.

I think this was the first movie of the series where they really invested a great deal of money trying to capitalize on the other’s success. The feeling is similar to that of Clerks 2 in that the product was so much better when it wasn’t over thought. Bad actors is what made slasher’s great. Monster’s in masks and topless girls was the formula that made us what to cheer on kill scenes of the annoying archetypes we deal with in our everyday lives. Trading that for body jumping and slithering nonsense was just nonsense. Obviously the studio new this as they abandoned this as quickly as they took it on. The only really great moment of this movie was the dick tease ending with Freddy’s claws pulling the Jason mask to hell. After sitting through this again the idea of getting to do a review for Jason Vs. Space almost has me optimistic.

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --0-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- SCRIPT --0-- JASON BADASSNESS --0-- DIRECTION --0--

OVERALL RATING --1--

Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

To be honest, I didn’t remember a single thing about Part 7 until I read Stalls review, and even then, I had to wonder if I’d ever seen it all the way through. So, to refresh my memory and see how it might have tied into Part 8, I watched the beginning and then the end. As I mentioned before, the whole idea of Jason in the city seemed bogus to me, and although I wondered how in the hell he got to Manhattan, I never gave it a second thought, and just brushed this off as the "lost Jason film." Lost in so many ways that is! Besides, it’s not like anyone would pick him up if he was walking on the side of the road.

The camera starts out on the grimy streets of Manhattan, but we’re quickly taken to Camp Crystal Lake where a couple of teens have snuck off on a boat to make out on the lake. Unbeknownst to them, Jason lies chained and dead below (covered in lake sludge), but is brought back to life when the boat anchor pierces an underwater power line. WTF? The lightning rod from Part 6 was a little far-fetched, but still more believable than resurrection by mind power (Part 7), or by a fluke electrical incident. But, Jason’s alive and kicking once again, takes a couple of lives, and then floats on the boat where he catches a cruise-liner full of freshly graduated teens. Jason needs a vacation too ya know.

So, rather than drink a Mai Tai and kick back and relax, Jason does what he knows best, KILL. All but five people get whacked, including the captain, and once they realize the ship can’t be saved, they hop on the rescue boat, a scene somewhat reminiscent from Titanic, but instead of Leonardo DeCaprio’s sad demise, the teens and their chaperones manage to make it to Lady Liberty. But, so does Jason, whose swimming abilities have improved since he was a kid.

So, with Jason now in the crowded city, he aims to clean up the streets, the subway (where he has a near-death scene by electrocution), and the sewer system, where the nightly toxic waste dumpage gets the best of him, and melts off his already deformed face.

This movie was a disaster, and even with the return of Kane Hodder as Jason, it was still a waste of time. Some would say Kane was the best Jason, the one that gave him personality, but that definitely wasn’t the case in this film. I also read that people were really pissed off after they saw Part 5 because it wasn't really Jason killing, shit, I’d have requested my money back if I paid to see this on the big screen. Even the director, Rob Hedden, doesn’t have a single worthy credit to his name, and this plays out like another film riding on the franchise's jock. Plus, that lame ass trailer says a lot too.

There wasn’t even a single kill that I felt good about. Death by guitar, death by hot sauna rock, death by mirror shard, how f-ing snoozy. And, the fact that young Jason continues to appear, both deformed and not, is ridiculous. The coolest character, but coolest in the lowest sense, is the all-wise deckhand who warns that “Jason has returned” and “death is near” numerous times.

After 25 minutes, I was ready to turn it off, at 54 minutes, I wanted to burn it, and at the end, I realized I just wasted and hour and a half of time that I could've been watching Sanford and Son reruns. Jeez, the sacrifices I make for the Side Show Review fans…

This film did have familiar faces, though, like TV veterans Peter Mark Richmond and Warren Munson, who you probably wouldn’t know by name, but by face, and you probably couldn’t name a single thing you’ve seen them in, even though their credits are vast. And, lead teen cuties Scott Reeves and Jensen Daggett pretty much stayed on the TV circuit after this film too.

