Shaolin & Wu Tang (1981)

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There’s nothing like ending the day with a good martial arts flick. And, when I say good martial arts, I mean pre-90’s, with no Jet Li, Jackie Chan, or Tony Jaa. Don’t get me wrong, Tony can be a badass, but it’s hit and miss (how long we been waiting for Ong Bak 2?), and Jackie and Jet are played out.

So, my choice for the evening was Shaolin & Wu Tang. Like others, my knowledge of both of these came from early 90’s rap music. Yeah, I loved the Wu Tang Clan. Not only were they “nuthin to fuck with,” but they breathed a breath of fresh air into the genre, which was dominated by gangsta rap (which I love too), but also accompanied by pro-black rap, party/corny rap, and conscious rap. Granted, I’d seen some Bruce Lee flicks prior to this, and even The Last Dragon (a classic), but Wu Tang opened up a whole new world of cinema for me, that being true martial arts movies filmed in their native land.

Now, I wouldn’t consider myself a hardcore martial arts fan, since after a while they start getting muddled and redundant, but I am a fan of several of the early Gordon Liu flicks (he’s featured in this one), some old Sonny Chiba, Bruce Lee for sure, and even some of the newer fantasy-style ones (Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Curse of the Golden Flower, Tsui Hark’s Vampire Hunters), but only a few really stand out in my memory (Born Invincible, Enter the Dragon), so that’s what I compare them to.

It’s pretty clear from the jump that Xenon Films didn’t spend any money remastering this. First of all, the film is grainy, the audio is shoddy, and it’s presented in fullscreen, which limits the picture (and action) and also cuts off most of the subtitles. But, to it’s credit, the film is dubbed. Not that I like dubbing, but if I can’t read the subtitles, then a dub track better be present. So, I watched this with both dubbing and subtitles, which was quite humorous, since neither really matched up.

So, basically, this movie is about the Shaolin (shadow boxing) vs. the Wu Tang (sword style), with Gordon Liu representing Shaolin. And, even though the two camps are cordial to one another, there’s still an unspoken rivalry between them, or merely an ideology of which style is more dominant, which the Lord (not Jesus Christ) wants to learn in order to be unstoppable. But, neither master are willing to give up the secret to their art, so the Lord poisons the Wu Tang master, blames it on the Shaolin, and Fung Wu (the master' s protégé), accidentally finishes him off with a sword (a plan devised by the master to take him out of his misery). And, since Fung’s unwilling to give up the secret too, he’s jailed for his master's death.

While there, he meets a woman who helps him out, and with the help of his friend, Gordon Liu, who infiltrates the prison guards, she nurses him back to health, learns both fighting styles, and is able to free him. But, after an outnumbered fight, Fung gets recaptured and re-incarcerated, Gordon’s sister gets killed, which is blamed on the Wu Tang, and so, Gordon seeks further training from the Shaolin monks in order to get revenge. Can’t you see where this is going?

In order for the Lord to reign supreme, he stages a fight between both camps, represented by Liu and Wu, in hopes that they will kill each other. But, his plan goes awry, as they use their skills (and each other’s) against him, while his sister (the chick from the jail who helped them) mediates the battle. In the end, Shaolin and Wu Tang are merley one in the same, and it’s a happy ending. Hoo-rah!

The greatest thing about this movie is that it is the original source for many of the quotes on Wu Tang Clan’s songs. Such as, “If what you say is true, the Shaolin and the Wu Tang could be dangerous…” But, despite the crummy audio and picture, this was still enjoyable, and during the ending credits, it was confirmed that this was sourced from a VHS (scrolling fuzzy lines like VHS does when it gets worn out). Come to think of it, I have a whole bag of old martial arts tapes like this packed away that I bought for $1 a piece. Maybe I should blow the dust off the old VCR and have a kung-fu movie madness, minus one David Carradine though (R.I.P. Grasshopper). I’ll ponder it, but I know my girlfriend won’t go for it.

Watch it, love it, hate it, I don’t really care, but don’t front on the Wu Tang Clan for making you curious about it.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --0-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --3-- ASS-KICKIN FUN --3--

OVERALL RATING --3--

Hell's Half Acre (2006)

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About a year ago, I requested this film for review, but was denied. I don’t remember why, but with a few more reviews under my belt, I felt confident enough to go after it again, and this time it paid off. What initially sparked my interest in this film is that it reminded me of other slashers (Jason, Michael, etc), and even though I knew it was a low budgeter, it showed potential, so I had to give it a chance.

