Jan 29, 2010

Ellen Page, Whip It, and maybe a bit more



Why do I like Ellen Page? Hmmm…she’s cute, has a mysterious and somewhat sexy allure, is funny, a good actress, and all but her role in Hard Candy, I enjoy watching her perform. So, even though I rarely review mainstream stuff, Whip It made it’s way into my player and I felt compelled to talk about it.

I won’t bore you with a lot of the details, a trailer, or even an official rating, since this is simply just Hollywood’s lame version of the greatest female sport ever played, but Ellen plays a rebellious teen who finds passion in Roller Derby (something her parents would be totally against), and although she's only 17 years old, she excels in it, becomes a league leader, and even a poster child for the sport. She also falls in love (and is burnt), swims in her bra and panties (woo hoo), hangs her best friend out to dry, finally sticks up for what she believes in, and in the end, it all works out for the best…the perfect Hollywood ending.

But, this movie isn’t anything great, and even with the sarcasm and crude humor of Jimmy Fallon (for those who are fans), performances by Drew Barrymore (her directorial debut), Eve, Juliette Lewis, the Star-bellied Sneetch helmets, and Juno-esque moments, I still walked away empty.


And, I’m not quite sure why, but Ellen never really seems to fit into the whole roller chick shtick. Then again, neither does Juliette Lewis, but as most other Hollywood adaptations, there’s always that sense of unrealism, even with the greatest actor/actresses of the day. And, I haven’t had a chance to see a live roller derby match, but something tells me it would be just as hokey as watching a live wrestling match: staged hits, falls, and nothing but hype. Then again, that's what makes them so popular, right, the anicipation of what might happen if someone misses their cue or really goes off the deep end...

So, why do I like Ellen Page? It’s because she’s cute, has a mysterious and somewhat sexy allure, is funny, a good actress, and all but her role in Hard Candy, I enjoy watching her performances. But, I can’t really say I enjoyed her much in this one either, and although I fixated all my attention on her (maybe that was the problem), it just seemed like a lamely told story. So, I can’t really fault her for shitty writing, or can I? My recommendation after watching this is to pop in Juno, Never Been Kissed, and Natural Born Killers (in that order), a nice trifecta to top off the evening, then forget you ever watched Whip It.

Rating: 2 out of 5 Side Show Freaks, and I’m sure this is what Ellen thinks of it. Cute, yet so hostile.

Jan 20, 2010

Taintlight (2008)


If you’re a sucker, buy it now at Amazon.com!!

Any movie that makes fun of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight Saga, I’m down to see, since they're way over-hyped, made strictly for teen girls, and offer me nothing but a little eye candy at best. Now, I haven’t seen New Moon, but will when it hits DVD (just to say I have), and am not expecting anything epic in my viewing experience. So, since I like spoofs, the latest movie to hit my DVD player was Taintlight, from Splatter Rampage/Tempe Video. This is the same studio that brought us Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker, Townies, and Filthy McNasty, which I own. If you haven't seen or heard of them, then maybe you need to remove your head from Hollywood's ass, because there are a slew of indie films out there that are more enjoyable.

This feature intends to be 123% camp, but failed to entertain me, and about halfway through, I started doing other things, like browsing the web for porn. So, here's the lame premise: Stella goes to stay with her father after her mom commits suicide, and she finds comfort in her friend, Jack...that is, until Edgar Mullen comes into the picture. So, Edgar takes a liking to Stella and weird shit starts to happen. We get the death of a drunken mime, loads of overzealous facial expressions, her father’s perversions (incest included), poop and fart jokes, a Michael Jackson-esque werewolf, and Razor McBleed's death by the hands of Edgar and a frisbee. And, to poke further fun, when Edgar goes into the sunlight, he doesn’t sparkle, but gets a boner, and bubbles release from his crotch. Hee hee, ha ha, nope, it wasn't the least bit funny.

Even though this film clocks in at a mere 60 minutes and some change, it felt much longer, and I may have even lost a few brain cells by watching it. I didn't even find it to be Troma-riffic, so maybe I’ve just gotten too old and sophisticated to watch crap like this...Naw, that can't be, since I still giggle like a little girl when watching others with similar stupidity. So, I'll just have to blame it on the delivery, and even though someone found it funny enough to front the money, this is still garbage in my book. Yeah, yeah, I understand it’s niche viewing, and maybe a six pack would have helped, but I would venture to say that this was worse than a Bill Zebub flick. Oh yeah, I said it, and you can read my review for The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made here.

But, Taintlight did have a couple of somewhat memorable lines, even though they were one-gigglers at best:
Edgar says to Stella: “Do you beat up your vagina when you get turned on?”
And, as Stella wakes up to see her dad jerkin his gerkin over her bed, he says, “I must be sleep jacking again….”

The original working title for this was Twatlight, which is obviously hard to market outside of the porno realm, but had it squeaked through under that name, it would have only meant even more disappointed viewers. And, with Twilight's popularity, it's only natural for the porn industry to take a stab at it, as they have many others (XXX-Files, The Exxxorcist, Not the Bradys, and This Ain't Good Times to name a few), but fangs + BJs = OUCH!!



In place of Taintlight, re-watch any of the Scary Movie films, since the Wayans Brothers and Leslie Nielsen almost always bring a laugh.

