Last House in the Woods (2007)

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Okay, so when I saw the trailer for Last House in the Woods, another entry in the Ghost House Underground series, it screamed Texas Chainsaw Massacre rip-off. Normally, that might steer some people away, but curious me, is always up to see another person/country’s (Italy) take on one of the greatest horror movies of all time. Heck, TCM is the first Blu Ray disc I bought, even before having Blu Ray player, which I do now, but it’s still sitting in the box awaiting it’s high-def TV counterpart, which I’m in no big rush to shell out the cash or credit for.

A family of three are driving home, when they hit glass in the road, and the car goes out of control and hits a tree. Mom and son seem fine, but father is either badly hurt, or dead. Mom runs out in the middle of the road to wave down a car, which hits her dead-on. The driver then stops, gets out, grabs a rock, bashes her head in, and then loads her up and drives away. Meanwhile, little Johnny witnesses it all while hiding in the nearby trees, but then runs to find help.

While Reno and his chick are relaxing on the side of the road after doing the deed, a couple of frat guys come along, beat him up, rob them, and attempt to have her give them oral gratification. Another car (Antonio and his wife) comes along, and Antonio pulls over, rescues the girl (Aurora), and then pulls out his gat and tells the frat boys to scat. Reno and Aurora are then taken to their house, and while Antonio tries to comfort her, his wife doctors Reno. But, just when Antonio makes his move on Aurora, his son, Giullo (pronounced Goolio), comes running around the corner. Immediately, you realize that something isn’t quite right with Giullo, because he appears to have fangs and a blood-like substance around his mouth.

Antonio goes to check on Reno, but then comes back with a syringe and some liquid sure to knock Aurora out. She makes a run for it, and finds Reno tied up in Giullo’s room. She jumps out the window, scales the front gate, and treks down the road in her Converse Cons, while Antonio drives after her. When she sees his car, she b-lines into the woods, and after hearing groaning and growling behind her, she makes tracks again. She stumbles across an RV, which appears to be a savior, but is inhabited by something you may have seen in The Hills Have Eyes, and are Antonio’s kin.

The frat guys run out of gas, and when they pull over, they hear screams and decide to investigate. Aurora is taken back to Antonio’s house, and the frat guys follow, only to pistol whip Antonio with his own gun, and then have their lives taken by “the family.”

The final scenes beg the viewer for compassion, but instead, made me think of After Dark’s movie The Hamiltons, and the little brother they kept locked up. The tie-in with the first of the film, is that the little boy (and his mother), were used as meals for the vampire son. This is where you’ll see one of the most ridiculous props used in a movie. The little boy is still alive, but his arms and legs are severed. Yeah, like I couldn’t tell the kid’s head was coming through the back of the prop and the body was a puppet. In the end, Giullo attacks his mom, and Aurora goes running away.

Really, the only similarities to TCM are a chainsaw and a cannibal family. Had they kept it to just the family of three, it might have been more entertaining, because once the mutants entered the picture, my interest lessened. But, the stand-out scene is where one of the frat guys pops the mutants second neck, a boil-like thing, and like an overdue festered pimple, it explodes all over his face. Quite distasteful, and maybe even puke-worthy for the squeamish, but reminiscent of scenes from Street Trash.

Sure, there are chicks in bras and panties, but even had real nudity been present, it still wouldn’t have saved this flick. One of the cheesiest lines I’ve heard is something to the effect of, “I want you to draw while we make love…” Yeah, like I want my girl to concentrate on something other than me trying to please her. Heck, if that’s the case, I’d have her washing dishes or cooking dinner while I boned her.

Many times, dubbing takes away from a film, and I often wonder how much better it would be reading subtitles. Granted, had this not been dubbed, it probably wouldn’t have made it any better, but I guess GHU thought that the general public would steer away from it, and others in the series, if they were presented in their original language. This just shows how stupid most American’s are when it comes to film watching, like the ones I deal with on a day-to-day basis when it comes to widescreen vs. fullscreen, but that's a whole other blog in itself.

I just have to ask, what’s happened to Italian horror? Once the melting pot of originality, exploitation, and erotica, has now been dumbed down to rehashes, regurgitations, and snoozy cinema. This is another crapper in the GHU series, and I only hope that at least one will be worthy enough to make it into my collection for future viewing, rather than watching, hating, and forgetting. Go pick up some Mario or Lamberto Bava, some Fulci, or Dario Argento instead.

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- SKIN/NUDITY --1-- ORIGINALITY --1-- MEMORABILITY --1--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Cannibal Doctor (1999)

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The reason I like William Hellfire is because of his creativeness, innovation, and ground breaking movies. No really, it's because he was the first to film young, innocent Misty Mundae naked. Yeah, usually his films are amateurish in all aspects, the acting, directing, and plot building are laughable, and there’s plenty of cheese, but never a shortage of nudity, hot chicks, and exploitation.