When a movie starts out by pre-empting just how extreme it is, I find it not only humorous, but cautionary. It sets the stage for either a great campy ride, a big disappointment, or even utter disaster. For Hell’s Half Acre, this “warning” comes in the form of a public service announcement by Dawn Reed, the founder of WUCP (Wake Up Call for Parents), who calls it “the most filthy, disgusting, horror film.” After viewing it, she was so appalled that she started the organization in order to educate and warn others of it’s evil, and to get government involvement in better regulatory procedures.

This 7 minute PSA immediately screamed camp (Troma style), and although it got a little tedious, I knew that what to come shouldn't be taken too seriously. And, when boobs were thrown in within the first minute of the film, it was a good sign, but sadly, they were the only ones to appear.

The setting is Ennisburg, PA, where three dudes are looking for their missing friend, Val. They stumble upon her dead body in a shed, and believing the culprit is the property owner, Bob Moore, they bum rush his house, tie him and his kid up, douse them with gasoline, and set the house ablaze. (Insert humor) The street address of the Moore residence is 187 Valerie Lane, and the news station that covers the story is WKIL Channel 8.

Now, present day, it appears that Bob (or his son, Derek) has returned for vengeance on the entire town. Nicole and her boyfriend are sharing some quality time parking, but Skully (as I call him) appears, bashes in the truck's window with a sledgehammer, and then does the same to the boyfriend’s head. Nicole runs for help, tells the local P.D. what happened, which is taken lightly, and they promise to inspect the scene the next morning. (The next morning? What kind of cock-a-maymee law enforcers are these guys?) Her story checks out, and even though there's no body, it’s clear there was foul play. But, in the distance, the officers see Skully, and after a short struggle and a chase, he kills them.

People start getting plinked off, and Nicole, being one of the lone survivors and having nothing else to lose, goes after him. She's able to get in several shots and hacks, but ala Jason and Michael, he's only down for a minute before getting back up to continue his massacre. J&M moments are plentiful, like when he turns to give “the look,” or just stands there observing his prey (J&M were voyeurs too ya know). But, then my hopefulness is blown when he starts running after people. See, I’m old school, and fast moving slashers do nothing for me (that’s one thing I hated about the new Friday the 13th). It’s much more entertaining to see them walk, but still end up in the same place as their victims, who were running their asses off. An exception, but I'm sure there are others, is when Leatherface is chasing Sally (Marilyn Burns) at the end of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. For whatever reason, I can accept that he was running, even though it was clear that he was holding back since she was slower than molasses. And, zombies are just the opposite, they have to move fast in order to please me, definitely faster than George Romero’s undead slugs.

But, unlike J&M, Skully uses a whole gambit of murder weapons: a sledgehammer, machetes, shotguns, pistols, etc, and takes no shame in wiping out a whole church of people. In the final scene, we see Skully standing on the top of a building watching the city burn, much like in V for Vendetta, and I kept thinking that a much needed theme song in this instance would be Burn, Hollywood, Burn by Public Enemy and Ice Cube. Of course, this isn’t Hollywood, but you get the picture, and if you want to be picky, it wouldn’t be hard to replace the city names with current technology.

The one thing I didn’t quite understand was the ending. Either in an act of guilt (provoked by Nicole), his feeling of accomplishment (killing everyone including Nicole, who isn't really dead, but we'll roll with it), or a combination of both, Skully plummets himself off the building (ala Crow style) and gets impaled on a street sign. I mean, dude could disappear and reappear, so why did he have to kill himself? It’s almost like the director needed an ending, but wasn’t quite sure how to wrap it up, and thought, "Yeah, that would be a cool scene," but wasn’t sure how to fit it in, and even though it really didn’t fit the storyline, was like, "Screw it, let’s do it." Even after a 2nd viewing, I'm still puzzled.

But, in low budget films, you have do what works, settle for what you got, and make the best of your resources. One of the best scenes is when Skully barrels through the door, knocking it off the hinges, and it hits a chick in the face. After watching the special features, it's explained how it was totally unintentional, and actually resulted from a miscue, but hell, it made a great scene none the less. I also really liked when Skully bashed the truck window in, it seemed so real and natural, and at that point I was really rooting for him, that is, until I saw him running, GRRRR.

