This feature intends to be 123% camp, but failed to entertain me, and about halfway through, I started doing other things, like browsing the web for porn. So, here's the lame premise: Stella goes to stay with her father after her mom commits suicide, and she finds comfort in her friend, Jack...that is, until Edgar Mullen comes into the picture. So, Edgar takes a liking to Stella and weird shit starts to happen. We get the death of a drunken mime, loads of overzealous facial expressions, her father’s perversions (incest included), poop and fart jokes, a Michael Jackson-esque werewolf, and Razor McBleed's death by the hands of Edgar and a frisbee. And, to poke further fun, when Edgar goes into the sunlight, he doesn’t sparkle, but gets a boner, and bubbles release from his crotch. Hee hee, ha ha, nope, it wasn't the least bit funny.
Even though this film clocks in at a mere 60 minutes and some change, it felt much longer, and I may have even lost a few brain cells by watching it. I didn't even find it to be Troma-riffic, so maybe I’ve just gotten too old and sophisticated to watch crap like this...Naw, that can't be, since I still giggle like a little girl when watching others with similar stupidity. So, I'll just have to blame it on the delivery, and even though someone found it funny enough to front the money, this is still garbage in my book. Yeah, yeah, I understand it’s niche viewing, and maybe a six pack would have helped, but I would venture to say that this was worse than a Bill Zebub flick. Oh yeah, I said it, and you can read my review for The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made here.
But, Taintlight did have a couple of somewhat memorable lines, even though they were one-gigglers at best:
Edgar says to Stella: “Do you beat up your vagina when you get turned on?”
And, as Stella wakes up to see her dad jerkin his gerkin over her bed, he says, “I must be sleep jacking again….”
The original working title for this was Twatlight, which is obviously hard to market outside of the porno realm, but had it squeaked through under that name, it would have only meant even more disappointed viewers. And, with Twilight's popularity, it's only natural for the porn industry to take a stab at it, as they have many others (XXX-Files, The Exxxorcist, Not the Bradys, and This Ain't Good Times to name a few), but fangs + BJs = OUCH!!
In place of Taintlight, re-watch any of the Scary Movie films, since the Wayans Brothers and Leslie Nielsen almost always bring a laugh.
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OVERALL RATING--1-- |
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