This movie was garbage, and possibly the saddest entry into the series, and with only one boob and two bare butt scenes, my interest kept was minimal. Even with 17 kills, when there's a lack of blood and gore, you have to offset that with naked people (preferably women), and humor, that’s just how it is. But, if you have a lame story, crummy acting, ridiculous kills, minimal blood and gore, little to no skin, and almost no humor, then your film is bound to suck, no matter if you have Kane Hodder (or anyone else at that) donning Jason's mask. Shame on whoever wrote this piece of crap and tried to pawn it off as a Friday the 13th film. I know new ideas are hard to come by, but I’d have much rather seen old regurgitated stuff, than a far-fetched idea that sucked. Shit, "Jason plays poker," or "Jason takes a crap in the woods" would have been much more entertaining.

Smokeskrene believes that this film deserves at least a 3, if for no other reason than it having Kane Hodder, but I can’t be that generous. "Jason On A Boat" is not only off the charts on the Stink-O-Meter, but I kept waiting for T-Pain and Lonely Island to jump out and start singing, “I’m on a Boat, look at me (Pam), I’m on a motherf-in boat!” And then Jason breaks out into some footwork or the robot. Hee hee, that would be a great SNL or Robot Chicken skit.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- NUDITY --1-- CREATIVITY --2-- FT13TH WORTHINESS --1--

OVERALL RATING --a very generous 2--

Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood

Buy it now!!

When the new Friday the 13th movie came out earlier this year, it seemed like the perfect excuse for me to go out and buy all the old ones. I had seen most of them yet I owned none. So I ran out and picked up the “From Crystal Lake to Manhattan” box set and then picked up the other 3 separately. I began to watch them over the course of about 4 or 5 weeks and loved it. Then the idea for this lead up to the new movie came about and we divided the films up. I got 6, 7, Freddy vs. Jason and the new one. I sat down to watch the movies and review. It was at this time I realized something. I freaking hate the 7th movie. Can’t stand it. I honestly think it’s one of the worst films in the series. So many people bash on “Jason goes to hell” and “Jason X” but did they ever watch this one? Anyway enough bashing, on to the review.

If you never saw the 6th film, just watch the first couple of minutes of the 7th one, it pretty much runs you through everything that happened. Great way of condensing about an hour and a half into 3 minutes. The film officially begins with a flashback of Tina, our main character. We quickly find out that she has telekinetic powers when she kills her dad. Back to present time we find Tina and her mom headed back out to Crystal Lake, in an attempt to figure out completely what is wrong with her with the help of her doctor, Dr. Crews. They don’t really get along that well and at one point Tina goes running out of the house and to the end of the dock. She uses her powers to wake up Jason, who immediately sets off. All that time under water has done wonders for Jason however, as his decayed suit and flesh makes for the most badass looking Jason yet in my opinion.

I’ve decided that the reason I don’t like this movie is the whole storyline and Tina. I understand that they did it to bring something new to the table, but for some reason I just don’t like the way they took it. Something about a psychic girl using her powers to fight Jason just sounds dumb when said out loud, how in the world did they ever get a green light to actually make this movie? And the ending, dumb is the only word I can think of to describe it. I won’t say anything to ruin it if you haven’t seen it, but just be ready to shake your head and be disappointed when/if you do watch it.

Also, where in the world does Jason get the 50 different weapons he uses during the film? He just randomly appears with one thing, then he has another, and another. At one point he walks out of the woods with a power saw on the end of a pole, granted it’s a really cool weapon to use. We never once see him really pick up a weapon, with the exception of an axe, he just appears out of the woods with them.

Also, random cat…..the hell? If you’ve seen this movie you know what I’m talking about, if not then go watch this movie and you’ll figure it out when it happens. Not sure if this is supposed to be a throwback to the second movie or what but either way it just didn’t seem to fit the flow of the movie.

Negativity aside, the movie does have some really cool things going for it. Tina’s visions of people dying were kind of sweet. I particularly like the one of her mom dying in the middle of the road she has while driving. This movie also has the coolest kill ever ala the sleeping bag death, nothing better in my opinion.

This movie also brought back nudity to the series, something that was oddly missing from the 6th one.