This is a movie I’d watch again, but probably with friends and beer. I'd like to thank Sean for sending me a copy, and hope another feature is in the works. Nice accompanying music by Spitshine.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- NUDITY --1-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --3-- TROMA-RIFIC --4--

OVERALL RATING --3--

Mindflesh (2008)

Warning: This trailer contains scenes of a mature nature, so only view if you are of age or have your parent’s permission. I cannot be held responsible for your deviant behaviors. :)

MindFlesh Trailer from ZenFilms on Vimeo.

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First, I have to apologize to Robert at Zen Films for not getting this review up sooner, but hey, it’s here now, and I’m man enough to take all the slanderous words he has to throw at me. But, in my defense, it’s coverbox has been my Facebook picture for the last months, so in essence, I haven't forgotten about it, just been busy, yet still offered subtle advertising in the meantime.

Mindflesh is a movie that’s true to it’s title. The lead actor, Chris, is played by Peter Bramhill, who's better known for his role in 1999’s Human Traffic. Chris is a cab driver who has flesh on his mind all the time, as he continues to see a near-naked chick, who disappears within minutes of her arrival. He becomes so obsessed, that he writes down his sightings of her, and maps them out on his wall at home. Problem is, after he sees her, he also has “encounters,” which are far less pleasing, and often even end in injury.

So, who is this mute chick that comes and goes with no rhyme or reason? It’s Carole Derrien from Nature Morte (2006). Is she real? Merely imagination? Hell, I don’t know, but I enjoyed her nakedness, and so does Chris once she decides to stick around for a while. But, the more time he spends with her, the more it effects him (and the people around him), like he’s opened a portal to hell.

Seeking answers, he goes to see a college professor who has written on the subject, but rather than offering much insight, he tells him to get rid of the bitch because she’s nothing but trouble. Unable to do so, things continue to happen, and we find out that his life as youngster has helped cause these events to happen, with flashbacks of Mummy’s verbal abuse, and a possible molestation.

In dream-like sequences, it’s pretty clear that some alien shit is going on here, or these people are experiencing some serious dementia. Either way, most of the scenes play out in Cronenbergian fashion, maybe even a little Lynchian, and will have you saying WTF? the whole way through. You'll even walk away from the ending scratching your head.

Clocking in at a mere 1 hour and 9 minutes, it’s definitely worth a watch. For pervs, Carole’s boobs will draw you in and keep you mezmerized, and for the obscure cinema watcher who doesn’t require a lot of explanation and likes weird shit going on, this should suffice. An alternative title for this could simply be Mindfuck, which other reviewers have used to describe it, but Robert has chosen a title that suits it well, doesn't disappoint, and is mainstream-friendly enough to spark the interest of all.

His previous film, London Voodoo (2004), which I own and liked when I viewed it a few years ago, is much more horror and gore oriented. (Note to self: watch London Voodoo again.) So, even though I'm a hardcore horror fan, it's nice to see him branch out into other (yet similar) genres. My only real beef with Mindflesh is that I wish subtitles were available, because with the thick British accents, I couldn’t make out some of the dialog, no matter how loud I turned up the TV. But, this is definitely a flick I’d watch again, and recommend to others. I'm also confident that much more is in store for Zen Films, and I really look forward to their next feature. Thanks again to Robert for sending me this for review. Again, I apologize that it’s taken so long to get it up (where was the Viagra when I needed it ;) ).

Most memorable quote (and a classic one in the making at that):
“Have you fucked anyone special recently? (Silence) Ah ha, congratulations, you’ve been fucking your own mind.”

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- NUDITY --4-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --3-- WTF?-NESS --3--

OVERALL RATING --3.5--

Spider Baby

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1964. I know Kfleet is not particularly fond of this era of horror. Spider Baby is, however, the kind of camp you always hear people raving about. Every now and then a star’s career is revived and people begin talking about some of their older work and this case that person is Sid Haig. (House of 1000 corpses/Devil’s Rejects.) A messenger arrives at a rundown mansion with word that long lost family members of the deceased owners are going to arrive. He is met by a girl who is playing “spider” who basically cuts off parts of the guys face. (Not graphically this is the 1960’s.) This is pretty much the vibe of the whole movie. Its sort of a guess who’s coming to dinner atmosphere like the beginning of House of 1000 corpses but its very PG. That being said all in all its entertaining but not good. It’s probably worth a watch. Unlike other horror films of the era its starting to get into slasher territory way ahead of its time. Probably only for people who have an affection for old twilight zones.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- SCRIPT --2-- CINEMATOGRAPHY --1-- DIRECTING --2--

OVERALL RATING --3--