ACTING --1-- HUMOR --1--
BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --0--
WOULD STEPHANIE APPROVE? --NO-- WOULD TROMA APPROVE? --NO--
OVERALL RATING

--1--

Jan 12, 2010

Bad Girls Dormitory (1984)

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

I’m by no means an expert on Women in Prison movies, nor a big fan of the genre, but I have seen quite a few from around the world (probably just for the fact that naked women are guaranteed). So, since Bad Girls Dormitory sounded like a promising title, I took the gamble from Netflix. It’s shot in New York, is straight up 80’s, quite laughable (even though I didn't chuckle), and one of the lamest I’ve seen. These movies pretty much all follow the same formula: naked women trying to escape, suppressed lesbian love, a wicked warden, and corrupt guards. Even with tons of nudity and titillation (crotchillation too), I wasn’t the slightest bit aroused or amused. Had I seen it in my early teens when my libido was running rampant, the outcome may have been different, but there wasn't a single thing I could even consider a guilty pleasure. The only things I did enjoy were the soundtrack, and a couple of kill scenes (a shotgun blow to the crotch, and a piano wire strangulation).

Bad acting and dialog, mediocre looking women, an Ilsa-esque warden, lame catfights, and a whole lot of crapola plague this feature. The editing is horrible, often jumping to scenes that make no sense in the flow of events, and it almost looks like it was made as a Skinemax after dark flick. I like cheese, when it's done right (and there is a fine line), but it seems like it tried too hard to play out the stereotypes of the genre, yet encompass elements of other movies that were popular of the time, like The Warriors.

Something I found interesting (thanks to the inside sleeve) is that the director, Tim Kincaid, also directs porn under the name Joe Gage. So, it’s really no surprise that the storyline lacked substance, and the editing and camera angles were shoddy and simple. And sadly, as one would expect from a man of his expertise, there’s not even a money shot (blasphemous, I know), unless you consider those the multiple crotch close-ups, which sadly, were clothed. But, all of his film credits in the new millenium are for gay porn, so something steered him away from Women in Prison (probably a good thing), and back into men who have risen (hee hee).


Maybe I'm being a bit too nit-picky, but I don’t have a vast knowledge of 80’s b-erotica to compare it to. I just know if it doesn’t give me the childish butterflies of awe (and a tingle in my pants), like when I used to sneak into my dads room to view his nudie mags, then maybe I don’t have the capacity to appreciate it. A sidenote: While writing this review, Police Academy (in HD no less) was on TV, so I just had to watch it, even though it was edited. It's one of those movies that no matter how many times I've seen it, it just makes the years melt away. Maybe it's pre-Sex in the City Kim Cattrall (also in Porky's and Mannequin, two more of my faves), the antics of Steve Guttenberg, or sound effects maestro Michael Winslow that does it, but this movie just entertains the heck out of me and makes me giggle. But, Bad Girls Dormitory is just bad, so steer your efforts elsewhere. I suggest Frankenhooker, another movie featuring BGD's Jennifer Delora, which does have a lot of cheese, but is way more enjoyable. I do wonder, though, if Breeders (1986) (also Tim's film) is any better. I think it sits in my shelf with an inch of dust, so maybe I need to watch it, just to see if he can re-gain some credibility. But, I won't be watching Chainsaw, that's for sure!

ACTING --1-- HUMOR --1--
BLOOD/GORE --2-- NUDITY --3--
WOMEN IN CAGE-ERIFFIC --0-- DIRECTING --1--
OVERALL RATING

--1.5--

Jan 6, 2010

Is Warner Brothers' the Devil?


The holidays were a little brutal, so I got behind on video business news, but just read on Mya Communications blog, that in December, ADA (Alternative Distribution Alliance) was merged into WEA distribution, another facet of Warner Brothers' Entertainment.

If you remember earlier in the year, Ryko Distribution was absorbed into ADA (read here), and I lost a great partner, Tony, due to that. Well, Tony kindly gave my info to Jay at ADA (who I guess just got disposed of during the recent merger), and he passed me onto Kim. Kim's a great guy, lives in Washington, is an Aussie (a nod to my bro), and has sent me many promos in the short time I've known him, including my first Blue Underground Blu Ray, The New York Ripper, which I still need to watch. Luckily, he will keep his job, but will be handling Amazon's account, and I will be passed onto someone else, who I can only hope will be as generous. The industry I love is ever so changing, and I have yet to determine if it's for the better. I guess as long as the releases keep coming, then that's what matters, but I often wonder what my own future and career aspirations hold as consolidations and downsizing are common place.

I know it's all about business, but Ryko/ADA have the top indie releases, and if they shutter, or continue to get stong-armed by "The Man," we can kiss any future releases and lost gems from the Italian and Spanish greats goodbye. Since it all boils down to money, it's our job as horror, erotica, and weird cinema fanatics to keep the dream alive by buying and supporting releases from Severin, Blue Underground, Mya, Mondo Macabro, Troma, etc. So, come on fans and fellow bloggers, we can't let The Devil overtake us (even as fun as it may sound to some).

Coming in January:
From Mya Communications-
Desirable Teacher
Sex Advice
Hunchback of the Morgue
Lady Medic
Blade of the Ripper
Human Cobras
Cricket

From Scorpion Releasing-
Goodbye Gemini
Doctor Death

From Troma, Impulse, Liberation, and Blue Underground-
Troma S War
Toolbox Murders (Blu Ray)
Schoolgirl Report 6
House on Sorority Row

February:
The Alcove
Poultrygeist (Blu Ray)
Schoolgirl Hitchhikers
I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle
The Crazies (Blu Ray)
Taxi Driver
Car Cemetery
The Fiend
and many more...