I also really like the character of Eddie. He’s the wannabe science fiction writer. Something about the scene where he wraps himself up in streamers and says something about Mummies in space just cracked me up.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --3-- BLOOD/GORE --4-- NUDITY --3-- ENDING --1-- PLOT --1--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives (1986)

Buy it now!!

Part six of the series opens up with Tommy Jarvis and his friend/fellow crazy Allen driving out to the cemetery where Jason is buried. Jarvis is determined to put a stop to Jason once and for all by setting him on fire using some gasoline. After they dig up the coffin and open it, reveling a very decayed and maggot infested Jason in the process, Tommy does what any other person would do and grabs a metal pole out of the cemetery fence and stabs Jason a few times with it before stopping and leaving the pole sticking out of Jason’s chest….during a thunder storm. One of my favorite parts of dialog follows this.

Allen: Oh boy, he must have really messed you over.
Tommy: Yeah fuck you Jason.
Not sure why I love it so much, maybe it’s the fact someone says fuck you Jason, either way I just think it’s great stuff. As Tommy and Allen go to get the gasoline ready, lightning hits the pole and brings Jason back to life in a very Frankenstein way. Tommy throws the gasoline on an advancing Jason and then strikes a match, just in time for it to start raining. Jesus it must suck to live in a horror movie, just as you get the upper hand mother nature kicks you in the face.

Allen does attempt to end Jason’s life by hitting him over the head with a shovel, but this just pisses Jason off and he then puts his hand through Allen’s chest and rips out his heart. So 8 minutes and 16 seconds into the movie we already have a kill. All in all it’s a very cool scene to say the least. Tommy gets into his truck and drives off as Jason dons the mask that Tommy was nice enough to bring with him.

Overall the 6th movie was decent. It didn’t really do anything new and exciting for the series; it just stuck to the same old formula. It offered up plenty of gore, just as would be expected of a movie in the franchise. It does offer up the most “Jason” kills out of any of the movies up to this point, with the big man clocking in with 18 victims on his hands. All in all I would say it’s a movie worth picking up if you have seen the others in the series. It’s not one to watch more than a couple of times within a short amount of time however, as nothing that new or original happens in it. I almost fell asleep while watching this one again. But it’s very solid for what it is. The actors are believable, and I liked the cinematography. The big downside to this one is the lack of boobs. Now like I said I was really tired watching this one again, but not so tired I’m going to miss the fact I just watched a horror movie that had no boobs in it, everyone knows that’s the second most important part of a horror film next to the kills. I’ll still give it a 1 however because the girl that played Megan is really cute.

ACTING --4-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --4-- NUDITY --1-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --4-- TOTAL DEATHS --18--

OVERALL RATING --3.5--

Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning (1985)

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

As I mentioned before, Part 5 is one of the most memorable ones to me. If I had to rank them, Part 3 would probably be my favorite, then Part 5, then Part 4, with my least favorite being Part 8, since the idea of Jason in the city just seemed bogus to me, but I’ll get the honor of revisiting and reviewing it, and maybe even appreciate it later. Not that Part 5 is really better than Part 4, but it all boiled down to the time and place in which I viewed it.

Part 4 leads you believe that it was the end of Jason’s reign and finito to the Friday the 13th series, but realizing just how profitable this maniac was, a new one was released a year later. Now on it’s 4th director, Danny Steinmann, who also gave us The Unseen (1981) and Savage Streets (1984), Jason comes back with a different swagger and a blue striped hockey mask.

We pick up this time with an aged Tommy Jarvis, who’s still battling his demons over Jason Voorhees, and hanging out with the other loonies at the Pine Hurst mental facility, basically just a house in the woods with a couple of therapists. Much like Shelly from Part 3, fat-ass Joey (another white dude with a mini-fro), is an annoyance to everyone, and when he bugs temperamental Vic while chopping wood, he gets an axe in the back (a scene familiar to Don’t Look in the Basement). Within the first 26 minutes, we have five confirmed kills.