As part of the Kinky Cannibal (Cannibal Sacrifice) double feature from Alternative Cinema and Factory 2000, we have Cannibal Doctor (1999). Michelle (Misty) comes to see Dr. Ben Orange about a secretary position, and after a thorough examination of her driver’s license, a few personal questions, and a physical examination, she has the job. This is where Misty goes through a normal physical, her weight and blood pressure are taken, her legs and waist are massaged (checking circulation and bone structure), her shirt is lifted to check breathing, and her skirt is removed to further examine her waist, butt, and again her legs. Doc must have a leg fetish! This goes on for what seems like forever, and I had to fast-forward a bit. The whole time, Michelle is nervous, uncomfortable, and oblivious to what may come next.

He then takes her measurements, has her do knee bends, and then asks her to touch her toes, while he stands behind her, admiring the view, and massaging her breasts. He then asks her to sit on the table, while he steps in the next room, fills a syringe, and returns and sticks her with it. This puts her in a very relaxed state where he can examine her further, first by removing more clothing, then massaging her feet, and just when he's about to make it to her honey pot, his wife, Dr. Margaret (Tina Krause), busts in, shooes him out, and makes her get dressed.

She then leads drunken Misty to another room, disrobes her (all but her panties), and lays her on a bed. She runs an electric massager up and down her body, removes her drawers, and then pours baby oil on her and rubs it in. Meanwhile, Mr. Orange watches through a window in the door, while Misty’s hairy muff steals the scene. He then re-enter the room to set up the equipment, but quickly exits. Mrs. Orange ties her to the bed, gives the signal, and the machine is turned on to cook her. Misty struggles and screams, but the result is a cannibal meal fit for two.

Mr. Orange offers his wife an after dinner drink, which must have had the same concoction in it as the syringe, because it knocks her out. He then takes her to “the room,” strips her naked (all but the panties), ties her to the bed, and then cooks her too, along with Michelle’s brain. This causes the two to fuse, and his wife becomes his new secretary. Thus, another Bill Hellfire film complete.

I have a couple of groans about this movie. One, a plot oh too familiar to Torture in Satan’s Rape Clinic (see my review), too many drawn out scenes, and an ending that wreaks of Hellfire genius, or should I say, stupidity? I’ve praised Big Will before, because I do think he was ahead of his time in certain aspects and did try to revive that 70’s grindhouse feel, not to mention spawning the career of the iconic Misty Mundae, but too many times, his stories lack depth, atmosphere, and creativity, and the only reason one would watch them, me included, is because of Misty (and the other ladies). So, Will, kudos to you for convincing these ladies to get naked on film, and allowing us to enjoy them too.

The next feature in the set is Dinner For Two (2000), which I will review at a later date, since I have to take his films in stride. For die hard fans of Misty, this is a must-have DVD, but keep the remote handy, like in your other hand, so you can quickly get to the parts you want, without wasting time on the rest.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --0-- NUDITY --3-- MISTY’S ACTING --3-- GUILTY PLEASURE --3--

OVERALL RATING --2.5--

No Man's Land: The Rise of Reeker (2007) aka Reeker 2

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So, you may have heard the hype over Ghost House Underground’s 8 films, which are similar to After Dark Horrorfest’s 8 Films to Die For, and also distributed by Lionsgate, but without theatrical support. I had high hopes for these films, knowing that there would be a few duds, and there were. Brotherhood of Blood sucked, Sid Haig and Ken Foree with fake fangs—stupid!, The Substitute is Denmark’s take on The Faculty, with very little variation, and Dark Floors features Horror Metal group Lordi, which seemed like an extension of their videos. None of these impressed me, and after reviewing trailers for the others, I decided to pass on Room 205, at least for now, and zone in on the other 4, starting with No Man’s Land: The Rise of Reeker.

This you saw in the trailer, but our story begins with a bald dude, who kind of looks like Powder with glasses and hat, driving on a desert road. He stops to pick up a drifter, and while chatting, a comment is made about the Death Valley Drifter, so seeming unsure of his initial intent, he leaves the guy hanging and drives away. About a block up, he stops and decides to back up, but not to let the guy in, but to run him over. With his half-mangled body on the pavement, he then drives forward, stops his front tire on his chest, and then takes his tongue as a souvenir. It just so happens that when he drives past a motorcycle cop, his hubcap, drenched in blood, goes rolling off it’s wheel. So, Johnny Law follows him to his carcass shack and attempts to arrest him, but after cuffing him, and then going back outside to get a breath of fresh air (from the smell of rotting body parts), he comes back in to see that he’s sawed off his hand (still in the cuff) and is nowhere to be seen. But, Kojak lets Mr. Deputy take him in, and after some psychoanalysis, where he claims he hears voices, he’s taken to the gas chamber.

Apparently, the gas chamber acted as teleporter, because Powder is transported back to his dwelling. Now, 30 years later, he resurfaces, but not before there’s a shoot out between two casino robbers and the sheriff, an explosion, and a fake hostage situation. There’s also some kind of invisible barrier that keeps them from getting out, and so The Reeker continues to dismember bodies in his shack, plinking them off one by one. One thing’s for sure, when you smell the funk, something’s about to go down.

