The camera starts out on the grimy streets of Manhattan, but we’re quickly taken to Camp Crystal Lake where a couple of teens have snuck off on a boat to make out on the lake. Unbeknownst to them, Jason lies chained and dead below (covered in lake sludge), but is brought back to life when the boat anchor pierces an underwater power line. WTF? The lightning rod from Part 6 was a little far-fetched, but still more believable than resurrection by mind power (Part 7), or by a fluke electrical incident. But, Jason’s alive and kicking once again, takes a couple of lives, and then floats on the boat where he catches a cruise-liner full of freshly graduated teens. Jason needs a vacation too ya know.
So, rather than drink a Mai Tai and kick back and relax, Jason does what he knows best, KILL. All but five people get whacked, including the captain, and once they realize the ship can’t be saved, they hop on the rescue boat, a scene somewhat reminiscent from Titanic, but instead of Leonardo DeCaprio’s sad demise, the teens and their chaperones manage to make it to Lady Liberty. But, so does Jason, whose swimming abilities have improved since he was a kid.
So, with Jason now in the crowded city, he aims to clean up the streets, the subway (where he has a near-death scene by electrocution), and the sewer system, where the nightly toxic waste dumpage gets the best of him, and melts off his already deformed face.
This movie was a disaster, and even with the return of Kane Hodder as Jason, it was still a waste of time. Some would say Kane was the best Jason, the one that gave him personality, but that definitely wasn’t the case in this film. I also read that people were really pissed off after they saw Part 5 because it wasn't really Jason killing, shit, I’d have requested my money back if I paid to see this on the big screen. Even the director, Rob Hedden, doesn’t have a single worthy credit to his name, and this plays out like another film riding on the franchise's jock. Plus, that lame ass trailer says a lot too.
There wasn’t even a single kill that I felt good about. Death by guitar, death by hot sauna rock, death by mirror shard, how f-ing snoozy. And, the fact that young Jason continues to appear, both deformed and not, is ridiculous. The coolest character, but coolest in the lowest sense, is the all-wise deckhand who warns that “Jason has returned” and “death is near” numerous times.
After 25 minutes, I was ready to turn it off, at 54 minutes, I wanted to burn it, and at the end, I realized I just wasted and hour and a half of time that I could've been watching Sanford and Son reruns. Jeez, the sacrifices I make for the Side Show Review fans…
This film did have familiar faces, though, like TV veterans Peter Mark Richmond and Warren Munson, who you probably wouldn’t know by name, but by face, and you probably couldn’t name a single thing you’ve seen them in, even though their credits are vast. And, lead teen cuties Scott Reeves and Jensen Daggett pretty much stayed on the TV circuit after this film too.
This movie was garbage, and possibly the saddest entry into the series, and with only one boob and two bare butt scenes, my interest kept was minimal. Even with 17 kills, when there's a lack of blood and gore, you have to offset that with naked people (preferably women), and humor, that’s just how it is. But, if you have a lame story, crummy acting, ridiculous kills, minimal blood and gore, little to no skin, and almost no humor, then your film is bound to suck, no matter if you have Kane Hodder (or anyone else at that) donning Jason's mask. Shame on whoever wrote this piece of crap and tried to pawn it off as a Friday the 13th film. I know new ideas are hard to come by, but I’d have much rather seen old regurgitated stuff, than a far-fetched idea that sucked. Shit, "Jason plays poker," or "Jason takes a crap in the woods" would have been much more entertaining.
Smokeskrene believes that this film deserves at least a 3, if for no other reason than it having Kane Hodder, but I can’t be that generous. "Jason On A Boat" is not only off the charts on the Stink-O-Meter, but I kept waiting for T-Pain and Lonely Island to jump out and start singing, “I’m on a Boat, look at me (Pam), I’m on a motherf-in boat!” And then Jason breaks out into some footwork or the robot. Hee hee, that would be a great SNL or Robot Chicken skit.
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OVERALL RATING--a very generous 2-- |
1 comment:
Funny thing, I was re-reading my review from the movie The Stitcher from a year ago and this is what I wrote:
"For those that just can’t seem to get enough of Friday the 13th rip-offs, but want something less dated, try After Dark Film’s Lake Dead. Otherwise, do yourself a favor and watch Madman or anything with Jason Voorhees before he took Manhattan."
Ha ha, I remembered how much it sucked then, without ever even watching it all the way through.
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