There’s really not a whole lot of character development in this one, yet so many people seemed familiar. Stuttering Jake reminds me of Duckie from Pretty in Pink, even though Part 5 predates it, Reggie’s brother, Demon, is a mix between Michael Jackson and Rick James (I’m Rick James Bitch!!), Pam looks like Ginny from Part 2, Violet is a clear reference to Blondie (and can break down a wicked robot), and Reggie looks like Little Red Riding Hood (and screams like a little girl when he sees the big bad wolf (Jason)).

After rewatching this, I think I may have figured out why I like this movie so much, it’s because of all the humor and the wide array of colorful characters. This was the first one that actually made me laugh, and Ethel and her retarded son, Junior, brought the most chuckles. This movie also hailed a couple of the most memorable kill scenes for me. When Jason wraps the strap around Eddie’s head, and then cranks it until it breaks, and when Ethel’s son is beheaded while erratically riding his motorcycle through the yard after getting his ass kicked by Tommy.

This movie will lead you to believe that it's possibly Tommy doing the killing (even though the size doesn't match up), but in the end, we find out that it’s Roy, Joey’s paramedic father, who after witnessing his slain son, puts his grief behind the mask with intent on massacring everyone. And, he does a good job of it until Reckless Reggie hits him with the front-end loader, he has a knife/chainsaw fight with Pam, and then he falls out off the barn window onto a bed of spikes with the help of Tommy. But, the last moments still leave open the possibility that Tommy may one day become Jason, or is it all just a bad dream?

So, Part 5: A New Beginning is clearly that, it’s a bit of a different direction for the franchise, but also a clear statement that they were in it for the long haul, eventually beating out every other killer in the genre in film count. And, out of all the other Friday films up to this point, it had the highest body count, totaling like 20, or one every 4.5 minutes, and also had the highest boob count, totaling 6, or 3 sets. I couldn't help but say, Damn, look at those fun bags, when Tina's donned the screen, and felt my lips pucker in a suckling motion.

As Smokeskrene pointed out, some may argue that it is not really a Friday the 13th film because it's misleading and wasn't actually Jason killing, well, I disagree, and think it's a fine addition in the series, and even though it's heavily flawed, and maybe even moreso than the others, it's still in my top 3, and very worthy of being in my collection.

So, if you are a TRUE fan of the series, you gotta pick it up. The reason I put the DVD link to the older release, rather than the reissue on June 16th, is because you can get the same content at a fraction of the price. And, if you don’t already own these movies, shame on you, and I highly recommend you buy the boxset which has Parts 1-8 and all the Killer extras. If you were wondering why you can’t get them ALL in one set in the U.S., it's because two different movie studios have the rights (Paramount and New Line), and neither want to sell. Screw making it easy for the fans when the all mighty dollar is at stake, but if done right, that would make a sweet collector's piece!!

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --3-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- NUDITY --3-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --3-- BODY COUNT --5--

OVERALL RATING --4--

FRIDAY THE 13TH THE FINAL CHAPTER

Buy it now!!

There are few movies that have the complete package. At this point in slasherdome, victims you actually cared about had been mising. Friday the 13th the Final Chapter abandoned the campsite for the summer party house and the single mother family by the lake. It was also the first movie of the series to have really great casting. I don’t think you can say enough about how well this movie comes together. Crispin Glover and the dead fuck joke is classic. Corey Feldman as the child with a monster fetish was a great casting decision. He wasn’t some little kid trying to play the role as the cutesy child you have to be scared for. He played it has the self reliant child who was just trying to look at out for his mom and sister. And you believe it. He even pulls off the ridiculous ending where he shaves his head and makes Jason stop being ruthless. The idea of that is one of the most absurd idea’s ever but it works with the right actor. I nominate this for the best of the series. In 3 Jason gets his mask and in 4 Jason finally gets some decent people to kill.

ACTING --4-- HUMOR --4-- BLOOD/GORE --4-- SCRIPT --2-- JASON BADASSNESS --10-- NUDE TWINS --5--

OVERALL RATING --4--

Friday the 13th Part 3 (1982)

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

Even though it had only been a year since we last left Camp Crystal Lake, Part 3 begins by revisiting the conclusion of Part 2. And, much like the SAW films are today, a new Friday the 13th was being churned out almost every year. Instead of Sean Cunningham helming the director's chair on this one, the torch is passed to Steve Miner, who also worked closely with him as director/producer on some of the others, and who went on to do House (1986), Halloween H20 (1998), Lake Placid (1999), and a slew of others not in the horror genre, including episodes of The Wonder Years.