Of course, the story ends setting it up for another one, which could be the Reeker, since this could act as a prequel, or No Man's Land 2: The Fall of Reeker aka Reeker 3. Some ridiculous CGI took away from this flick, but with a few moments of humor, like when a plastic bag is placed over a guys head wound, or should I say, the top of his head and nose were gone, and when the cop tries to get through the barrier, and takes a running start and barrels into it, only to fall to the ground in failure, and when the lower half of a guy's body goes running away from a motel room. These were the highlights of the film, since the kill and gore scenes weren’t great, there was no nudity, and the character development was neither interesting, nor necessary.

There were several unexplained and far-fetched things too, like why would you put your hand in an overflowing toilet full of bloody water, or why would you plunge into a pool of poopy water, unless maybe your life depended on it, or why would some old dude in a hospital gown be hanging out at a desert-side motel? I just had to say WTF, yeah right, and NFW (out loud) when I saw this.

If you liked the Reeker, and were dying to tie up the loose ends, this is an okay feature, and is about as entertaining as the first, that is, minus one blind dude (who played in My So-Called Life). But, if you prefer a movie that doesn't seem to cater to a tween crowd, esp. with the ending, try your luck at Dance of the Dead, Last House in the Woods, or Trackman.

ACTING --2.5-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --3-- NUDITY --0-- CGI --2-- REEK-ER-RIFIC --2--

OVERALL RATING --2.5--

Bryan Loves You (2007)

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Bryan Loves You begins with a foreword by Tony (Candyman) Todd who warns us about the brutal scenes to follow. What we see next is a somewhat odd scene where everyone in a classroom, except the teacher (Linda), puts on the same mask while the Pledge of Allegiance plays across the PA. A fire alarm then goes off, and while all the students are vacating, one of them bites the teacher on the arm.

Nicole and Jonathan, friends of Linda, go to her house to see what’s up, and find that something just doesn’t seem right, including a videotape of Linda playing on the TV. Linda, hiding in the shadows, then charges them, and Nicole knocks her in the head with a fireplace poker, accidentally killing her. We also see camcorder footage where Jonathan and friends are being interviewed, but their names and addresses are bleeped out. I’m guessing it was done to supposedly protect the innocent, but the more bleeps I heard, the more annoying it got, and I wanted to kick the shit out of the TV.

To help validate their suspicion, Jonathan attends the wake for Linda, held by the The Bryans, while Nicole waits outside recording any dialog that might take place. Some of the cult members find her, abduct her, and then later convert her. And, Jonathan is tricked into going to the mental institution, where instead of interviewing someone, is committed and locked up, supposedly under his mother's orders. But, after a short stint, he's broken out by a guy he’d met earlier, one of the few to evade the cult's influences. Their plan is to leave town, but Jonathan first wants to tell Nicole goodbye, and when he knocks on her door, the movie ends.

My first thought was WTF? To be honest, no matter how shotty this film was, I felt slighted. There were already so many things that were unanswered, and even with a ridiculous performance by George Wendt (Norm from Cheers), and cameos from Tiffany Shepis and Brinke Stevens, it left me scratching my head in disbelief. Granted, I haven’t lost any sleep over it, but wanted to punch the director in the face for ending it the way he did. It’s not like there will be a Bryan Loves You 2 to help explain the loose ends, and even if there was, who would watch it? So, don’t waste your time on this piece of crap, and if I were Todd Terry, I’d be ashamed to attach my name to it.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --0--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Five Across the Eyes (2006)

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Five girls do a hit and run in a parking lot. The driver of the hit vehicle catches up with them, and by gunpoint, makes them strip. She goes further by having one of them pee on her clothes, and then she takes the keys to their truck and leaves.

Traumatized by the event, the girls try to gain their composure and use the spare key to head home. Up the road, they run into her again, and are chased. Trying to deter her, they throw items out of the window, including a handful of crap, which hits the windshield, obstructs her vision, and she has to pull over. The girls stop too to see what happens, and when the crazy chick bum rushes the truck, they hit her, and then push her car into the nearby trees. But, like the energizer bunny, this bitch keeps coming back to terrorize and inflict pain and death. In the end, the girls (that are left) gang up on her, repeatedly stab her, and then set her on fire.

I walked away from this not knowing if I liked it, hated it, or was merely indifferent. One thing I can say is that there was over an hour of crying and screaming teenage girls which wore on me early on. There wasn’t any nudity, but glimpses of flesh that might satisfy any perv with a little imagination. The acting was so-so, the picture quality kept going from descent to camcorder quality, and the few scenes that seemed to be thrown in for mere exploitation, didn’t really add anything to the story. This film didn’t really add anything new to the genre either, but was decent enough to hold my attention. Then again, maybe that's just because I kept trying to figure out what hell the girls kept screaming about. If you like films that borderline kiddie softcore, a better film to watch is Don’t Deliver Us From Evil from Mondo Macabro. And, after feeling a little guilt, pop in Salo: 120 days of Sodom to top it off.

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --2-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- NUDITY --1--

OVERALL RATING --2--