Porno (2010)

Buy it now at Amazon.com!!

Porno, released by Synapse Films, is a three part compilation of erotic stories continuing their Classic Latin Erotica Collection series, along with Violence and Flesh and Chick's Ability. Unfortunatley, there isn’t a lot of substance to this entry, but a few lines noting the highlights may peak your interest.

Part 1: This is probably the most erotic of the three, and is about a virgin girl who fancies other females, only to be deceived by a non-virgin. After a successful seduction and sexual interlude, she believes she’s about to pop another virgin’s cherry with her mom’s vibrator, but disappointingly finds out that her seductee’s hymen has already been claimed by someone else (a male).

Part 2: A thick, Latina chick wants to have no-questions asked sex with her male cohort, but to her surprise, she's unable to get a rise out of him because he's waiting until the right moment. What??? That's normally a chick move, but after a shower (shower curtain left open of course), and a wardrobe change (into a nun outfit), they get down. Just to make it clear, it's her wearing the nun outifit, but had it been the other way around, it could have put an interesting spin on the story.

Part 3: It’s easy to sum up this entry with: a blind woman, mirrors, a maid onlooker, a jealous lover, and Bugsploitation. Along with sex, this is the horror-themed story of the bunch, where broken shards of glass further blind our supposedly already blind lead actress, and her revenge on her lover, Marcos. While there isn’t much eroticity to this, and the horror element is laughable, the memorable moments are when the old maid watches them having sex in disgust, yet continues to watch, and when Marcos spices up the bedroom with bug play. The result? Once you go grasshopper, you never go back.

While there are some decent looking Latinas, male and female full-frontal, (yes, your lady gets a treat too!), and several scenes of simulated sex, this is a fairly forgettable and dated feature. So, I say, stick with the Schoolgirl Report series (Volume 7 just released), also available from Synapse/Impulse Films. Sure, the Spanish language may be more sexually pleasing to the ear, but the Germans know how to put it down. Nazisploitation and Ilsa She Wolf of the SS anyone? Oh yeah!!

ACTING --2-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --1-- NUDITY --3-- CHUBB-ERIFIC --2-- HEY MACARENA --5--

OVERALL RATING --2--

Slave (2009)

Opening with a dead chick lying topless on the beach, Slave starts off with a bang, and builds anticipation of what's to happen next. While there are moments of perversion and boobage, the end result is rather blah, and we're left with a void from what the opening scene created. Essentially, this film is about a man’s attempt to start a committed life of marriage, but it gets overshadowed by his childhood baggage (a broken home and absent, reckless father), and the trip that would not soon be forgotten.

Before tying the knot, David and Georgie decide to visit his now wealthy dad in order to make it official. But, instead of being there with open arms, he isn’t home, so they get taxied around by his personal chauffeur, and decide to hit the town. At a club, Georgie decides to better their chance of getting in by name dropping (This is the son of ...), in which they get preferential treatment from the manager, are immediately seated, slipped some complementary pills to help set the night's mood, and are bid a happy evening. This is where the downward spiral begins…

While his woman is sweating the night away on the dance floor, he makes a b-line for the pisser, but upon return, she’s gone, and everyone plays dumb as to where she’s at, or that she even existed. Was she was kidnapped? Did she fancy another dude and leave with him? Did she melt into a puddle like Frosty? It’s time to shake some people down and try to find out what happened. But, doesn’t this always happen to newcomers in a foreign land? Hello? Hostel anyone?

Indeed, she has been kidnapped, and by a psychotic Russian dude who preaches Muslim gibberish. Lucky her, she was chosen to be a part of his doped up harem of love slaves (and sacrificial lambs). And, is it any surprise that daddy dearest is involved in this whole thing? So, with the help of a friend, well, fellow victim because of his sister's kidnapping, David and company travel to the yacht where Georgie and sis are being held. Once aboard, they bust in like Scarface (Say hello to my lil friend!) and blast everything in sight.

Not so much like this...
...but more like this.
The end result is:

1) Lots of dead people.

2) David thinks he sees his dad boning Georgie, so he tries to shoot him, but the gun is empty, so he gets his ass kicked by his dad, but he musters up the strength to return a mega ass-whoopin, possibly killing him. (In reality, pops was trying to get her coherent enough to help her escape, but from David's point of view through a partially closed door, it looked like dad was roadhousing her.)

3) David's friend shoots the Russian, who in turn slices his sister’s throat, so he then blows off his own head for causing her death.

4) In the end, Georgie decides to leave David, after seeing a side of him she never knew existed. (I guess bludgeoning poor pops into a meat sandwich doesn't fall under For Better or For Worse.)