Part 3 not only marked a new direction for Jason, but also for the franchise, having been shown in theatres in 3D. Never having seen it "enhanced," my curiosity got the best of me and I bought a copy of the “Uncut” 3D version, even though I already had two other copies of the 2D movie. Well, no matter what we did (I watched it with my friend Lukas and his wife Cassandra), it was clear that the red/blue cardboard 3D specs were very lame and dated, and our viewing experience wasn't enhanced whatsoever, but actually made worse. So, we finished it in 2D, and laughed at the scenes obviously intended for 3D.

So, Jason is still hellbent on revenge, and has discarded the burlap sack, grown in size, lost all his hair (damn middle-aged testosterone levels), and now wears a Dickie’s work outfit instead of a flannel. But, once again, we have the familiar scenario, kids heading off to Camp Crystal Lake for a summer of fun in the sun, sex, drugs, and rock & roll.

And, like Part 1, we have another jokester, Shelly this time (chubby white dude with an afro who reminded me of the annoying wheelchair dude in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre), who annoys the hell out of everyone, and you’ll be happy to see killed off later in the movie. We also have another cute redhead, well, strawberry-brown, named Chris, played by Dana Kimmell, and yet another weird old man, who carries an eyeball given to him by Jason?, and who continues to warn of what might happen by going to the lake.

So, once they somewhat settle in at camp, Shelly and Vera make a run to the local grocery store, but have a run-in with a few bikers (black dude Ali, black chick Fox, and white dude Loco), who try to flex their muscle. When leaving, Shelly accidentally runs into their bikes with the VW Bug, which moments later, takes an ass whooping by Ali’s chain (tough people carry those types of things ya know). But, Shelly’s tired of being pushed around, and he runs over Ali’s bike, thus setting the stage for another retaliation. So, the bikers head to the camp with intent of burning down the barn, but are pitch-forked and wrenched to death instead.

While the jock (Andy) and his girl (Debbie) make out in a hammock, Chris tells her ex-boyfriend, Rick, about her first brush with Jason. Shelly plays another trick, but on Vera this time, and this is the first time we see the infamous hockey mask. Not enthused, Vera goes off on him, and he walks away with his tail between his legs, but Jason returns to the scene with the hockey mask and harpoon gun in tow (THE MOST ICONIC SCENE IN THE FRANCHISE!!), and Vera gets a 3D arrow through the left eye.

Now, back to Andy and his girl, who have finished playing hide the salami. She decides to take a shower (boob scene), while he goes to get beers (walking on his hands), a clear set-up for a sweet kill scene. She returns to the hammock to relax, but he doesn't (isn't it obvious what happened?), and she's killed with a machete through the chest from below (yet another scene similar to Part 1). I guess I never really realized just how similar Part 1 and 3 are until now. Sure, I remember familiar scenes, but I had never watched them back to back, which made it very obvious. I know, and I call myself a big fan...but there's a difference bewteen a big fan and a film nerd. :)

Anyway, waking up after a long day of bonging, the stoner couple get the munchies and cook popcorn, but then the lights go out. Stoner dude is asked to check the breaker box in the basement (set-up kill scene #2, YES!) and gets electrocuted, but hey, this corrects the light problem. Well, Shelly, returns to the house with a bloody neck, which is perceived as another gag, but this time, it’s for real. Moments later, stoner chick takes a hot poker through the mid-section, and Jason carries off her body, possibly using it later to stage another “discovery” by an unsuspecting victim.

So, this leaves Rick (the Brave) and Chris, but Rick soon dies by a head crushing, and we witness a Lucio Fulci-esque 3D eye popping scene. As Chris struggles to save her life, she manages to escape, not once, but multiple times, and Jason takes a little bit of a beating, not only stabbed, but also hung from a pulley. But, this not-of-this-world killing machine still isn’t dead, and even gives her a Nan Nanny Boo Boo look when he briefly takes off the mask as to say, “Yeah, Bitch, I’m still here, remember me?” But Ali, the presumed dead black biker dude from earlier, reappears, only to get hacked up with a machete. Jason then turns around, and gets an axe to the head by the hands of Chris, forever scarring the iconic thing that has made him feared to this day (the mask).

So, once again, we end with Chris in a canoe on the lake (remember Alice from Part 1), but instead of Jason coming out of the water, he’s seen in the house from afar, still alive, and coming to get his prey. But then, Pam comes out of the lake to restake her claim instead. Yet another dream? Only Chris knows, as she’s hauled away hysterical in a police car, and Jason still lies dead in the barn.

Ya know, I've seen this movie many times, and it's always an enjoyable experience. I can only hope that the 3D in hi-def will be better than the crap I witnessed a few months ago (but I’m not holding my breath). It's a great marketing ploy, but 3D can only really be appreciated on the big screen (right now at least), and I can only imagine how crude the 3D VHS version was. But, that still doesn’t take away from my love for Jason, or this film, and he’s still a badass mofo, whether in 2D, 3D, virtual reality, 4D, or even in space (Jason X). So, three reviews down, but plenty more to go.

ACTING --3.5-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- NUDITY --1-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --4-- UNVEILING OF THE MASK --5--

OVERALL RATING --4--

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART II

Buy it now!!

Why doesn’t anyone listen to Crazy Ralph? Is his homeless demeanor or blatant alcoholism such that he just can’t be taken seriously? Or maybe its because we all know he was getting his jollies while peeping during the make out scene. I could give you a review of this movie, but instead I’m going to talk about something that bugs me. Some people say the first Friday the 13th doesn’t “count” because its not Jason. I’ve heard the same argument for 5. Some say that Jason goes to hell doesn’t count because it doesn’t follow the same formula as the others. Some say this one doesn’t fit in because he’s not wearing a hockey mask. To all of you nay sayers I say… SHUTTUP. These are all horrible movies. But horrible in the most entertaining of ways. Whether its skinny dipping scenes or a guy with a gunny sack on his head chasing wannabe counselors, these movies are made to be fun. So maybe Jason is just learning how to be a man monster and doesn’t have a hockey mask yet. He’s still ruthless and this makes me happy.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- SCRIPT --2-- ENJOYMENT --4-- JASON BADASSNESS --3--

OVERALL RATING --3--

Friday the 13th Part 1 (1980)

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

The year: 1958
The setting: Camp Crystal Lake

From the jump, Friday the 13th doesn’t pull any punches, as it sets the stage for all the films to come. Two camp counselors sneak off to make out, and within the first 4 minutes of film, we get the first kill, and what is believed another to follow, right before the opening title and score.

Now, jump to present day on Friday the 13th, where a girl is looking for camp Crystal Lake (aka Camp Blood) and is warned by the local loony, old man Ralph, that the place she seeks, “has a death curse…and she’ll never come back again.” Well, this rings true, because while she's hitch-hiking to camp, she’s picked up by a jeep, chased through the woods by the driver, and killed.

The other camp counselors, which include a young Kevin Bacon (Jack), and cute redhead Adrienne King (Alice), make their way to camp to help set up. It’s pretty clear that jokester, Neddy, will be one of the first to meet his demise, and he does as the #4 kill. Jack and his girl sneak off to a nearby cabin to do the nasty (boob scene), and when she leaves to take a pee, Jack gets an arrow through his chest/lower neck (from someone lurking under the mattress), and she takes an axe to the head while in the head (bathroom).

Brenda responds to what sounds like a little boy’s cry for help, and goes out in the rain only to get waxed on the archery range. That leaves the camp director, who’s offed within minutes, Alice, and Bill (the Brave). But, it isn’t long before Alice finds Bill dead too, so she barricades herself in her cabin.