Slave isn't a horrible movie, but is quite misleading with a cover that should have been used for a torture porn/slave trade flick, rather than a drama. Sure, there’s several boob shots, lesbo sex, blood, and a bit of depravity, but this is clearly a drama, much to the likes of the movie Taken, just not as eloquently done. While the marketing team at Phase 4 Films may get an applaud for an interesting cover, I think the international release more fairly respresents it.


This movie wasn’t a total waste of time, so I say rent it, unless you can pick it up for under 10 bucks (and that includes shipping). Instead, I recommend you buy The Disappearance of Alice Creed. Sure, it has flaws, but offers more substance, some quirky, yet unintentional humor, and Alice roped to a bed in the buff. AND, the artwork doesn’t steer you wrong, other than maybe downplaying the actual contents.

ACTING --3-- HUMOR --1-- BLOOD/GORE --2-- NUDITY --3-- SCARFACE INFLUENCED --4-- DAVID’S LUCK --1--

SLAVE'S OVERALL RATING --2.5--

Scandalous Gilda (1985) and Tanya Roberts flicks

So, after a fairly crappy night's sleep, I got up at 9am and started watching movies. Since I recently bought a few for a friend, I thought I'd sneak in a preview before passing them on and collecting my dough. Geez, it seems like forever since I posted anything, but work has take it’s toll (and keeps taking), plus I haven’t really had any inspiration. So, I thought, let’s ride this pony again and see where it takes us.


First up was Scandalous Gilda, the debut release from the new indie company One 7 Movies. It was okay, and had several boob and bush scenes, problem is, neither of the females were very pretty, but luckily, were blessed with bodies to drool for (*wipes mouth*). While this movie plays out like a familiar Italian love/hate story, there was a bit more quirkiness. See, the lead actress (Monica Guerritore) hooks up with a guy who just so happens to be a cartoonist, so embedded in a mediocre story of revenge through sexual gluttony, is a cleverly placed animated featurette, where a community of male genitalia celebrate the arrival of Scandalous Gilda. Although it lasted maybe only two minutes, it was the major takeaway from the film for me, AND, it's not everyday you get to see cartooned ding-dongs (which make me laugh).



Another familiar face is Gabriele Lavia, better known for her role in Dario Argento’s Deep Red, but will steal your attention during the opening scene. I applaud One 7 for the great transfer, and even with an incomplete English audio track, it dances circles around most Mya Communications releases. The biggest downfall, however (much like Mya), is that no special features are offered. But hey, it’s their first venture, so I'll cut em a little slack, in hopes that things will only get better with their release of Sins of Madam Bovary and Chinese Kamasutra in January.



I suggest you give Scandalous Gilda a chance, and help support this budding new company in a time where others are shuttering or consolidating (bye bye Code Red in 2011). It’s trying times, so if you want to continue to see unreleased Eurocinema, screw relying on Netflix to stream it, just buy the damn thing. Hell, you can always resell it if you hate it, and you'll sleep well at night knowing you just contributed to a worthy campaign. Besides, can you really go wrong with Edwige Fenech and Joe D’Amato? Don’t front, open your wallet today! For a more in-depth review of Scandalous Gilda, visit Cinesploitation.


My second feature of the day was Inner Sanctum with Tanya Roberts, and it was presented in it's true early 90's VHS glory, although it was on DVD (an Asian import). The picture was a little muddy (VHS quality upverting from my Blu Ray player), and Tanya’s accent and dialog were ridiculous. But hey, it is what it is, and Tanya pops the twins out several times, which is really the matter of importance. Our bodacious vixen's best line is: “I hate to upset your apricot, but I don’t like being taken for a chump.” Diehard fans of Ms. Roberts should enjoy it, otherwise save your money and buy a ridiculously expensive copy of Beastmaster (now out-of-print).

Release the beasts!
I also watched another Tanya flick called Purgatory, which is a sad attempt at a women in prison feature, and I really don't remember a damn thing about it (aside for the boobies). Then again, these features are highly forgettable anyway, and I was writing this post while watching it. Again, you’ll see Tanya in all her naked glory, but you’ll have to have a region-free DVD player in order to view it, as it has yet to be released in the states. The DVD will cost you $20 or more, whereas the VHS is about 5 bucks plus shipping, so rejuvenate that old top loader!

It wasn’t the most productive or compelling day of movie watching I've had, but dang it, I got three watched, AND a post up, so I feel pretty accomplished. The holidays (which started in September) have been brutal, so thanks for bearing with me. I have an assload of movies to watch, and while most would be overwhelmed by the plethora, I'm an ass-kickin mo fo like Charles Bronson, so I can't be faded. Stay tuned for more reviewing/bashing, and thanks for reading!

Dude, the stache alone says Back the Fuck Up!