She sees a jeep pull up and runs out for help, only to find that her “help” is the killer. If you ask the average Joe who was the killer in the first Friday the 13th, they’d probably say Jason, or the hockey mask guy, but they’d be dead wrong, since it was Jason’s mother, Pam Voorhees, played by TV veteran Betsy Palmer. See, Pam is still distraught and avenging her son’s death, who drowned years earlier while camp counselors weren’t watching. And, it’s pretty clear that Pam has went off the deep end too, as she somewhat assumes the roll of Jason, and even talks to herself in his voice.

But, all her attempts to take out Alice are thwarted, and in the final struggle, Pam’s head is lopped off with a machete. Then, the sympathetic music starts to roll, and we see that Alice has fallen asleep in a canoe while out on the lake. As she wakes, lil Jason comes out of the water and drags her in, but it’s only a dream, as she wakes up hysterical in the hospital and asks if the boy was found. And, the next lines set this up for the sequel:
Officer: “We didn’t find any boy…"
Alice: "Then he’s still there…”

Friday the 13th not only sets up the premise for it’s sequels, but also for many movies to follow. But, I had to wonder what movies might have inspired this one, and I couldn’t think up a single predecessor that had a similar plot. It’s a simple one, yes, but it hadn’t really been done before (that I’m aware of), and Smokeskrene believes the mother/son relationship was taken from Psycho.

After not having watched this for a couple years, it’s pretty tame by today’s standards, and even to it’s follow ups, but it’s still a great watch, and helped set in motion the long FX career of Tom Savini. Once this was released on Blu Ray, I knew I’d have to get it, even though my player is still sitting in the box awaiting it’s hi-def TV counterpart. But, while at the Fangoria convention in Chicago earlier this year, I was able to get it signed by Mr. Savini (as part of my ticket purchase), and I was going to have Ms. King sign it at Texas Frightmare Weekend in Dallas, but just couldn’t justify spending the 20 bucks. My loss, maybe, but I don’t pay for autographs for myself unless it’s a great deal, and preferably a bundle package.

Well, this officially starts the 13 Days of Friday the 13th. I encourage all fans to rewatch them all, and for those just getting on the Jason bandwagon with the new film, go review the originals and see how true FX were done with no CGI enhancements. Trust me, you’ll be in awe by how they pulled some of the things off.

ACTING --4-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- NUDITY --1-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --4-- MAKING OF A CLASSIC --4--

OVERALL RATING --3.5--

13 Days of Friday the 13th

So, the Side Show Reviewers have taken on the feat of attempting to review every Friday the 13th movie over the next 13 days, ending on June 16th with the remake/revisioning (Friday the 13th (2009)). Quite a task, yes, impossible, no, plausible, well ummm, we'll see.

All three of us have a fondness of Jason Voorhees, and I'd have to trace mine back my to when I was around 10-12 yrs old. I remember renting Part 5 with my buddy, Scott, who I was staying the night with. We ordered pizza, popped it in the VCR, turned off all the lights, and shut the door to his bedroom. While it was playing, I crept out to go to the bathroom, and when I sneakingly tried to come back in, he got scared and started yelling, "Mom, Kris is trying to scare me." It was some funny shit that still makes me chuckle today, and it definitely sparked "a new beginning" in my fanship of Mr. Voorhees.

But, it probably wasn't until after I started rewatching them over the years, that I realized just how deep my interest (obsession?) was. Out of all of the other slasher genre killers, Jason reigned supreme. Freddy was funny at best, Michael was okay, but got a little boring, and Leatherface was cool, but after TCM3, I questioned where this story was going. Maybe it was my fascination of the hockey mask and/or machette, maybe it was his relentlessness to avenge his mother's death, or simply the creativeness in his emotionless killings, whatever it was, I'm not completely sure, but it seemed like Jason couldn't be stopped and it had me hooked.

So, over the next 13 days (or so), Stalls, Smokeskrene, and I will run down all the films in this franchise. Some reviews may seem more thorough as we each have personal attachments to certain ones, but don't get us wrong, we all love Jason and will try not to disappoint, but do have blasted day jobs to attend to ya know!! So, enjoy the next 13 days of the most world-renowned killer....

(And don't be surprised if you see one or two non-Friday the 13th titles thrown in, since we really are trying to get more posts up, and I have a lot of apologizing to do for lapsed reviews.)